When you see the sky blacken, keep walking
by omentastic
Summary: When out recruiting, Aaron and Daryl come across a sister and brother. A slow burn (I think). Rated M for language and later chapters. Starts sometime after Forget and before Spend. *Now extended into mild AU because I have no idea about Season 8. Nothing slow about the burn now.
1. Chapter 1

We're being watched. I know we are because the hairs on the back of my neck won't settle. I've scanned the tree line and beyond on and off for a day and a half but I can't see anything.

I thought it might have been the…people, I use the term loosely, that we spotted 4 days ago. Our senses are honed enough to know to avoid them like the proverbial plague. Bad.

But whoever is watching us hasn't approached. I don't know, maybe I'm being paranoid. In this world, can you ever be too paranoid?

"Essie?" Lawrence holds out a tin of whatever the hell it is.

"No, I'm good. You have it." I reply, trying to control the nausea that threatens.

"You must eat. Did you eat yesterday?" Lawrence looks worried; his concern isn't obscured by the glare of the late sun on his glasses.

"Yes, of course. You saw me." I hate lying to him but it's better that he doesn't know.

"Did you sleep any last night?" He scoops the tin's contents into his mouth and another wave crashes over me, I take a swig of water and it passes…for now.

"A little." Another lie.

He finishes his dinner and we settle the camp. We are heading north, we're not sure why. It just seems better than going further south.

It had taken a lot to get out of Atlanta after everything went to the bad. We'd not joined any of the convoys of refugees; we'd not gone to any of the camps. We'd survived because we didn't stay in any place for very long.

It turns out that I was quite capable; no one would have guessed that before. I had taken one of the cavalry swords from the display at the museum just before we left. I wasn't sure why at the time, they told us on the radio that the National Guard were going to contain the infection, that we should make our way to the camps, that we would be protected; I took the sword anyway. It's beautiful.

I couldn't use it properly, I had been instructed in the art of fencing as part of my 'fancy' education but I don't think the dead would have appreciated a perfectly executed neuvieme. It did mean I was comfortable holding a sword, and I'd used it everyday and I'd become good. I'd quickly learned to use a gun, a knife, anything that could crack skulls or break doors and windows. We'd scavenge for anything we needed and we saw the living less and less and the dead more and more.

We stole a car. We'd never stolen anything before. We'd been model citizens, my brother and I.

I had come to Atlanta to get to know my half-brother whom I had never spent more than a few weeks with since his mother and my father had split up over 20 years ago. He was older than me but only by 4 years. I was a product of one of my father's many dalliances; he seemed to think it was his duty as a famous artist to live the bohemian lifestyle. My mother was his model, then his lover, then his embarrassment; she died of an overdose when I was 8 in the squat where we had lived for 2 years. I had never even met my father until he and his wife came to the foster home where I had been taken after finding my mother dead, with a needle in her arm. He introduced himself as "Joe', it had been Diane who had told me who they were. She had the most beautiful American accent and she was kind but she didn't want her husband's by-blow hanging around. It was decided that I would go to my mother's sister who lived in Pitlochry, Scotland.

She was from an old aristocratic family, my mother, before she had run away to become an artist…to escape. So I was packed off and shipped up to Scotland where I lived for the next 5 years.

Compared to those years, this shit storm doesn't seem so bad.

Those little hairs just won't settle. Now the sun has gone, the feeling keeps growing. We are in a circle of trees large enough to have some view of the stars but compact. I have moved a bag to give my back some support against the tree trunk I am resting against; my back is where the pain started but now it's moved to my stomach and the fever keeps coming and going; not good.

I begin my nightly ritual of cleaning our knives; first with a rag and then sharpening using the precious whetstone I found on one of my foraging trips. I shift uncomfortably as the pain knifes through my back again. Thankfully Lawrence doesn't notice.

Something moves in the treeline and we both freeze. Ignoring the pain, I am on my feet with the machete in my hand before Lawrence has time to breathe. One of the dead shambles out of the tree line and then another one and then another; normally I can hear them and I can definitely smell them but I am slowing down; I've killed us both. Fuck.

They'd been watching the sister and brother for 2 days now. Aaron had wanted to approach them after the first day but Daryl had been more cautious, had wanted to watch them a little bit longer. Something about the sister bothered him. She was good. She had taken down 4 walkers on her own easy. She knew more than the basics of survival and he was damn sure her brother wouldn't have made it without her. He could also tell she wasn't at the top of her game; she looked sick and was getting sicker.

She had deteriorated since they had been watching them. The spying didn't sit comfortably with him but he had conceded that it was the smart choice. He was sure she had spotted them a couple of times, probably would have seen them if she hadn't been working so hard to hide how ill she was from her brother.

"What do you think?" asked Aaron.

"She's good. Not sure what he'd bring though" Daryl answered, still watching the pair settle for the night.

"I think they come as a package." said Aaron, Daryl just grunted.

"We'll approach them tomorrow morning." Aaron was about to make himself comfortable when they heard the all too familiar groans. He grabbed the binoculars and trained them back on the pair.

What he saw filled him with dread. The sister was fighting 3 walkers, the brother was struggling with another and more were coming. Before he could say anything, Daryl was running towards the clearing.

Essie felt the world flatten and grow quiet as she tuned out everything but the dead. She hacked and scythed through the centre of the mass, seemingly oblivious to the proximity of the hungry walkers. But there were too many. She managed to turn her head to see Lawrence take out one and turn to face another but it was too close, he couldn't manoeuvre his arms to stab it. She got through 2 more and managed to get to the one about to rip into her brother but felt another land on her back and knock her to the ground.

"Lawrence!" she screamed but she knew it was too late.

Then suddenly there was relief and she could breathe again as the weight was lifted off her. She heard the crunch of metal on bone and felt the wet seep through her clothes. She leapt to her feet and saw her brother staring passed her shoulder. She turned to see two strangers destroying the dead and she wasn't about to question it.

The sound returned to her world and Essie wiped the sweat out of her eyes and stepped over the corpses.

"Thank you." she said and then raised the pistol she had grabbed from the floor, "Now tell me who the fuck you are and why I shouldn't shoot you."

Daryl saw that her hands were not shaking, she was like a rock; her brother had moved behind her and was staring warily at them.

"I'm Aaron. We're not here to harm you, we've been watching you for the past few days."

"What the fuck?" even through the pain and the fog that was threatening to overwhelm her, Essie was gratified to know she wasn't paranoid. She looked up at the stars and saw how they swooped and dived.

"Oh bollocks." She said and everything went dark.

Daryl knew this could go either way; he would bring her down if he had to. It turned out that he didn't have to make the choice. He was reaching for his gun when she looked up and then dropped like a stone.

"Essie!" shouted Lawrence and knelt down by her side and looked at the 2 strangers, "help her, please?"

I wasn't sure I liked America. I liked Oxford where I lived. I liked the golden buildings, my students, my office, my house, my work. I loved lecturing on the works of Keats, Donne, Marvell. I loved my research on the Metaphysical and Romantics; all of it fucking useless now of course but it had been glorious. I'd taken up the research and lecturing post for 6 months in Atlanta to be near to Lawrence, to get to know him.

My father had 7 children but Lawrence was the only legitimate one. I don't think either of us had met all our other siblings, I was the only one with whom he had any real contact. I was the one who had been trouble. A generous pay out to the other women had been enough to keep them quiet. My mother's family didn't need money and, after the fire, they needed me out of the way.

Whilst he and Diane decided what to do with me I had stayed with them at their house in Mayfair along with Lawrence. I was passed off as a distant cousin in public; in private the staff watched me every minute, in case I did something. When I finally found my voice it was to talk to Lawrence but then the summer was over, they left and I was at boarding school deep in the Sussex countryside. We talked at little across the years; postcards, birthday cards, letters. I like him, he is kind and gentle and his life was normal. So when the post in Atlanta came through, I thought it was about time we met again.

My head gently rocks with the motion of the car, every bump is excruciating. A fence looms up through the trees and we approach the gates. How did I get in a car?

"It's a town. There's a gate and high walls" Lawrence says, "I can't see anyone about but there are bodies. Dead ones. Not moving."

He should have left me when I first got sick. I smile at his stupidity, he would walk into a slaughter house dressed like a lamb, he's like that.

I hear shouting but I can't make out the words, my fever is getting worse. Black and yellow spots are dancing in front of my eyes; the pain has stopped. That's not a good sign. I hope Lawrence lives; he deserves it. I don't think I do. I hope he finds someone to put me down when I turn, he won't be able to do it, sentimental idiot.

We pass through the gate and drive towards the buildings. I can barely keep my eyes open, I look at Lawrence, I want to see something good as I die and he is a good person. He's kept me from turning to stone and I've kept him alive. It's getting harder to breath. The breeze, slight as it is, hits my face and hands pull me out of the car. I can't stand, I can't fight, I can't see. Fuck it anyway; none of it really matters now.

"Here, drink this."

Hands hold my head and water hits my parched mouth. It's not my brother; it's a woman's voice. I open one eye. So I didn't die. I'm surprised.

"Lawrence!" she shouts, "She's awake."

Lawrence burst into the room and looked at his sister. She looked awful. She was pale and sweaty with deep circles underneath her eyes. He raised his head and offered a short prayer of thanks to anyone who might be listening. Carol put the water down and moved out of the way so he could get to the bedside. She saw the love in his eyes as he held his sister's hand.

She walked out of the room that served as a hospital ward to give them some privacy and went over to Deanna and Rick.

"She's awake." Carol sounded surprised with good reason. When the two had arrived and Pete had taken a look at the sister firstly to confirm that she wasn't bitten and then to diagnose an infection probably of the kidneys, Carol had seen Rick take out his gun in case she had turned right then.

Deanna had questioned the brother. He had told her all about his amazing sister whom he described as a cross between Wonder Woman, Mother Theresa and Bouddicca. He told her all the times she had saved him and others, how she had fought the evil living and the mindless dead, how she had gone from a university lecturer to Xena, Warrior Princess in a matter of months.

"They're good people, Essie." said Lawrence, brushing hair out of his sister's eyes.

"How do you know?" Essie croaked as Lawrence held the water up to her mouth.

"They helped you, we would have died if they hadn't found us. I'm not sure anyone slept for the first 2 days."

"2 days? How long have I been out?" Essie tried to sit up but Lawrence pushed her back down onto the bunk.

"5 days. No, no stay lying down." he said hastily as Essie brushed off his hands and raised herself up.

"5 days? Fuck."

"You weren't asleep." said a soft voice from the doorway, "you were out cold. We thought you were going to die. I don't think you would've have lasted another day."

"This is Aaron. He's one of the two who saved you." said Lawrence before his sister could say anything. Essie blew out her cheeks in frustration at Lawrence but held out her hand to the man who took it with a smile.

"Thank you." she said simply, what else could she say?

"My pleasure. Now, do you think you can get up? There are some others out here who'd like to meet you."

Essie slowly swung her legs over the side of the bed and, with the help of Aaron and her brother, shakily stood up and shuffled through the doorway and out to meet the other people in this rare group.

Tara looked up and saw the woman emerge held limply between her Aaron and Lawrence. She wasn't tall and she wasn't short, she wasn't large but she wasn't skeletal either. She had long, red hair in a braid and a fringe that was too long and seemed to get in her eyes. She was wearing the de-rigeur Apocalypse outfit of a t-shirt and torn jeans. Tara couldn't place her age even though she knew the woman was 32, she looked younger. The woman looked at the assembled group from under the fringe and Tara saw her eyes for the first time. They were large, brown and almond shaped; even though they were ringed with dark circles and watching them all warily, they were…kind…no, that wasn't right. If she had found the right word in that moment it would have been compelling, the woman's eyes were compelling.

Essie walked slowly towards them still leaning heavily on her brother and Aaron and flopped down onto a chair, breathing hard.

"Thank you." she said again but this time to the whole group. Rick stepped forward and knelt down in front of the woman. She stared straight at him, waiting for him to speak. For the first time in a while he felt unsettled by another human being; she seemed to be judging him as he was judging her and he had the feeling that she knew exactly who and what he was, she had the weight and measure of him more surely than he did of her.

"I'm Rick. Your brother has told us about you but I've got 3 questions before we go any further."

"I'm Estella. After you have asked your questions, I have some of my own. If I don't like your answers you will let us go without any hassle. If you don't, you will regret it." Essie said this simply and without aggression but Rick believed every word. He nodded and they began.

He asked his questions, she didn't know how many walkers she had killed but it was more than a few; she had killed 6 humans, all of whom had been trying to kill her or her brother or someone who couldn't defend themselves. After he was satisfied with her answers, she was taken to Deanna's house, but slowly, she was still very shaky. Daryl watched from the porch. Aaron had one arm and Lawrence the other but he could tell Essie hated being helped.

"You're recording this?" Essie asked.

"For transparency. I record all of these conversations so I can review them later." Deanna replied, looking at the woman in front of her. She prided herself on being an excellent judge of character but this woman was inscrutable.

"Where do you come from?"

"England."

"Why are you here?"

"Well that's a complicated question. Do you mean why am I here in America or why am I here when so many others are not?"

"Both I suppose."

So Essie talked and Deanna listened. She knew she wasn't getting the full story; she learned the basics of Essie's story but there was more. She asked questions designed to make people open up or, if you were of a suspicious disposition, to reveal more than they intended. But nothing would make Essie crack. Her brother hadn't held anything back but it appeared to Deanna that there were some things that even he didn't know.

By the time they had finished, Deanna felt like she had passed a test she didn't know she was taking.

Essie was introduced to everyone and she did her best to remember their names. Only after all introductions had been made and hands had been shook did Daryl relax his grip on the knife in his belt. He knew danger when he saw it and this woman was dangerous, now he just had to figure out if she was a danger to them.

She took out a battered and precious packet of cigarettes and lit one with not a little ceremony. Only in emergencies, but she decided that this new situation qualified as an emergency. She sucked the smoke in and blew it out into the indigo sky and watched it whisper away. With the darkness and the silence it was almost peaceful. Almost.

She blew out more smoke and wondered for the hundredth time that day how she had got to this point. What would it have been like if she'd stayed in England? Had this even happened in England? She supposed it must have or there would have been contact, surely? She thought about the people she had left behind, at home. The old and crusty academics locked in their studies reading texts written by the long dead; would they have even noticed the world had ended? She thought about her students, lively and looking to the future, all gone in one way or another. Her friends, had some made it? She hoped so but she also knew her thoughts were pointless. It was a new world; she was a new person. But she also knew she didn't want to be on her own anymore. Lawrence needed someone other than her and she needed someone other than him. If they were going to survive in this new world, they needed to be with others.

She and Lawrence had been allocated a house. A woman had come by with a box of supplies and then she and Lawrence had done the one thing they had dreamt of and talked about every night they had been outside. There were even 2 bathrooms. She had scrubbed and scrubbed until there was not a speck of dirt left and then she had just stood under the warm water. It felt like the water had stripped everything away and, for a moment, the world had seemed a little more unfucked.

She put on the fresh clothes that had been folded in with the supplies, who still folded clothes? And, with her hair still drying, had wandered out onto the front porch and sat on the steps. It was so quiet but this time the quiet was no more dangerous that the noise. She closed her eyes and thought about nothing for the first time in months.

The light in the kitchen, their kitchen (for now) came on and she knew Lawrence had finished in the bathroom but she wanted a few more moments alone. She looked across at the opposite house and noticed the glow of another cigarette; someone was watching her. She squinted into the shadows but couldn't make out who it was. Well, if they tried to mess with her or her brother they wouldn't live to regret it. She took one last drag of the cigarette, ground the butt out on the step and went inside to eat.

Daryl watched from the other side of the street, shrouded in shadow. He saw Essie and her brother in the kitchen. It appeared they were playing music as they prepared their food; strains of an old Nina Simone song reached him. Lawrence pretended to play the piano on the kitchen counter and Essie pretended to sing into a wooden spoon. He stubbed out his cigarette on the wooden balustrade and walked towards Deanna's house to discuss if the brother and sister should stay; he didn't know.

Aaron stared at Deanna from across the table.

"I think they would be a benefit to Alexandria." he said firmly.

"I don't know Aaron. Lawrence is like a babe in the wood but Essie is…I don't know what Essie is. She's hiding something from me. I don't like that." Deanna replied.

"You said that even with the kidney infection, she took out walkers?" asked Rick to Daryl.

"Yeah. She was good. She's tough. She nearly spotted us a couple of times in the woods." he replied.

"But she's reckless. You said that she knew she was sick but hid it from her brother. She waded into a group of…them without regard for herself. They could have just run but she stayed to fight." Deanna argued.

"She was trying to save her brother. I hope that someone would do the same for me." Aaron replied.

"What do you think, Mr Dixon?" asked Deanna.

"She'd be useful." he said, simply.

Deanna took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "They can stay, for a trial period. Rick, I want you to keep a close eye on them. I still don't trust her. What part would she play here? I can't see her working in the pantry or the kitchen. I certainly wouldn't give her the run of the gun store."

Aaron sighed "I don't know what she'd do here either but I know she'd be useful. I…I kind of like her."

"So what do you think? " asked Essie as Lawrence cleaned the kitchen surface.

"I think they're good people."

"But why?" Essie pushed.

"They took us in without any real questions. Daryl carried you for nearly 2 miles, over open country to get back to their car, after you passed out."

"Daryl? He doesn't look like he could carry a tune let alone a full grown and hefty woman!" She said, genuinely surprised, "he wears an anorak for Christ's sake!"

"No! That's Aaron. Daryl is the other one. Dirty, scowling, quiet, muscled, tousled hair." Answered Lawrence.

Essie raised her eyebrow and looked sideways at her brother.

"Muscled? Tousled hair? You've been looking hard."

Lawrence shrugged and then grinned "hey! I'm not dead! Anyway, I don't think he's on my team." And he sighed. Essie smiled too, it felt so good to have a normal conversation.

"So setting aside that for a moment, do you think we should give them a chance?" She asked.

"Yes I do. It's the best option we've had yet."

"Hmmm. This all seems too good to be true but we'll hope for the best and expect the worst." Essie said, echoing the Kirk family's unofficial motto.

The sun was already up by the time Essie and Lawrence emerged. Rick crossed the road and saw immediately how she tensed up.

"Hey." Rick shaded his eyes from the sun, "How are you with guns? Do you know how to use them?"

"Everything but a rocket launcher." she replied.

"Ok, I'm going to need you to prove it."

Essie raised her eyebrows but said nothing and followed him out of the gate into the woods. She could understand why he would need to see it; she wouldn't want to be in a fight with someone who couldn't be relied on. She also needed to figure him out and this would be an excellent way.

He'd laid out a selection of weapons on a makeshift table and had set up targets of varying sizes.

"I need to see you load, fire and then make safe each of these."

"Very well." Rick watched Essie select a small calibre pistol. She loaded it, sighted and fired hitting the medium sized can 12 yards away. It soon became clear she was a good shot. She hit every target with every weapon.

"Ok I'm going to make it difficult. You up for it?" he asked Essie.

"Of course." he picked up the smallest bottle of clear glass, tied string round the neck and walked towards the farthest metal post a good 300 yards away.

Rick set the bottle swinging and ran back to the table. Essie took in a breath, felt the world fade and focussed on the bottle so far away. She breathed out slowly, squeezing the trigger. The bottle shattered.

"What did you say you did before?" asked Rick as she began to strip the gun.

"I was a lecturer of Literature. Mostly 17th and 18th century poetry." she replied.

"So not much field weapon training then?"

"I'd never held a gun before. But adversity is the mother of invention. Well that, and a powerful need not to get eaten." She smiled at him from under her fringe and for a moment the sun came out, he was taken aback by the change but then the smile was gone.

They packed away the weapons and made their way back; it was time to eat. They passed a barn and heard the familiar growls of the dead. Both had their guns trained on the sound; 4 of them came out of the barn and began to make their way over to Essie and Rick. She quickly swapped her pistol for a knife and they waited for the dead to get near.

Rick took 1 and Essie got 2 before he could turn around. He got the last one and saw that she was already wiping her knife on the grass. She would be useful.

They began to walk back, neither of them saying anything; Rick on the nearside next to the dense verge of undergrowth, Essie a few steps behind. Neither of them heard the fifth walker until it had grabbed Rick and dragged him down. This one was newer than the others, it was stronger, hungrier. It landed on top of him, not giving him a chance to get to his knife. He forced his arm under its chin but couldn't get any further. Essie moved to stab it but another equally strong walker emerged. Its arms were outstretched and it was moving quickly. Essie had a choice, she could take down this second walker that was a direct threat to her but that would leave Rick trapped by the other one; or she could spend precious seconds killing the one pinning Rick to the road and leave herself open to an attack. She could smell the second walker getting too close.

She didn't blink; she grabbed the walker that had Rick, pulled its head back and rammed her knife into its skull, she flung it to the side as she felt the other grab the back of her shirt. She looked into Rick's eyes twisted to the side and trusted that his aim was as good as hers. She felt the bullet as it went past her and felt the impact as it blew through the walker's head. She nodded her thanks to Rick, who did the same. She stretched out her arm and helped him up.

She didn't mention the "W" carved on its forehead. She didn't want to have that conversation yet.

The gates closed behind them and they went into their respective houses. Daryl looked up and saw Rick covered in gore.

"She stays." said Rick.

Daryl nodded and looked out of the window across the road. The light was on in the kitchen and he saw Essie strip off her stained shirt and run the tap. As she began to wipe down her arms and across her chest, he looked away.

Essie turned the light off in the bedroom she had chosen. It was cool and clean and comfortable. She lay on the bed and closed her eyes. She couldn't hear anything but the night sounds. She lay like that for about 20 minutes; she was exhausted but she couldn't sleep.

She got a pillow and blanket, shoved them under the bed, pulled herself under, made herself comfortable and was asleep within minutes but it was not a restful sleep. For the first night in months she dreamed of her past.

The walls were high and wide; the houses were like something out of a magazine. She began to walk faster trying to see a way out of this place; then she was running, as fast as she could. She was running blindly through the gaps in the houses, down the road, over the front gardens. She couldn't stop; she tripped over a kid's toy but picked herself up and kept on running. Her lungs were burning but her legs didn't stop. The spindly trees whipped her and her eyes were stung with sweat but she didn't stop, couldn't stop. The only sound was her ragged breathing and the blood surging in her ears; she came to a central area with a pond and a bridge. She didn't see any of it she just kept going. Someone grabbed the back of her shirt.

"Hey!" a voice said, "Hey!"

She only registered that someone had got her so she fought back. She rammed her elbow into their stomach and landed on top of them and then she was slamming her fists into their body but they still didn't let go. She felt for her knife but it wasn't there so she kept on hitting. They protected themselves as best they could, blocking her blows, but she landed hit after hit and then she was punching thin air as she was lifted bodily off them. She twisted and yelled and kicked out but they wouldn't let go, they held her.

Others, disturbed by the noise, had come out to see what was happening. Rick heaved himself up off the ground where he had landed after Essie had elbowed him. He saw Daryl fighting to keep his hold on her as she viciously twisted and fought him. Lawrence ran down the road and pushed through the crowd, calling out to her but she didn't hear him. Rick had seen this before, with criminals too wasted to know what they were doing and with animals caught in traps. He knew she would gnaw her own arm off to get away.

She threw her head back and Daryl dropped her but still kept hold of one arm; she grabbed him round the throat with her other hand and began to squeeze. Rick knew she would kill his friend if he didn't stop her but that would mean using excessive force, fortunately the choice was made for him.

"Let her go!" Carol's voice cut through the screaming and shouting. Daryl looked at her and then let Essie's arm go. She fell backwards, scrabbled to her feet and ran. Rick went to go after her.

"No!" said Carol, "Leave her alone."

"She nearly killed Rick." shouted Daryl.

Carol moved to stand in front of him.

"Leave her alone." she said again, softly.

"Why?" he asked, confused at her reaction.

"Didn't you see the scars?"

Essie went back to the only place she knew. She pulled open the front door of the house, scrabbled up the stairs, crawled under the bed, pulled the blanket over her head and blocked everything out.

She closed her eyes but she couldn't stop the memories from coming; the years of fear and hunger and desperation for freedom. The sound of her aunt's shoes on the stone floor reared up and then was gone again; the times when she had fought back and, worse, the times when she hadn't; the taste of blood in her mouth; the smell of her scorched skin from the poker taken straight from the fire; the blackness of the cellar and the light that blinded her when the door was finally opened, the day she had finally had enough, when she had been old enough to fight back. She thought she could smell burning but it was just a memory, like the screaming. All of this came in on wave after wave and Essie could do nothing but go where they took her; to the places she prayed she would never go back to; the places where she had learned who she truly was. She tried to keep from screaming and screaming but it was too loud. Outside of the room nothing could be heard but the wind and the creaking of a porch swing.

People began to disperse but a few remained. Lawrence went to go but Daryl stopped him.

"What happened?" asked Deanna

"I was taking a walk and I saw her running. I called out to her and when she didn't respond, I stopped her." said Rick, rolling his shoulder trying to stop the ache from where he'd caught a blow.

Lawrence shook Daryl off and stared at them, a terrified look on his face.

"Why did this happen?" asked Deanna to him.

"I…I don't know." he looked at the floor.

"We can't have that happen again. This place needs to be safe. I don't want everyone else to be scared" she said.

"It won't happen again." said Lawrence quickly.

"But you can't guarantee that." she said.

"I'll speak to her." Everyone turned to look at Carol.

"I'm not sure speaking to her is going to be enough." Carol bit her tongue at Deanna's patronising tone.

"Let me try. You never know, I might be able to get through to her."

"Ok but if it happens again, we need to rethink the situation." said Deanna, with a true politician's spin.

Carol walked back to their house with Rick and Daryl.

"What did you see?" asked Rick.

"Her back was covered in scars. Most of them looked like burns. I saw them when she was struggling."

"Did they look new? Like they'd happened since this all began?" Rick asked.

"No. They looked older, as if they'd happened when she was a much younger, maybe a child." Carol answered.

Daryl looked away and his fingers flickered.

"Where do we go from here?" asked Rick.

"I'll speak to her like I said. She needs to know that she can't lose it like that." said Carol.


	2. Chapter 2

Carol did what she always did when she needed an innocent way in to a house; she made a casserole. She carefully laid a cloth over the dish and walked over to the opposite house. The light was on in the kitchen but she couldn't see any movement; she knocked the door and waited.

Lawrence was waiting for her anxiously pacing the hallway; he knew better than to disturb her when this happened.

He'd only seen her react once like that, soon after she had arrived at the Mayfair house so many years ago. He knew she was his half sister and he knew something bad had happened to her and her mother had died but his mother had been very careful not to tell him anything more. His father had a new show in his Chelsea gallery so he was not interested in anything other than the perfect hanging of his paintings.

She had slept for hours and hours after she had arrived; Lawrence had been desperate to speak to her but his mother had kept him well away. He should have been in bed half an hour earlier but her was wide-awake and listening hard for any sounds coming from her room. He was about to turn his light off when he heard a creak. He got out of bed and opened the door. He saw his small redheaded sister creeping along the landing watching the hallway over the banisters. She made her way downstairs and went through to the kitchen Lawrence followed her. He saw her silently open the fridge and take out a plate of cold meat. She began to saw through the loaf of bread on the counter and stuff her face with chunks of it. He walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder to introduce himself.

She had swung round with the knife in her hand and sliced through his pyjama top and left a deep scratch on his chest. He had screamed and fallen back, the staff had all come running as had his mother. They had found Essie right at the back of the pantry and had dragged her out kicking and screaming. She did not speak for the next 3 weeks.

One night he heard a small knock on his door; he opened it to find Essie standing there, he didn't know what to say, he didn't want to set her off again so he stood there staring at her.

"I'm sorry" she said in a tiny voice.

"It's ok." He said and he truly meant it' "Do you want a cookie…I mean a biscuit? I have a stash under my bed." And she had followed him into his room and sat quietly on his chair looking around.

Lawrence thought back to when he had learnt what had really happened to her up in Scotland. How she had endured years of torment at the hands of her aunt. He had been amazed at how she had overcome all of it. He knew that she was a survivor but until the world had ended he hadn't really known what that meant.

He heard her bedroom door open and watched as she came out. She looked like hell.

She walked past him, grabbing his hand and squeezing it. She went into the darkened living room and sat on the sofa staring out of the window. He heard a knock at the door and knew they were going to be made to leave.

He opened the door and saw Carol standing in the light holding a dish and smiling.

"I thought you might need some food tonight. I've brought you this." And she handed him the casserole. "you'll need to warm it up again. Why don't you go through to kitchen? I'll watch her for a little while." She walked through to the living room leaving Lawrence in the hallway."

"Hi, I'm Carol." She said to the silent figure. "I live across the street."

"I know who you are." Essie said quietly, "You're the one who keeps herself invisible."

Carol straightened up and stopped smiling. "You noticed that?"

"I did. You are very good at it. No one suspects a thing." Essie was still speaking quietly.

"Suspects what?" Carol asked guardedly

"That you're something else. Someone other than a 'den mother'." Essie replied scornfully.

"But you don't. Why is that?"

"Takes a bullshitter to know a bullshitter I suppose."

"You didn't bullshit very well today though did you?" said Carol, narrowing her eyes at the woman sitting in front of her.

"I guess you're right. That hasn't happened in a long time." Essie said, finally looking at her.

"And it can't happen again. You need to learn to fit in or they will exile you."

Essie sighed. She knew this woman was right. She had watched Carol when she thought no one else was looking; she had seen that this woman was so much more than the image she projected. Essie also knew that this woman was as dangerous if not more so than herself.

"It won't happen again. I think I was so focused on surviving out there, so focused on keeping Lawrence alive that when we got here I just…"

"You broke." Finished Carol, "but you have to put yourself together and get on with surviving. Just because you are here it doesn't mean that you should become weak, that you should give in."

"I know."

Carol went to stand up but then stopped.

" Your scars, how'd do you get them?"

Essie raised her eyebrows. She knew some people in her past had seen them before but they had never had the balls to ask her about them, even Lawrence had kept his questions to himself for all these years.

" My aunt took me in after my mother died. She didn't like me very much. She showed me how much she didn't like me by heating a poker in the fire and holding it against my skin until I skin again and again and again. This started when I was 8 and didn't stop until I was 13."

"How did it stop?" Carol asked.

"That is a story for another time." Essie answered and Carol knew not to push it. "What about you? How come you need to hide who you really are?"

"That's also a story for another time." And Essie nodded. Carol stood up and walked to the door, she turned and said "Eat the casserole, it's good." And then walked out. Essie watched as she crossed the road and went into the house. An interesting woman, very interesting.

Essie walked down the steps of Deanna's house and sighed heavily. She had just eaten so much humble pie in effort to get Deanna on side and now she was being forced to attend a drinks party to 'integrate'. She hated things like that. She thought that the apocalypse might have done away with all that fuckery but it turns out even during the end of world social engagements were a feature.

The evening found her standing in a corner of Deanna's house watching all the people of Alexandria drinking, chatting and laughing. Lawrence was an expert at these things he was at home in a room of strangers within 10 minutes. She, on the other hand, was more at home in her own company. She never knew what to say and usually ended up offending someone or boring someone or leaving early, all three more often than not.

"The Woman After The Rapture."

"Excuse me?" asked Essie, turning round to see a tall man smiling at her.

"The Woman After The Rapture." He repeated, "that's who you look like. I was trying to think who you reminded me of and I've just realised. You have the same face shape, the same coloured hair, you even hold your head in the same way as the woman in that painting, different colour eyes, hers are blue. I'm Reg, I'm Deanna's husband." And he held out his hand for Essie to shake.

"So how come you look so much like my favourite painting?" he asked.

"It was my mother." Essie replied, "My mother was the model for that painting."

"Oh so your father must have been Joe Kirk?" Reg asked surprised. Essie just smiled and wished, desperately for the conversation to be over.

"I used to sit and gaze at that picture for hours. I had a print of it in my office for years." Essie nodded, "your father was very talented."

"He was a very talented artist but a shit father and a worse husband." And Essie walked away leaving Reg open mouthed. She walked past the groups of people down the hallway and into the bathroom. She closed the door and leant against it, breathing out slowly. She was wearing uncomfortable clothes, her feet hurt and she was bored. She'd bet that none of the people at that party would even notice if she wasn't there; Lawrence was being charming enough for both of them. She slid open the window and stuck one leg over the sill.

Daryl was walking past Deanna's house on his way to tune the bike when he heard some creative swearing. He looked over to see someone hanging out of the bathroom window, one leg in and one leg out, trying to unhook their shirt from the window hook. He caught a flash of red hair and realised it was Essie. She yanked her shirt and fell backwards onto the grass, arse first. He had no idea what to do; the last time he had seen her, he'd had his arms round her waist as she fought him tooth and nail.

She got her feet, brushed herself down and closed the window. He moved into the shadows and watched as she hurried down the side of the house and down the road. She stopped halfway, took off her shoes and threw them as hard as she could. They bounced off a tree in the opposite garden and she left them there.

Daryl felt his stomach tighten. He didn't want to speak to her; he didn't want to know her. He had a family and he didn't need anyone else. But, she had saved Rick and she'd made an impression on Carol.

"You didn't want to stay at the party?" he asked

"Jesus. He speaks!" Essie said and he realised she'd known he was there all the time, "No. I didn't. They are not really my thing. Listen, I haven't said thank you. Lawrence said you carried me for 2 miles after you found us in the woods. So, thanks."

Daryl just shrugged, "Weren't nothin"

"Ok. Well thank you, again." Said Essie, intrigued by this quiet man. She went to walk away but Daryl realised he wanted to speak to her a little longer.

"It's gonna rain later. I'd say about an hour."

"Ok." Essie said and then, when he didn't say anything else, "It was a rainy night, it was the myth of a rainy night." And when he looked blank she felt the need to say, "Kerouac, On The Road?" but he didn't know what to say to this so he nodded and walked away. Essie raised her eyebrow and went into her own house.

"Hey." Said Carol, "here eat this, I know you won't eat unless I make you." Daryl bent his head over his food but then said "Who's Kerouac?"

"What?" she said, more shocked than anything else.

"Kerouac, do you know who he is?" Daryl repeated.

"Jack Kerouac? Wrote the great novel On The Road about the search for America and God. The man was a genius, raised dirt poor with an alcoholic father, went on define this country and an entire generation." Eugene said all of this in a monotone and then continued on through to the back of the house.

Daryl didn't say anything. He was embarrassed at not knowing, embarrassed about asking, just…embarrassed.

About an hour later he lay with his arms behind his head and listened to the rain whispering over the roof. He let it lull him slowly to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Essie had been well behaved for a week, a whole week. She had refrained from speaking her mind. She had listened to a woman prattle on about a pasta maker without punching through a wall. She had not engaged with the rampantly offensive questions about her and her brother and had not machine-gunned the entire community. They'd not given her a specific job yet so she was assigned to anything that needed doing; she'd washed clothes, repaired damaged buildings, delivered meals, cleaned communal areas all with the approximation of a smile and very gritted teeth. And now she had had enough.

Olivia had been very reluctant to sign her out with a weapon but had eventually buckled under the weight of Essie's silent stare.

She walked out of the gate and felt a sense of relief as it closed behind her. She moved into the woods and began to walk.

It was warm but the wind had autumn on its breath; it rattled the trees and the birds were audible all around. She felt fairly secure; you only had to worry when there was no sound. She walked for about 20 minutes west of Alexandria. She saw a few rabbits and squirrels but nothing larger.

She enjoyed the sense of being alone; it was a rare thing to be alone. If you had asked her about what the apocalypse would be like before it actually happened she would not have said it would be crowded. Since it all happened she had not be alone once; Lawrence had been by her side every minute, when they had joined another group (very briefly) she'd always been paired with someone; since arriving at Alexandria there had been someone with her every moment. Finally she was alone and she relished it.

She walked for another 15 minutes or so and then heard movement to her left. She sighted the rifle and waited silently. A small deer appeared through the trees and stopped in front of her.

"Sorry Bambi." She thought and fired. The shot rang out through the woods and deer dropped; she knew she'd have to move fast before the dead came looking. She shouldered the deer and began to retrace her steps. It was slow going and the deer got heavier and heavier. She was sweating and tired when she finally got back to the road. She laughed quietly to herself, thinking what her Etiquette Mistress would say if she could see her now.

A rustle behind her made her turn and Daryl came into view. He had a haul of rabbits and a couple of squirrels.

"Looks like we both got lucky." She said, determined not to be awkward and then inwardly groaned at the appalling choice of words.

Daryl fell into step with Essie.

"You know how to butcher that deer?" he asked

"Nope. I've never bagged one of these before."

He looked sidelong at her. He hadn't heard her admit she couldn't do something before.

"I could show you, you know, if you wanted." He said hesitantly.

She shifted the deer's weight on her shoulders. She didn't know what to say.

"Ok. It'd be useful to know. Thanks."

"You're not expecting to stay?" he asked too quickly.

"Hope for the best, expect the worst." she said and then, when he looked blankly at her "it's the Kirk family's unofficial motto. It fits our history."

They got to the gate and waited for it to be opened in silence. They walked, in silence again, to the store. Olivia and the others were in raptures about the deer and Essie felt overwhelmed; people who had avoided her this morning were cooing over her this afternoon.

"Just wait until I've got this all cleaned and dressed, you can have some of the haunch. It'll be so good." said Olivia enthusiastically.

"Well, I umm I thought I would have a go at learning to prepare it myself..." Essie said, not wishing to offend anyone at that moment.

"Oh no. we'll do it." and Olivia bustled off.

Essie looked at Daryl and shrugged. He felt disappointed but couldn't figure out why.

Thanks to her successful haul, she was free to come and go pretty much as she pleased. She went out everyday but on her own; Deanna had wanted her to go with the other scouts but she had refused and dug her heels in. So, she travelled a few miles out everyday. She killed a few walkers, always checking to see if there was a 'W' carved into them. So far, she had only seen the one that nearly got Rick. This did not, however, make her rest any easier; they were out there and she knew it was only a matter of time.

She came across an out building attached to a burnt out home about 3 miles south west of Alexandria down a paved drive. The house was completely wrecked and the outbuilding was overgrown so it was easy to overlook but there was no sign of walkers so she went closer. She pulled the creepers away from the outbuilding's door and saw that the padlock was still intact. She rootled about and found a tyre iron in the undergrowth. "Handy." she thought and wrenched off the lock. Unfortunately there was very little in the building; a few odds and ends of tools, a wheeled flat bed trolley and a giant box, unopened. She sliced open the top to reveal a Tennismatic T200 ball launcher, brand new and unused, with a bin full of pristine tennis balls.

"Bloody hell, I'm having this." she thought, She manhandled it onto the flat bed trolley along with the few tools and began the long trek back.

The journey back was fairly uneventful and she arrived back to the town with everything still in her possession. Tobin was on gate duty but didn't comment as she pulled the trolley behind her. Most of the residents were still wary of her.

She stopped behind a row of houses, wanting some privacy to set up the machine. She still wasn't sure why she had brought it all the way back with her; she had a vague idea that it could perhaps be turned into a weapon or butchered for parts but, right at that moment, she just wanted to see what it could do. She dragged it from the trolley and ripped off the box. She unwound the lead and plugged it into the outlet for garden machinery on the back of the nearest house. She was absorbed in her task so didn't hear Michonne come round the side of the building.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Jesus you made me jump!" said Essie.

"I got the jump on you?" said Michonne, "I thought you were unshakeable."

"Well sometimes one gets by me." Essie answered with a smile, "do you want to help me with this?"

"What is 'this'?"

"It's one of those machines that launches tennis balls to help you practice." Essie said, fiddling with the controls.

"Oh yeah." said Michonne, "Where'd you find it?"

"About 3 miles away. The house was wrecked but the garage was still locked. I thought there might have been something useful but there was just this and the trolley."

"And you dragged it all the way back here? You have a burning need to play some tennis?" Michonne asked.

"I thought we could maybe re-engineer it into a weapon or something." Essie answered, lamely.

"You just wanted to shoot some tennis balls din't you?" smiled Michonne.

"Yeah." answered Essie, grinning sidelong at her.

At that moment, Carl came round the back of the other house. "Woah!" said Carl

"I know, right?" said Michonne. Essie hadn't realised quite how close the group were but it was moments like this that really brought it home to her. She was jealous; she and Lawrence were close but they were family. She'd never seen such a diverse group of people care so much about each other.

"Ok so I think this is the programme for the lowest setting." said Essie.

"Don't you want to read the instructions?" asked Carl, leafing through the manual.

"Noooo!" said Essie, "it'll be really simple." and angled the nozzle away from the houses.

She pressed the button and several things happen at once; the machine fired tennis ball after tennis ball very fast, the machine oscillated and one of the balls smashed a window in the nearest house.

Essie banged the control panel and the machine stopped, they looked at each other in silence for a moment.

"What the hell?" shouted a voice from inside.

"RUN!" yelled Essie and she, Michonne and Carl scattered.

They ran through the backs of the houses, across the lawns and past the communal buildings.

"Why are we running?" yelled Carl, not stopping.

"Because we don't want to get caught!" Essie yelled back.

"But I'm a cop!" shouted Michonne and they stopped, collapsed onto the grass and lay there, gasping for air.

Michonne began to laugh and Essie and Carl couldn't help but joined in. They laughed and couldn't stop.

"Ok, ok. We need to work out our story." said Essie breathlessly, "We weren't there, we never saw anything and we don't know anything."

"Have you done this before?" asked Michonne, equally breathless and still smiling.

"I may have had to cover my tracks a few times." answered Essie, looking very mock serious, "So, we stick together, we don't break under questioning and we don't change our story."

"Fine by me." said Michonne, "I don't need this kind of trouble."

"Ok." said Carl.

"Right, so we don't grass on each other."

"Grass?" said Carl, looking puzzled.

"Ummmm - nobody is to be a narc." translated Essie.

"Deal." said Carl, smiling and held out his hand, Michonne put hers on top and Essie put hers down. They looked at each other again and burst out laughing, so hard they couldn't stop. This was how Maggie and Daryl found them.

"What's goin' on?" asked Maggie.

"Hey!" said Carl, "I'm not a grass." and walked into the house. Maggie looked at Essie and Michonne who both shrugged, she turned to Daryl.

"Don't look at me." he said.

"You staying for dinner?" asked Michonne to Essie.

"Sure." said Essie and stuck 2 fingers in her mouth and whistled 3 times. it echoed off the houses and Lawrence stuck his head out of the opposite house's kitchen window.

"Dinner!" she yelled, he nodded and came out of the front door and joined them.

Nobody commented that Lawrence and Essie had joined them, everybody passed around the dishes and began to recount the stories of their day. Michonne, Carl and Essie kept catching each other's eye and desperately tried not to laugh.

Abraham just finished telling them about the deplorable skills of the construction crew when Rick said "Someone broke the Neudermyer's window today. Smashed it with a tennis ball machine and then ran off."

Carl choked on his mouthful and his father stared at him, "Do you know anything about that Carl?"

Carl stared at him and Essie saw that he didn't want to lie to his dad.

"It was me." she said, carefully laying down her knife and fork.

"What?" said Rick, incredulously.

"It was me." she repeated, "I found a Tennismatic T2000 in a shed today and I wanted to test it out. I didn't set the controls properly and the tennis ball broke the window."

"Why'd do you run away?" asked Glenn before Rick could.

"I panicked. I didn't want anymore trouble. I will sort it out tomorrow, go and apologise." Essie said, brazenly.

"You found a tennis ball launcher, brought it all the way back here and then used it to break a window?" asked Rosita.

"Well I didn't mean to break the window." Essie replied.

"That doesn't make it ok." said Rick.

"I know. I know." snapped Essie, "I promise, I will sort it out tomorrow. I'll make sure it's all fine."

"Make sure you do." Rick said.

"Ok DAD." Essie smiled. There was a beat of silence and then Rick gave a rare smile in return.

Carol watched this exchange from the other end of the table and was surprised to see Daryl smile and then begin eating again.

After everyone had finished eating, Essie, Michonne, Tara and Rosita went out onto the porch. They sat in companionable silence listening to the night sounds. Abraham came out with beers, passed them around and dropped a kiss on Rosita's shoulder and went back inside.

"Hmm." said Essie.

"What?" asked Rosita

"Nothing. I thought I was good at reading people but I hadn't clocked you two."

"What of it?" asked Rosita.

"Hey. I'm not judging. If anything I'm a little disappointed. Abraham is a fine looking man." Essie said taking a swig of beer.

"Yeah he is." said Rosita, with a smile.

"Oh man." said Tara,, "I never thought I'd end up alone at the end of the world."

Essie toasted her with the bottle, "I will drink to that. This apocalypse is turning into a hell of a dry spell."

"Only for some of us." said Michonne dryly.

'In the spirit of honesty, I wasn't on much of a winning streak before this happened." Essie admitted.

"What?" asked Tara, "But you are so hot!" and then looked embarrassed.

"Charmer!" Essie smiled and they all laughed. They heard Abraham shout from inside.

"Looks like Lawrence is clearing up at poker." Essie said, as the others turned round to see what was happening.

"Lawrence is beating Abraham at poker?" asked a very surprised Rosita.

"Oh yeah. He's amazing. Most people underestimate him and therein lies his power." Essie took another drink.

"I'm out of beer." said Michonne disappointed.

"I'll get us another one." offered Essie, she wanted to check on Lawrence as well.

She walked through the living room.

"Hey! Where did your brother learn to play poker like this?" asked Abraham, turning to Essie.

"Don't ask her." said Lawrence from behind a huge pile of makeshift chips, "She's the one who taught me!"

"What?" asked Glenn from behind a considerably smaller pile of chips. Carol was sitting on the sofa writing a list and saw Daryl, who had been staring out the window, lift his head.

"Yeah. She taught me. I couldn't play worth a damn before Essie taught me."

"How come you can play? You look like a librarian and talk like the Queen of England." said Abraham.

"Not like any librarian I've ever seen." said Eugene.

Essie tried not be insulted by that comment, "I didn't go home during the school holidays and I spent most of my time with the Head Gardener and his wife. He was an ex Eastend wide boy and he taught me to play. You get really good really fast when you are playing for free passes out of school grounds and you are 16!"

"You wanna join us?" asked Glen

"No!" said Lawrence very quickly, the others looked at him, this was unusual in the quiet man, "She'll already know all your tells and she will fleece you in no time." he added, by way of explanation.

"I don't have a tell." said Abraham.

"Everybody has a tell." said Essie

"Well go on then, what's mine?" he asked.

"I'm not going to tell you, that would ruin the game for everyone." Essie replied.

"No. Come on, I wanna know." Abraham pushed, "I don't believe you."

Essie looked at Lawrence who shrugged.

"Ok, but I warn you, it will ruin the game."

Abraham continued to stare at her so she continued.

"Abraham, your tell is that you stroke your moustache downwards when you're bluffing and upwards when you are about to fold. Glenn, you tap the cards twice when you are bluffing but only once when you are thinking of folding. Maggie, you look at everyone's hands when you are about to bluff and no-one when you are about to fold. Eugene, you were tricky but then I saw you close your left eye when you are about to fold." Essie took a deep breath and looked at the players. Abraham realised he was stroking his moustache and stopped. Th silence deepened.

"I told you. It would ruin the game." she said and walked through to the kitchen. Abraham threw his cards down and everyone started to moan and whinge.

She opened the cupboard and began to take out fresh bottles of beer; she turned to see Daryl coming into the kitchen.

"How'd do you work out their tells so quickly?" he asked.

"Everyone has one and they don't just use them when playing poker." she answered without looking at him. Since arriving and the slow beginning of her assimilation into the community, she had become more aware of the most silent member of the group. She couldn't work him out and he bothered her. She found herself watching for his reactions and was pleased when she thought he felt similarly to her about things. Once she even caught herself getting irritated that she couldn't remember anything from when he had carried her after she collapsed.

"What's mine?" asked Daryl, surprising himself at the question.

Essie sighed, did she really want to reveal that to him? If she didn't, he might realise something was up.

"You bite your bottom lip slightly and move your head up to the right." when he didn't say anything she thought she'd probably weirded him out so walked through to the porch again.

Daryl went back through to the living room. Carol moved to sit with him by the window, "You ok?" she asked.

"Fine." he answered and bit his bottom lip.


	4. Chapter 4

It was getting colder. She didn't mind, the heat of the summers had nearly killed her and she enjoyed not sweating her arse off day in and day out. She relished the thought of going beyond the walls. Yesterday, she had climbed a tree to evade a small herd of walkers, only about 15, heading away from the town, and she had stayed up there long after they had gone, just enjoying the view. She'd almost got caught by a couple of them who had broken free after she got down but managed to take them eventually.

Essie pulled on her jacket and grabbed her hunting knife.

"What have you got planned for today?" she asked as her brother laced up his shoes.

"I'm working with Reg and the others, trying to repair the solar power grid that went down yesterday." he said.

"Did it go down yesterday did it?" Essie began the arduous task of eating her porridge, she hated porridge.

"Yes!" he looked at her disbelievingly, "Why do you think we had to eat cold pasta bake by lamplight last night?"

"Did we?"

"Essie, are you ok?" he asked, the concern he had felt for days finally coming to the surface.

"I'm fine. Why'd you ask?"

"Look, don't get mad at me for saying this but you're going out day after day, coming back later and later. You don't tell me what happens when you are out and I've seen you get back covered in dead but you don't explain; you just get straight into the shower. You're not eating very much and I don't think you are sleeping very well. I hear you get up in the middle of the night. I'm just worried about you." all this came out in a rush and when he had finished, he took a deep breath and watched her.

Essie blinked at him. He felt his skin prickle; he didn't know what her reaction would be, he never did. She sighed and he braced himself.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I hadn't realized. I promise I will be around more often. But at least the other people appreciate the things I bring back? I'm starting to fit in."

Lawrence hadn't the heart or courage to tell her that the Alexandria residents were getting more wary of her, those that weren't in Rick's group that is. They were suspicious of her; of her ability to find things that their own scouting parties had overlooked, her ability to go out alone and come back unscathed time and again.

"Ok. How about, if the power is back on tonight, I cook and then we play some draughts?" he said.

"You're on. You open all the doors and I'll open all the windows." and when he looked blank she added, "you know, so we can play draughts?"

"You're so weird." said Lawrence smiling with relief.

"That, brother of mine, is comedy gold right there. You just don't appreciate it!" she said as she hefted her bag onto her shoulder.

"I love you. You do know that don't you?" Lawrence said and he saw her freeze.

The bottom fell out of her world. She couldn't remember the last time someone had said that to her. She had a vague memory of her mother saying it to her but she had only been about 7 and her mother was probably whacked out of her mind. A boyfriend had said it to her at university whilst drunk and trying to pole down the river but she hadn't believed him, they had split up 5 days later at her instigation. Nobody who she really trusted had said it to her before. She had no idea how to react, no idea at all.

She dropped her bag on the floor, zoomed over to where Lawrence was still struggling to put his boots on and wrapped her arms around him, knocking his glasses and virtually cutting off his air supply.

"I love you too." she said and then released him, picked up her bag and was out the door before he could reply.

She walked north east away from the town, she had been this way a few times so she had time to think. She found herself thinking about how her situation; she was living in a beautiful house with a brother who loved her, in a safe environment with the freedom to do what she liked. She even, tentatively, was starting to build friendships; she liked Michonne, Tara made her laugh, Abraham was a constant source of quiet amusement, in fact all of that group were in some way…good…to have around. She studiously avoided thinking about the most intriguing member of that family. She didn't want to unpick that knot just yet.

She crossed an open field and made her way into the woods beyond.

The day proved unfruitful; she tracked a deer but 4 walkers spooked it. She dispatched them quickly but could not pick up its trail again. It was getting colder and the sun was low in the sky when she made it to the road. She saw Daryl a little way ahead and jogged up to meet him. He had a good haul of rabbits and a few squirrels. He'd been out scouting with Aaron for the past 4 days so had needed some time away from other people when he got back; Essie's company was not an irritant though.

"Hey." she said.

"Hey." he replied as he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"So, I see you managed to kill the entire cast of Watership Down today." she said, indicating towards his spoils.

"What?" he rarely had any idea what she was going on about.

"Watership Down? It was a story about a load of rabbits who need to find a new home as theirs is about to be destroyed but some don't believe it and stay behind. A rabbit has a vision and leads them to a new home but there aren't any females so they join with another group but it turns out they are run by a despot and then they release a dog and everything is ok in the end." She saw Daryl looking at her like she had put her knickers on her head and started to dance the waltz, "Ummmm, it was a cartoon? Bonnie Tyler did the theme song?" and then stopped talking because she was embarrassed.

Daryl gave her a sidelong look. He had never met anybody like her before or after. She was a fierce fighter, he'd seen that; she was clever, not just book clever but smart, a strategist; she could meet someone once and know what type of person they were inside and out; she was dangerous and he still wasn't sure how dangerous. But she was also…in his previous life he might have described her as a rich bitch, his brother certainly would have done. He knew they would never have crossed paths, but that could be said for all the rest of his family. She knew things that he'd never heard of and dropped them into casual conversation as if everybody else would know what she was talking about but she was never stuck up. She wasn't a rich bitch at all.

He had learned a little of her back story and most of it ran parallel with his own; he'd always thought that the rich had everything but it turned out that they were just as fucked as the poor. He'd also seen a bit of what was underneath her tough exterior; when she laughed, and it wasn't often, but when she did, it was loud and raucous and almost unstoppable. Abraham had tried to teach Lawrence to strip a Beretta and had got so frustrated with his ineptitude that he'd thrown the gun that had bounced off the fence, hit Rosita who was passing by, who had then proceeded to berate Abraham for a good 10 minutes; the whole time Essie had laughed until she cried, genuine tears streaming down her face, until she couldn't stand. Rick and Carol were learning to respect her abilities and Deanna was beginning to realize her potential. But more than that, he liked her. She was fiery and broken and weird and totally beyond his comfort zone but he liked her.

"You know, because you'd got rabbits? I thought it looked like Watership Down." she repeated, lamely.

"Yeah, I got that."

"Oh good because you were looking at me like I'd grown an extra head." she said, staring straight ahead, waiting to see how he reacted.

"Nope. Just thinking that you've been out nearly all day and managed to catch nothin'. I was just wandering what you'd been wasting your time on." he replied, staring ahead just like her.

"Did you just take the piss out of me?" she asked, her stomach fizzing a little at this new development.

"Maybe."

"Ok. I'm impressed. But this now gives me carte blanche to retaliate."

He grunted a little and smiled slightly, then bit his lip.

"So where did you go hunt? I tracked a deer but lost it and that was all I saw today." she asked and then thought that might have sounded like she was trying to wangle an invite to go hunting with him and added, "you know because we need to stock up as the season's changing and you always seem to come back with a good amount and you are out with Aaron and..stuff. I just want to be prepared." and finally stopped talking.

"Hope for the best and expect the worst?" he said, echoing her mantra.

"Something like that." she said, relieved.

"I could show you sometime, if you want?" he asked tentatively.

"Oh no, I know you like to hunt alone. I just wanted to know for when you and Aaron are away. My grounds seem to be a bit sparse lately." and then mentally kicked herself up and down the road.

"East of the highway, a couple of miles off the road." he said shortly, he was stung that she'd refused his offer.

"Thanks." she said and they walked on in silence, Essie mentally beating the shit out of herself all the way.

They got back to Alexandria. Eric was waiting for them by the gate, looking worried.

"Essie." he said, "You're not to worry."

Essie immediately tensed up, she knew something was terribly wrong.

"Aiden decided they needed another scout on the run today so Lawrence went with them. They ran into some trouble. He's not bitten" he added hurriedly, as Essie's entire body changed, "but he's hurt. He's dislocated his shoulder, slashed his arm and chest. Pete's with him now and…"

Eric did not get to finish his sentence. Essie had dropped the rifle and took off like a bullet out of a gun. Daryl dropped the carcasses and followed her.

She burst into the hospital house and saw Michonne, Rick, Carl and Rosita round the bed with Pete on the other side finishing the stitches on Lawrence's forehead.

"He's fine. He's fine." said Rick, hearing Essie gasp. She pushed the others out of the way and knelt by the bed.

"Hey." said Lawrence weakly.

"Hey." said Essie, "what happened?"

"It was my own fault. We were out and got caught by the dead. I was trying to get one of them when it pushed me and I fell." he answered, not looking her in the eye.

"What were you doing outside?" she asked, "you were supposed to be looking at the solar grid with Reg."

"Aiden said that I needed to help scout for supplies." he said, still not looking at her.

"Ok." her eyes were cold and blank, but her words were still gentle, "you get some rest. I'll see you in a little while." and she got to her feet. Lawrence grabbed her hand.

"Please don't do anything stupid. It was my fault." he begged and winced as she removed her hand.

She smiled at him and walked past the others, not even seeing them.

Rick knew the signs; you'd have to be blind not to see them. Essie was, at the best of times, like a dormant volcano, quiet but never still and never safe. Now she was about to erupt.

She was out on the porch before he got to her.

"Stop!" he said but she kept on walking. The others came out behind him.

"I said stop." and he grabbed her arm. This time she did not fly into a rage, she did not start to kick and scream. She looked down at his hand on her arm, looked up at him and threw a right hook so fast he didn't have time to blink. He hit the deck and she began to run towards to Deanna's house.

The others got to Rick and she was already 50 yards away and moving fast.

"I'm good. Go, go after her." Rick said to Daryl and he tried to stop the ringing in his ears. The others began to help Rick to his feet and Daryl followed Essie.

She couldn't feel anything except the bright, sharp point of rage that burned in the centre of her chest. It was hot, white and needed to be set free. She heard Aiden talking to Nicholas and stopped running. If she had had her gun she would have cocked it, instead she curled her hands into fists.

Aiden was laughing when she rounded the corner but immediately stopped.

"We needed someone else!" he stuttered, backing away from her, "He said he was ok to come out with us. Look lady, he fell, he wasn't pushed…"

Essie grabbed the front of his shirt and punched him down. He was on his back and she landed on top of him, still clutching the shirt. She lifted him up and punched and punched his face; blood poured from his nose and mouth but she didn't stop. She was vaguely aware of Nicholas shouting but ignored it and kept on pummeling Aiden. The she felt a heavy thump across her back, she didn't register the pain but turned to see Nicholas turning his rifle the right way and sighting it, aiming it at her. She got to her feet and began to advance on him.

"Stop!" he shouted, "Stop or I'll shoot."

"Do it." she said quietly.

He began to move backwards still with the gun trained on her and she walked towards him. She heard others arrive on the scene and gasp at what they saw.

"Nicholas, put the gun down!" shouted Deanna.

"No! She'll kill me." said Nicholas.

"Put the gun down." Rick's order cut through Deanna's next sentence.

"You're right." said Essie, still quiet, "the second you put that gun down, I will kill you. No-one can stop me."

Nicholas held the gun tighter still aiming it at Essie who was still advancing on him. He backed up against the next building and desperately searched for a way out but she was only feet away. He still held the gun up as she came close.

"I'll shoot." he repeated.

She stopped with the rifle nearly against her chest, "The only way you live is if you kill me."

She saw his finger go to the trigger and felt a sense of peace, the world fell away and all she could hear was her mother singing a Joni Mitchell song, there was smell of burning in the air and she closed her eyes.

Suddenly she felt an impact on her right side and she was on the ground with something heavy on top of her. She struggled and kicked out but her hands were pinned to her chest.

"Get him out of here!" shouted Daryl as he fought to keep Essie on the ground. The others manhandled Aidan to his feet; Glen and Abraham dragged the petrified Nicholas away. Rick picked up the fallen rifle and Michonne indicated that everyone should move quickly away.

When he was sure everyone was clear, he shifted to look at Essie underneath him.

"Get the fuck off me!" she cursed.

He felt the heat of her anger burn through her clothes. She was like fire and she was scorching him as he held her down. She twisted her body this way and that trying to throw him off; all the time he felt her heat. She wasn't about to let them get away, Daryl knew she would go after them as soon as he freed her. Her face was very close to his and he looked into her eyes and saw the pain that crept and lurked deep beneath her surface. He also saw the hunger and the need for change, he saw it everytime he looked in the mirror. He felt her breath over his skin; her fire was scalding him.

He hauled her to her feet still with a tight grip around her wrists, he felt the small bones grind and click in his hands. She tugged and pulled but couldn't break his hold.

"What the fuck were you doing?" he shouted, "he'd have killed you!"

"Let me go! You fucking bastard." she yelled, pulling harder.

"No!" he yelled back, "you walked right towards him. He had a gun. Did you want to die!?"

"If he'd have killed me, he'd have been exiled and he couldn't have put Lawrence in anymore danger!" she was still struggling against Daryl.

"What?" he said disbelievingly, "you'd have got yourself killed just for that to happen?"

"My brother nearly died!" she nearly screamed at him.

"But that doesn't mean you should let someone kill you."

"What the fuck would you know? Let me fucking go!" and she yanked hard enough for Daryl to loosen his grip. She staggered backwards, her red hair flying around her like a physical manifestation of her anger.

"You'd get yourself killed just to protect your brother? You can protect him better if you're alive."

"I wasn't there." she cried, "he got hurt and I wasn't there."

"You're worth more than that kind of death." said Daryl, breathing hard. Essie stared at him, a hard stare filled with disdain.

"Don't pretend to fucking know me or my brother. Who are you anyway? A fucking pet, running after Rick and now, running after Aaron. If you're not taking orders you can't function. You're disposable. A disposable grunt, easily replaced. Fuck off and leave me and mine alone." She should have stopped, she wanted to stop but she couldn't. This man had denied her the vengeance she had wanted, denied her the peace of death that she craved in the dark and silence. He had told her she was worth something, what the hell did he know?

Rick reappeared, "Essie, you need to come with me." and cable tied her hands behind her back and led her away.

Daryl breathed in and punched the wall nearest to him. He put his hands on his knees and noticed a crumpled piece of paper on the floor where he had taken Essie down. He picked it up and unfolded it.

It was an old Polaroid of Essie and Lawrence from before. They were sitting close together in a park, the sun was shining, Essie's hair looked fire against her pale skin; Lawrence was looking straight at the camera, grinning, but Essie was looking away. He could see that underneath the smiles she was sad, so sad. He put it in his pocket and walked away.


	5. Chapter 5

She went with Rick without a fight. She didn't want to fight anymore. Rick didn't say anything as they walked towards one of the empty houses, she didn't care anymore.

She was put in an unfinished room in an empty house; there was a makeshift bed and a sparse but working bathroom as a potential en suite if the house had been finished. There was one door.

Rick cut the cable ties and put his knife away. He didn't seem concerned that she might try to escape and she appreciated this little show of trust. But still he didn't say anything. He opened the door and was about to go out when he heard Essie say "I'm sorry I hit you."

"You had to." he said without turning round, "I'd have done the same, I have done the same. But things are different now. Actions have consequences here that wouldn't have outside."

"You'll get someone to check on Lawrence?" she asked, "one of your people?"

"I will." he answered, still with his back to her, not trusting that he could do what he had to if he saw her face.

"Thanks" she said and he closed the door on her; she heard the lock click into place.

"Shouldn't someone be watching her?" asked Aaron to the assembled group, "you said she walked up to Nicholas and asked him to shoot her."

"You mean like a suicide watch?" asked Maggie, "surely we don't need to do that?"

"No." said Rick, "we don't need to do that."

"So Rick, what do you suggest we do?" asked Deanna, "you can't expect us to ignore this incident. She broke my son's nose and stared down the barrel of a rifle…"

The others began to talk over her; most of them saying that what Aidan had done had deserved retribution, others proposing a different opinion.

"Alright, alright." said Deanna holding her hands up to quell the argument, "now, I agree that what Aidan did was irresponsible and put Lawrence in danger but Estella's reaction was in the extreme. This is the second time we have had to have this conversation about the same person. I'm not sure she is a good fit for this community."

"If the situation had been reversed I think I might have done the same." said a quiet voice from the opposite side of the room. Reg took of his glasses and began to clean them as he walked into the centre of the group, "I know he's my son but I also know Aidan can be reckless and thoughtless. Essie did what any one of us might have done in the same circumstances. Nobody died, there are no serious injuries except to my son's pride. And to be honest" he said, looking directly at Deanna, "I'm not sure we've done everything we can to help this extraordinary woman fit into our community."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, we haven't given her a specific role. We take everything she brings back from her trips but rarely say thank you. No wonder she feels like an outsider still." he said.

Rick watched the rest of the group and felt the tide was turning slightly. They no longer looked like a jury about to deliver an execution verdict. Deanna sighed and then gave her husband a quick smile.

"You're right. I have neglected her. She stays under house arrest for the next few days to give everyone time to cool off and then I will have a long talk with Estella."

Rick and Maggie looked at each other and nodded; they both agreed this was the best course of action.

Essie stared at the opposite wall; she didn't know how long she had been sitting there. This wasn't as bad as the cellar from her childhood, at least she had a bed and a working toilet and there was some light. She didn't think about what was going to happen to her, she didn't care. She was tired, tired in her bones. There was a knock at the door and she heard the lock snick and it opened to reveal a woman of about her age holding a covered tray. Essie recognized her as the wife of the doctor but couldn't remember her name.

"Hi, I'm Jessie, I'm Pete's wife." she said, "I've brought you some food and something to drink."

"Thanks." said Essie, not looking at her.

"Your hands are bleeding." she said and Essie looked down to see blood dripping from her split knuckles.

"I can clean them for you if you'd like?" Essie was silent, she didn't have the energy to talk.

Jessie didn't wait for her to answer, she went into the bathroom and came back with a clean towel and a jug full of water; she knelt in front of Essie and began to clean her hands. She noticed that the silent woman in front of her didn't flinch even though she had to rub the cuts to get the grit out of them.

"What did you say your name was?" Essie asked, after she had finished cleaning one hand.

"Jessie." she replied.

"Hmmm. Essie and Jessie. That's quite jarring to hear."

"I suppose it is. You got a middle name?"

"I've got three." Essie replied, "Primrose Artemisia Honey."

Jessie looked at her with raised eyebrows.

"My mother was a hippie." Essie said by way of an explanation, "what about you?"

"Jane." replied Jessie.

"Jessie Jane?" repeated Essie.

"My dad was real into Westerns." she explained, "and I think he wanted a boy."

"How about I call you JJ?" asked Essie

"Ok. I kinda like that." and she smiled, "so what did you do before all this began?"

"I was a university professor in Oxford before I took a post in Atlanta to be nearer Lawrence."

"Oh my god. I'd have loved to have visited England." Jessie said whistfully.

"Well it rains most of the time and the traffic was awful, but…it had its moments. What about you?"

"I'm pretty much the same. I'm a mom and a wife." Jessie looked away for the first time since she'd been in the room, "there, you're done." and she let Essie's hand drop.

"I brought you some food, it's only a PB and J and some chips but I thought you might be hungry."

"Thanks JJ." said Essie and smiled, she uncovered the tray and set to work eating the food.

"Your hair is kind of wrecked you know."

"It is?" answered Essie with her mouth full, "I suppose I haven't thought about that sort of thing in a long time. No reason to care about it."

"You've got a lot of hair. I used to be a stylist." Jessie explained, sneaking food off the plate.

"Thanks, I guess."

"I can sort it out for you if you want? At least get the dirt and shit out of it."

"Ummmm. Ok." Essie said, hesitantly.

Jessie climbed behind her and sat down on the bed with her back resting against the wall. She took a comb out of her pocket and began to tease the knots and dirt out of the lengths. Essie closed her eyes and after a while relaxed her shoulders.

"I appreciate you not asking me any questions, about what happened today." she said as Jessie tugged gently on the comb, but the other woman remained silent.

"How long's it been going on?" asked Essie.

"What?" said Jessie, tonelessly.

"I'm not sure. My first guess would be your husband." she replied.

"He'll stop. It only happens when he drinks. I can make him stop." Jessie said, still rhythmically combing.

"No he won't."

"He promises each time it happens that he will get better."

"It won't stop. When you've had enough, tell me. I will make him stop. I promise."

Jessie continued to comb her hair in silence.

"There, you're shit free." she said eventually. Essie ran her fingers over her sore scalp but her fingers didn't catch any knots. The door opened and Rick walked in. He stopped in surprise at the cozy scene in front of him.

"I was just leaving." said Jessie, grabbing the plate and comb, "I'll stop by and see you again?"

"I think I'd like that." replied Essie, as she closed the door. Her face set hard again as she turned to Rick.

"They want you to stay here for a while until everyone cools off a little."

"What the fuck! He nearly kills my brother and they put me under house arrest? What the hell is wrong with these people?"

"And you nearly killed him." said Rick staring at her, she stared right back defiantly.

"You need to do this. Your brother needs to be here, even if you don't." he said.

"That's a dirty trick." she said.

"Did it work?" he asked.

"Yeah." she sighed in frustration.

"Ok then."

"You going to lock the door?" she asked.

"I have to." Rick said, reluctantly.

She looked away and he closed the door behind him, hating that he had to do this. She lay on the bed and thought about it all. She knew she had to settle herself down. She couldn't expect these people to understand what it was like out there. She also knew it wasn't the apocalypse that had made her the way she was. She'd kept a lid on it for years, kept her life simple and never put herself in a situation where her true self could rear its head. Then this had all happened and her true self had kept her and her brother alive.

But here, in Alexandria, where there were people who had no idea what the world had become, she had to learn to use the fire wisely, not let it run rampant. But what could she do? She couldn't…wouldn't suppress herself; she was good in this new world and these people needed the fire more now than ever. They'd have to learn and so would she.

There was a noise outside her door and something was pushed under it. She got up and pick up a crumpled piece of paper. She unfolded it to see it was the photo she carried of her and Lawrence. Someone had returned it to her. She crawled back onto her bed, still holding the Polaroid and slept a deep and dreamless sleep.

By 9 o'clock the next morning Essie was bored out of her box. She paced the room, circling it like a caged big cat. She counted how many steps it took to get from one corner to the other, she counted the number of seconds it took to do a circuit. She ran her fingers through her knot-free hair, plaited it, un-plaited it, and then plaited it again. She made her bed, washed, brushed her teeth and then washed again just to pass some time.

She heard the lock click and the door opened. Carol had brought her breakfast.

"You've come to have a quiet word with me again?" Essie asked.

"No. I understand what you did." Carol said sitting on the bed, next to Essie, "drink your juice."

Essie blinked owlishly at her but drank the juice anyway.

"How's Lawrence?" she asked quickly.

"He's fine. He had a good night and ate some breakfast. He knows what happened but he's ok. You're here for 3 days." Carol said.

"What? I thought I was going to be out by tonight!" Essie nearly spat out her drink.

"3 days so you better get used to doing nothing. Eat your cereal." said Carol.

"What the hell am I going to do for 3 days?" said Essie, spooning the cereal into her mouth, looking outraged.

"Sleep? Think about what you are going to do when you get out?" said Carol.

"Jesus wept. Even Steve McQueen got a baseball to play with." Carol tried not to laugh.

"Did you brush your hair?" she asked, smoothing it away from Essie's mouth as she continued to eat the cereal. Essie flinched slightly.

"Why are you being so nice?" she asked suspiciously.

"I don't know. Maybe it's because I like you." said Carol, "it looks good."

"Yeah, well stop being nice to me. It's unnerving." Carol smiled again.

"What the hell am I going to do for 3 days?" Essie moaned.

"I don't know but you better think of something." Carol said, standing up and taking the glass and bowl.

"You're leaving already?"

"Yep. I've got work to do." and Carol opened the door.

"Well I hope you enjoy it." Essie yelled as she closed it behind her.

Carol walked back to the house and Daryl was on the porch. She was still smiling at Essie's situation.

"You ok?" she asked.

"Fine" he replied but she knew him well enough to know that wasn't true. She also knew not to push it. She had inklings about what was wrong but wouldn't poke that bear with a 10-foot pole.

Michonne came out, doing up her jacket, and saw the bowl in Carol's hand.

"You been to see Essie? How is she?"

"Fine. She's bored already." said Carol, the smile returning.

"I can understand that." said Michonne, "maybe I'll take her a book or a pack of cards."

"Here, take her these." rasped Daryl and threw a cigarette and a single match to Michonne. Carol raised her eyebrows but didn't say anything and went inside.

By 11 o'clock Essie was not just bored, she thought she might be going slightly mad. She had unpicked all the stitching on her blanket and was now picking the threads apart, making separate piles of the different colours. She felt a great sense of relief when she heard the lock turn.

"Hey. You busy?" asked Michonne with a smile.

"Yeah but I can make room in my schedule for you." answered Essie.

"I can't stay too long but I brought you some books to read. I didn't know what you liked so I got a selection."

"Thank you." said Essie, touched and grateful. She took them off Michonne and looked at the spines; there was a collection of correspondents from Virginia Woolf, a history of Russia's Tsars, a cook book and pulp detective novel.

"An eclectic collection. I appreciate it." she said.

"I'll try to see you again today."

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine now. Thank you so much." Essie replied as Michonne opened the door.

"Oh and Daryl sent you these" and Michonne threw the cigarette and match to her.

Essie spent a long time just staring at the cigarette and match. She had avoided thinking about the things she had said to Daryl. She was not given much to regretting what she had done; there was rarely anything she did that she regretted. But she did regret what she had said to the man who bothered her so much. She would have to think about how to apologise to him; luckily she had all the time in the world.

It turned out that she was not often without visitors that first day. Tara came to see her with her lunch and got Essie to teach her some poker techniques. Whilst they were playing, Maggie arrived and was dealt in. After they had gone, it was only half an hour Rosita opened the door and they sat talking for a good hour. Essie then slept, relishing the luxury.

Jessie came by with her dinner and stayed for a couple of hours as the sky darkened outside. Essie told her about England and her work, making the other woman laugh with tales of her escapades at boarding school and university. She didn't mention Jessie's husband and Jessie didn't mention the scars that were visible on Essie's back, through the white shirt.

It was fully dark when Essie was alone again. She reached under her pillow and took out the match and cigarette and stared at them again, turning them in her hand until the paper was damp and wrinkled.

"Fuck it." she said out loud and lit the cigarette, drawing the smoke in deeply and watching it fill the room with purple swirls in the lamplight. She enjoyed every single drag and was sorry when she finished.

She turned the lamp off and lay in the darkness but couldn't sleep. She turned the lamp back on.

Daryl was watching the house where Essie was being kept. He saw the light go off and then saw it go back on again. The light moved from one side of the room to the other. He moved closer under the window to check she was ok. He heard the water in the bathroom run and then Essie began to sing loudly and badly, an old Bobbi Gentry song he remembered his mother singing when she was in the happy, drunken stage of the night, when his father wasn't there and Merle was out. She would grab his hands and dance around the kitchen singing The Girl from Cincinnati, her hair curled and a cigarette in her mouth.

Essie washed her hair in the sink, singing loudly. She gargled soap a couple of times, accidentally and got some in her eye but she dunked water over her head for the last time. She wrung out her hair and wrapped it in the towel. She carried the lamp back into her bedroom and sat back on the bed. She bent her head and rubbed the towel over her hair. She noticed something in front of the door; it was another cigarette and match. She smiled.

She woke up late, the sun already streaming through the small, high windows. She was hungry for the first time in a while. She felt a dip in her mood when she remembered where she was but not a huge dip. She threw the covers off and untied her hair. It was still damp. She reached under her pillow and took out the new cigarette, twirling it through her fingers.

She heard the door open and expected to see Carol or Jessie bringing her breakfast but Deanna walked in. Essie immediately straightened up and was on high alert.

"Estella Kirk. You have caused some significant issues for me."

"And you have caused me significant issues also." This woman would not cow Essie.

Deanna smiled, "That is why I want to put a proposal to you." Essie raised her eyebrows but remained silent.

"Ok. Let me explain it to you. I want you to be my devil."

Daryl watched as Nicholas left through the gate with the other scouts. Rick joined him.

"We need to be careful." he said.

Daryl didn't say anything but kept watching as the gate closed.

"We are still not totally trusted." Rick continued.

"I'm goin' hunting." said Daryl grabbing the crossbow and walked away.

"You want me to be your devil?" echoed Essie.

"I want you to be my devil's advocate. You're smart. You're experienced out there. You are a good strategist otherwise you wouldn't have survived. You aren't afraid of…anything that I can see. Your task will be to offer alternative outcomes to the decisions we make here, my decisions. You will question everything. You will come up with worst-case scenarios and then work out solutions. But your main job will be to question me. I'm going to give you time to think about it but I do want you to think about it. Carefully. You are in here until tomorrow night and then you can tell me your decision."

Deanna went to go. Essie said, "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why me? I've been here for nearly a month and you said yourself that I've caused trouble and disruption."

"I am an excellent poker player. I'm an excellent reader of people. I was an excellent politician. I am an excellent leader of this community but it took you less than an hour to get the measure of me. Less than a week to reveal weaknesses in people who have lived here since the beginning. Less than a month to push people I trusted to their limit. You've weathered their suspicion, their dislike and their prejudice yet you've still managed to gain ardent supporters, my husband among them. You are fascinating and you were wasted as an academic."

Deanna left and Essie lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply.

"Fucking hell." she said to the empty room.

Daryl sighted his bow through the trees. All he had to do was fire and Nicholas would be dead. He watched the man who had been prepared to shoot Essie rather than face her. His finger wavered over the trigger. Nicholas moved out of his sight line and Daryl breathed out and leant against the tree.

Carol bought in her breakfast again.

"Don't get used to this kind of service." she said.

"I won't." said Essie, but Carol could tell she wasn't really listening.

"You ok?" she asked.

"Fine." answered Essie absently and then seemed to snap out of it, "how's Lawrence?"

"He's doing well. Maggie checked on him this morning. Drink your juice."

She watched as Essie took a drink.

"Have you been smoking in here?" Carol asked innocently

"Yeah, Michonne brought me one in yesterday. It's not like I have to use them as currency so I smoked it last night."

"Smells like you just put one out." Carol continued, just as innocently.

"I found another one pushed under the door late last night."

"I wonder who did that." mused Carol, taking a sidelong glance at Essie.

"You know who did it, he's the only one who smokes. If you've got something to say, say it."

"I don't have anything to say." said Carol, waiting to see where this went.

"Look, I know I said some shitty things to him but I…I'm trying to think of a way to apologise. Fuck's sake, I didn't mean any of it." Essie ran her hands through her hair in frustration.

"I can't believe he told you." she said.

"He didn't tell me anything. You just told me."

"Fuck, you just played me." Essie couldn't believe it, no-one played her, ever.

"Sometimes it's easy to get what you want by being quiet. You should remember that." said Carol.

"So how should I apologise?" Carol had never seen Essie unsure about anything; she just shrugged.

"Eat your cereal."

Daryl moved away from the scouts and headed back to the town; he didn't know what was wrong; he usually felt free out in the woods but today he wanted to be in the town.

"Do you need anything else?" Carol asked as Essie put the spoon back in her bowl.

"No, I'm good thanks." Essie replied, "what should I do?"

Carol shrugged again "You need to work that out but if you say those things to him again, you better run far and you better run fast or you'll have me to deal with." She picked up the bowl and glass and left, leaving Essie open mouthed.

Daryl walked through the gates, past their house and up to the unfinished end. He opened the front door, got to the locked door and took out his cigarette packet. He pushed one under the door.

"Thank you." said a voice from the other side, "have you got a light?"


	6. Chapter 6

Jessie delivered fresh clothes and lunch.

"How come you are the one being punished yet everybody else is running around on your behalf?" she smiled.

"I've the luck of Old Nick, that's why." said Essie, stripping of her shirt and vest and reaching for clean ones. She heard Jessie gasp.

"Huh, will you look at that?" said Essie.

"Wh…what?" said Jessie, still staring at her.

"I have lived for 23 years with these scars and I've never purposefully shown them to anyone. I've known you 2 days and here I am in just my bra." Essie waited for her reaction.

"Do you think about them?" she asked.

"Sometimes, a lot before this happened. Not so much when we were out there. Since we came here, more so."

"They happened when you were a kid?"

"Yeah."

"Did it…did it affect you?" Jessie wasn't looking at her anymore.

"Of course it did. But I couldn't change it once it had been done. I survived it. I did well in my life. And when this happened, I did well in my new life. I kept my brother alive, I kept me alive."

"But you've…freaked out since you came here? What happened to you then is still affecting you now" Jessie watched her again.

"You're right, but that wasn't because of my childhood. This new world isn't one where you have recourse to go to the police or a lawyer. You have to take the initiative yourself. If I hadn't have dealt with Aidan or Nicholas, they would have done it again. There was no-one else to do it, so I did."

"You could have left it to Rick and Deanna?"

"I don't know them. I don't know you. I know myself. I trust myself. So I dealt with it."

"But you asked Nicholas to shoot you."

Here Essie stopped. She was right; the truth was the Essie did know why she had chosen that course of action but she was beginning to re-think that position.

"In that moment I thought that if he killed me, everyone would know what he was and that was my goal. And…I thought I would die protecting my brother."

"But…you could have done something different, you could have backed down." Jessie was pushing for an answer but Essie wasn't sure what she wanted to hear.

"If I had backed down then they would have won. I am willing to die for that, everytime. But the thing is, JJ, I haven't died yet."

"And you think your childhood helped you with that…strength?"

"I had nobody growing up. Your sons have you. But if you back down, if you are weak, they will see that and that's what they will learn."

"But…I don't think I can do that." she said quietly.

"How would you know?" Essie asked directly.

"Please, please don't tell anyone." said Jessie, "I…I need time to think."

"Then I would recommend punching someone until they are unconscious; then you get 3 days to think whilst everybody waits on you."

Jessie laughed, "Ok."

Essie slept the afternoon and evening away and she woke up with the sky dark outside. She stretched extravagantly. She looked around the room; she was beginning to get very sick of the sight of it.

She thought back to the conversations she'd had with different people over the past 2 days; they'd all made her re-address some of the assumptions and decisions she had made; Deanna's proposal was still ringing in her head. She also knew who and what she was, perhaps more than ever before. She knew what she wanted to do more than anything else; she might have to change a good deal in the times to come but perhaps, for tonight at least, not that much.

She went over to the door and held the lamp up to the lock; it shouldn't be too difficult. She pulled a pin out of her hair and not for the first time did she remember the Head Gardener at Mayfield School for Girls with gratitude. She opened the door and carefully closed it behind her.

She kept to the backs of the houses and in the shadows. She didn't see anybody and only one saw her. She quietly pushed open the door and put her fingers to her lips when he saw her.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered.

"I came to see you." she whispered back.

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

Tears filled Lawrence's eye, the other one still swelled shut, "What if they catch you?"

"What if they do? I wanted to see you." and Lawrence sighed.

"I heard about what you did…"

"I know. I'm sorry. It won't happen again." Essie said looking at him, smoothing his hair.

"It won't?" he asked.

"I promise. I'm better now…clearer about things."

He nodded and then groaned in pain.

"Hey guess what? I got a visit from Deanna today. She's made me an offer." she said.

Essie stayed with Lawrence, telling him all about Deanna and who had been to see her, what they had talked about. She started to shiver slightly and Lawrence offered her some of his covers so she crawled in beside him as he shifted painfully over. She listened to his opinions and ideas as the lights of Alexandria started to go out. Eventually they both fell asleep and this was how Daryl found her.

He had gone to her room to give her another cigarette. After he had pushed one under her door that morning followed by a match she hadn't said anything so he'd gone to the garage and worked on the bike; he'd then worked out a new route with Aaron for their next recruitment trip. He'd returned to the house to eat but couldn't settle. He'd gone onto the porch, seen the unfinished house and, like a moth to a flame, he had begun to walk towards it.

He'd watched the light but couldn't see any movement. He'd moved silently to the door but couldn't hear anything; he guessed that she was asleep. He'd been walking back when he had seen her moving in the shadows behind the houses and he knew where she was heading.

He'd gone back to the house and sat outside the front door.

"You coming in?" asked Carol.

"Nah, I'm good." he'd answered.

She squeezed his shoulder and said, "She's not going anywhere."

He didn't react.

"Ok, well you know where I am if you're ready to talk about it. But I don't think candy and flowers will work with that one." He grunted but she thought she spotted a slight smile.

He'd stayed out there not feeling the cold, just staring into the darkness, waiting. She didn't come out so her went to her.

He walked quietly over to the bed and shook her. She groaned but didn't wake, he shook her harder.

"Hey" he whispered.

"Hmmm?"

"Hey wake up."

"What the…" she said, opening her eyes wide when she saw him.

"You can't stay here."

"Oh bollocks." she groaned quietly and threw off the covers. She slipped off the bed and gently covered Lawrence who hadn't woken.

Daryl scouted outside and saw the coast was clear, he beckoned her over. They ran in the shadows again until they reached the house and Essie hesitated.

"I don't want to go back in just yet." she whispered. He looked at her.

"Come on." he rumbled and ran past the house and up the slope towards the back of the church. He pulled himself up onto a flat roof and she followed. He flopped down onto his back and she joined him. They sat in silence looking up at the sky.

He reached into his pocket. "My last one." he said.

"Two's up?" she asked.

"What?" he said.

"Two's up." she repeated, "It's when you share a cigarette. Must be a British thing."

"Must be." he said putting the cigarette in his mouth and lighting it, he took a deep drag and passed it to her. He saw the end glow as she breathed in. He blew the smoke out and watched it disappear.

"Eugene Cernan." she said. He turned to look at her and saw she was staring at the moon. She turned her head to face him.

"He was the last man to walk on the moon, probably the last man to walk on the moon for a very long time. He wrote his daughter's initials in the sand there before he left."

Daryl didn't say anything but kept looking at her so she continued, "they're still up there and they will be long after you and I are gone."

She passed him the cigarette and he took another drag.

"The moon lives in the lining of your skin." she said and he murmured out a cross between a laugh and a derisive grunt.

"Pablo Neruda, one of my favourite poets." she said as an explanation. They passed the cigarette between them in silence until it was nearly finished.

"You stayin'?" he asked.

"I think so." she answered, knowing what he meant. He nodded and sat up.

"Gettin' late." he said.

"Yeah. I'll go back now."

They climbed down and he followed her up to her room without talking, she opened the door to the room.

"You'll lock the door behind me?" she asked and he nodded.

She heard the lock snick into place and she lay on the bed.

"Pablo Neruda?" she said to the empty room, "What the fuck was I thinking?"

She didn't think she'd sleep but she woke up to the sound of the door opening and the room bright with sunlight. Deanna walked in.

"I'm sorry, I thought you'd be awake. I will come back."

"No, no. It's fine, just give me a minute." Essie said and struggled upright. Deanna picked up the books Michonne had left her.

"I don't suppose you got to read much of these, I hear you had plenty of visitors."

"I read some last night." answered Essie, testing to see if Deanna knew about her daring escape.

"That's good" she answered and Essie gave an inward sigh of relief.

"So have you thought about my offer?"

"Yes I have." Essie replied.

"And?"

"And I think it is very interesting. I suppose my question is, have YOU thought about all the implications of your offer?"

Deanna narrowed her eyes at the woman sitting in front of her.

"That's a good question. I have thought about it and I still want to make you the offer."

"Ok then. I accept your offer but, Deanna, I will do my job properly."

"That's why I asked in the first place. Are you ready to get out of here?"

"Yes I am." Essie replied.

"Good. Aaron and Daryl have left; we have 2 groups on hunting duties. Reg and the others are still working on the solar power grid. That gives you and I time to get started."

"I want to see my brother first."

"Of course. Come to my house in an hour." and Deanna left and didn't close the door.

Essie walked past the houses, some of the residents ignored her but others waved and shouted their hellos.

"You got out?" asked Michonne, joining her.

"Early release for good behavior."

"Well make sure you keep it that way, I'd hate to have to arrest you." she smiled.

"Would you take a bribe?" asked Essie, smiling.

"From you? No way."

Essie went in to see Lawrence; Eugene, Rosita and Maggie where already there. Essie was surprised at the exuberant greetings she got.

"I've only been gone 2 days and you saw me everyday anyway." she said.

"The duration of the absence is not an accurate indicator of the emotions created by said absence." intoned Eugene.

"We missed you." said Rosita.

She got changed into fresh clothes in her bedroom and then went over to Deanna's.

"I have drawn up a list of hypothetical but possible situations." she said after Essie had sat down in their front room, "I want you to create solution strategies for each of them."

Essie looked at the list.

"What would happen if Alexandria ran out of food?" she read and then looked at Deanna.

"If this happened then everyone would die." said Essie flatly, "The question should be 'how do we ensure Alexandria does not run out of food?' I'm not going to be able to come up with solutions for stupidity."

Deanna stared hard at her and then smiled, "You'll do just fine. There's paper, pens, a whiteboard and some markers in the study, I'll show you."

When Deanna had left Essie looked around the study. It was neat, pleasant and homely. She went over to the desk to get the whiteboard pens and saw a print of her father's 'The Woman after the Rapture'. She went to turn it to face the wall but then stopped. It was a beautiful painting; her mother was swathed in gold and blue material with most of her breasts and legs showing, the sky was painted in dark greys and blacks making her red gold hair even brighter, her head was tilted downwards and angled to the left and she was staring out of the painting, a defiant look that demanded the viewer's attention. Reg had been right, she'd never acknowledged it before but she looked a lot like her mother, apart from the eyes. Her mother's eyes had a hint of desperation and Essie's did not.

She worked all through the rest of the day and well into the evening; when Reg poked his head in to ask if she wanted anything to eat, the whiteboard was covered with notations, colour coded and ranked. Deanna finally had to tell her to leave at 10.30.

Yawning, she opened the door to the dark house, Lawrence was not yet out of hospital. She turned the kitchen light on and saw Carol opposite, she waved and Carol waved back. The house was silent as she walked up the stairs. It was disconcerting. She closed the bedroom door and pulled the pillow and blankets from under the bed, got undressed and pulled the duvet up. She closed her eyes and slept.

For the next few days, she followed the same routine. She would begin at 8.00 in the morning and work until late at night. Deanna was impressed; Essie strategies were logical, innovative and efficient. They had argued and then learnt to compromise very quickly. Essie realized that Deanna was an outstanding politician who genuinely cared about the community but she was sentimental. Essie would cut through all of that, Deanna would temper her harshness and they would reach an agreement. Both of them knew that the situations were hypothetical and it would be different when there were actual decisions to be made but, for now, they were quite pleased.

"What would happen in the walls fell?" Deanna had asked.

"The walls are your best defense but they're not your only defense." Essie replied, "What you need is a trained group of citizens to defend if anyone attacked. There is a reason why a standing army has been a common feature of civilisations for thousands of years."

"But I don't want people to be armed inside the walls."

"And you're wrong about that." Essie had argued back, "the world is not what is was and it will never be again. Eventually, a long time from now, it may be that all the walkers are gone but right now they are out there and they will get in at some point. It's not just walkers; people who made bad choices, or who were weak or stupid or sentimental are dead. That means the ones who are left are either lucky, skilled or have used others to survive. Most of the people we came across in the last few months were…bad. They want what you've got and they will try to take it from you."

"So you would suggest that we train our citizens to use guns? To kill?" asked Deanna.

"Yes." Essie said simply, "or they will be killed."

"That's enough for today." said Deanna, obviously uncomfortable.

"You can't bury your head in the sand forever." Essie said.

"I said that's enough." snapped Deanna.

Lawrence came home and Essie invited a few people over for dinner. She had taken some time and gone hunting. She'd used the directions and gone to Daryl's hunting ground, catching 4 rabbits and some squirrels. She spent that afternoon preparing a stew from one of the recipe books she'd found. That night all the lights were on, Essie put Tom Petty on the stereo, she'd begged wine and some beer off Olivia and the whole group plus Jessie and her 2 boys, Enid and Eric came. The food was good, the company was good and everybody enjoyed themselves. It was late by the time they had eaten. Jessie said goodnight and took her boys home, Enid also called it a night and headed out.

Lawrence suggested they played Crazy Eights but Essie was soon booted off the table because it was mooted that she cheated. Michonne soon decided she'd had enough when Glen won and then Abraham. She joined Essie on the porch, Tara joined them, then Carol and then Maggie, finally Rosita arrived.

"It's funny isn't it? Even in this new world, women gravitate to women and men stick with men." mused Essie and took a drink of wine.

"Not that funny." said Michonne and swigged some beer.

"I guess not." Essie replied, "you know what happens now don't you, now this community is here?"

"No, what?" asked Tara, swirling her bottle.

"People will start to have a lot more sex." Essie said bluntly.

Maggie nearly spat her beer out, "What?"

"People will start to have more sex." she repeated, "It's biology. We're programmed to survive first and foremost. We did that. Then we are programmed to reproduce but, because we have evolved beyond that urge, it manifests itself in sex."

"Makes sense I suppose." said Michonne.

"Does it?" asked Maggie sarcastically.

"It's science." said Essie, mock seriously, "But you know if we don't take control, BOOM, the patriarchy is back."

Tara jumped and spilt her beer.

"Well we can't have that." said Carol dryly.

"So what do we do?" asked Rosita.

"Take the initiative." answered Carol.

"I'll drink to that." said Essie and toasted them with her glass.

"So what are you looking for?" asked Michonne with a glint in her eye.

"Me?" asked Essie, innocently.

"Yeah, you."

"Well…Richard Burton." she said with a definite tone and then looked at the others, "if he was good enough for Elizabeth Taylor, TWICE, he's good enough for me."

"Honey, I don't think you're gonna find Richard Burton even in this kind of world." said Michonne with pity in her voice.

"I know." sighed Essie.

"You never know, you might find someone closer to home." said Carol.

It was very late by the time everybody else rolled home. Essie couldn't be bothered to clean up. She was a slightly drunk and very tired. She checked that Lawrence was alright and then got into bed. Before she fell asleep, she heard the growl of a motorcycle.

The fire cast golden shadows on the opposite wall. He was like a furnace next to her as he traced fingertips over her collarbone and down her shoulder. She stretched under his touch feeling the anticipation begin to build. She went to move but he spread his hand over her stomach and pressed, she stopped. His hand slid up her body and rested over her heart. He dropped his head and she felt his breath burn over her skin. He pressed his lips fiercely onto hers and she felt him move over her; her body now covered with his. She shifted and he moved her hands to hold him. He needed to know that she wanted him. He hesitated but she held his hips and pulled him into her. She was like liquid fire under him and he gratefully burned. He began to move and she mirrored his rhythm; his breath came quicker and so did hers. She held onto him, needing him to not stop, to not break, and to match her, to be her equal. He couldn't stop if he wanted to, and he didn't want to. She began to say his name, over and over again; she knew he belonged to her, she had branded him. But he knew that she was his. "Look at me." She saw angel wings as the world burned, the sky fell and Paradise was found.

"What were you dreaming about last night?" said Lawrence as she cautiously sipped her water and tried to determine how bad her hangover was, "you were moaning in your sleep, but it sounded like you were enjoying yourself."

"Richard Burton." she replied, too quickly.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Thank you so much for reading, reviewing and following this story, I'm really enjoying writing it. Nothing happens in this chapter as I've hit a bit of a wall but as Neil Gaiman says "you should be writing" so I wrote. Please let me know what you think.**_

Essie stood in Deanna's study looking at the whiteboard; her head was banging and her mouth felt like a small animal had crawled in there to die. She hadn't got drunk in a long time, even before all this had happened; that wine had hit her hard.

She fished around in her bag and finally found her glasses. She had kept them safe all the time they had been on the outside; all the times they had to run and leave everything behind, all the times their camp or their car had been destroyed, she had somehow managed to save the; even when…they'd come howling into her world. She rarely put them on; they were sort of a good luck talisman to her. However this morning her hangover necessitated she used them for their original purpose. She tied her hair up in a bun, gritted her teeth and went back to work, craving junk food like never before.

Deanna had asked her to work out a contingency plan for a severe drought; it seemed fitting considering how she felt. She had drunk 3 pints of water and peed like a racehorse all morning. Reg had watched her travel from the study to the kitchen to the bathroom and then back to the study time after time. He nodded to himself and wandered through to open the fridge.

Essie still felt awful at about 2 o'clock, even the smell of the board markers was making her feel sick. She turned as the study door opened and Reg came in.

"I've made you some lunch." he said.

"Oh no I'm ok thanks" she answered. She wasn't all that comfortable around him, he seemed nice enough and he went out of his way to be personable when he was in her company but… Essie couldn't put her finger on it. Maybe it was because he was such a fan of her father's work or maybe because he was the type of man she wished her father had been.

"You need to eat." he said.

She hesitated.

"I've made you a bacon sandwich."

"A bacon sandwich?" she said, disbelievingly

"I've got contacts in the pantry." he smiled.

"A real bacon sandwich?"

"A real bacon sandwich." he repeated.

"Ok." she said.

Reg and Essie sat on the porch swing and he passed her the plate. She cautiously lifted the top of the sandwich and saw the bacon was crispy, there was ketchup and a hint of salt.

"How did you know this was what I needed?" she asked, taking a huge bite.

"In my final year of university I shared a house with a guy from Liverpool. He could drink anyone under the table, including me. But he suffered in the morning, boy did he suffer. The only thing that would get him through the day was a bacon sandwich made this particular way. I thought it might work for you too."

"I'm from Oxford not Liverpool." she said with her mouth full.

Reg smiled. He really did like this woman.

"So how are you finding it, working with my wife?" he asked.

Essie took another bite and chewed slowly.

"Challenging." she said.

She was relieved when Reg laughed, "You two are quite alike you know?"

Essie smiled, she had come to the same conclusion, not that she would admit it out loud. She finished her sandwich and brushed the crumbs off her shirt.

"Why have you always defended me?" she asked.

"Because you look like my favourite painting, with one difference. You don't look like you need to be saved, you can save yourself." he answered.

"Damn right." she said, "is there anymore bacon?"

"I'll go and make you another sandwich." he said.

Whilst she was waiting for Reg to come back with her second sandwich, she swung on her seat and didn't think about very much. She wrapped her cardigan around her, it was definitely getting colder.

"Hey." said a voice and she saw Aaron walk up the steps.

"How was the trip?" she asked.

"Fruitless." Aaron replied, obviously frustrated, "There a more roamers about than I've seen in a while. We would have stayed out longer but there was a problem with the car."

She felt her skin prickle and tighten and her palms began to sweat.

"You ok?" Aaron asked, ducking his head to look at her.

"I'm fine," she said quickly, "When will you head out again?"

"Soon." he replied, "How are you getting on? How's the new job?" She was relieved when he didn't press her again.

"I'm getting along well. But…I have a hangover today. The first in a very long time and I'd forgotten how bad they were."

Aaron laughed and Reg came out with her sandwich and handed it over.

"Hey Aaron." he said, "Deanna said your trip was a bust this time. I'm sorry."

"We'll have more luck next time. Is that a bacon sandwich?"

"For my hangover." Essie said and took another huge bite.

"You feel better now?" Reg asked as she finished her second sandwich.

"Much better, thank you. Your university friend was really onto something."

"My pleasure."

Essie went back to work with a clearer head and looked at the work she had done that morning; most of it was utter bollocks so she rubbed it out and started again. She purposefully didn't think about what Aaron had said. It had happened a long way away from Alexandria; these people weren't ready to know about it yet.

Essie couldn't deny the dread she felt anymore; she'd gone to bed with it in her head and now she had woken, the morning only made it worse. Not fear or terror, she could fight those head on. No, this was dread; she couldn't counteract dread. She couldn't fight what she couldn't yet see. But she had to do something.

And the town was driving her crazy, it felt more like a prison everyday. She was basically working office hours, fucking office hours! She'd hated that thought even before the apocalypse. She'd work, eat, sleep and repeat. It was making her weak.

Essie walked passed her home, got Tobin to open the gate and walked out. She stepped through the tree line and disappeared into the shadows with a sigh of relief.

She walked for an age not thinking about where she was heading; she had her machete, a few knives, food and water in her knapsack; she didn't need anything else. She had no purpose and that suited her mood. She hadn't told anyone she was going out of the town and judging by the sun, people would be up and about and realized she was gone…well Lawrence would. She didn't care.

She took a rest and tucked herself into the gap between a fallen tree and a huge tree stump; she pulled her water bottle out and took a drink. A twig cracked and she stopped moving; another twig cracked and there was a sound of crunching leaves. The familiar moan carried on the breeze. She slowly drew her machete and stood up, still hidden. She was pretty sure it was only one but she wanted to check. The stink grew as it got closer; it nearly passed right by but it finally turned towards her. She waited until it was in striking distance and dispatched it quickly, bringing the machete down and through it skull. At least time she had avoided the spray. She wiped her machete on her jeans and moved on into the forest.

It really was beautiful. Essie was more used to the softer environment of Britain where the forests were more regimented somehow. The wilderness at home was kinder and gentler; it was balanced, rarely was it too hot or too cold, even the landscape undulated softly. Here it was harsher, more sharply brought into focus and all the more exciting because of that. The land here could be your best friend or kill you in an instant depending on how you behaved.

The autumn was particularly beautiful. It reminded her of what Pablo Neruda had asked, "What does autumn go on paying for with such yellow money?" as she looked up at the trees that seemed to shine with their sunlight coloured leaves. That then got her humming November Rain by Guns n Roses – from the sublime to the ridiculous. She kept on walking, she was finally free.

Essie turned east and tracked across a more open space, the sun was getting lower. She circled back, walking through the forest that looked like it was on fire. She took another drink and sat on a boulder…she didn't remember this boulder. There'd been no boulder on the way through. And where had that stream come from? Oh shit, she'd got herself lost.

She didn't panic; Essie wasn't the sort to panic. She retraced her steps to the open space where she had turned east. She took a deep breath and stared in all directions and then headed south.

Essie was fairly confident she was heading the right way when the hairs on the back of her neck stood up. She was being watched. She continued as if nothing was wrong but her sensed were on high alert. The forest that had seemed so comforting was now looking more like a devil's punchbowl. She slowly eased her machete out and shifted her bag into a more maneuverable position.

She'd been walking for half an hour and her sense of being stalked did not ease. She passed the walker she had killed earlier and picked up her pace. She could face pretty much anything but it was getting dark, she was on her own and she wasn't even sure she was right. She kept walking, every sense screaming that something wasn't right.

Nothing happened. That was what was killing her. Nothing came at her; there weren't even any walkers; that was wrong too. She'd abandoned any attempt to walk quietly, she just wanted to get to more familiar ground; she should be swamped by walkers but there weren't any.

She hit the road almost at a run. Bruce opened the gate.

"You're back?" he asked.

"Yes?" she said, "what's it to you?"

"Half the town's been looking for you."

"What?" she made a face.

"Yeah." Bruce said, "Abraham and the others haven't been working today, they were looking for you. Lawrence was about fit to burst."

"Oh crap." she said.

"You're in big trouble with your brother. The last time I saw someone behavin' like that it was 1986 and my sister had gone to a frat party and my dad waited up for her."

She walked towards her house. Her breath clouded in the air. She saw Daryl sitting on the porch opposite her house, smoking. She took a deep breath, pushing last night's dream right to the back of her mind.

"I know him. We've shared cigarettes. I've talked like a twat in front on him. I'm just being neighborly. It would be rude to ignore him." she thought.

"You found some more cigarettes I see?" she said and then thought that sounded like begging.

"No need for twos up." he rumbled, lit one and passed it to her, "where you been?"

"I had to get away. I went out to the woods. I got turned around and it took me longer to get back than I wanted." she answered, he nodded.

She watched him from behind her hair. She was sure she could trust him; she wasn't sure if she could trust herself yet. She burned to tell the truth but she didn't know if she should tell it to him.

She thought back to what had happened over the weeks since she had arrived in Alexandria. She'd had a run in with just about everyone. She'd pissed everyone off but she'd only been cruel to him. She still hated herself for what she had said to him but he'd never said anything, never retaliated. He'd just…accepted her. He'd covered for her, he'd…protected her. If she was going to tell anyone it was going to be him, she knew that in her bones now. This quiet man who burned with a strength that was more than a match for her own; a man who knew who she was, what she was, and still treated her with respect. He'd said she was worth something; well now she was going to prove him right.

"Aaron said there were a lot more walkers out there. I…I have a question."

Daryl shifted, he'd never known her be anything other than absolutely direct.

"Did…did any of the walkers have a 'W' carved into them?"

"Not any on this trip but we saw one near the barn out by the highway a while back."

"Fuck." she said, more to herself than anything else.

"What?" he asked.

She was silent for a while, smoking furiously and then she seemed to come to a decision and she turned sharply to face him.

"Before you found us, Lawrence and I were with a group. There were 6 of us; a couple trying to make their way to Montana from Florida, 2 guys trying to come here and us. They weren't…strong, not like your family but they were good people. Lawrence and I had a rough time over the spring, our truck had been wrecked, and we'd lost most of our supplies through my own stupidity. They took us in, they helped us and we decided to stay with them at least until Virginia. We…we were camping out in the woods, 2 people were always on watch at one time, we'd weapons and we were organized…I'd got them organized. But…they came so fast; so fast."

She stopped and he waited in silence.

"Can I have another cigarette please?" she asked; he lit another and passed it to her. She took a deep, hard drag and blew the smoke out slowly.

"There wasn't any warning. We were cooking food, it was nighttime. I was on watch with one of the guys. They took him out first, they just slit his throat, they didn't make a sound until they'd made their first kill and then they started howling."

"How many?" Daryl asked.

"Only 5. Only 5 of them. They weren't people, not anymore. I shouted to Lawrence to run and I turned to help the others but, in that moment, they had killed everyone. Everyone. Just slit their throats… I shot 2 of them, one in the stomach and one in the head but the others didn't stop, they stepped right over them and kept coming. We ran and they followed us, chasing us. If it hadn't been for a herd of walkers cutting them off we would be dead too. We spent 2 days hiding, running. We made our way back to the campsite and they'd torn it apart, taken everything including the bodies. There were drag marks. Who takes bodies these days?"

"Where did this happen?" Daryl asked.

"I don't know, we didn't really know where we were. We were still in the mountains."

"Why'd do you ask about the W?"

"They had W's scarred onto their foreheads. We came across some walkers after we were attacked and they all had W's carved into them. I made the connection."

"Why you saying this now?" he asked.

"Aaron said there were more walkers about and…and, I don't know. When I was out today I got the feeling I was being watched…hunted."

"D'you see anything?"

"No but I felt it. The same as I felt it when you and Aaron were watching us. It's like when you hunt; you track the animal silently and you know you haven't made a sound but still the animal senses you. I felt that."

"You need to tell Rick."

"Tell him what? That I had a feeling when I was alone in the woods? I don't think he'd set much store by a feeling. I've got no evidence." she said, frustrated.

"He'll believe you." Daryl said, looking at her closely.

"Do you believe me?" she asked, staring him in the eyes.

"Yes." he said simply.

"Ok, I'll tell Rick." and she flicked the cigarette butt away and followed him in.

She sat on the sofa in their house and Daryl was next to her. Carol came in followed by Michonne and Glen. Essie explained what had happened and the others listened without saying anything.

"Look, I understand that I should have said something before but I genuinely thought they wouldn't come this far. This happened in early summer; it's late autumn now. We didn't see any sign of them for months. We thought we saw them just before you found us but it could have been anybody." Essie desperately wanted them to understand that it wasn't stupidity that had kept her quiet, it was humiliation, her own.

"And you thought you saw something out there today?" asked Rick.

"No, I didn't see anything. I felt it. I felt like I was being watched." Essie said distractedly, "If you tell Deanna and the others they will panic and I could be wrong. The people here aren't equipped to even understand what happened out there let alone deal with that kind of trouble."

"So we stay quiet for now." said Carol, "keep it to ourselves and see what, if anything, happens."

"I agree." said Rick

"You're going to tell your people, right?" asked Essie concerned that they would be totally unprepared if something did happen. Rick nodded.

"Keep your eyes open. Michonne, you tell Sasha, she's on watch most nights. If she sees anything she is to come and tell me first." Michonne nodded at Rick.

"I need to go and see my brother." Essie stood up, "apparently he was a bit worried today."

"Damn straight." said Abraham, coming in like a bull in a china shop, "We've been looking for you all goddamn day! Where the hell have you been?"

"In the woods." she said shortly.

"Goddamn woods…?" Abraham looked like he was about to explode.

"Listen! I looked after myself and my brother long before I met you. I'm also a grown woman and can make the decision to go out if I want to."

"Are you shitting me? Your brother raised a stink loud enough to wake God and you think it's ok to just waltz back in here?" he shouted.

"What the fuck? I can come and go as I bloody well please and no mustachioed man mountain is going to tell me otherwise." she shouted back; she could tell she was getting to the stage where she would start to wave her arms about like a stereotype of an Italian mama.

"Where the hell have you been?" Lawrence stormed in.

"Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wanted to get out of the town and…" she got no further as Lawrence interrupted her.

"When are you going to stop this? You are so fucking selfish!" he shouted.

"What?" she shouted.

"You're so selfish. You don't think about how your actions affect other people. Jesus Essie, I thought you were dead!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Not good enough!" he said and walked out.

Everybody stared after him and then looked at Essie; the silence was uncomfortable and awkward.

"It's fine. He'll get over it." she said without a shred of certainty and stood up.

"Sort it out." said Carol, "this sort of disruption is dangerous, Especially now."

"I will." she answered and opened the door. She stepped out and looked at the house opposite; she didn't want to face that this soon.

She hauled herself onto the flat roof and lay on her back looking at the sky. She supposed she had been selfish not tell anyone where she was going but that's what she'd been trying to get away from. She was used to being on her own; before the world had ended she'd had her own rooms in Atlanta and could meet up with Lawrence when she chose to. They'd not had much opportunity to think about quality alone time after the dead had risen; but now, with time to think, she was being to feel hemmed in again. She missed driving as well. Before, if she needed to think she'd get in her car and drive; it didn't matter where, just…freedom.

"Suck it up bitch." she said out loud.

She felt the first drops of rain on her face and before she could get down off the roof it was a torrential downpour. She dashed down through the street, laughing and sliding all over the place. By the time she reached the house she couldn't have been more soaked if she'd jumped into a swimming pool. She finally just stood there and opened her arms to the sky.

She moved him to distraction. He found himself trying to make ways to come into contact with her. He'd tried to walk away but he only ended up standing and staring at her; she electrified the storm just by being alive but in a little while he knew she'd be gone. Why would she stay here, why would she stay near someone like him? He'd waited in the rain to see if she came down from the roof. He saw her run through the downpour. He wanted to shout out her name but somewhere in the storm he'd lost his voice and she'd slipped away from him. And now her was watching her standing in the wet night and could do nothing but envy the rain that ran down her skin.

The sudden squall began to ease and she went inside, he stayed in the dark trying to understand what he was feeling and missing it by a mile.

She lay in bed, staring at the shadows on the ceiling.

"Why did he believe me?" she thought.

"Because he's a good man." came the answer.

"You don't know that. I don't know that."

"Yes you do. You've known it from the moment he saved you from your dumbfuck self; you're just too stupid to admit it."

"What is a good man in this world?"

"A good man in this world is one who saves someone they don't know from walkers, carries them 2 miles over open country at night, stops them from getting themselves killed, shares their cigarettes, believes them implicitly and looks sexy as fuck all the time"

"Sexy as fuck? Where did that come from?"

"Your mind, you daft baggage."

"So what do I do now?"

"Fucked if I know, I'm only here because you've pissed your brother off and have got no-one else to talk to."

"Oh bollocks, this sort of thing is not what I should be thinking about at this moment."

"Hey, the thirst wants what the thirst wants."

She fell asleep with her own subconscious laughing at her and dreamt of dirty angels in a lightning storm.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks again to all the people who have read, favourited and reviewed this story. I really appreciate it. This chapter took a while to write. Things will start to heat up in the next chapter (I REALLY know how to sell this shit!). Please let me know what you think if you can.**

"We missed you yesterday. Where did you go?" asked Deanna watching Essie read the next problem on the list.

"I was scouting. I got turned around in the woods. It took me a while to get back." Essie didn't look at her. Breakfast had been a silent affair that morning with Lawrence not coming out of his room until Essie had left. She'd knocked and called up to him but he hadn't answered; as much as she loved him, she wasn't going to entertain the silent treatment, he'd get over it.

"People were out looking for you. We missed almost a day's work."

"It won't happen again." she answered shortly.

"Make sure it doesn't." said Deanna and left Essie to it. She worked all day, not leaving the study and left only when it had got dark outside. She didn't want to go home, she couldn't go out of the town so she went to the roof again.

She hauled herself up and was gratified to see that there was no one else there. She opened her bag and pulled out a jumper and tried to comfortable. Essie had wanted time to think about the potential trouble that was heading their way and how it could be dealt with, she wanted to think about how to make it up with Lawrence but what actually happened was that she fell asleep.

She was running through the woods, not the Georgia woods, the woods outside Pitlochry. She was heading towards The Black Spout waterfall. She'd passed the entrance to the woods and was now on the trail heading to the viewing platform. She was freezing, she looked down to see that she was wearing her school uniform and the skirt and long, grey socks was not providing much protection against the Scottish autumn. The moss-covered trees flew past her as she ran along the grassy trail. She was terrified; her aunt had arrived back from a trip to Europe and had decided that Essie had forgotten all of her 'behaviour lessons'. Essie did not want to learn them again. She'd dropped out of the boot pantry window, dashed through the rhododendron bushes and up the road to the trail; she'd spend all night out here if she had to.

The mountains were snow capped already and loomed black against the purpling sky. She had to stop running or her lungs would burst. She walked the rest of the way, wrapping her arms around her to keep the warmth in. She got to the viewing platform that was thankfully empty of ramblers this late in the evening. She curled up on the damp wood and listened to the waterfall.

Suddenly it was pitch black, she could hear footsteps and see the light of torches coming up the path. They were calling her name but she didn't reply. She scrambled as far into the corner as she could but the lights came up the steps and hands pulled her to her feet.

Essie woke up with a start and couldn't work out where she was. She tried to move her arms but they were tangled up in a blanket.

"What the…?" she said and then saw a figure standing next to her.

"What the fuck?" she said more loudly and pulled out her knife and then saw it was Daryl.

"Jesus!" she said, "you scared the shit out of me. What the fuck are you doing watching me sleep? Did you put this blanket on me?"

"You were like that when I got here." he said.

"What are you doing here?" she scrambled to her feet, throwing the blanket to the ground.

"I heard someone moving about."

"Mother of God, is there no peace to be had anywhere?" she nearly shouted, "all I wanted was time to think. This place is like something out of 1984, everyone watching everyone else."

"I wasn't watching you." Daryl was unsure about what to do, he'd faced plenty of angry, violent or out of control people both before and after but an angry woman who wasn't making much sense about why she was angry was beyond his skills set.

"I genuinely can't believe how crowded the end of the world is. Crowded woods, crowded towns and now, crowded rooftops. It's not even like I'm desirable company, I'm cranky and boring and awkward and even with that I can't get to be alone." She was beginning to pace over the rooftop and wave her arms about. Daryl stood watching her warily. She put her hands on her hips and stared at him but he didn't say anything. She realized how crazy she looked but couldn't think of anything to say so she grabbed her bag and got down off the roof. Daryl remained standing there after she had gone.

The blanket that covered her was left on the roof; if they had looked at it, no-one from the town would have recognized it.

Daryl was confused and that made him angry. He was always focused on what was in front of him whether that was fighting or survival; he could do both of those things and he was good at it. Carol had been right when she said he had to let himself feel the loss of Beth and he had; he hadn't forgiven himself yet. But this was different; he didn't feel anger or pain he felt…like he was on fire. He felt like every breath he took fed that fire. He'd escaped into the woods, on recruiting missions with Aaron or by forcing himself to avoid her but all those things only provided temporary relief. He knew if she went away he would track her down, she could run all she wanted but he would find her. His sleep that had been haunted by bad memories ever since he could remember was now marked with images of fire hair, sweat trailing down white skin, fingers gently tracing scars. His mind was cage that kept his body from her and only she could set his body free.

He didn't want these feelings, he'd never wanted them; now he didn't have a choice. But he had no idea what to do and that was making him angry. He thought about how she had looked asleep on the roof; he'd never seen her still, she'd always been like a shaken bottle of beer and you knew to stand back when taking the cap off but when she was asleep she'd looked…quiet. He didn't like it, she was meant to be in motion all the time. She'd been dreaming, she'd started to shake slightly. He wondered what she was seeing, nothing good.

He'd also seen the look in her eye when he'd said he believed her. She'd looked grateful, surprised but more than that; she had looked like she trusted him. He knew that would not have come easily to her, he doubted she trusted anyone except herself. But she trusted him. But he couldn't do anything, he couldn't speak to her, he couldn't touch her, he couldn't even be near her, he didn't know how to do any of those things. So, for now, he did nothing.

Daryl and Aaron left again the next morning and Lawrence was still not talking to her. She went back to Deanna's and kept working like a good desk slave. She finished earlier that usual and didn't feel like going back to the house so she took a walk around the town. She saw Jessie in her garage, working with Ron and Sam on a sculpture. She waved so Essie went over.

"Hey." Jessie said, "Boys, go in and get a drink." Her sons left and Jessie sat down on a lawn chair, Essie pulled over another one and sat down.

"How are you?" asked Essie.

"I'm good. You?"

"Lawrence is not speaking to me, I've managed to create a scene again by being absent this time, I'm working an office job and…" Essie stopped.

"And what?" Jessie prompted.

"Oh I don't know. I suppose I'm not fully adjusted to Alexandrian life yet. Are you sure you're good?" She looked carefully at Jessie. The woman wasn't looking at her.

"Not good then?" Essie said.

"It's fine. He'll get better." Jessie saw she was about to speak, "I know what you're going to say. Let me do this my way."

"Your way will get you killed." Essie saw that she may have gone too far so didn't say anymore. She shoved her fringe out of her eyes.

"I could give you a trim if you want? I used to be a stylist."

"Ok." answered Essie, more to make peace than anything else.

Jessie got her scissors and began to unwind the mass of red hair from its band.

"So shall I give it a trim or cut it all off?" she asked with a smile.

"Just a trim please. I look like a very fat twelve year old boy when I have short hair."

"Not a good look." Jessie replied and began to take the ends off.

"You know, when the others arrived I gave Rick a haircut, I'd never met anyone like him before. None of us really understand what it's like out there."

"You gave Rick a haircut? I can't imagine that somehow; you must have made an impression?" Essie asked disbelievingly

"Mmh hmm" she answered in a non-committal tone.

"You're not a very good liar you know?" Essie knew she was on thin ice.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Yeah you do. I think he's a good man but there's a lot of shit there as well."

Jessie didn't say anything and kept on cutting her hair.

"He kept his group alive and together out there for longer than I thought possible."

"You kept yourself and your brother alive for as long."

"Yeah but there were only two of us. No, Rick Grimes is a very interesting man. But he's also…unpredictable."

"What are you saying?" asked Jessie.

"I'm not saying anything except, perhaps, tread carefully."

"You're right." Jessie said quietly, "but…there's something about him."

"Yeah, I've seen that something and it looks good in a uniform." Essie said wryly.

Jessie smiled but didn't add anything. She moved Essie's head down.

"What about you?" she asked, "Anyone catch your eye?"

Essie laughed "Nope. I think I've lost that ability."

"Come on! I've heard a couple of people say that you are hot."

"What?" Essie gaped, "No you haven't! I can't think of one person here who would even give me the time of day right now."

"I can think of at least one person."

"Women and old men don't count."

"He's not a woman or an old man." Jessie replied, "in fact he's about as far away from either of those things as you can get."

"I've no idea who you are talking about" said Essie, shifting uncomfortably.

"Sit still or you'll end up with one side shorter than the other. And you do have an idea. I may not know you very well as you keep reminding me, but I'm not stupid or blind."

Essie didn't say anything.

"He's interesting too. Not my type but I can appreciate it. He watches you, you know? When he thinks no-one else can see. It's like he's dying of thirst and you're water."

Essie was still silent. She knew exactly what her friend was saying but couldn't acknowledge it yet.

"I think you need to be careful too." Jessie added.

"I think we both need to learn to leave well alone."

"I think you're right. There, you're done." Jessie passed her a mirror.

"It looks much better. Thank you."

"No problem." Jessie sat back down on the chair. Both women stayed there until the sun went down.

She opened the front door, the house was in darkness. She made her way to her bedroom and got undressed. She pulled her jeans off and a piece of paper fell out of the pocket, she unfolded it and read "Máthair".

She knocked on Lawrence's door.

"What?" he shouted.

She opened the door, "I need to talk to you." she said. Lawrence didn't look up from his book.

"I don't need to talk to you." he said. Essie sat on the side of the bed and pushed his book down, he went to pick it up again but she threw it to the side of the room.

"Stop that and listen. I fell asleep on the flat roof last night." Lawrence went to interrupt her but she talked over him, "It doesn't matter why I was up there. I woke up with a blanket over me. I…I thought someone else might have put it over me but it turn out…they didn't. Anyway…I've just found this in my pocket."

She showed him the piece of paper.

"I don't know where it came from. I've been at Deanna's the whole day so it must have been put there when I was on the roof. I've worn these trousers every day so that's the only time someone could have put it there."

"What does it mean?" asked Lawrence looking at the paper.

"It's Scottish Gaelic, it means mother."

"Why would someone put that in your pocket?"

"I don't know. Do you think someone is taking the piss?" she asked.

"It seems a stupid thing to do if that's the case." Lawrence held the paper up to the lamp, "this paper looks like good quality. It's made with cotton. The writing looks like it was done with a calligraphy pen. The ink is a strange colour, rusty looking."

Essie leaned over to look at the paper under the light, "Lawrence, that's not ink, that's blood. This was written in blood."

"You need to show this to Rick."

"Or I could show Deanna or I could keep it to myself. I have no idea what this is or what it means. It could just be someone messing with me." Essie was turning the piece of paper over in her hands.

"You need to tell Rick." Lawrence repeated. Essie looked at her brother and nodded. It was the smart thing to do but what if he didn't believe her?

"I'm going to bed." she said and looked at her brother, "are we friends again?"

"Sure." said Lawrence with a smile.

Essie went back to her room and stared at the shadows on the ceiling. She had started the day feeling trapped and irritated but now the feeling of dread was back, this time stronger than ever.

Four hours later she was beginning to doubt her own sanity. She'd turned the problem over and over in her head. She couldn't think why someone would put that piece of paper with that word in her pocket. Were they trying to mess with her? Who would do that? If there was someone in town who would do that, she couldn't think who it might be. Which lead to the question, was it someone outside the town? She finally fell asleep but it was light and restless.

She was up before the sun, sitting on the porch, wrapped in a blanket. It was very quiet but peace eluded her. The weight of the piece of paper felt like a stone in her pocket. She had made the decision to tell Rick but it was not sitting well with her. At 7 o'clock precisely, she knocked on the door; Rick opened it, eyes still heavy with sleep.

She walked through to their kitchen, no-one else was up.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"I found this in my pocket last night. I don't know how it got there." she passed him the paper. He read it and raised his eyebrow at her.

"It's Scottish Gaelic. It means Mother. I don't know where it came from."

"This is written in blood." he said looking hard at Essie.

"I know. Look, I don't know what to say. Lawrence said I should tell you so…I'm telling you."

"And less than 48 hours ago you were telling me about a group of marauding killers." his tone was not judgmental but Essie knew what he was implying.

"I'm not lying or making this up. Why would I?" she said

"I don't know. But I do know that trouble seems to follow you."

"I know, it's the story of my life, believe me. I don't know what to say." Essie sighed in frustration.

"Tell me about it from the beginning." Rick said.

So she did, she started at the beginning; carefully omitting that someone else was on the roof with her. Rick listened and didn't interrupt.

"So you woke up with a blanket covering you and you never heard anything?"

"No, I said that. I've told you everything I know. This might be nothing. It could be someone messing with me."

"It could be."

"I think we should wait and see what happens before we tell anyone else."

"I agree" what Rick didn't add was that he wasn't entirely sure he believed her. She was a magnet for trouble but he could well believe that she would create situations that made her the centre of attention; she could be more than capable of fabricating this entire situation.

"Are you willing to bet your family's safety on the idea that I might make this whole thing up?" asked Essie apparently reading his mind. He hesitated so she kept talking, "I can understand why you would question this. You don't know me and there is no reason for you to trust me; but please, believe me when I say I have no idea where this note came from. It could just be one of the kids trying to wind me up, it could be someone from the town even more in love with drama than me or…it could be a note, written in blood, placed on me from someone outside Alexandria who slipped in and out without anyone noticing."

Rick had to admit that she made a convincing case.

"So now we have to possible problems." he said.

"Looks like." she replied. They both heard people begin to move about.

'I'll get going. I'll leave the note here."

'We'll talk later. I'm going to look around the roof today. Keep quiet about this for now." Rick said.

Essie went to go but turned to him, "Thank you for listening to me…twice." Rick nodded and she left.

Aaron and Daryl had travelled about 30 miles out from Alexandria. They hadn't seen anyone apart from walkers. They had begun to scout an abandoned town; it was barely big enough to be called a town, a few abandoned houses, a wrecked garage and looted shops. They scouted the houses but they had been picked clean so they moved to the garage.

Daryl banged on the glass and waited but nothing emerged so they went in. It was empty and there was no sign that anyone had been in there for a very long time. They moved through to the back and pushed open a door and the smell hit them; the sharp, coppery scent of fresh blood. It was pitch black, Aaron turned on his flashlight and directed it around the room, and it illuminated the far wall. Scrawled in blood, with letters 2 foot high was the word "Máthair" with a star drawn in more blood.


	9. Chapter 9

**Ok so this is where the M rating starts to be the correct rating. There will be more I think (I know). As always thanks for reading and whatnot. **

"Deanna, rather than going through this scenario again, I want to tackle one I've been thinking about." Essie said, staring hard at the woman in front of her.

"Go on." said Deanna, slightly wary about where this might be going.

"This is how it goes, "What would happen in Alexandria was threatened by an outside group."

"I've said before, we are not discussing arming our citizens and this is obviously where you are heading with this." Deanna was angry.

Essie narrowed her eyes; she'd hoped they could have avoided this discussion until a little later but with the new developments she needed Deanna to have a plan in case the worst happened.

"Listen. I have done EVERYTHING you have asked of me. I have planned for droughts, storms, fires, plagues, earthquakes, and power loss; Jesus I've even planned for the world reverting back to how it was. I've given you comprehensive and workable plans that you have consistently failed to begin implementing. I realize you needed to occupy me and I'm grateful you didn't exile me but don't stand there with your sanctimonious attitude and boundless naivety and shut me down on the most important issue you will ever face. You have NO idea what it is like out there. You think you do, you think you and the people here can understand, that you can empathise but you can't. You are babes in the wood and believe me when I say the clouds are gathering and you will be razed to the ground if you don't start planning NOW."

"We are not discussing this." Deanna repeated but she realized she had taken a step back from the woman standing so tall in front of her.

"Then you have just killed this town and all the people. Do you think the old rules still apply? Do you think that the old laws will somehow go on protecting you even though the structures that executed them are rotting just like everything else? Who will you call on when marauding animals in human skin overrun your town? The army? The police? The government? They're GONE! You only have what is in this town already and what you have is not good enough. You have tried to neuter Rick and his group with responsibilities and your senseless rules. You have kept the other people oblivious to the danger. You have done this. You have been lucky thus far but your luck will run out and then what will you do? Negotiate? Talk? Compromise? You can't negotiate with mad men or animals. So you will die and no-one will even know what you tried to do here. Your legacy will be ash in the mouths of monsters."

Essie had been walking forward all the time she had been speaking, advancing on Deanna. The older woman had been backing away and finally her legs had hit a chair and she'd dropped into the seat looking up at Essie.

"I can't. I just can't abandon all my beliefs, all my morals." she whispered. Essie put her hands on the arms either side of Deanna and stared into her eyes.

"Then you die." she said quietly and left.

"What does it mean?" asked Aaron, looking at Daryl.

"Nothin' good." he answered and walked nearer the wall. He touched it lightly with his fingertips and they came away wet.

"This is recent." he said, wiping his hands on his trousers.

"We need to get out of here." Aaron said shining the torch into the corners of the room. The light hit a pile of rags in the corner and Daryl went over to it. He used his bow to move the top layer and then knelt down, Aaron joined him. Most of the pile were dirty and bloodstained rags but Daryl pulled out a crumpled Polaroid and held it up to the torch.

"That's Essie and Lawrence." said Aaron in bewilderment, "how did that get here?"

"She carries it with her. She dropped it and I gave it back to her a couple weeks ago." Daryl said, smoothing out the creases to better see the picture.

"Lawrence's face has been scratched out." said Aaron, "you don't think who ever did this has got them?" he was beginning to panic.

Daryl didn't answer but got to his feet and ran out, Aaron followed him. They got back to the car and bike without incident and began to speed back towards Alexandria.

As he rode down the empty roads with Aaron barely able to keep up, Daryl scanned the tree line as it flew past him. The feeling of dread that had started in the bloodied room was growing beyond anything he had ever felt before. He had to get back to the town. He increased his speed.

Essie pulled herself up onto the flat roof but not for relaxation this time. She was methodical; she started in the corner and worked her way over the roof. She scanned every inch in front of her but found nothing except the expected debris. She came to the centre where she had woken up to find Daryl looking at her. The butt of the cigarette they had shared was there but the blanket that had been left was gone. She brushed the gravel aside but could not find anything else. She moved towards the opposite corner but found nothing. She sat down, frustration threatening to overwhelm her. There had been no real hint of threat, just a few unfounded feelings alone in the woods, a note that had no context, and a blanket where there shouldn't have been one. These things on their own meant nothing but put together with the gut feeling that something was very, very wrong made her skin tighten. She scanned the woods beyond but could see nothing out of the ordinary. Then it happened again, the hairs on the back of her neck went up and she knew she was being watched. She stared into the trees until her eyes watered but still nothing. She knew though, she felt the eyes on her. She sat on the roof watching for an hour until she heard the gates open and the roar of a motorbike.

Deanna, Rick, Michonne and the others rushed out to meet Aaron and Daryl, realizing there was a reason they were back early.

"We need to talk." said Aaron to Deanna, "but first, where's Essie?"

"I don't know, we…we had a heated discussion this morning and…" Deanna did not get to finish as Aaron ran over to Essie's house. Rick looked at Daryl.

"Trouble." Daryl said and moved towards the church.

"Michonne you check the perimeter, Maggie you check the communal areas, Glenn go with Michonne. Find Essie. I'll check the houses." Rick said and everybody ran in his or her different directions. Deanna looked at Reg who had come out to join them but he couldn't explain any more that she could.

Essie heard Daryl approaching, recognizing his sound. She scrambled over to where he was pulling himself up. She put her finger to her lips and indicated that he should keep low on the roof. He crouched below the wall bordering the edge of the roof.

"We're being watched." she murmured, staring at the trees again.

"How many?" Daryl asked.

"I don't know. They haven't shown themselves. I've watched for an hour but I can't even see where they are, but they're there. I can feel them."

Daryl didn't question her. When he had seen her on the roof he had finally been able to breathe again. He'd almost reached out and touched her but had stopped himself.

"We found something." he said and Essie followed him down.

Everyone was shouting over each other. After Aaron had explained what they had found and Essie confirmed (to her shock) that she had lost the Polaroid, Rick produced the note she had given him and had re-told Essie's full story about the incident before she had arrived and then in the woods. Deanna was outraged it had been kept from her; the others began to talk about how to protect the town all of which seemed to involve arming everyone which enraged Deanna even more. Essie looked over at Lawrence who was staring at her with fear in his eyes. She tilted her head towards the kitchen and he nodded; she stood up and walked through with Lawrence following her, only Daryl noticed them leave.

"What shall we do Essie?" Lawrence asked as they sat on the kitchen floor with their backs against the cupboards out of sight.

"We have two options, we stay and or we run. If we stay we bring the fight to the town, if we go we are on our own."

"I think we should stay." said Lawrence quickly

"We survived out there the last time. We did fine on our own. If we run now we can go further and they won't be able to find us. We'll go north like we planned." Essie said.

"We nearly died last time, you nearly died." Lawrence was twisting his hands together.

"I was ill, I'm not ill anymore. Lawrence, if we stay we are putting this town at greater risk." she put her hands over her brother's.

"You've got a will for survival, I haven't." he said, not looking at her, "if it hadn't been for you I'd never have made it out of Atlanta, you know that. If we go back out there, I'll slow you down."

"Then toughen up." she said bluntly, "I knew this town would make us weak."

"Why do you think they are focusing on us, on you?" Lawrence asked, carefully avoiding her last statement.

"I don't know. Maybe it's because we got away from them, maybe this is a game they are playing before they kill us, maybe they think I would join them, maybe there is no reason." Essie did not want to think about that.

"But they could have killed you in the woods or on the rooftop. Instead they left you a note saying 'mother' and covered you with a blanket. That's just…just weird." Lawrence finished lamely.

"What they want isn't important right now. What is important is what we do. We should run, get away from here. Or there is another option…I go." Essie held up her hand to stop Lawrence from interrupting her, "No, it's me they're interested in so if I go they will leave this place alone. I can deal with them and then come back after it's all over."

"But you won't come back. They'll kill you or worse." Lawrence was beginning to raise his voice.

"Sshh!" she said sharply, "It's the sensible option. I go and you stay. You'll be safe, the town will be safe. That's the most important thing. I won't try and find them, I'll just disappear for a while." Lawrence looked into her eyes and didn't argue back.

Essie knew he wouldn't, she loved him but had known since the beginning that he was his father's son. He would always choose the path of least resistance and in the end, always choose the safest path for himself. He couldn't help it, it was in his genes; he could have learned to defend himself, he could have learned to fight but she had always been there to do it for him. He was a weak man and she had accepted that and when he was frightened like he was now, she knew what he would do. Every man in her life had always done the same. He would abandon her. Even as the feeling of betrayal washed over her, she knew it was inevitable. She had hoped for the best with Lawrence but expected the worst and had not been wrong.

"Stay here for a while and then go back in. If anybody asks where I am say you don't know. I should be long gone by then" he nodded; she kissed his forehead and silently opened the back door.

She slipped silently into her bedroom and pulled her bag out from under the bed. She'd have to go on foot and find a car later; if she took one from the town it would be too obvious. She opened the bag and laid the last of her clothes on top of the other supplies she had been keeping just in case. She would have laughed at herself if she hadn't been right. She'd never settled in the town, she'd always known she'd have to leave and had been preparing for it since they'd arrived. She hefted the bag onto her shoulder and closed the door, not looking back.

Olivia was updating the pantry stock when she heard the door bang open. She went into the hallway and was pushed up against the wall by Essie.

"I need weapons and ammunition." she said but Olivia was too scared to answer so Essie increased the pressure on the woman's arms she had pinned.

"The weapon, now!" she repeated.

"I…I can't…Deanna…" Olivia stuttered but Essie didn't have time for this so she punched Olivia, knocking her out cold. She gently laid her on the floor. "Sorry" she whispered and went into the armory. She began shoving ammunition and a handgun into her bag. She also raided the pantry, taking packets and some first aid supplies; after a small debate with herself, she took a half bottle of whiskey and wrapped it in a jumper. When she was satisfied, she walked back down the hall, checked Olivia's pulse to make sure it was steady and left.

She set her bag down next to the wall post and pulled the pegs she would use to climb up out of her pocket. She was about to ram the first one in when,

"Going somewhere?" asked a voice in the dark.

"I wondered who it would be." Essie sighed, "I figured it might be you." Carol stepped out of the shadows and slung the rifle onto her shoulder.

"Well isn't that interesting?" Carol said, "Where are you going?"

"You know as well as I do that if I leave, the threat goes away."

"So you thought you'd be the martyr and just leave?"

"I'm not being a martyr. I'm doing the sensible thing. You know that the quickest way to get killed out here is to give into sentiment."

"You're right." said Carol, still in the same even tone, "So you're going to go back out there on your own?"

"That's the plan." Essie replied.

"What do you think will happen when you do go out there?"

"I'm not sure. I think I will find out what the fuck is going on." Essie replied, "Look if you're going to try and talk me out of it, don't bother. I won't change my mind. This is the sensible thing to do so I'm going to do it."

"I'm not going to try and talk you out of it," said Carol, "they are." and indicated behind Essie. She turned to see Rick, Michonne and Maggie leaning against the door she had just exited.

"Oh, what is this?" Essie said in frustration, "I'm not going to repeat myself. You've heard my reasons. Now please, just let me go."

"You should stay you know." said Michonne, "we're not even sure if you go they will leave us alone. You're a good fighter, we'll need you."

"Michonne's right. And if this was someone else you'd make them stay." Maggie added.

"I'm not sure I would. One life is not worth all the others; you know that." Essie answered.

"But you're family and family sticks together." said Maggie as if it was common knowledge, as if it didn't sucker punch Essie in the heart.

"No, from what I've seen you protect your family and that is what I'm doing."

"And who's gonna protect you?" Rick asked.

"I'll protect me." said Essie, a hint of desperation in her voice.

"Well that's just stupid" said Rick.

"Look, just let me go. If it doesn't solve this then you can do what it is that you do but right now the only solution that leaves the most people alive is this one and…" Essie never got to finish her sentence as a gun shot rang out in the night followed by broken glass and screaming coming from Deanna's house.

They ran towards the noise and burst into the house. Everyone in the living room was in a state of shock but alive. They then heard Rosita shout from the kitchen; Essie pushed her way through to where Rosita was kneeling, covered in blood. Lawrence was lying on the floor, his chest ripped open by the bullet. Rick shouted to Daryl and the others to check the perimeter and the kitchen emptied. Rosita grabbed a towel and passed it to Essie to try and stem the blood pumping out of Lawrence's wound and ran to find Pete.

"I'm sorry." he coughed and blood ran from his mouth.

"Sshh, don't try and talk." Essie said, pressing down on the already drenched towel.

"I shouldn't have let you go." he continued, "I love you and I'm sorry." He coughed again and closed his eyes.

"Hey!" shouted Essie, "don't die on me. Don't you dare." Lawrence drew in a tortured breath and opened his eyes again.

"Stop ordering me about. Let me die in my own way."

"You're not going to die. I'm not going to let you."

"You can't stop me. Just...don't…let me turn." his eyes were closing again, "Dad said that your mother was…the most beautiful woman he ever painted…he was wrong…he never painted you…" he drew in another very slow breath and stopped.

"Lawrence!" Essie shouted but could tell he was dead.

She heard Rosita and Pete enter the kitchen but they were too late.

"He's dead." she said flatly and wiped the blood still trailing down his face; she laid her hand on his ravaged chest, drew out her knife and gently, almost without thinking, slid it into the base of his skull.

She stood up and walked passed Rosita and Pete through the living room and out into the dark street.

"They're gone. There's no sign of them." Rick said as the group returned to the kitchen.

"Lawrence is dead." said Rosita looking up as she knelt next to the body, "Essie stopped him from turning."

"Where is she?" asked Rick quickly.

"She left… that way" said Rosita.

"Did she say anything?" he asked.

"No, she just stood up and left."

"Oh shit." said Abraham.

"Find her." said Rick.

Essie walked passed the houses towards the gate. The weight of her machete and gun at her side was satisfying. She was clear on what she had to do; there was no question in her mind. Lawrence's blood was still seeping through her clothes and made her shiver slightly. She heard the town in uproar behind her but it seemed far away, like it was happening on television.

She stopped when she saw Daryl waiting by the gate, leaning on his crossbow.

"Are you going to try and stop me?" she asked.

"No." he said.

"Then get out of my way." she said.

"No." he said.

She stood staring at him and he stared right back.

"What do you think you are going to do to stop me?" she said viciously

"Nothin"

"Oh just get the fuck out of my way." she said.

"No."

"What do you want from me?" she almost shouted, "Haven't we done this enough times? Let me go."

"No."

"Please." she almost begged him, "Please let me go out there." He moved close to her and she pushed against him.

"Please just let me go out there." and she pushed with all her strength but he was like a rock. She tried to get round him but he moved with her. She started to punch him but still he didn't move.

"Move!" she screamed, "move out of my way!' but he took the punches she threw. She pulled out the hand gun and aimed it at him, he opened his arms and stood in her sight line.

"Move out of my way or I will shoot you." he still stood there with his arms open, she fired a warning shot next to him and he didn't even flinch. Drawn by the gun shot, the others ran to the gate and stopped when they saw the strange tableaux.

"No!" said Carol as Rick went to grab Essie, "he knows what he's doing."

"I will shoot you." she repeated, "let me go." but Daryl still stood still in the firing line.

"Please, Daryl, please. They killed him because of me. He's dead because of me. I killed him." and the gun in her hand wavered for the first time, "he was all I had. He was my only link to…to the past and now he's gone. He's the only one who really knew me and I let him die. He's gone…he's gone and now I'm alone." and the gun fell from her hands. Daryl moved nearer to her.

"No, let me alone!" she cried but he was close enough for her to feel his warmth, "let me alone" she repeated as her legs went from under her but he was there to catch her. She felt his arms wrap around her like steel bands of living flesh that kept her upright and on her feet. The icy cage that had encased her heart for the longest time, from before Lawrence had died, before they had arrived in Alexandria, before the world had ended and before she had even come to America started to creak and crack. Her chest felt like it would burst from the flood but still he kept her upright and on her feet. She breathed in his warmth and more of her pain was burned away, it was excruciating and wonderful and still he kept her upright and on her feet. She looked up but didn't see the stars or the clouds, she saw him looking down at her, the intensity of his stare causing the fear to scatter.

"Why?" she whispered.

"Because we all die alone but we don't have to live alone." he replied.

"Thank you." she whispered, "but I'm going to throw up." and he held her hair back as she did so.

"Leave them alone." said Carol drawing Rick away, "come on we need to make plans."

"But…" said Rick still staring at Daryl and Essie.

"No, come on." said Carol and pulled Rick who was still staring at the unlikeliest scene he had ever witnessed and that was saying something.

"You done?" asked Daryl still holding Essie's hair.

"Yes." she replied and then threw up again.

"What about now?" he asked and she stood up, wiping her mouth with her sleeve and nodding.

"You wanna go home?" he asked and she nodded again.

She opened the front door and he followed her in.

"I should…should go and…get his body." she said and went to leave but Daryl put his hand on her arm.

"The others will sort that." and she didn't argue.

She went into the kitchen and drank straight from the tap, big gulps of water. She splashed water in her face and was surprised when the water ran red; she looked down and saw she was covered in Lawrence's blood. She frantically ripped off her shirt and vest and began to scrub at her skin. Daryl walked in and saw what she was doing. He grabbed her hands before she did any damage, reached round her and took a cloth, he ran it under the tap still holding her with one hand. He then began to wipe the blood off her arms, chest and stomach as she stood there and let him.

When she was clean she let him lead her into the dark sitting room. He opened her bag and pulled out a clean vest. She put it on and sat on the sofa but she was shivering so he found a jumper. He unrolled it and a bottle of whiskey fell onto the chair. He passed her the jumper and held up the bottle.

"I thought I might need it." she said by way of an explanation. He didn't say anything but opened it and took a swig and then passed it to her. She accepted it gratefully and took a long drink; Daryl was surprised that she didn't cough or splutter.

"I might have been a Literature professor but I wasn't a nun." she said as he looked at her, "have you got a…" but before she could finish he'd pulled out 2 cigarettes, lit them and passed one to her. She took a hard drag and lay back as the whiskey and smoke filled her chest with a spicy fire. She felt the sofa dip as Daryl sat next to her and lay back.

They passed the bottle between them in silence for a while and smoked their cigarettes. Daryl blew a smoke ring and Essie turned her head towards him.

"You know that's something I never learnt to do. Bill, the gardener at my school, could blow out one smoke ring and then blow another smaller one through it, I was always so impressed." and Daryl did just that.

"Cool" said Essie with mock admiration and Daryl rumbled a laugh.

She took another pull of whiskey and felt it singe all the way down to her bones.

"The light music of whisky falling into glasses made an agreeable interlude." she said.

Daryl turned his head towards her, "I don't understand half of what you say."

"James Joyce wrote that in Dubliners." she said.

"I don't know what that is." he said and thought he might be a little more susceptible to whiskey than before. She shifted more to look at him.

"It doesn't matter anymore anyway. Books, literature, the things that I've spent most of my life exploring are gone." she said.

"Why?" he asked, "They might not matter right now but in time someone's gonna have to be able to explain what it's all about."

"You think we'll still be here in time?" she was staring at him in the dark.

"I do." he replied and he took a drink more to break her stare than anything else.

"And I'm not sure you're ever wrong." she said.

Daryl thought back to the last time he had been in a similar situation with Beth. The pain of losing the prison, thinking that everyone was dead, the fear he had felt of the responsibility of Beth had made him cruel to her; then losing her, nearly losing himself with the Claimers, finding Rick, Terminus and then joining everyone else only to nearly lose Carol. Then the visceral pain of Beth's murder and finding Alexandria, Carol had been right when she had said he had been a child but now he was a man. He finally, finally knew what kind of man he was, he wasn't his father and he wasn't his brother, he was a good man.

"It's quiet." Essie said, "I'm not sure it was ever this quiet before."

"The woods are never quiet. Even if you go deep and it's night, it's never quiet. You can always hear the animals, the insects, even the woods themselves never settle." he said.

"You feel free out there." Essie stated and he nodded.

"I do too. I never thought I would. You know before this I had never even camped." and he laughed, "No, it's true. I'd never spent a night outside. Well, that's not true either, I used to go to music festivals in the summer but I'm not sure standing in a field surrounded by thousands of people off your face on various substances counts as being the great outdoors."

"My dad made me and my brother learn to camp. Weren't no holiday though." he said.

"You had a brother?" she asked and he felt his stomach drop, maybe he shouldn't have mentioned brothers.

"It's ok, you can talk about him." she said with her uncanny ability to read his mind. So he told her all about Merle and that led him to tell her about how he met Rick and then everything else. He talked more that he ever had before and she listened. He even made her laugh a few times, other times the sympathy in her huge eyes was more than he could bear to see.

"I don't think your brother and mine would have got on. You know once I caught Lawrence washing balloons in a glass of water before he blew them up because the packet had been unsealed." Essie said and they both laughed but then her eyes filled with tears. He'd never seen her cry before; he'd never seen her do anything but fight. She wiped them quickly away but they didn't stop. She looked at him confused as if she couldn't understand what was happening and he reached out to wipe them away but she flinched and a hole in his chest opened up.

Essie saw that she had hurt him, "Sorry." she said, 'it's just that when I used to cry my aunt would see it as weakness and just come at me harder. In the end I stopped crying, until now." and he nodded, she knew he understood and neither of them needed to explain anything.

She took another pull of whiskey and passed him the bottle, it was half empty.

"Can I have…" but he had already pulled out two more cigarettes.

"You know I probably owe you at least 2 packets already." she said as he passed her the lit cigarette.

"I'm not counting." he said and inhaled deeply.

She watched him from the corner of her eye, this quiet pillar of strength who had saved her life three times since she had met him. No-one had ever saved her before, she had always saved herself but he had saved her without even trying. She looked at him properly for the first time, she wasn't fighting something or planning something this time so she could just look. She saw a man that seemed to epitomize the phrase still waters run deep. He didn't say much because he didn't need to. He was a straight line in a world full of spirals. At the same time as her mind was realizing just who this man was, her body, freed by the cauterization of grief and the cessation of past pain, was responding in a way that she could not and did not want to control. She also realized she needed to shadow box these feelings. She had no idea how he would react to her and she didn't want to push him away. She wanted him to be near her, at least for the moment. She took another drink and blew out a stream of smoke.

At the same time she was watching him, he was watching her. He'd been fighting his own mind and body since he'd touched her skin, washing off her brother's blood. As much as the whiskey had flooded his bloodstream, so had she. He could feel her in every nerve ending, she'd infected him so thoroughly that it was taking every ounce of control he had not to let his desire burn both of them. Every time she moved and shifted she left trails of fire through him. Her hair brushed over his shoulder and it felt like a caress. He was going to have to leave before he lost control completely. She sighed and he felt her breath blister his skin. It was too easy to say he had never felt like this before, of course he hadn't. He wasn't an innocent, fuck no, his brother had seen to that when he'd hit fifteen, claiming that he wanted to check his baby brother wasn't a fag but he'd never known anything like this. He'd never understood women, never wanted to. Since joining with Rick and growing closer to Carol than anyone before he'd become more open but she was different, more like a sister. Essie was like a fire burning out of control and he had no need to put it out.

Essie sat up before she burst into flames right there.

"I'm…" she said at the same time as Daryl said, "You.." and they looked at each other. Essie was breathing hard and Daryl tilted his head.

"What do you need?" he whispered.

"You." she said and he wrapped his hand through her hair and pulled her to him.

She could taste the whiskey and cigarettes and knew that she had lost this fight. He felt her body thaw and soften in his arms, all the time knowing that he'd been adrift since he'd picked her up off the forest floor and carried her through the dark.

She pulled herself into his lap and drew him closer to her, she crushed his mouth to hers and he responded, wrapping his arms around her body feeling her intensity burn through him like a desert wind, setting him free. She broke away and stripped off her jumper and vest, she unbuttoned his shirt and threw it into a corner and all the time he watched her as if she would disappear at any moment. She pulled him back to her and their skin touched. He was so hot it made her gasp, she was surprised to see her skin was unmarked.

He ran his fingers down her back, feeling them catch slightly on the scar tissue. She did the same, tracing the marks of the past but neither of them cared, for the first time it was part of them, a part no one else would touch. He lay back on the sofa and she lay over him, her body fully covering his. She lifted herself up and looked around the room.

"What?" he gasped

"Not enough room." she panted. She stood up and he immediately felt the loss of her over his body. She kicked the low table out of the way and stripped off the rest of her clothes. He stood up and did the same and then she wrapped her naked self around him and pulled him to the floor.


	10. Chapter 10

**So this chapter has some M rated stuff, violent shit and weird shit. Please let me know what you think if you can. Thanks for reading, as always.**

She was no stranger to sex; she'd had partners and had known many people who would like to have been. She'd always treated sex like she would treat any other need; something that needed to be satiated and then forgotten about, like hunger or thirst. She'd had good sex, bad sex, indifferent sex, quick, slow, angry and tender but lying on the floor at the end of the world with a man who had made her surrender simply by breathing, she realized all of it was nothing compared to this. She'd read passages that appeared to describe impossible sex that no real person could ever hope to have but, as she watched him lose himself with her, she was reminded of Anais Nin "He was now in that state of fire that she loved. She wanted to be burnt." and he burnt her, down to her core.

His skin was so sensitive; she read his body like Braille, fingertips reading his bones and muscles like a story, tracing the tattoos and scars and marks, memorizing them. She felt the delicious roughness of his chest against hers. She ran her hands up his arms that braced themselves on the floor, feeling the taut muscles that were used to fight but were now being used to drive her to the edge. She felt his back muscles moving against her legs that were wrapped around his waist, so much strength that was restrained, chained, hidden now being unleashed for her. She met him on equal terms; as hungry, passionate and powerful as he was. His hands moved to her back and he brought her up to meet him, pressing her to him and then to the nape of her neck; his eyes never leaving hers.

He could feel her everywhere, soaking into him. He wasn't thinking, couldn't form a coherent thought. He was entirely and totally a man of desire. He watched her body become light and shadow as she moved around him. He dipped to kiss the dark of her throat and trailed fire to the light of her hips. She was like the crescendo of guitars, the acceleration of a bike, the release of an arrow and she was with him. Her lips were slightly parted, breathing fast, her chest meeting his and then falling away. He kissed her, biting her bottom lip like a first, ripe peach and she tightened around him. "Open your eyes." Their cries broke the rich silence again and again.

He brushed her hair away from her face, she couldn't move. Her bones were like liquid as she lay over his chest. Both of them were breathing hard and the moon lit the sweat droplets like morning dew on their skin. He looked down at her and thought he had never seen anything more beautiful.

"I can feel you staring." she mumbled into his chest and he quickly looked away, aware that his old uncertainties were creeping back. She wouldn't stay with him, why would she? He had nothing to offer her. He wasn't anything and she was like a supernova.

"And I can hear you thinking. I can't tell the future but I'm telling you this, whatever happens there will be a lot more of you and me." and she felt the flutter of exhilaration as his laugh vibrated through his chest.

He twisted her hair through his fingers and felt its coolness but thought that was wrong, hair that bright should be hot. Their breathing became even and she shifted to lie beside him. Suddenly he sat up and began to go through the pockets of his jeans.

"What?" she asked and then smiled as he lit two cigarettes and passed one to her. He lay back down beside her and she hooked one leg over the other and twirled her ankle; neither felt any need to put clothes on.

"Daryl's not back yet." said Rick to Carol who cleaning a rifle at the table. The others were sat round discussing what to do next.

"He'll come back when he's ready." she said not looking at him.

"What's he doing over there?" asked Abraham and was surprised when Carol, Michonne, Rosita and Maggie smiled.

"No way." said Glenn but was silenced by a stare from Maggie.

"What?!" said Rick incredulously, "Daryl and…really? Daryl? And Essie?"

The women retained the heavy silence until the men stopped talking. Some things were not meant to be discussed.

"You're going to have to go back sometime soon, before Rick comes looking for you, you know." said Essie, stretching luxuriously.

"Nah, I'm good." said Daryl, watching her move.

"Christ, could you imagine if they burst in right now? I think I'd have to probably shoot them." she said and instinctively curled into a ball at the thought.

"Are you always this talkative?" Daryl asked.

"I don't know, I've never hung around this long afterwards." she said with a glint in her eye and laughed at his derisive rumble. Then she sighed as she felt his fingers begin to stroke down her spine. She twisted under his touch and he felt the fire begin to spark again.

This time it was quicker, even more powerful. They now knew each other better and Essie knew what she needed. She dug her fingernails into his back, his hips, bit his shoulder just to feel him shudder. Neither of them held back and the house seemed to shake under them.

Daryl collapsed over her and her arms circled round him.

"You're going to kill me." he said breathlessly.

"But what a way to go." she said, equally out of breath and felt him tremor with a laugh. He rolled onto his back and she curled into his side. She pulled the throw off the sofa and covered them both; he put his arm round her body and pulled her close. He felt her breathing slow and felt himself begin to match her rhythm. Just before he fell asleep he realized that this was the first time he had ever fallen asleep this close to someone else; he kind of liked it.

Essie woke to the sun rudely shining through the window. She was still curled closely to Daryl who had rolled onto his stomach with one arm under his head and one hand on her hip. Without the warm fog of whiskey the events of the previous day overwhelmed her but she couldn't cry. Lawrence was gone; she had a new lover; love and war in one day. She'd experienced a huge thaw and she now knew who she might become. But she also knew she had a decision to make. She'd always fought her own battles, gone her own way but now there was the possibility of having back up. Could she trust Rick and the others to have her back; she didn't know them well enough to be sure and she had to be sure? She could trust Daryl, she'd probably never trust anyone like she did him but she might also have to put him in harm's way. She'd always been a protector; she'd protected herself, protected others weaker than herself, protected her brother and she couldn't stop that now.

She didn't realize that this train of thought would lead to disaster…hindsight is a wonderful thing but always comes too late.

She moved Daryl's hand and stood up. She silently slipped on her clothes and walked to the kitchen. She saw her bloodied clothes on the floor and the old Essie, the stupid, dumbfuck and impulsive Essie, reared her head. She opened the back door and went out into the cold, bright morning and Daryl slept, deep and dreamless, for perhaps the first time, blissful and oblivious.

He woke a while later and reached out for her and was confused when she wasn't there. When he couldn't find her in the house, in the street, with Rick or with Deanna he knew something was wrong. When they found her shirt, tattered and ripped outside the walls, he felt his body turn to stone.

She heard them before she saw them and she thought she was ready but there were too many of them. They circled her and baited her, she had her machete in her hand and she was angry, so angry. But that made her stupid. She took 1 out and spun round to get a second one, the one who was smiling, but missed the third feinting to her right. She sliced through his arm but was knocked to her knees. She twisted, too slow, a boot connected with her head and everything went to black.

Her head felt too heavy for her shoulders; she couldn't hold it in place. She had no idea where she was, how much time had passed or what had happened, there was just the pain in her temple and the faint smell of blood. She floated in the semi darkness, fleeting memories painted pictures of the past, sounds filtered down but she didn't recognize them. Time passed.

She awoke with a start lying on the hard, wooden floor. Her head felt like a knife was embedded there but she was conscious and aware. She tried to feel the wound on her head but found her hands were chained. She patted herself down as best she could, no broken bones, no missing clothes thank fuck. She squinted around the room she was in, the windows were boarded up, and there was no furniture. The walls were covered in red graffiti, meaningless streaks and lines but it unsettled her. She couldn't remember how she had got there. Suddenly the memories hit her like a tidal wave; in his arms last night, the bloody clothes on the floor, the sweat slicking their skin, the boot to her head. However now was not the moment to be overwhelmed; she had to get out.

She tugged on the chains bolted to the floor, tried to slip the cuffs but they were too tight. She scrabbled as far over to the window as the length of chain would allow and in the dim shafts of light she examined the lock. They looked old, they weren't modern cuffs, they looked like something from the 19th century, made from heavy iron with a long, thick chain looped through the bolt on the floor. There was no lock to pick, they screwed together and needed the key to open them. She paced the room slowly, unable to search all of it because of the chains. There was one door, out of her reach. The light was getting stronger but still not enough to light the room properly, it must be morning. Dust moved in the weak beams of light. The room smelt musty and damp, as if it hadn't been opened in a long time. She returned to the centre and sat down measuring her breaths and slowing her racing heart. She closed her eyes and listened.

The sounds began to make sense. There were voices, male voices, but the words were unclear, too far away. There was the wind in the trees so she was in a forest. There was also the faint screaming, this never stopped. She heard footsteps getting close, they were uneven as if the person was limping. She must be in a building that was more than this room. She heard bolts slide back, the door was bolted not locked, another problem to work out. She quickly lay back down as if she had never regained consciousness. She heard the door shut again but no bolt being put back into place, so the door was open when someone else was in the room. The footsteps came close and the overwhelming stench of sweat and an unwashed body nearly made her vomit. She felt a boot kick her leg but still didn't move. Suddenly she was hit by icy water and she couldn't suppress a gasp.

"Get up." said a voice.

_Rick loaded his gun, Abraham shoved more ammunition into a bag, Carol sighted her rifle, Michonne tested the blade of her katana, Rosita strapped the machete to her leg, Tara spun the barrel of her revolver checking the rounds, Glen slung the shotgun onto his shoulder, everyone was getting ready._

_"__You look like you're preparing for a war." Deanna said quietly, everyone looked at her._

_"__We are." said Rick._

_"__You are putting this town at risk. She's one person. I know this is a difficult decision but she's not worth everyone's safety." Deanna said._

_"__She's family." said Maggie and that was the end of the discussion._

Essie was hauled to her feet, her hair was stuck to her face after the dousing with water, she couldn't make out the man in front of her. That didn't stop her from kicking out, catching him on the leg with her boot and he yelled in pain.

"Fucking bitch." he said and back handed her across the face so that she fell to the ground again.

So he had injured his right leg she thought as her head rang from the blow. He stood on her chest with one foot as he bent down to undo the bolt in the floor then he yanked her to her feet again. He grabbed the back of her neck before she could fight back and put a knife to her throat.

"Don't fuck about. He might not want you dead yet but try anything and I will open your throat." he said and she recoiled from his breath.

"Fucking hell, did you eat a dog shit sandwich?" she said and was rewarded with the knife cutting into her neck enough to make her bleed profusely.

"Watch your mouth you whore." he said, dragging her through the door.

She counted her steps to where she was being taken. 17 to a right turn, 18 to a set of concrete steps, up and then 20 to a door. He knocked and the door opened then he pulled her through. It was dimly lit just like everywhere else but there was a small table with 2 chairs either side, another table just off to the side where there was food and water laid out.

He shoved her into the chair and looped the chain through another bolt in the floor.

"This has happened before." Essie thought and then heard the door behind her open again. Peg Leg dug his fingers into her shoulder as she tried to turn round so she couldn't see who had entered until he sat down in front of her. He was a larger than average man but not a giant. He looked like any other survivor at first glance; dirty and worn clothes, unshaven, greasy hair. The she looked into his eyes and saw the madness of a zealot burning there, the hairs on the back of her neck went up. She was in trouble.

"Your lip is bleeding." he said. His voice was surprisingly light, he could have been ordering a latte in a coffee shop or enquiring about the price of a new suit; instead he was staring at her face with concern and the madness of devils.

"Why is her lip bleeding…and her neck?" he enquired of Peg Leg.

"She wasn't coming quietly." he answered. The Man stood up and walked over to the table and poured 2 glasses of water. He set one down in front of Essie and kept the other one in his hand.

"I said she wasn't to be touched." he walked behind Essie and faced Peg Leg who was looking very wary.

"I specifically remember saying she wasn't to be touched." The Man repeated, still in a light voice and then, without another word, smashed the glass into Peg Leg's face. He screamed and dropped to his knees, blood pouring from the laceration across his cheek and mouth.

"Get out." The Man said without emotion and, even though he must have been in excruciating pain, Peg Leg limped out holding his face together. The Man went over to the table and poured himself another glass of water and then sat down opposite Essie.

"Please drink. You must be thirsty."

Essie was desperately thirsty but remained still, staring at The Man.

"Look I will take the first sip so you know it is safe." he said and took a mouthful of water. Essie picked up the glass and drained it, The Man smiled at her like a pet who has learnt a new trick.

"So Estella, please allow me to introduce myself. My name is…Luka. This is the name I have chosen for my new self."

Essie stared at him, still silent, so he continued.

"My people have been watching you for a very long time. It is wonderful to finally meet you." The light voice was the most disturbing feature. He spoke to her like they were being introduced over dinner or a meeting; polite but distant.

"I imagine you have many questions. Please, ask me anything."

Essie took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "I'm going to eviscerate you and then I am going to burn it all to the ground." she said evenly, staring at him. His eyes narrowed for a moment and then the courteousness returned and he smiled, showing small, sharp teeth.

"You are strong. I knew you would be. I feel like I know you so well. I've brought you home to be with your family. We're going to be very happy."

"You will die screaming." Essie said. The Man had his hands around her throat before she could react and he put his face very close to hers.

"You will do exactly what I tell you to do or I will skin you and watch you turn." he hissed and then he released his hand. He turned to sit but span back round when he heard Essie gasping out a laugh.

"You…you think that…I will do what…you tell me to do?" she couldn't stop laughing at him.

"You…you really think that? And you say you have been watching me? Fuck, you say you know me?"

"You will do exactly what I tell you or I will destroy your town and all the people in it whilst you watch. And the redneck with the bow and arrow that you are so close to will be the first; he will turn and then you will kill him." Essie just continued to laugh until he punched her in the face, knocking her out.

_Rick opened the gate and the others walked out. He was about to close it when he saw Tobin leading a group of the townspeople towards them._

_"__We're coming with you." he said._

_"__You're not prepared for this." Rick said._

_"__We're coming with you." he repeated._

_"__No. Stay here. If this goes bad, you'll need to protect the town." Rick said._

_"__But we want to help."_

_"__You can help, by protecting the town. Set up a constant guard in the tower, watch the perimeter. Anyone other than us comes out of those woods, shoot it." Rick and the others walked through the gate and Tobin locked it behind them._

When Essie regained consciousness she was back sitting in the chair with Luka staring at her from the opposite side of the table.

"Would you like some food?" he asked, still polite, as though he had not just hit her. Essie moved her jaw to check it wasn't broken.

"You must be hungry. You haven't eaten since yesterday morning and you had a very eventful day." he moved over to the table and prepared a plate of food for her. He placed it in front of her and laid a cloth over her lap as if they were in an uptown restaurant. She watched him.

"Eat." he said and when she began to eat he smiled again, good pet. Essie ate because she didn't know when she would get the chance again; all the time watching, assessing, waiting.

"Why am I here?" she finally asked, "why me?"

"I am so glad you asked that. Please, allow me." and he knelt by her side and undid the bolt. As he stood up he brushed against her leg. He let out an audible groan and Essie recoiled. She stood up, making sure that her t shirt covered her back pocket.

"Forgive this inelegance." he said and pushed a gun into the small of her back, "Until you are fully assimilated into the family, we can't be too careful." and he pushed her forward into the shadows. She walked through an open doorway into another, much larger, room. Against the wall was a large square object covered with a blood stained sheet, spot lights were the only source of light but Essie thought she heard movements in the shadows of this windowless room. He stopped a few feet away and just stared.

"This is what led me to you. Once I saw you, I knew you were going to be the matriarch of my family. You are so perfect, so perfect." and he pulled the sheet off to reveal the original, metre squared canvas of The Woman after the Rapture.

"When the dead took over Atlanta, I was trapped in the High Museum of Art with a group of others. We were hiding in a gallery but the dead were coming, we could hear them. I knew I was going to die but then I saw this painting glowing with a holy light and I knew I would be saved. Whilst the dead fed on the others I escaped and then, later, when I had become Luka, I went back to Atlanta and took this painting knowing that it would lead me to you. I lost 7 brothers getting this but they are nothing because now you are here." all the time he was staring at the painting. Essie saw her mother's face staring out of the painting, out of the past; that look of despair slicing through her more than any knife ever could.

_Rick and the others entered the woods silently and waited. Daryl appeared from the treeline._

_"__What you find?" asked Rick._

_"__There was 6 of them. She fought back but they took her. They headed east, didn't hide their trail either. They're expecting us." he said and walked back the way he'd come, the others followed._

_Carol caught up with him, "You ok?" she asked, knowing the truth. He didn't answer and she didn't ask again, she knew him too well._

A clink of chains broke the silence. Essie turned to see and Luka laughed, "You must meet my pets." and he pulled her chains like a leash and led her into the shadows. As her eyes became accustomed to the gloom she saw pairs chained together, round the neck, by a steel bar, one human, one dead; neither able to move more than a few inches. The humans were gagged and Essie saw their terrified eyes pleading with her.

"I will save you." she thought but turned away without reacting.

"Now." said Luka, "I must send you back to your room. I have things to do, I'm sure you understand, but we will talk later." and he pulled her out of the shadowed and terrible room. She began to move towards the door but he held onto her chain.

"Estella?" he said, "you do understand that you are going to be mother to my family? You will protect us like you protected me." and he got on his knees and put his arms around her waist and rested his head on her stomach. She placed her hand on his head and he closed his eyes.

"You will die screaming." she thought.


	11. Chapter 11

**So there is quite a lot of violence in this chapter. No sexy times (booooo) but lots of gore etc. Please let me know what you think if you can, always appreciated.**

Essie was taken back to the room. The chain was looped through and bolted down. No one spoke to her and no one touched her. She would have tried to escape but now she had other plans that would take some time. She was going to need to stand before the gates of hell before this was over and she wasn't sure she would come back. She'd been there before and returned but she didn't think she'd be that lucky again.

She didn't bother testing the chain again, it was thick and solid. Instead she began to look at the bolt on the floor. She knelt on the floorboards and felt around the looped anchor the chain was threaded through, solid. But it was only secured in a wooden floor. Granted, the floorboards were thick enough to be mistaken for railway sleepers in the dim light, but wood was easier to get through that steel and iron. She found a knot in the wood next to the bolt but it didn't seem rotten. This was going to take some time.

She looked around the room, she was pretty sure she wasn't being watched but she went as far into the shadows as the chain would allow and removed the stolen glass from her back pocket. She silently thanked whichever deity might still be around that her jeans had large and baggy pockets; the glass had not broken and stabbed her in the arse. She set it down and threw one of the many rags over it; she'd need it later.

She returned to the bolt and knot, she wrapped the chain around her hand began to work the knot as quietly as possible. The shadows changed as the sun moved round.

_Rick looked up at the sky and said, "It'll be getting dark soon. How much further could they have gotten?"_

_"__Trails go all over. A big group." said Daryl from his crouched position on the ground._

_"__Should we split up?"_

_"__Nah, stay together, we don't know what's out there." Daryl pointed due west, "this way." The others followed him without questioning; he had not stopped since they had got into the woods, he'd set a punishing pace but the others kept up. Nobody spoke unless they had to._

_Suddenly Daryl put up his hand and the group stopped. A twig snapped and everyone raised their weapons. Nothing. They waited. _

_"__Put down your weapons. Slowly." shouted a voice. The group looked quickly looked around. Nothing._

_"__Put your weapons down or you will die." _

_"__Not happening." shouted Abraham and then recoiled as he was hit in the side. The others all reacted as they were hit in various places. Abraham pulled the tranquiliser dart out and looked confused before he hit the ground. Daryl wrenched the dart out of his leg and raised his bow but his vision was blurring. He saw a figure coming towards him._

_"__She chose you?" said a light voice, "Disappointing." and then Daryl blacked out._

Essie had managed to push the knot of wood through the floorboard. She smiled without humor, she was good at finding weakness. Now she had something the work with; she poked her finger through and pulled but it didn't budge. She needed to make the hole bigger to get her hand in; she set to work picking apart the slightly splintered wood. The sun continued to move round.

_Carol lifted her head and a wave of nausea rolled over her. She tried to lift her hand but it was zip tied behind her back and there was tape over her mouth. The smell was appalling. Something was round her neck. Her vision cleared and she saw Maggie opposite her, eyes huge and terrified, she gave her head a tiny shake and Carol didn't move. One of the dead was attached to other end of the steel bar round Maggie's neck. It had no eyes and its throat had been cut, there was no noise from it, but it was moving its head this way and that, it could smell the fresh flesh. Carol turned her head to see all the others still unconscious or in a similar state to her. They were in a small, dark room, stood up around the wall, but they were alive; for now._

Essie wiped the blood from her torn fingers on her jeans again and continued picking at the wood. The pain had gone, her hands were numb. She had managed to splinter and tear a fist-sized hole in the plank but it still wasn't near enough to the bolt. She heard footsteps and the bolt was thrown back. She quickly placed her foot over the hole and put her head down. Another man unlocked the chain and indicated for her to follow him. She waited until he had turned away before she started moving.

She was taken to Luka's room again; the table was still there and he was seated, eating.

"Estella, it is good to see you. I apologise for being absent for so long."

"You know, I hadn't even noticed. I guess your company is just not that scintillating." She had decided to see how far she could push him. His smile did not reach his eyes.

"I want to ask you about the painting. Who painted you?" he asked.

"Oh fuck you really are stupid. That's my mother, you moronic philistine. It's not me. Jesus, have you even looked at it? The eyes are a different colour, she is thinner than I ever will be and her hair is lighter. That's right, you've based this whole situation on a mistake." He stood up and grabbed her hair, yanking it back and exposing her throat.

"You need to be very careful Estella." he hissed in her ear, his lips nearly touching her. She laughed in his face and he hit he, hard. She spat out blood and sat up again.

"That's the best you can do?" she said, spitting more blood. He walked to the other side of the table and sat down again, staring at her.

"Bring her in." he called and the door opened behind him. Rosita was dragged in, her mouth taped shut, and the steel collar with a walker attached around her neck. Essie, very deliberately, did not react.

"I have your friends." he said, watching her carefully.

"No, you have people that I know, they are not my friends." Essie said evenly.

"So you would not feel anything if I let the walker bite this lovely young woman?"

"I'd probably feel a bit sick, I'm not good with the whole people being eaten thing that is so in fashion these days." Essie said.

Luka stared at her and saw nothing in her eyes.

"You would abandon the people who took you and your brother in? The people who sheltered you, fed you, cared for you when you were ill?" he was incredulous.

"You are going to kill them anyway, this just means that she will go sooner. I'm not sure what you expected of me. I presume you wanted me to fall at your feet and beg you to let them go, that I would do anything you said if you freed them. Then you would kill them and make me watch and we would be back at square one. I'm cutting out a few steps." and she smiled at him; he narrowed his eyes. Bingo! That was his tell, she knew she was getting to him.

"Take her away." and Rosita was dragged out. Essie tried desperately to communicate to her that she would get her out; she wasn't sure if the message had got through. They'd just have to trust her.

"So, you are willing to let people die for you?" Luka asked.

"Of course I am. We all are when the right thing is at stake. I am never going to play this game. So, you can kill me now or kill me later, I really don't care. But I swear to God if I have to have another conversation with you I will kill myself." again, his eyes narrowed.

"I had hoped this could be done the easy way." he sighed and knocked on the table 3 times. 3 men carrying a thick, leather belt and knotted rope walked in.

"There is never an easy way." she said almost to herself.

One put his arm over her throat and pressed down as the other uncuffed her hands and zip tied them around the back of the chair. The other taped her ankles to the chair. They carefully moved the table and Luka moved his chair further away.

_Rick was fully conscious now. Every time one of them moved, the walkers turned to where the noise was coming from. Slowly, Rick searched his clothes; all his weapons, even the concealed ones, had been taken. His eyes met Daryl's, "Weapons?" he mouthed and Daryl shook his head. They heard a crash from the outside the room and the walkers all turned towards it, nearly pulling Glen and Michonne off their feet._

_Rosita clicked her fingers to get the other's attention, "Essie." she mouthed. There was another crash and the sound of a belt being snapped followed by a muffled cry. Rick saw Daryl start to struggle so he stamped his boot and shook his head. He could hear Daryl breathing hard but at least he had stopped moving._

They righted Essie's chair and she jerked her head to get her hair out of her eyes. They'd used their fists first, blows to her ribs. Then the one with the belt had used it on her back, buckle end. She didn't scream, she didn't cry and she certainly didn't beg. If he was focused on her, he was leaving Rick and the others alone. If they were even still alive; she had to believe they were. She'd only cried out when her chair had fallen over and landed on her now bleeding side.

"Are you ready to be more reasonable now?" asked Luka impassively.

Essie spit out more blood, "Fuck you. I can last all day, not sure about these boys. They look like pussies to me." and the beatings began again. She wasn't sure how long it lasted; it could have been minutes, it could have been hours. She did what she had always done and put herself somewhere other.

When she was a child the other place was the beach she had been to with her mother once, in Cornwall; long miles of golden sand, sea almost too bright to look at, screaming gulls, fish and chips, running until they were too breathless to go any further. Now the other place was the front room in Rick's house, watching Lawrence win at poker. Maggie and Glen stealing sly touches, Rosita and Abraham bickering, Carl playing with Judith, Tara laughing at Eugene, Carol always planning, Michonne reading a book, Rick watching over everyone and then Daryl lighting 2 cigarettes on the porch and passing one to her.

Someone held a cup to her lips and water poured down her throat, making her cough.

"I have to say I am impressed. I have seen brave men break after 10 minutes." Luka said, walking back to his seat.

"Brave men are nothing compared to a woman." she gasped.

"You are right of course. Women can survive childbirth, it really is a miracle. Happily you will not have to go through that; you have a ready made family right here. When you are ready, you will become mother to all my brothers."

"I…" she stopped as her cracked ribs sent a wave of pain through her, "I have to ask, what's with the W's carved into the forehead?"

"Oh you noticed that. Just my little cover I suppose. We came across a group in the mountains; I believe you have met them. They call themselves Wolves; the W's are their calling card. I wanted to keep my family secret so we appropriated their signature for a while."

"Fantastic." Essie wheezed out a laugh, "that's 2 groups of insane murderers right on the doorstep. It never rains but it pours." Luka leapt out of his seat and dug his hand into her wounded shoulder, she gritted her teeth as the white hot agony lanced through her.

"They are nothing like us. They are animals. We will deal with them in time." he hissed and released her shoulder. She began to breathe again.

_Michonne clicked her fingers and indicated to her boot, "Blade." she mouthed and Rick closed his eyes in relief; they had missed one knife when they'd searched them. He indicated that Michone should raise her leg and Glen could just reach it if he stretched. His fingers just about connected with the laces but Michonne lost her balance, the walkers immediately turned towards the noise and Maggie was nearly dragged within biting distance of the walker attached to Daryl. He jerked back in time but it was too close. Whatever they did would have to be very slow and very quiet._

"I really don't want to have to keep doing this. It is tiresome and makes you very unattractive." Luka was cleaning his fingernails with the end of a knife.

"I fucking knew it." said Essie, "You spout all this bullshit about motherhood and protection but all you are really thinking about is your dick. Fuck's sake, I thought this was your insanity at least. But it turns out this is all one massive ploy to get yourself laid. So predictable. So unoriginal." This time he did not hit her, her plunged the knife into her upper arm and twisted it, this time she did scream, long and loud, it was almost a relief to let it out.

Glen had almost got the boot undone when they heard her scream. Carol saw Daryl's head snap back and his eyes close with the effort of not moving. The walkers all moved as one towards the sound and Glen just managed to keep his hold on the boot. He twisted round and managed to turn the boot upside down and a small pocket knife dropped neatly into Rosita's cable tied hands. She flipped it round and managed to open the blade, she cut the cables and quickly dispatched the walker she was attached to. She killed the other walkers with difficulty as she was now dragging a dead weight by her neck and then released the others' hands. Now all they had to do was get the collars off.

Essie was breathing hard and blood was gushing down her arm. "Get her out of my sight." said Luka and the other men reattached her chain and dragged her out between them.

They threw her on the floor and secured the chain then left. She lay on the floor, her body wracked with pain, everywhere hurt. She heaved herself upright and began kicking the hole she had made earlier.

Finally, enough of the wood had splintered for her to try. She wrapped the chain around her hand, walked as far away as she could, leaned back and heaved with all her strength. It didn't budge. Her ribs burned with pain and her arm pumped more blood out of the stab wound. She didn't stop, she leaned back even further and finally she felt the wood around the anchor start to give. She took another step back and pulled even harder. With a crack the bolt came loose and she was thrown backwards, hitting the wall behind her making the pain more excruciating but she was freer that she had been. Now to put the next part of the plan into action.

She uncovered the glass she had stolen earlier and, as quietly as she could, smashed it. She took the largest shard and wrapped a rag around the end. It was crude and wouldn't last long but she didn't need it to. She balanced the bolt back in the hole and lay down next to it and then began screaming as loudly as she could. It didn't take long for the bolt to be slid back and Peg Leg came in, his face swollen with untidy black stiches holding it together.

"Shut the fuck up!" he said but she didn't stop. He bent down to turn her over and, like lightening, she wrapped the freed chain around his neck and choked the life out of him before he could make a sound. He twitched like a caught fish, jerking his legs and desperately scrabbled at the chain, scoring his neck with his nails but it was no good, he turned purple. When Essie was satisfied he was dead, she unwrapped the chain and went through his pockets. She found the key and unlocked the cuffs but he had no weapons on him. Holding the rag-wrapped shard of glass tightly, she opened the door and saw the hallway was empty. She looked back at Peg Leg's body, she hoped he wouldn't turn too soon and then she ran silently down the hallway.

_The only way to open the collars was to use the knife as a very inefficient screwdriver. It was a very slow process and they didn't know how long they had. Rosita worked on Rick first, the knife slipped a couple of times, nearly skewering him in the neck. The screw was nearly out when they heard the first howl of pain, she began to work quicker and then the door opened._

Essie slipped silently down the hallway and turned right. A man came out of a door to her right and was momentarily too shocked at the sight of her to shout out. A moment was all she needed, she sliced open his throat with the glass shard, making sure it was deep enough to cut his vocal chords. He dropped to the ground trying to hold his throat closed and she watched, emotionless, as he choked on the great gouts of blood that spurted from the arterial vein. He stopped moving and she checked the body for a weapon. She found a hunting knife attached to his belt. She moved down the hallway towards the concrete steps, unaware of the still warm blood of the dead man covering her.

She climbed the steps with the knife in her hand. Another man emerged from a hallway and she took him down the same way, the syrupy blood coating her hands. She wiped them on her jeans, took his machete and continued.

Essie got to the door and rested her head against it. She heard shouts coming from behind her; the bodies had been discovered quicker than she had anticipated. She didn't risk going into the room so darted further down the hallway. She heard the thumps of people running so she pushed open the first door she could find and found herself in a small courtyard. There were high fenced pens full of walkers, some with their eyes gouged out, others with their throats cut, and the rest were in tact. There were no humans about so she quickly crossed the yard and pushed open a set of double doors.

The warehouse was lined with cages that might once have been used to transport animals, now it was full of people. They were all gagged and their terrified eyes followed her. The cages were locked but they were flimsy. She forced the knife into the first padlock and wrenched it off. She ripped the tape off the woman's mouth.

"Please don't hurt me." she whimpered. Essie couldn't understand why the woman was so frightened of her. She didn't know that she looked like a demon, covered in fresh blood, revenge written on her face.

"I'm not going to hurt you." she pulled the woman out of the cage and handed her the knife, "Free the others and get out." The woman took the knife and nodded.

"He…he has a room…behind the painting…he thinks it's secure…he uses it to…he took me in there…he…he…" The woman couldn't finish, Essie just nodded.

"I will make him scream." she said and cupped the woman's face, "I WILL make him scream." The woman nodded and started to open the other cages.

Essie ran back through the courtyard. She opened the door and 4 men span round. She kept moving, before they could raise their guns she killed the first one, using his body as a shield when the bullets began to fly, she took down the other 3 and moved on. She went through, down the hallway, seemingly oblivious to the shouts, the screams, the men and the blood. She was like a machine; she destroyed anyone who got in her way. A door opened and the man lifted his machine gun, before his finger reached the trigger she had taken his hand off and opened his chest. Behind him she saw barrels of gasoline; she walked in and kicked one of them over. She backed out of the room with the gasoline flooding behind her, she rifled through the dead man's pockets found a pistol, a packet of cigarettes and a box of matches. A door banged behind her and she raised the pistol, firing a bullet into the man's forehead. She turned back to the room, pulled a cigarette out, lit it and took a very long drag; she then placed the cigarette on the dry part of the floor and closed the door. It wouldn't be long.

She opened another door and found the armory. Her stomach tightened as she saw a katana sword and a bow leaning against the wall. She moved on.

She got to the door that led through to the room with the painting. She walked through and saw her blood still pooled on the floor, she wedged the chair under the handle. She heard a noise from behind a door. Wrenching it open with her machete in her hand, she raised it and then saw her family.

"Essie!" Carol shouted. She looked at the scene before her. Each of them was still attached to a walker. Carol looked at her, covered in gore, some of it her own. This was the Essie she thought she would see but had hoped she never would. This wasn't just a survivor, this was a warrior; a living embodiment of what it meant to fight back.

"I've got a key." Essie said and got the key she'd pocketed from Peg Leg. She slipped into the bolt of Rick's collar and felt it click open. Rick tore the collar off.

"Where is everybody?" Maggie asked as Essie worked to release the rest, "We heard…a fight and then nothing. Rosita said it was you."

Essie unlocked Rosita's collar, "It was me. Rosita…I'm sorry." she said to Rosita who squeezed her hand. Essie handed her the key so she could free the rest, she couldn't go near Daryl yet.

"What happened?" asked Rick scouting the rest of the room.

"I got out and now I'm going to kill everyone." Essie said as everyone left the small room.

"Fuckin' A. You look like you been in a fight with a bear." said Abraham, "How'd you get out?"

"That's a story for when we have more time. I don't know how many are left but any moment they are going to come through that door. They're armed, automatic weapons. If you go out, turn right. The first door on the right is the armory." She handed Rick the pistol. The building was rocked by an explosion that sent them sprawling on the floor.

"What the fuck was that?" coughed Abraham as the scrambled to their feet.

"Me." said Essie simply, "there will be a fire burning further down the hall. I should move now."

"You're coming with us?" said Michonne.

"I'm right behind you. There's another room behind this one with prisoners linked to walkers, get them out." Essie said and Rick nodded pulling the chair from the door and he ducked into the smoke filled hall.

Essie turned to go through to the room with the painting when she felt a hand grip her wrist. Daryl held her arm out and wrapped a piece of cloth around her stab wound that was still bleeding, he tied it and she leant her forehead against his. Neither said a word. She took out another cigarette and then tucked the rest of the packet into his top pocket. He followed Rick out and she pushed open the door that led to the painting and the room beyond.


	12. Chapter 12

**So I've come to the end of the story. Lots of violent description in this chapter. As always, thank you so much for reading this. Let me know what you think.**

She ran through the room lined with people and walkers. Without knowing how much time she had, she quickly killed the walkers and cut through their ties. She ripped off the gag of the nearest prisoner. "I don't have a key!"

"Thank you." he gasped.

"You're on your own but there are people out there who will come and help you."

"Go." he said and began to struggle with the collar, she hesitated, "Go!" he shouted.

She paused in front of the painting only for a moment, she knew this would be the last time she saw it.

Behind the painting, covered by a threadbare sheet, was a door. She tested the handle but it was locked tight; she had nothing to pick the lock with and no time to find anything. She kicked it but it was reinforced from the other side, she slid down the front and put her head on her knees; that was it, she'd be dead before he'd come out, she'd lost.

Suddenly the door opened and she was dragged through. Luka put his boot on her neck and slammed the door, locking it again. He then swallowed the key, Essie couldn't believe it, he swallowed the fucking key. He grabbed the front of her vest and pulled her up.

"You fucking bitch! You fucking murderous bitch." and he began to choke her. She clawed at his hands around her neck but he was strong in his rage; she was stronger. She kicked him in the stomach and he recoiled back, releasing her. He ran to a chest of drawers and scrabbled to open it. She gripped her machete and moved towards him but before she got to him, he aimed a revolver at her and fired.

_Rick and the others ran down the corridor, the fire was burning out of control and spreading fast. 2 men came down the other way but Rick used the last of the pistol's bullets. Michonne kicked open the door to the armory and they grabbed what they needed, she was gratified to see her sword and Daryl grabbed his bow. They heard shouts and the sound of lots of people coming from all directions, some were trying to put out the fire, others were searching for Essie. Rick looked at each of the others and nodded. They burst out of the armory and the real battle began._

The impact of the bullet made Essie fall back. She put her hand to her waist and looked at it coated with blood. The pain was terrible and filled her whole body but she was used to pain, she could control pain, she could use pain. She straightened up and advanced on Luka. He fired again but nothing happened, he fired again and again but the barrel was empty.

"You had one shot and you blew it." she said. He dropped the gun and scrabbled in the drawer again but she was behind him like an avenging angel. She raised the machete and embedded it in his thigh, he dropped to the ground where he lay screaming.

_They were fighting from all directions. There seemed to be an endless supply of men coming at them. They fought their way down and through the double doors into the pen-lined courtyard. Rick, Michonne and Tara were fighting hand to hand; Carol, Abraham and Maggie were taking out the shooters up on the roof that was belching out smoke, flames were already licking up through the smashed out windows. Rick looked over to see Daryl fighting to get back into the building but there were too many of them._

_"__Glen! Daryl needs help!" he shouted. More of the men came out from the side of the building, they were being stretched too thin._

_"__Fall back!" he shouted and they regrouped and ran into the warehouse behind them, they barred the door but it wouldn't hold for long._

She knelt down beside him as he screamed and put her fingers on his lips.

"Ssshhh, no one can hear you. No one is coming, it's you and me." he stopped screaming and stared at her.

"All my life, people have tried to control me, punish me for things that were not my fault, change me. None of them succeeded. Do you know why?" he looked like he was about to pass out so she grabbed his thigh and squeezed, he screamed again.

"I said do you know why?" and he shook his head.

"Because nobody really knew who I was."

"I'll kill you, you bitch!" he mumbled through bleeding lips, she laughed.

"My aunt tried that when I was thirteen. She locked me in a cellar and sent everyone away. She was going to wait until I died of thirst. Every morning and night for 3 days, she would come to the door and tell me how I was going to hell and it was what I deserved. She didn't know that I'd been in hell for the past 5 years and I'd survived. So I waited and I waited, all the time searching for a way out. There was a sealed up coal chute and I clawed and dug until I was able to open the hatch. Can you imagine Luka, a thirteen year old girl surviving that? But I didn't stop there. I climbed out and it was night, I remember it was a half moon. Half in shadow and half in light just like me. I could have run, I could have got to the town and told someone, asked someone for help but I knew I had to help myself. I went back into that house where I had been beaten, starved, burned and I locked the room she was in. I piled papers and books around the door whilst she hammered and shouted to let her out and then I threw a lighted match at the pile and watched it burn. I stayed in that burning building until I couldn't hear her screams anymore. I stayed and listened to her die! And that was when I was thirteen. Imagine what vengeance I will wreak on you and yours now."

Luka had almost stopped breathing as he listened, her eyes never leaving his. He had thought she would have broken easily, he knew he could break her; he'd never doubted it, until he looked into her eyes. Now he truly understood what he had unleashed when he had taken her. The Woman after The Rapture was not a weak woman to be used however the world chose; she was The Survivor. She was the Judgement.

_"__I'm nearly out!" shouted Tara._

_"__Me too." shouted Maggie._

_Rick looked around; there was nothing he could do. The door began to give way and Daryl and the others jammed themselves against it but it wasn't going to last. Suddenly they heard automatic weapon fire and the door stopped moving. They unbarred it and ran out. The prisoners Essie had freed were firing into the men, fighting them hand to hand. Rick's group joined them; they now had a chance._

"For a while, I thought I had found a safe place. I fucked up a few times of course. But there were some people there, you met them, you tried to use them. They made me part of their family even after they knew what I was. I'm sure you know all of this but what you don't know is that you died the moment you put them in danger. You killed my brother and sealed your fate but I think I also have to thank you." His eyes widened with surprise.

"Yes, you heard. I have to thank you because you cut the last of my ties to my past when you ripped a hole in his chest. The death of the brother I truly loved set me free. There is a man who lives in the town; a man who I could have loved forever; he always reminds me of Pablo Neruda's poetry. The very real and instinctive way that he lives and loves gave me hope for a while. He's a good man. He's not like you or I, he's a good man and he would have killed you if I couldn't. Neruda wrote 'But the hour of vengeance falls and I love you.' So now that hour has come."

Luka's head lolled onto his chest so Essie slapped him but he didn't move. She moved closer to check he was still alive. Suddenly he grabbed her arms and shoved her down, banging her head on the concrete floor. He dragged himself until he was leaning over her, pinning her arms to the ground. He began to slam her into the ground again and again. Neither of them noticed the smoke that had begun to seep under the door.

"I'm going to kill you." he shouted as he punched her. She stretched her arms and grabbed his injured thigh, digging her fingers into the open wound. He screamed and rolled over, kicking out at her. She felt his boot connect with her side where the bullet hole was bleeding and the pain nearly ripped her apart but she didn't stop. She grabbed the machete and swung herself over him, kneeling on his chest as he continued to scream.

"You killed my brother, you nearly killed my family and now you've killed me but you know what? You'll die first." and she raised her machete.

"No! Please! No!" screamed Luka but she brought the machete down and he stopped screaming, forever.

_With the reinforcements the battle was over quickly. Most of the men were dead but some had scattered._

_"__This way out." shouted one of the prisoners and ran through the warehouse doors._

_Rick and the others went to follow but Carol looked back to see Daryl running back into the building that was fast becoming an inferno._

_"__She's in the room behind the painting!" the prisoner shouted and Daryl nodded and opened the doors._

_"__Go with the others!" Rick shouted to Carol and followed Daryl._

_They were immediately blinded by the thick, choking smoke and the heat was almost unbearable. They stepped over the bodies, shielding themselves from the flames as best they could. They burst through the door and were nearly beaten back by the flames but managed to get through to the room behind. The flames were less fierce but they didn't have long. _

Essie grasped her side and leant against the floor trying to stay conscious. She had one last job to do. She picked up the machete that dripped with his blood and sliced him open; she pushed her hands inside and found the key. She pulled her hands out of the man that had nearly killed her and wiped away the carnage. She stepped over him but stopped.

"I don't want you coming back." she said and plunged the machete into his skull. She unlocked the door and pulled it open.

_Rick and Daryl were nearly at the other end of the room when the building gave a great groan. Just in time Rick pulled Daryl back as the ceiling caved in blocking their way with a huge pile of burning wood and rubble. _

_"__We've got to go! I'm sorry." shouted Rick but Daryl wasn't moving._

_"__Come on!" he yelled, pulling him. Daryl tried to shake him off but Rick wasn't going to leave him. He half carried, half dragged him away. As they reached the door Daryl saw, through the flames, a huge painting, seemingly untouched. It was Essie but at the same time it wasn't. As the flames began to scorch and blister the canvas, he saw the face char until it was as black as the sky behind but then Rick pulled him away._

_As they reached the tree line they heard a huge explosion and saw the building collapse in on itself. Daryl fell to the ground, his head in his hands. Carol ran over and cradled him in her arms for a long time._

They made it back to Alexandria, bringing the surviving prisoners with them. Deanna opened the gate and many of the townspeople ran out to meet them. Reg pushed his way through the crowd and grabbed Rick's arm.

"Essie?" he asked.

"She'd gone." Rick answered, exhaustion palpably written on his face. Jessie put her hand over her mouth and began to sob.

"Is the town safe?" Deanna asked.

"Yeah it's safe." he replied, "She saved it."

2 days later, Abraham hammered a wooden cross into the ground. Essie and Lawrence's names were carved into it. The whole town had gathered in the makeshift graveyard. Eric had read a Dylan Thomas poem and now they were all to go back to Deanna's house for a wake.

Jessie walked out onto the porch and found Carol sitting on the swing, looking out over the town.

"She would have hated this." she said sitting down. Carol smiled but said nothing.

"I'm going to miss her." Jessie said as her eyes filled with tears.

"We all are." Carol said impassively.

"Will he be ok?" asked Jessie, wiping her face.

"No." said Carol and looked over to behind the church.

Daryl sat on the flat roof and pulled the last cigarette out of the packet. He lit it and took a deep drag. The wind disturbed the red and gold of the leaves in the trees. He stared into the distance. Faintly, so faintly, carried on the breeze, was the sound of an old Nina Simone song playing far away.


	13. Epilogue

I'm being watched. I know I am because the hairs on the back of my neck won't settle.

I can't get up, I can't fight, I can't breathe. I'm bleeding out.

I look up at the trees; they are red and gold, like they are on fire.

I hear footsteps crunching over the forest floor but I can't move.

That Dark Angel is calling me, I can hear her, very soft and very low.

The wind whispers through the leaves, making them shiver and tremor.

I hope they are all safe.

I think I made the world a little more unfucked.

I wish I had more time.

Someone is kneeling by my side. Nothing matters now anyway.

The red and gold begins to fade.

Briefly I remember I've got a cigarette in my pocket. What a waste.

A hand reaches out to check my pulse.

Death bows her head and weeps.

The hand is under my head and another goes under my back and I'm being carried through the forest.

It's all too late. Too late.

The red and gold are gone.

_"In this part of the story I am the one who_

_dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,_

_because I love you, Love, in fire and in blood."_

_Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets_

**I suppose I should say "stay tuned". I don't think this story's done yet. As always, thanks for reading and please let me know what you think, if you can.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Yeah, ummmmmmmmmmm, so I genuinely thought that I would write the story and kill Essie off and then carry on about my day. It hasn't really worked out like that.**

**Then I thought i would wait a good long while before posting this next part but that didn't work out so well either. I was going to make this another story and post it under a new title and I'm still thinking about that; but for now I'm just going to keep adding to this one even though it ruins the epilogue. I haven't even the vaguest idea where this one will end up but I'm going to give it a go. The time frame of series 5 has been extended. Anyway I'll see what happens with this next bit.**

**As always, thanks for reading this and please (please for the love of God) let me know what you think, especially as I'm properly lost at sea with this.**

When you hear the guns fire, don't listen.

I can hear someone moving about. I have no idea where I am. I could be dead; should be dead. But I'm not. That's strange.

I have been awake for a while; I'm not sure how long, time seems to have lost all meaning.

I wonder who it is.

"Are you thirsty?" asks a voice. It's a man's voice but I don't recognise it. I decide it will be best if I keep quiet.

"I'll leave the bottle by your hand. You can get it whenever you want." and then he is quiet again.

I try to piece together what has happened. I remember seeing myself burn, but it wasn't me. It was a painting from a long time ago, before I was born.

I remember the sky falling in.

I remember…I remember the blood. Their blood, his blood, my blood.

I remember the Great and Terrible Essie. I let out a laugh and feel my side explode with pain. I try to find where the pain is coming from.

"No. No." a hand gently moves mine away, "You need to leave it alone or you'll rip the stiches again."

Ok, I'm fine with that.

I remember the look in his eyes as he held me upright and on my feet.

I remember the feeling of his hands on my skin.

I remember.

I hear the whisper of a Joni Mitchell song on the wind but then it's gone and so am I, for now.

This is definitely the worst day since yesterday. He's got to change the dressings again. He nimbly cuts through the bandage and then peels back the gauze. It's still sticking to the wound, which means it's still infected.

"I'm going to have cut more of the dead flesh away. I'm sorry." I nod and close my eyes.

I'm back in Alexandria. The room is warm with a glow that only comes from people who are, for now, safe and happy. They are my friends, they are my family. I feel the scalpel cut into the ravaged flesh but I don't cry out. That would attract walkers and we are a little busy at the moment. It becomes too much and I go away for a while.

It's morning. I can hear the birds and I can definitely smell food. I sit up and for the first time I don't feel the electric ice of the wound.

"You want some of this?" he asks, holding out a cup of oatmeal and a spoon.

"Do you know, I think I do." I answer, taking the food.

"Good." he says, "that's good."

I shovel the food into my mouth and look over at the man who saved my life. He is an odd one. He's a survivor but he's also very generous. He told me the story of how he found one night when my fever caused me to scream out that I was being burned alive.

He was looking for someone, he hasn't told me who, and he saw the fire from the warehouse. When he got there, the building had already collapsed but he saw me lying on the ground. He thought I was a dead, mutilated animal and was about to walk away when I whispered a name, Eugene Cernan. He knew who that was. He checked my pulse and then carried me.

Apparently I stopped breathing twice before he found a safe place to begin his work. I laughed when he said he'd been about to stab me in the head when I suddenly started breathing again. He dug out the bullet lodged in my side, he sewed up the stab wound in my shoulder and tended to all the other injuries I had.

The knife wound had become infected, badly infected. He told me he was surprised that was the only one that did. He'd had to cut away the infection 3 times and used all of his iodine supply. At one point my fever reached 106 degrees. Again, he thought I was going to die but I didn't.

I've been with him for about 3 weeks. We haven't travelled very far. I'm not all that steady on my feet yet.

I like him. He's very zen. I think he's seen a lot. I think he's lost a lot; but in this day and age, who hasn't?

He knows my name but I don't know his. That's fine by me, I don't mind. He's never asked me what happened and I haven't volunteered any information. I still haven't quite processed it all yet.

"What are you going to do?" he asks suddenly, out of the blue, "It's not that I don't like your company but you don't seem like you're going to be staying too much longer."

"I haven't decided yet." I answer, it's the truth.

"Do you have somewhere to go?" he asks, concentrating on his food. I like that about him too, he never pushes he just waits for you to come to him.

"I'm not sure. There was a place but…I'm not sure."

"Ok." he says and waits.

"There…there were some people that I met. They made me part of their family. They came for me when they didn't have to. They were my friends."

"Friends are important." he says.

"I don't know if I can go back." I say and set the empty oatmeal cup down by my foot, "I…I think I might have left myself back at the warehouse. They might not like this me coming back."

"Who did you leave back there?" and then he points at the oatmeal cup, "Do you want some more?" I nod and pass him the cup.

"I think she was broken. She didn't know how to do very much else but fight against everything and everyone. She was lost. But they gave her hope that she might be found."

"And now?" he asks, handing me the full cup, "Who are you now?"

"I'm not sure." I reply.

"So these people who took a broken, angry and dangerous person in, this person who you say you left behind in that warehouse, might not accept this new person who isn't as angry and broken? Seems to me that if you went back to them, they might treat this new person like they did the old person."

"That's too many times to say 'person' in one sentence." I say and he laughs.

"Actually," I say finishing the second cup of oatmeal and setting it down with a defiant clang on the rock I am sitting on, "I'm me. I've always been me. I'll always be angry and impetuous and funny and brave and strong. I haven't changed because I don't need to change." and he nods and smiles at me like my teachers did when I had finally got the answer right.

I heave the bag onto my uninjured shoulder. It contains water, a little food and a piece of cloth that had been wrapped around my arm when he found me. I've washed the blood out of it and kept it safe.

He's also given me a hunting knife. He says he doesn't need it, he has a rifle and an aiki-jo that I've seen him use many times to break walkers' skulls.

"You take care." he says.

"I hope you find who you are looking for." I call back to him as he walks away.

"I will." he answers and then he is gone, hidden in the trees.

I look up to see where the sun is and head west.

_Carol met Michonne outside the church and they walked back to the house together._

_"__Deanna asked me to box up her things. We need the space for the people who have decided to stay." Carol said._

_"__Did you do it?" Michonne asked._

_"__She didn't have much. It didn't take me long."_

_"__What have you done with it?" _

_"__I put the box under the kitchen sink. He won't find it there." Carol sighed._

_"__How is he?" Michonne knew Carol was the only one who might have an answer to that question._

_"__He's who he is. He won't talk about it. He won't talk about her. He needs to work it out in his own time. I'm not going to push it."_

_They walked the rest of the way in silence._

_Daryl brushed some fallen leaves from the wooden cross. He'd only just returned from a solo hunt that had kept him away for 3 days. He'd gone to the graveyard before anywhere else. He straightened up when he heard someone coming and turned to see Reg crossing the grass._

_"__Sorry." Reg said, "I didn't think anyone else would be here." Daryl didn't say anything and went to walk away._

_"__I wanted to put some flowers on her grave but I couldn't find any still in bloom." Reg said quickly and Daryl stopped walking away but didn't say anything either so he kept talking._

_"__I'm not sure if she'd even like flowers. She might think it was too sentimental. God, I miss her. We used to eat lunch together sometimes, when she was working with Deanna. She could make me cry with laughter; do you know she once told me a story about how she got caught smoking in the girls' bathroom at her school and tried to escape through the window but ended up losing her skirt on the hook. The whole school was out on the field for a sporting event and saw everything. I hadn't laughed so much in a long time."_

_Daryl was frozen to the spot; torn between the pain that someone knew something about her that he didn't and desperate to hear more. Reg seemed to sense this and carried on._

_"__And she could eat. Boy could she eat. Aidan would rage about the lack of food after she had been working. She once ate an entire pot of leftover spaghetti in an afternoon and still managed 2 meatloaf sandwiches. I miss her." he said again. Daryl felt his throat tighten and his fingers flickered._

_"__Snapdragons." he rasped, "snapdragons are out at this time of year." and he walked away leaving Reg by the graveside._

Essie had walked for most of the day but it was slow going. She wasn't as strong as she had been and she was tired, so tired. She stopped in a clearing and built a small fire. She boiled the water and made up the soup packet. It was getting colder; she warmed her hands on the mug and shuffled deeper into the coat he had given her.

Her clothes were hanging off her, they'd have been too big before but she'd lost weight because of the fever. He'd found some in an abandoned car after he explained that he'd had to cut her own clothes off her and had ended up burning them. She missed her jeans, they were worn to a soft and comfortable shape around her. Luckily he had kept her boots. These clothes weren't hers, they didn't feel right. She hoped they'd kept her clothes back in Alexandria. She hoped a lot of things had stayed in Alexandria.

She calculated that she had about 20 miles to go. 3 days if the weather held. 3 days to work out what she was going to say. She pulled the cigarette out of her pocket and looked at it. He'd saved it from her pocket before burning her jeans. It had a faint bloodstain by the filter but other than that it was fine. It was unbroken, just like her. She resisted the urge to light it and carefully put it back.

_Daryl was smoking on the porch, alone. It was late and he thought the others were asleep. Rick opened the door and quietly and joined him._

_"__I'm sorry." he said, Daryl didn't look at him._

_"__I had to pull you out of there. The whole building was gonna collapse. I'm sorry."_

_Daryl turned to look at him, "I know." he said and they stood in silence listening to the night sounds._

Essie checked the sun's position again. She was making good time; her shoulder was hurting but not too much. She stopped to get the water bottle out of her bag and heard a familiar moan. She turned to see 2 walkers approaching. She grabbed the hunting knife and took them out without much effort at all. She wiped the blade on the grass and picked up her bag.

"Still got it." she thought and smiled.

_He was in Aaron's garage, cleaning the air filter and stripping the twin carburettor, cleaning them carefully with paraffin. He was tightening the jubilee clips before putting the seat back over the air filter when the screwdriver slipped and sliced his palm._

_"__Shit." he said and sucked the cut as the blood began to flow. Slowly he took his hand away from his mouth and squeezed it, making it bleed even more. The pain felt like a release so he pressed it harder. His blood dripped onto the concrete floor._

She now reckoned she was only about 9 miles away from the town. She'd made a camp for the night in woods that were becoming more familiar to her. She took the cigarette out again.

"I'm going to be home tomorrow."

**"****Smoke it then."**

"But what if I don't find another one?"

**"****What if you do?"**

"What if it's not the same?"

**"****What if it's better?"**

"Hope for the best but expect the worst?"

**"****How about you just hope for the best?"**

"Maybe."

**"****Night Essie."**

"Night Lawrence."

She lit the cigarette and breathed in deeply.

_Tara was on gate duty. She hated gate duty, it was boring, nothing ever came down the road except walkers. She was trying to work out how long she had left before someone came to relieve her. She looked up to see a figure walking down the highway. They were too far away to make out so she looked down the scope of her rifle._

_"__Holy shit!" she said and ran to find someone, anyone._

Essie's stomach had been tight all day. She had gone even slower than usual. What would she say to them? How would they react? Would they be angry that she'd put them all in danger? She saw the walls loom up over the horizon but she kept on walking.

_Carol and Maggie were coming out from the pantry area when Tara nearly ran into them._

_"__She's back!" she shouted breathlessly and ran back the way she had come._

_"__Who?" shouted Maggie and Tara skidded to a halt._

_"__She's walking down the road. Come on!"_

_"__Who?" Carol repeated._

_"__Essie!" said Tara and ran. Maggie and Carol followed her, picking up speed. They sped past their house._

_"__What's happening?" shouted Carl._

_"__Essie's back." yelled Maggie and kept running. Glen heard the noise and came out._

_"__What's going on?" he asked Carl who was racing down the steps._

_"__Essie's at the gates!"_

_"__What?...Shit!" and he burst back into the house to tell the others._

_Carol stopped running just before the gate and turned around._

_"__Where are you going?" asked Maggie as Tara began to unlock the gate._

_"__I've got to go and tell him." she shouted back._

Essie had made it past the barn, past the burnt out car. She started to pick up speed, then she started to jog and before she knew it she was running as fast as the prairie winds. Home was in sight.

_By the time Tara had got the gate open, Rick, Michonne, Rosita, Abraham and Carl had joined them. She heaved the gate and saw Essie was running towards them. She stopped a little way outside the gate and dropped her bag. They were there. They hadn't gone. They weren't part of a dream. They were real and they were in front of her._

Abraham got to her first and picked her up, swinging her round and yelling. Then Michonne and Maggie were hugging her and yelling. Rosita was there, and Carl still clutching the comic he had been reading. They were all firing questions at her and hugging her. She was carried through the gates on a wave of relief.

She saw Deanna and Reg come out of their house, Aaron and Eric began running to meet her. But she didn't care, she couldn't see him. The sea of faces all wanted a piece of her but she couldn't do anything until she was sure.

Jessie enveloped her in a hug, crying and telling her how much she had missed her.

The she saw Carol come out of Aaron's house followed by Daryl. Essie disentangled herself from Jessie and began to walk towards them. She couldn't run, she couldn't trust her legs to carry her. He stopped dead. Staring at her. She walked past Carol and stood in front of him, she had no words.

He reached up and touched her hair, then her face. His hands moved down her arms and lifted up her hands, examining them. She didn't know what to do, it was like he didn't believe she was really there. He put both hands to her face.

"It's you." he said.

"It's me." she said.

There didn't need to be anything else.


	15. Chapter 15

**So here's chapter 2, still trying to work out where this is going and stupid work keeps getting in the way. As usual, thank you for reading and please review if you can.**

_When you hear the guns fire, don't listen_

"Well this is unsettling." Essie said shifting uncomfortably, looking at her own name, as she and Rick stood in front of the grave. He watched her as she knelt down and traced the letters of Lawrence's name. Then she stood up and brushed the dirt of her knees

"Abraham will get rid of your name."

"I think I would prefer that." she said and then gripped her side, he ducked his head to look at her.

"You ok?"

"Yeah, the gunshot's healed but it's still tender."

He'd wanted to wait, she'd only been back a short while, she hadn't even spoken with Deanna yet but he couldn't.

"What happened? How'd you get out? I saw that building collapse."

"Where do you want me to start?"

"What happened after you got us out?"

So she told him the whole story. She spoke whilst looking at the grave; she knew how close she had come.

"Who was this man who took care of you?" Rick asked.

"I don't know. He never told me his name; he was looking for someone but that's all I know."

"You spent nearly a month with him and you didn't ask him his name?" Rick asked.

"No. I didn't need to. I asked him once if he wanted to come back here with me but he said he had other places to go." she smiled, "you know, I think I might see him again."

"You hoping for the best there?" Rick asked with wry smile.

Essie raised her eyebrows, "Maybe." but then she felt the ground slip from under her and she fell against Rick.

"Whoah, you ok there?" he said grabbing her shoulders to stop her from going right over. She yelled in pain and Rick instantly let her go. She fell onto her shoulder and that was enough to make her yell again.

"What happened?" asked Michonne, seeing Rick supporting Essie as they made their way slowly down the street towards Pete.

"I'm fine. I'm fine." Essie said breathlessly.

"You've been back about 5 minutes and you're already causing a fuss." said Michonne.

"I just wanted to show everyone that I haven't changed." she said as they made their way slowly up the steps. Jessie opened the door.

"Oh my God, what happened?" she cried, helping her through the door.

"Nothing. I'm ok. It's just I haven't eaten much recently and I was pretty banged up and…" she didn't get to finish as she slumped against Rick.

"You should have seen me straight away." said Pete severely as he took her blood pressure.

"I had other things to do first." Essie said sullenly.

"Your injuries are extensive and this shoulder wound looks like a butcher's been at it. How many times did you have to cut out the infection?"

"3" answered Essie, shortly. She knew he was doing his job but she could hardly bear to be near him.

"This is going to take a long time to fully heal. I'm going to have to look at the gunshot and anything else you have hidden away." and he went over to his bag. She was stripping off her jumper and trousers when Jessie walked in and gasped.

"Jesus Christ!" she said and put her hand to her mouth. Essie caught sight of herself for the first time in a while and was equally shocked at what she saw; the new scars were a deep purple and stood out against the white of her skin; she was so thin, her hip bones stood out like a shark's fin; bruises were still healing and painted her skin yellow and blue in places.

"Bloody hell, I look like a Picasso painting." she said.

"I'm so sorry." said Jessie, still shocked at what she was seeing.

"Lay down." said Pete. Essie struggled onto the couch and reluctantly let him examine her. When he had finally finished, she gratefully got dressed.

"The reason you fainted is because you have low blood pressure, you need to eat little and often for a while. The injuries are healing, if you can believe that, but you are going to have to take it very easy for a while." Essie winced at the word 'fainting'; she didn't faint, she wasn't in a Jane Austen novel.

"Are you listening to me?" Pete asked aggressively and she nodded, her hands curling into fists involuntarily.

"If you don't do as I say you won't fully recover."

"You're such a tool." Essie thought but agreed to follow his advice. There was a knock at the door and Carol walked in, smiling sweetly.

"I've come to take her home. Can she leave?" she said.

"Do what I have told you to." he said and Essie thanked him through gritted teeth.

She walked slowly down the steps, holding onto Carol's arm.

"Rick told me what happened." she said, "How are you dealing with it?"

"I've dealt with it. I killed him. I nearly died but I didn't. It's as simple as that." Essie said and Carol believed her.

"I can't wait to get home." she said.

"Well you see Cookie, there's a problem with that. Your house isn't yours anymore. The space was needed for the new people so…it's their house now."

"What? You think I'm dead for 3 weeks and you give away my home? That's just offensive." Essie was only half joking, "Where I am going to stay? I'm not staying with Mrs. Neudermyer! No way! She thinks I'm the devil." and Carol laughed.

"Oh Cookie, you're staying with us." she shook her head at Essie's stupidity.

"No! No, no, no. I'm not good with being surrounded by people and your houses are pretty full. You've got Judith and Carl…and…and no spare bedrooms. No way!" For the first time ever, Carol saw she was scared.

"You haven't got a choice. You're staying until we can work something else out."

"I should have stayed in the woods." Essie grumbled but followed Carol up the porch steps.

Essie sat at the kitchen counter and dug into the food that had been put in front of her. Judith watched her owlishly from her high chair as Carol prepared more for Essie to eat.

"You try living off soup for 2 weeks kid and see how long your table manners last." she said and Judith smiled gummily at her.

"Hey Lazarus!" said Abraham, coming in and slapping her on the back, making her choke.

"Funny." she said.

"Hey, I tell it like I see it." he said.

"So you're staying with us?" said Michonne with an evil smile, "I can't wait. We'll give each other make overs and braid each other's hair."

"I hate it here already." said Essie to Judith who gurgled.

When she had eaten her fill and then some, Maggie showed her to her room at the top of the house.

"It's not quite finished but there's furniture and a bed. The bathroom's just down the stairs. You ok?"

"This is paradise." said Essie.

"No I mean, are you ok? I…I know what it's like to lose someone like you did." and Maggie looked away.

"I'm fine. You're fine. We're lucky. I'm good I promise." Essie reached out and put her hand on Maggie's arm.

"Ok. See you later?"

"You're not going to try and braid my hair are you?" asked Essie with a smile and Maggie laughed and closed the door behind her.

She was testing the bed when there was a knock at the door and Carl poked his head round the door.

"Hey." said Essie, surprised to see him.

"Hey." he said, slightly embarrassed, "I've brought you this." and held out a small stereo and a stack of CDs.

"Thank you." she said, genuinely touched.

"Lawrence always talked about the music you two liked so I found some of the ones he mentioned. I thought you might like it."

She felt a huge lump in her throat, "I didn't know you and Lawrence talked much."

"Yeah. He was teaching me how to play poker."

"Thank you." she said again and, before she could say anything else, he ducked out of the room.

She plugged the stereo in, still marvelling that she could do this, and flicked through the stack of CDs, selected an old favourite and put it into the machine. She was just about to press play when there was yet another knock at the door.

"This is why I prefer living on my own." she said to the empty room and opened it. Carol passed her a box and walked back down the stairs. She sliced it with her knife and opened it. It was her stuff! Her clothes, a book, Lawrence's clothes; she held his jumper to her face and breathed in. She finally felt like she was home properly.

As Otis Redding began to sing about tenderness, she pulled off the oversized jumper and baggy trousers and carefully tugged a clean T shirt over her head and unpacked her few but very precious possessions.

Daryl was prowling around the garage like a tiger. He couldn't settle to anything. All he wanted to do was be with her but she had been swamped with people and had been pulled away. Then she and Rick had gone to the graveside. He understood that Rick needed her to explain what had happened but he didn't have to like it. He'd gone to work on the bike just to keep himself occupied but it wasn't working. He didn't know what to do. Should he go and try and speak to her? What the fuck would he say? Did she even want him anymore? He'd abandoned her. He'd not found her, someone else had. Someone else had saved her life. It should have been him.

He threw the spanner onto the bench and walked out.

Essie was about to have a shower. It was all she had been thinking about since she'd got back. She struggled to pull the band out of her hair, her shoulder was killing her. She finally managed it and shook her head, relishing the feeling of release. The house was pleasantly busy with the sounds of voices filtering up the stairs; she heard footsteps and inwardly groaned, no more visitors, please.

But this time there was no knock. Daryl walked in and she froze. She had no idea what to say, what could she say? After their first meeting she hadn't seen him and just assumed that things had changed, he'd changed. She'd pushed the feelings way down. But now here he was, in front of her, pacing up and down, not saying anything. She watched him from where she sat on the edge of the bed.

She was sitting there, right there and he couldn't think of a damn thing to say. Not one damn thing. She stood up and he saw some of the bruises and the fresh scars that laced her skin.

On the stereo, Wilson Pickett preached about love and it was too much. He was about turn to leave when she took a step forward, took his hand and placed it on her cheek. He was breathing fast. She put her forehead against his and closed her eyes, leaning into him. His other hand moved, almost without realising, to the nape of her neck and he closed his eyes, breathing her in. She pulled away and began removing her t shirt but she was struggling. He gently lifted the shirt over her head and she stood in front of him. He tenderly explored her skin with his fingertips, stroking the delicate, new flesh, tracing her bones. She shivered.

"I'm cold." she whispered and threw back the covers on the bed. He stripped off his clothes and joined her. She stretched out beside him, trying to get as much contact as possible; he wrapped his arms around her, warming her with his body heat. She put an arm over his chest and sighed with contentment.

Nothing else happened that first night. She slept safely and soundly and he watched over her until the sun came up again.


	16. Chapter 16

**Thanks for reading as always, still trying to settle the characters back into the story. I went to see Mad Max tonight and I can't recommend it highly enough. I'm sick to death of female characters being written as weak or stupid or secondary which is one of the reasons I like The Walking Dead so much – shout out to Carol. But Charlize Theron's character in Mad Max is practically perfect! Go see it if you can – awesome!**

When you hear the guns fire, don't listen.

Essie woke up and for a moment couldn't remember where she was and then smiled and put her hands over her face out of embarrassment about her happiness. As always it was coloured with everything else but right at that moment, stretched out on a proper bed, in a safe house, she was happy. She was also alone but she didn't mind that, she preferred it. Judging by the sun it was about 11 o'clock in the morning and she was hungry; but first she needed a shower, she really needed a shower.

It wasn't as good as the one she'd had when she'd had first arrived but it was pretty close. She had difficulty reaching up to wash her hair but eventually she felt totally clean. She wrapped a towel round her and made a mental note to bring her clothes in with her next time and ran back up the stairs. It was a while before she was fully dressed; everything seemed to take double the amount of time because of her injuries and general limitations. Her clothes were loose, she had to put another notch in her belt way before the others to get her trousers to stay up but she was so grateful to be wearing her own clothes again.

In the kitchen she found cereal, powdered milk, powdered eggs and made herself breakfast. She was careful to put everything back the way she'd found it so she didn't annoy everybody. She ploughed her way through the food and washed her dishes. And then she stood in the kitchen not really knowing what to do with herself. Nobody was about; they were all busy with their various responsibilities. She didn't feel like making conversation with anyone from the town; she was finally on her own. She knew exactly what she wanted to do.

"How did she seem?" asked Deanna.

"She seemed good apart from the knife wound, gun shot, broken ribs, burns and bruises." Rick answered sarcastically.

"She didn't seem traumatised or like she was going to break down at all?"

"No, Deanna, she didn't." he said firmly.

"I'll need to speak to her of course."

"Of course."

"But you're going to leave it a couple of days aren't you?" said a voice from the corner of the room, Reg looked at Deanna over the top of his glasses.

"But I will leave it for a couple of days unless something happens." Deanna said, narrowing her eyes at her husband and then smiling slightly.

"Keep an eye on her." she said to Rick who nodded.

"How's she settling in with you?" she asked.

"She's been back less than 24 hours." Rick was getting frustrated but Deanna gave him a hard stare, "she seems fine." he finished.

"Good." said Deanna, "that's good."

Essie couldn't haul herself up onto the roof. She tried but didn't have the strength in her arms. She'd get about halfway and then drop back down.

"Do you need a boost?" asked a voice behind her. She turned to see a man of about her age whom she didn't recognise.

"Who are you?" she asked bluntly, hand immediately going to the knife at her belt.

"I'm Rhys. I was one of the people from the warehouse. I don't think we've met before…Oh shit you're her!" his eyes went wide with recognition and shock. Essie didn't know what to say.

"Shit, you're the one that released us. Jesus! They said you'd died when the place blew up! Shit! Thank you. Thank you!" and grabbed her hand and shook it vigorously. Essie tried to pull away.

"It's fine. Anybody would have done the same." she mumbled.

"You were like an avenging angel. Jesus! I couldn't work out if you were real or not!" He was still holding her hand so she yanked it away.

"If you ever need anything, anything at all, just ask! Oh my God, wait until I tell the others you're alive!" he said.

Oh no, she wasn't having any of that. She wanted to recuperate quietly and then see what happened. She most certainly didn't want any of that kind of notice. She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Listen mate, if you draw any attention to me I will kick you so hard in the balls that you'll wish you'd been born a woman. Do you understand?" she said and Rhys looked shocked.

"Nod if you understand." she said and he nodded.

"Good. Now if you do that then you and I will be friends. So, can you give me a boost please?" He cupped his hands and squatted down, she put her had on his shoulder and with a bit of effort shuffled herself onto the roof. She leant over the wall and saw Rhys was still staring at her.

"It was good to meet you Rhys and remember what I said." and then disappeared. Rhys smiled and shook his head; she was certainly a very interesting woman.

The sun was shining and it was cold but she sat down on the roof and watched the woods for a while. She rootled about in her bag, found her book and settled back to read in peace and quiet.

It was getting dark by the time she thought about getting back. She packed up her bag and walked over to the edge of the roof. She dropped her bag over the side and then sat on the edge, feet dangling over; she braced herself but nearly shouted as pain knifed through her shoulder. None of the different positions she tried were any better.

"How the fuck am I supposed to get down?" she thought, it was just that little bit too far down to drop and she couldn't lower herself down, "bollocks!" she said out loud.

People were coming back to the house after their day, food was dished up and they sat around the table as they did at every opportunity.

"Where's Essie?" asked Carl, they looked at each other.

"She wasn't in her room when I knocked earlier." said Glen.

"I haven't seen her all day." volunteered Michonne.

"Where's Daryl?" asked Maggie, trying to be subtle.

"Nah, he's hunting." said Abraham with his mouth full.

"She'll come back when she's hungry." said Carol.

"Like a cat." Carl looked surprised when people laughed.

Gabriel was in the building that served as the church. He avoided the others like the proverbial plague. He was leafing through the bible placed carefully on the lectern when he heard a noise from the roof of the next building. He cautiously looked out of the door; it was the woman who had come back from the dead, the strange one, what was she doing on the roof?

Essie was pacing up and down trying to keep warm, she hadn't seen anybody walk close enough by for her to attract their attention and she wasn't going to call out, this was just embarrassing. She noticed the door to the church open.

"Hey." she called as quietly as she could, "Hey, can you help me down please?" Gabriel walked over and looked up at her.

"What are you doing up there?" he asked.

"Writing a symphony called 'help me get the fuck down'." he winced at her use of bad language.

"Please." she modified her language, "please can you help me get down? My shoulder hurts too much to do it myself." He hesitated and then nodded. She shuffled right to the edge of the roof and he reached up. Between them and without much grace, she was finally down.

"Thank you." Essie said, straightening her shirt.

"What's it like?" he asked suddenly.

"What's what like?" she said bending down to get her bag.

"To die and come back." he said without looking at her. Essie was shocked that someone would or could phrase a question like that.

"I heard what happened to you." Gabriel continued, "They said you died and you were brought back. Do you think God has a plan for you?"

Essie looked at the man in front of her, he wore his dog collar and shirt like a costume and one that did not sit well. He hadn't really spoken to her before this and she had never paid him much attention. But now she saw that he was in a greater amount of pain than she had ever been and that made him dangerous, like an animal caught in a trap.

"Don't you believe that your God has a plan for all of us?" she replied.

"I thought I believed that but I'm not so sure," he said almost as if he was talking to himself.

"Perhaps it's best to remember what Solomon said 'this too shall pass,'" she said cautiously.

"Perhaps it is." he said, still as if he was on his own and then he walked back to the church. Essie shook her head and walked back home, her own words ringing in her ears.

She opened the back door and walked through, she was surprised to see everyone at the table.

"We saved you some." said Rosita and uncovered a plate of food. Essie sat between Abraham and Michonne and began to eat; slightly uncomfortable at the cosy scene she was part of.

"Where've you been?" Rick asked as lightly as he could.

"Out." she said shortly.

"Where?" he repeated a little more sternly.

"Out." she repeated with more emphasis.

"Did you leave the town?" he asked harshly.

"And if I did, what would you do about it? I'm 32, you can't ground me." she replied, concentrating on her food.

"Did you go out of the town?" he repeated and Carl put down his fork; he knew that look in his father's face, this was going to be bad.

Essie put her own fork down carefully and stared at him.

"Jesus Christ Essie, you've only just got back and you're already going out? The doctor said you were to take it easy and I'm sure as hell not risking anybody's life to drag your ass out of the forest." Rick was frustrated and getting angry.

Essie actually felt her ears go back and her shoulder hunch.

"I never asked for your help the last time. In fact I remember trying to leave before things got worse. You're the one who asked me to stay. And I sure as shit didn't ask you come and rescue me. If you are going to try this, you're in for one hell of a fight because I am not going to be dictated to by you or anybody else." she had stood up and so had Rick.

"Nobody is saying…" Maggie tried to calm things down but Essie talked over her.

"I am grateful that you came, I really am, but I can handle my own life."

"Like you handled Luka? Because that was going really well right up to the point where he nearly killed you! Or how about the time you walked straight at a loaded weapon? Or the time you decided to attack Deanna's son?" Rick was getting so angry, Carl pushed his chair away from him.

"I didn't hear you complaining when I was taking a beating to give you a chance to escape!"

"We were only there because of you!"

"I didn't ask you to come and get me!" she shouted back.

"You didn't give us a choice!" he shouted. Carol watched as the scene unfolded, she knew it would happen eventually but she hadn't expected it so soon. Rick and Essie were like two sides of the same coin and they would realise this eventually but there was going to be a lot of choppy water and compromise before that happened.

"So I'm going to ask you again, where were you?" Rick gave her a hard stare that she returned without blinking.

"Out." she said very deliberately. Rick turned sharply away and put his hands on his head.

"We have very specific rules that have kept us alive; if you live here, you're going to have to learn them." he said, still with his back to her.

"Oh no! Tell me you did not just give the 'you live under roof, you abide by my rules' speech." Essie put her hands on her hips and Carol had to turn a laugh into a cough very quickly.

'What?" said Rick, genuinely confused for a moment.

"Oh my God, you did! You just did! Like I'm some teenager. Well listen pal, because I am going to say this once; I live by my rules not yours."

"Yours are going to get you killed." Rick shouted back at her.

"Then so be it. That's my problem."

"No." said Rick softly, "It's our problem. You're part of this family now so your problems are our problems."

Essie opened her mouth and then closed it again. She'd heard Maggie say it before but somehow it was more real when Rick said it.

"I got stuck on the roof." she said flatly and all Rick could do was stare at her open mouthed, the others were also silent.

"What?" Rick asked eventually, not sure he'd heard right.

'I got stuck on the roof behind the church. I'd gone up there to get some peace and quiet and then…I couldn't get down so I had to wait until someone came by to help."

Rick stared at her and then broke down laughing, as did everyone else around the table.

"Now you're all just being rude." she said grumpily and sat back down to finish her food.

She helped Carl and Glen clean up. She carefully dried the plates and stacked them neatly in the cupboard, she wiped the surfaces down and washed out the cloth. She listened to Glen and Carl argue the merits of Superman and Spiderman. She felt like she couldn't breathe, she was trapped in this house, in this town; she was glad she was back, glad that she was home but this was too much for her; it was like the past months had never happened. Her chest felt tight as if her ribs had broken again, the house was too hot, too many people filling it up. She stacked the last plate and almost ran to the front door, yanked it open and leaned on the balustrade, breathing in the cold, night air. She swallowed great gulps of it like it was water and leant her head on her arms.

"Too much for you?" rasped a familiar voice. She nodded, unable to get enough breath to speak.

"Come on." and Daryl put his hands around her waist and helped her upright. He dumped his bow and waited for her. She followed him, not knowing where they were going and not really caring.

He walked away from the house towards the central garden. There was no one about; they could have been the only ones in the town. He walked past the gardens and up into the unfinished section and stopped outside a house with only the lower half completed, the upper rooms had no wall, it looked like an open doll's house. They climbed up and sat with their feet dangling over the edge of the unfinished floor. Essie took a deep breath and slowly released it.

"Have you got a…?" she said, turning to him but he'd already lit two cigarettes and passed one to her.

"I fear the day when there are no more of these to be had." she said, breathing out a plume of smoke. He laughed and she felt her stomach jump slightly; she didn't think she would ever get over the fact that she could make him do that.

They sat in silence as the smoke disappear into the grey night. He watched her out of the corner of his eye. Her skin was washed a pale silver and her hair was the colour of a banked fire. But more than the way she looked was the way she made him feel, like anything was possible. If she could survive what she had, even before all of this, and come out the other side with herself still intact, then so could he.

He'd often felt like he was only half done. He thought back to when he had left with his brother after they had got out of Woodbury. He'd left partly because he didn't think he had deserved to stay with Rick and the others. He'd gone back eventually, of course he had, but he knew that would never happen now. He was fully formed and it had only taken the end of the world to make him start to realise that. But there was something still gnawing at him.

"I'm sorry." he said, breaking the silence.

"For what?" she said.

"I'm sorry I didn't come back for you; that I didn't get you out of there."

"But you did come for me. You were there in that room. Listen, I chose to go there. I chose to face them. It was my choice. It was a stupid choice, granted, but it was mine to make. It could have gone the other way and I could have got you all killed. I could have died in that chair…" he visibly recoiled at the memory of the sound of her getting beaten whilst he could do nothing, she put her hand over his, "I could have died in the fight, I could have died in the fire, I could have died in the explosion and I could have died in the woods but so could you and I didn't die. This world is such that sometimes you get the bear, but sometimes the bear gets you. This time I got the bear but there will come a time when the bear gets me. The only thing I can do…we can all do…is the right thing at the right time." She ducked her head to look him in the eye.

"Do you understand what I'm saying?" she asked and he nodded.

"If that does happen I'm gonna kill that fucking bear." he said and she laughed, a throaty laugh that echoed in the darkness but then grabbed her side.

"You ok?" he asked quickly.

"Mmm hmm" she nodded but didn't let go of her side, "please don't make me laugh, it hurts."

"I'll cut the comedy." he said and gently moved her hand away and lifted up her shirt. The gunshot wound was still raw under the newly formed scar tissue, the torn flesh looked like a spider's web.

"Another one to add to the collection." she said looking down at it and sighing.

"Each one tells a story." he said, still looking at her.

"True." she nodded, "maybe I'll write it all down one day."

"That'd be a hell of a story." he said.

"No one would believe it anyway."

She shifted slightly and shoved her hair out of her face; he was close enough to feel it tickle his bare shoulder.

"You wanna get back?" he asked.

"No, I'm good." she answered and smiled at him.

"You know this reminds me of my student days, sitting up here. If we just had a bottle of cheap, red wine and someone playing a guitar it'd be like no time had passed."

He felt his stomach twist; he had no experience, no understanding of so many aspects of her life before. He couldn't return with any memories of his own, she wouldn't want to hear them.

"But I never felt like I was really a part of the crowd I was with. They were all from nice, middle class families with comfy homes and ponies called Fidget and the like and then there was me. The illegitimate daughter of an artist and his model who died of an overdose, brought up in squats and shabby communes then up in Scotland. I used to listen to them moaning about how their parents wouldn't let them smoke in their room or gave them curfews when they went home and sometimes I just wanted to scream at them."

He suddenly leaned over and kissed her hard, she responded, locking her hands behind his head and drawing him in. They finally pulled apart and they were both breathing hard.

"Let's go back." she said and dragged him up. They walked quickly away from the house and then began to run.


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks for reading as always. I hate work, it's definitely getting in the way. Please let me know what you think if you can.**

When you hear the guns fire, don't listen.

"Hey Essie, Can I run this idea by you before you go to bed?" asked Maggie as Essie tried, very subtly, to sneak in the back door. She looked through to the living room where Rick had waylaid Daryl coming through the front door. He caught her eye and they both shrugged.

"Ummmm, yeah sure. How can I help?" she answered quickly.

"What do you think about maybe talking to some of the people who've decided to stay from the warehouse? I mean, they wouldn't be here if it weren't for you and some of them are pretty traumatised and…well I thought they might feel…better…knowing you were here." Maggie finished, watching Essie closely.

"I am the last person you want doing that!" Essie replied and Maggie's eyes went huge with disbelief so she hastily added, "not that it's not a sensible idea but…look…the only thing I could tell them is how stupid they were. There were, what, 15 people in the warehouse, probably more? And not one of them thought to fight back, to organise an escape?

"But they were scared, they were in cages." Maggie said.

"You're right. But so were all of you and you would have escaped. I was on my own and I managed to take out a good number of them with a piece of glass. Are you telling me that they couldn't have worked together? I'm glad they're here and all that but you don't want me talking to them, believe me."

"Not everybody is as strong as you, as us." Maggie said, not looking at her.

"And that's why there are people who have retained their compassion in a hard world; people like you. You are stronger than me because you can still be compassionate. People like you will make sure this world doesn't fall apart completely. But there are also people like me. You talk to them."

Maggie watched Essie walk away and up the stairs; she couldn't believe that someone could be so hard yet she understood it. She looked at Glen who felt her stare and smiled at her.

Essie shut the door and locked it behind her. She leaned against it and breathed out slowly. She wasn't sure she could do this. She had gone from having nothing to having everything to losing Lawrence to finding a veritable paradise to nearly dying only to be reborn again. She thought back to the conversation she'd had with Father Gabriel. He'd asked her what it was like to die and come back; if she could have, she would now answer that it was overpowering; it had overpowered her memories, her sense of who she was. She stared at herself in the mirror over the table, she barely recognised herself and not just because of the injuries. She was reminded of the Roethke poem 'I knew a woman lovely in her bones'. Except she didn't feel lovely in her bones, she didn't know how she felt.

Not given to a huge amount of introspection, Essie was confused. So much had happened in such a short time, not least the end of the world. Now she had time to think, she realised she didn't know what to think about. To run was her natural and instinctive reaction, that's what she'd always done. When things had got too comfortable, too safe, she'd run. She'd run to America when England had become too cosy and anodyne. She'd run from the groups she and Lawrence had joined when they had become too close. She'd tried to run from Lawrence once she trusted the people in Alexandria. Fuck's sake she'd run from Daryl after that first night.

Her feet itched to run again. She could barely eat dinner with the people she lived with without running away.

**"****You thinking about running again?"**

"Maybe."

**"****Are you stupid?"**

"What? No I'm not!"

**"****Oh, so you're giving in to self-pity?"**

"No!"

**"****So why are you standing in front a mirror looking like a condemned man?"**

"I...I'm scared."

**"****Well stop it."**

"When did you get so assertive?"

**"****When I died. Night Essie."**

"Night Lawrence."

Essie woke up early enough to be the first one in the bathroom. She didn't remember to bring her clothes and so had an awkward meeting with Abraham but went downstairs and ate breakfast with those who had the time. Michonne stared at her over the rim of her cup.

"You look better this morning." she said, Essie returned her stare.

"Thanks, I think."

"You're still going to take it easy today though."

"Of course." Essie looking away, guiltily. She had thought about going into the forest just to see what was about.

"Good, you can look after Judith today then." said Carol.

"Hey, what? No. No. Absolutely not!" Essie went into full panic mode.

"I can't, I'm busy today. So is everyone else. You're the only one left." Carol said firmly.

"No way. I've never looked after a baby in my whole life. I held one once and it cried. I can't. I'll do your job today and you can look after her." Essie was practically begging. Rick walked in.

"Essie's looking after Judith today." said Carol to him. He grabbed a mug, "Ok." he said and shrugged on his jacket and walked out. Carol picked Judith up from her chair and dumped her in Essie's arms.

"Her food is in the fridge, if she needs changing check the bag by the table. I'll be back later."

"Changing? What? Michonne, you look after Judith and I'll do whatever you do? For the next week!" Essie tried to look especially pathetic.

"Nope. You couldn't do what I do for half an hour. See you later." Michonne was laughing as she walked out the door.

"Rosita! Ah Rosita! You remember when I saved your life? Well here's how you can pay me back!"

"No way, you're on your own." Rosita put her hands up and also left laughing. Suddenly the house was silent, empty and terrifying. Judith stared up at Essie with a questioning look on her face. Essie jiggled her up and down because she'd seen someone do that on tv once.

"So, Judith. Nice to meet you. What do you do for fun around here?"

Judith sighed as if knowing it was going to be an interesting day.

Now they were both bored. Essie had cleaned up the breakfast things, changed Judith which was a whole new level of horror for her. They'd played with some of the toys people had scrounged for her for what seemed like eternity. Judith had napped and Essie had watched her the whole time just in case she'd rolled out of her high sided cot or something, Essie then fed her and now they were both wide awake. Judith began to grizzle and it soon became a full on cry. Essie was at a loss. Should she go and get someone?

"Oh Jesus Mary, this is like a scene out of Three Men and a Baby but there's only one of me." she said despairingly to the empty room

Totally at a loss, Essie put Judith in her chair, ran up the stairs two at a time and raced back down with her stereo and all the CDs she could grab. She picked one at random and pressed play.

Etta James' voice cut through Judith's crying. She stopped and looked puzzled and then began to smile. Essie picked her up and, tentatively at first, began to sway to the music. They made it to the end of the song without anymore crying from either of them but then, in the silence, Judith began to screw up her face. Essie quickly skipped to the next song and Etta and Harvey Fuqua began to duet about not having someone, Essie began to sway again. By the end of the fourth song Essie's good arm was going numb but she daren't do anything but keep going.

After exhausting Etta she moved onto Gladys Knight, which seemed to have the same effect. She took Judith into the kitchen, put her in her chair and then got the stereo and began to unselfconsciously sing about the midnight train to Georgia with Judith smiling along with her. And this was what Carol, Rick, Maggie and Carl came back to find.

Rick leant against the doorframe, Maggie put her hand over her mouth in shock and Carol simply smiled. Essie didn't notice at first but then Carl walked through to the kitchen.

"Cool dancing." he said grabbing a glass of water and going through to the living room.

"See?" said Essie, pushing her hair out of her face, "I knew I'd be fine."

She was exhausted. She could barely keep her eyes open at the table. The conversation washed over her. Who knew looking after a baby could be so tiring?

"Deanna wants to see you tomorrow." said Rick.

"Mmmh hmmm." Essie said barely listening.

"You ok over there Lazarus?" Abraham asked, taking a mouthful of food.

"Mmmh hmm." she answered and yawned.

"She was looking after Judith today." said Carol to the table. Everyone stared and Glen's spoon dropped into his bowl.

"Essie?" asked Noah in the silence and Carol nodded.

"This one here?" said Abraham, pointing with his fork, "this one who blew up a building and survived being shot and stabbed?"

Carol nodded again.

"Hey, I'm sitting right here." Essie said grumpily.

"How'd it go?" asked Glen.

"Terrifying." said Essie.

After the food was finished, Essie collapsed on the sofa and put her head back. She felt herself drifting off.

Suddenly there was a shout from outside. They all rushed and Aidan came running down the road.

"A herd!" he yelled, "There's a herd coming and it's huge. It's going to break through the gate!"

Everyone was galvanised into immediate action. Essie ran to the armoury with the others.

"No! You stay here!." said Rick, "You're not fit yet."

"Like hell I'm not." she shouted back and he nodded.

She grabbed a rifle, a semi automatic and a machete and ran to the gate with the others. They could hear the moans and the stench of decay rolled over them.

"The gates are gonna come down if we don't thin the herd. Then we'll go through and finish them off." Rick shouted to the assembled crowd, "The automatic weapons are only to be used in short, controlled bursts to preserve ammunition, use knives and machetes where you can. Back row, you stay here and protect the town. Ready?"

Essie felt the world flatten and go silent, she gripped the machete and felt it become part of her, and all her pain and weakness was gone. She climbed the pegs in the wall struts and surveyed the scene below. The herd was huge and they were already pressing against the walls. She heard Rick give the signal and they began.

They fired round after round into the herd but the dead just kept coming and the more of them that piled up under the wall, the nearer they got. Walkers climbing over each other to get to the fresh meat.

"We need to lead them away!" Michonne screamed.

"We can't open the gates to get a car out!" yelled Aidan.

"Flares! Are there any flares?" Essie yelled.

"Yeah in the armoury." Aidan shouted back.

"Some of us are going to have to go over the wall and draw them away. You can get a car through and lead them away." she shouted.

"Glen, Michonne, Aidan, Noah! You come with me. The rest of you, keep firing." Rick shouted and ran towards the armoury.

"I'm coming too." Essie said, joining them.

"No!" Rick said.

"I know these woods as well as anyone. Anyway it was my idea."

She felt her shoulder pull as she hauled herself over the wall with the bag of flares. She sat on the top and threw a lit one as far as she could and saw the others do the same. There was a break in the sea of walkers below as they followed the light. She dropped down, landing heavily and feeling her side tear but she got to her feet and ran. She didn't see what happened to the others.

She made it to the other side of the herd and lit another flare and began screaming and shouting and waving her arm. Slowly the walkers began to shamble towards her and she moved away into the treeline, still shouting.

She made it about a hundred yards before a walker came at her from the right and she had drop the flare bag. She took it down but in the sharp orange glare she saw more walkers than she ever had before moving towards her.

Essie grabbed the bag and the machete and ran as fast as she could, all the time feeling the pain in her side growing. Her flare went out and she spent precious seconds lighting another one. She couldn't see the town anymore and there were no other flares darting about the woods; she wasn't even sure which way she was heading anymore.

"Please, please, let this have worked." she prayed but she didn't think anyone was listening.

They were either getting faster or she was slowing down. She took down 3 more and lit another flare and threw it to her left. She nearly screamed as her shoulder exploded with pain, her arm now hung uselessly at her side. She ran on with the flare like a comet tail fanning out behind her. All she could think about was getting them as far away from the town.

Her last flare slowly died and with it her night vision. She blinked desperately but it was no good, she might as well have been blind. She heard a moan close by, too close. She raised her machete. But then came another moan from the opposite direction. She turned and ran blindly.

Miraculously the clouds broke and the moon shone brightly, she could see again. What it illuminated was horrifying. There were walkers everywhere. In all directions they came, shambling and moaning, she couldn't see a way out and she had no idea where she was. She couldn't climb, she couldn't fight and she could barely run. This was it; all that fighting and surviving and cautious hope for nothing. She was going to die alone, in the woods, under the moon.

**"****Move!"**

"It's no use!"

**"****Move! You don't die like this!"**

"There's nowhere to go."

**"****Essie. Run!"**

So she ran; stumbling, tripping, and falling. But she ran until she couldn't.

She tripped over a root and scrabbled but couldn't get up in time. A walker fell to its knees and crawled towards her. She kicked out and managed to bury the machete in its head but before she could pull it out, another and then another walker fell over her. She rammed her arm under the neck but could do nothing else. She felt it pressing down, getting closer and closer. She wanted to close her eyes but did not and kept fighting. A third landed on top of her and she knew that was it.

Abruptly it stopped moving as the arrow pierced its brain. The heavy weight was hauled off her and she saw Daryl taking down the walkers. He held out his hand and she took it with her undamaged arm.

"You good?" he shouted and she nodded. Essie pulled the machete out of the walker's head and helped him take out the rest of the walkers nearby.

"Let's go." he said and, still gripping his hand, followed him deeper into the woods.

They came to an old hunting hide on scaffolding, made out of the cab of a truck. Daryl half hauled, half carried her up and shut the door. He put his finger to his lips and she tried to regulate her harsh and ragged breaths.

"How'd you know where I was?" she whispered, wiping the sweat off her face with her wrecked shirt.

"I will always track you down." he said, looking into her eyes.

"The town!" she whispered, "Is the town safe?" He nodded.

"The plan worked. They all made it back, no one got as far out as you." he rasped.

"And you came to find me?"

"Always."

She gasped as she tried to move her shoulder. He put his hand over her mouth and then gently moved her hand away. He pulled her shirt down and explored with the tips of his fingers.

"Dislocated."

"Put it back." she whispered.

"Gonna hurt."

"Do it." she said and he nodded. She stuffed her shirt into her mouth and braced herself. He gripped her arm and twisted up, he felt the tell tale crunch and pop and then felt Essie slump against him; he brushed her hair away from her face and held her until she stopped silently screaming.

Her breathing became les shallow and she struggled to sit up. He risked a quick look out of the hide's window.

"Still some out there." he whispered.

"Thank you."

"For what?" he ducked his head to look at her.

"For saving my life. I make that four times now."

He moved her hair away from her face again. She leant her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes. Safe.


	18. Chapter 18

**Hey, hey. I think I've worked out where this might be going. In between work and life and all the other boring things. As always, thanks for reading and please let me know what you think if you can.**

When you hear the guns fire, don't listen.

It was light when she opened her eyes. Her shoulder felt like it was on fire. Looking around, it took her a second to remember where she was. She felt Daryl shift in his sleep and turned to look at him. He had one arm flung over his face and the other resting over his chest, he looked comfortable and she didn't want to disturb him but her side and shoulder were killing her. As she twisted slightly he woke with a start and reached for his bow.

"No. It's ok. It's ok." she whispered, he breathed out and rubbed his eyes with his palms. Essie sat up and ran a hand through her hair, shaking it out. Daryl caught a handful and wound it through his fist.

"Hey." Essie whispered, "it's not nice to pull girls' hair." and Daryl gently tugged it. He sat up behind her and moved her hair away. He kissed her shoulder and then up to her neck. She closed her eyes and sighed, feeling the fire trailing in his wake. He turned her head and kissed her mouth, she grasped the back of his head pulling him in harder. He put his hand on the small of her back and pressed her down then slid his hand over her stomach, feeling how smooth her skin was. Not being able to help herself, Essie arched her back but then gasped as pain detonated in her shoulder and side.

"Shit, I'm sorry." he whispered, pulling back quickly.

"Fuck's sake!" she moaned, "we can't seem to catch a break." He helped her back up into a sitting position and began to examine her shoulder.

They heard the sound of an engine and immediately reached for their weapons. Silently, they waited, hearing it getting closer. It stopped right by the hide and they waited, barely breathing.

"Hey, anybody up there?" shouted Glen.

They both poked their heads through the window of the hide and Glen's face broke into a smile.

"Jesus, we've been looking for you since day break!" he shouted up.

"It's good to see you!" shouted back Essie and she opened the cab door.

"Hey Daryl! You comin'?" Glen shouted up, finally getting his own back.

With some help from Daryl and Glen, Essie managed to climb down and they all got into the car. On the way back to the town, Glen told them how the plan had worked and they'd been able to take out most of the herd once they could open the gates. Everyone had made it back to the town.

"You're about 5 miles from the town. I can't believe you got so far." Glen said, looking at her in the rear view mirror.

"Neither can I. I thought I was a goner."

Daryl didn't say anything but stared out of the window.

They pulled up to the gates, people were out clearing the bodies but that was the only sign of what had happened; the walls were still standing as strong as ever.

Essie knew she had to go and see the doctor but she really didn't want to. She sat on the chair as he prodded and poked her shoulder.

"I thought I told you to take care of this?"

"The situation demanded something different."

"If you don't start to do what I tell you, it will be permanently damaged and you won't heal. You've already got long-lasting tendon and muscle damage from the infection."

"Ok!" she snapped, "I'll look after it."

She walked out into the street and saw Aidan who ran over to her.

"I just wanted to say thanks." he said as Essie stared silently at him.

"And…I'm sorry about your brother. I really am."

Essie raised her eyebrows at him, still silent; he held out his hand to her. She looked down at it and then walked away; she hadn't changed that much.

She was heading back towards home, food and clean clothes when she saw Rhys coming the other way; there was no way to avoid him.

"I heard about what you did. That was…it was amazing!" he said, breathlessly. Essie gave him a look of distaste.

"I wasn't the only one who was involved." she said and walked away but he followed her.

"Yeah but you were the one who had the idea. Well that's what I heard." Essie stopped and rounded on him.

"One, don't believe everything you hear. Two, I didn't see you up on the wall helping to defend the town that took you in. And three, stop following me!" and she stared at him.

He ran his hand through his hair and laughed at her, which just made her angrier.

"Actually, I was with the first group that went out when we got the gates open."

"Oh." she said, the wind going out of her sails, "good. You should be helping." and then began to walk away but he still followed her.

"So I was wondering what your job was here. You know, when you're not saving everybody?" he said, keeping up with her.

"I work with Deanna." she said, wishing he would just go away.

"Oh right, like her assistant?"

"Yeah, like her assistant." Essie answered as witheringly as she could; she really wished he would go away.

"You don't like me very much, do you?" he asked, still smiling.

"No." she answered shortly and then saw his face fall and relented slightly, "It's not you, I don't like anyone very much."

"You know you should give us…me…a chance. You might get to like us." he said.

"I'll definitely think about it." Essie replied with her back to him as she walked up the steps.

"The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend." he called back to her.

"Aristotle is overrated." she answered and went inside.

"What did Rhys want?" Carol asked as Essie went to go upstairs.

"To be my friend. I politely declined." Essie answered.

"That's all he wanted?" Carol stared at her, Essie looked confused.

"What else would he want?" Essie was genuinely puzzled.

"I'm not sure."

"He quoted Aristotle which means he's either trying to impress with his intellect or is an absolute dick or both." and she walked up the stairs as Carol watched her.

She closed the door behind her and looked in the mirror. She looked like death warmed up, very pale and very dirty. She grabbed a towel and went down to the bathroom.

Peeling off her jeans and yet another wrecked shirt, rolling it down rather than trying to pull it over her head, she examined her shoulder. It was purpled and the scar was even more pronounced. She turned and examined her side and it looked a little better. There were some scratches and bruises from the woods but nothing worse. All in all, not too bad. She turned the shower on and stepped under it, feeling the water work its magic. She was never more grateful for finding Alexandria than when she stepped under a warm shower.

She sat on the edge of the bath and kicked at the pile of clothes. There was no way Essie was going to be able to resurrect them. AND she'd forgotten to bring fresh clothes. She wrapped the towel tightly around her, picked up the pile and made a dash for her room. She skidded slightly on the stairs but managed to get to her door without meeting anyone. She got inside and began to laugh. She was a grown woman who was more than capable yet she was embarrassed about being seen in only a towel.

With fresh underwear on, she crawled under the covers and slept, without dreaming or waking, for 16 straight hours.

Daryl looked up as Aaron opened the door to the garage.

"Hey" he said smiling, "I hear you found her again? Is she ok?"

"Yeah" Daryl answered and went back to his work. Aaron walked over to the other side of the bench and began to fiddle with the pistons and con rod assemblies neatly lined up on the work bench only to find the gudgeon pins were missing, the piston rolled onto the floor and under the bench. Daryl looked up and stared at him.

"Sorry" Aaron said hastily and scrabbled to pick it up; he tried to put it back together but only seemed to make things worse and finally just left it alone.

"Look, I know it's none of my business but she won't listen to anyone else. You need to tell her to be careful or she won't come back." Aaron didn't look at Daryl.

"What makes you think she'll listen to me?" he said, biting his bottom lip.

"Are you kidding? Ever since you picked her up off the forest floor, you're the only one who has had any kind of influence on her. She is the most stubborn person I have ever come across and she won't listen to anyone but she listens to you. If you were to tell her to stay here, to be more careful, she would." Aaron smiled at him unsure of how Daryl would react. Daryl wiped his hands on a rag, picked up one of the pistons and turned back to the bike.

"I ain't gonna tell her to do anything."

"But she's going to get herself killed, don't you care about that? God, don't you…" Aaron stopped himself before he went any further.

"I ain't gonna tell her to do anything." Daryl repeated very deliberately.

"I'm sorry. I just don't want her to get hurt again. I don't want see you hurting like you were when you thought she was dead." said Aaron, knowing this was very thin ice.

"I ain't gonna tell her to stop being who she is." Daryl said quietly and all Aaron could do was nod.

Gabriel sat in the church alone. He had a pen and paper in front of him as if writing a sermon but the only thing written was 'this too shall pass'. He underlined it once, then twice and then so hard the pen went through the paper.

Essie woke up to her fourth day back in Alexandria. She brushed her hair, put on clothes, brushed her teeth and went downstairs.

"I'm going to talk to Deanna today." she said as Rick fed Judith.

"Ok." he said.

"Is there anything I should know? Anything you know she might be thinking?"

"Nope." he said, still spooning apple sauce.

"Ok. I feel like I'm totally prepared now."

"You worried?" he finally turned to look at her.

"No but I'd rather not have a full on confrontation this early."

"Ok." he said again and turned back to Judith, Essie sighed and took her breakfast out onto the porch. She was poking the spoon about in the porridge when a shadow fell across her. She shaded her eyes and looked up.

"Morning Cookie." said Carol.

"Morning." Essie replied.

"So how you feeling?"

"Good. I slept like the dead and now I'm going to see Deanna."

"If you pull something like that again I will break your legs." Carol leant down and looked her in the eye.

"What?"

"If you do something as stupid as that again and put someone else in danger I will break your legs."

"The town was in danger! What is the issue? Will you be saying the same thing to Rick? Or Michonne? Or Noah?" Essie stood up and faced her, Carol took a step forward.

"They aren't stupid. You are." Essie eyes opened wide.

"I'm going to say this once, don't ever tell me what to do." Essie virtually hissed at Carol.

"I will tell you what to do if it means keeping you and others alive and you will listen to me. You think you're alone when you're out there but you're wrong. If you go out so does he. You didn't see him when he thought you were dead; it was like he was dead too and I never want to see that again. It's more than just you now Cookie, whether you like it or not. And you do anything that makes him as stupid as you and I will come after you." Essie narrowed her eyes.

"Then I'll stop. I won't be with him anymore. Then you can leave me the fuck alone." Carol put her head to one side and smiled.

"Oh Cookie that's not an option anymore. You couldn't stop even if you wanted to."

"What? You're going to make sure of that?" Essie said sarcastically.

"I won't need to. I know you and I know him. The world would stop turning before that happened and the sooner you accept that, the better."

Essie let out a hard laugh, "You don't know me."

"Yes. I do. But more than that, I know him. You better be ready Cookie, because that door can never, ever be closed." and she went inside. Essie breathed out and threw the bowl across the street where it smashed.

She knocked on Deanna's front door and waited. She was still angry about what Carol had said. She couldn't believe that anyone would feel how Carol had described, especially about her. If she had been totally honest, Essie would have said she felt scared that what Carol had said was true. Not just about Daryl but about her own feelings. She had lied to herself for so long, she had locked it all away. She had believed, all her life, that she wasn't built like that. At the height of her fevers in the forest she had seen him walking towards her or standing beside her and it had made her fight on but now, back at home, seeing him, she didn't know what to do. But Carol was right, she couldn't stop.

Reg opened the door and saw Essie standing there looking pale and thin in clothes that were too big for her. He stepped forward, put his arms round her and pulled her close to him. She stumbled, taken by surprise but didn't pull away.

"I'm glad you're back." he said, still holding her, "I missed you." Essie didn't know what to say. Eventually Reg released her and adjusted his glasses. Essie looked up at him.

"I missed you too."

"Come in" and she was ushered into the front room. Deanna came through; she looked smaller than Essie remembered. She took a deep breath and waited to see what happened.

Deanna took her hand in both of hers, "It's good to see you. Thank you. Thank you for saving the town." and she squeezed her hand.

Essie told Deanna the whole story without being interrupted although there had been a brief altercation when Deanna had tried to film the interview.

"So you're saying that Luka's group were not the group calling themselves Wolves?" she clarified after Essie had stopped and taken the glass that Reg offered.

"No."

"That is concerning."

"I agree and the herd coming this close to the town is also something that needs to be addressed." Essie said.

"So you are willing to take up your position again?" Deanna asked.

"Deanna, I never wanted to leave here but I knew that I was putting the town in danger if I didn't face it head on. I would do it all again." Essie really wanted Deanna to understand.

"But you must realise now that being part of this town means that if you go off on your own others will come to find you, leaving us weak and vulnerable. You must learn to see the bigger picture where you are concerned." Essie nodded.

"I can't promise that I will learn it quickly but I promise I will do everything I can to keep this town and everyone in it safe; including myself. And linked to that is the fact that we were unprepared last night. The walls could have come down because there were not enough people trained to deal with that kind of incident. It is time to make a decision about training more of the townspeople in how to use weapons and defend the town."

"I will not have people armed with guns inside the walls." Deanna said, settling herself in for a long argument.

"Then how about we compromise and train people outside of the town and work out a contingency plan if we are hit by another herd that doesn't involve a few of us hurling ourselves over the wall? In fact I think I wrote a plan for that about 6 weeks ago?" Essie said a calm and measured voice.

"So you've learned to compromise?" Deanna said.

"We both compromised before, I've just learned that you catch more flies with honey so I'm trying this out on you. Is it working?" and Reg smiled.

"You know Estella, I think it might be." and Deanna reached out her hand and Essie shook it. As she sat back down her shoulder began to spasm in pain and she gasped.

"Are you alright?" asked Deanna, getting up quickly.

"It's fine. It's just my shoulder, it'll pass."

"Shall I get the doctor?" asked Reg getting up and going to the door.

"No! No, it's ok. Please. It's just taking a while to get back to how it was." she reached out her good arm and grabbed his hand.

"You were nearly broken weren't you?" asked Deanna quietly.

"Nearly, but not quite" Essie answered.

"Go home and get some rest. I will read over the plan and make my decision. I will come to you tomorrow." Deanna helped her up, "and for God's sake eat something." and Essie smiled at her.

Reg held the door open for her, "She missed you terribly you know?"

"I know." Essie replied, "I missed her as well."

"I'll see if I can get some bacon for tomorrow's lunch." he said.

"I'll look forward to it. See you tomorrow." and she walked back to her new home. He watched her go and realised how relieved he was that she hadn't really changed.

The house was empty so she went up to her room. It looked even better in the daylight, airy and light. She thought how she might scrounge up some more furniture. Perhaps a big chair to put by the window so she could read whilst there was still light and look over the town. Perhaps she could even get some paint, white or pale blue. Maybe a rug to go over the boards by the side of the bed.

**Are you staying?**

I think I am.

**Are you planning for the future?**

I think I am.

**Are you hoping for the best?**

I think I am.

**Are you strong enough for what is to come?**

I think am.

**I know you are.**

Thanks Lawrence.

**That's ok, Essie.**

She looked out of the round window and saw something glinting in the woods beyond the town. It looked like light reflecting off glass; it flashed 3 times and then was gone. She watched for it to happen again but it didn't. She would tell Rick, which was the sensible thing to do. That was definitely the sensible thing to do.

She grabbed her jacket and ran down the stairs. Outside she saw Michonne walking back.

"Hey!" she said breathlessly, "there's someone in the woods."

"What?"

"There's someone in the woods. I saw what looked like a signal, a flash of light from a reflection. It was regular, like Morse code but I'm not sure."

"I'll let Rick know." said Michonne and ran towards the gate.

"I'll go to the armoury." Essie called back.

She ran round the corner and saw Olivia.

"Essie!" she said, surprised to see her and nervous.

"Hey Olivia." Essie said breathlessly, "Sorry I punched you, I won't ever do it again but I haven't got time to make it up to you right now. I need a gun for Michonne, Rick's gun and me. There's someone in the woods I think."

"Ok" said Olivia, nodding furiously and hustling off.

"Oh right." said Essie, very surprised that it was that easy. Olivia passed her the weapons, ammunition and a machete.

"Thanks." Essie said.

"No problem." said Olivia, "but you owe me a deer." she called after her.

Essie headed back towards the gate and met Daryl coming the other way.

"What's up?" he asked joining her.

"There's someone signalling from the woods. We're going to have a look."

"We?" he asked.

"I told Michonne who's telling Rick."

"You told Michonne?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"I know." she said, smiling. He took the rifle and slung it over his other shoulder.

"You're coming too?" she looked at him but he didn't answer.

They met at the gate. Rick nodded to Daryl and took his gun from Essie.

"What'd you see?"

"A signal from the woods due west. I'm not sure how far out. It looked regular and deliberate."

"Can you remember the sequence?"

"No, I think I only caught the end of it, 3 long flashes. Could be an SOS or something else."

"Ok." Rick said, "This is a scouting trip. We watch, nothing else for now and we don't draw attention to ourselves." and stared at Essie who nodded but couldn't help but feel a little bit patronised.

They passed into the woods silently and spread out, visibility was poor even with the trees relatively bare. They headed west. Daryl went slightly ahead and Essie fell slightly behind, finding it difficult to keep up. Michonne noticed and gave her a questioning thumbs up and she responded in kind.

They walked for about 30 minutes and saw nothing. Suddenly Daryl dropped on one knee and beckoned them over.

"Blood. Fresh." he whispered and pointed to small droplets on the fallen leaves.

"Walker?" asked Michonne and Daryl shook his head.

"We keep moving." said Rick and followed Daryl. After another 10 minutes they came to an incline and heard the tell tale sound of walkers crashing through the forest. Essie gripped the pistol and raised it as they made their way over. She felt it pull on her shoulder but she kept it steady. They crested the ridge and saw 7 walkers and a body lying in a dry gully. She holstered the pistol and saw Rick and Michonne do the same; they would make too much noise. Daryl took out 3 of them before they got to the bottom of the ridge. Essie took out another but couldn't raise her arm again. Rick grabbed the machete off her and took out the other 3 whilst Michonne covered them with her Glock.

"Thanks." Essie said breathlessly.

"No problem.' said Rick. Daryl pulled the arrows out of the walkers' heads and wiped them on the ground. Essie looked around but couldn't see or hear anything. Michonne went up the other side of the gully to scout around. Essie walked over to the body when she heard it groan. She raised her pistol again and beckoned Rick over. She approached and heard it groan again but something wasn't right. It wasn't a walker's groan.

"Help…me"

"Alive!" Essie hissed and turned the body over. It was a woman of about her age. There was blood around her mouth and nose.

"Are you bitten?" Essie asked.

"No…water." croaked the woman and Daryl passed her the canteen. Essie gently lifted the woman's head and poured a little water into her mouth, she gratefully swallowed.

"Shit!" said Rick and pointed to the woman's abdomen, there was a huge gash across her torso with a large splinter of wood through her thigh.

"Hey! Hey! What's your name?" asked Essie, trying to keep the woman awake.

"Maria." she whispered and opened her palm to reveal a small hand mirror that she'd used to signal.

"Hi Maria, I'm Essie." she smoothed the woman's dark, brown hair away from her face, "is there anybody nearby?"

"No…running from them…tripped…stupid…herd…been here all night." Maria whispered, Essie gave her more water. Michonne examined the injuries and shook her head, Essie hung her head.

"Bad?" Maria was getting paler, her lips were turning blue.

"Yes." said Essie, "I'm sorry."

"Children." Maria croaked.

"Where!"

"20 miles west…blue building…flowers." her eyes were closing.

"No stay awake for me Maria. Tell me about the children. How many?"

"12…alone…no food…wanted to find a safe place…van broke down…"

"I'll find them, I promise." Essie shook Maria slightly.

"Please…don't want to turn…" Maria's voice was getting weaker, her breath shallow.

"I know." said Essie and cradled Maria's head.

"Find them…" she whispered and let out a last terrible gasp.

"I will." Essie whispered and closed Maria's eyes, Daryl passed her his knife and she slid it into Maria's skull. She gently laid her hand on Maria's cheek and stood up.

"We've got to go." she said looking at them.

"We'll get back to town, take the van. We'll find them." Michonne said.

"Let's go." Essie began to walk back the way they had come.

"What about her body?" Rick asked.

"She's dead and there's no time. We don't know how long she's been out here." Essie didn't look back.

Daryl ran to catch up with her.

"You ok?" he asked.

"We're going to find them." she said.

"I know." and he walked off ahead.

They got back to town much quicker. Deanna was waiting by the gate.

"What's happened?" she asked Rick.

"There's 12 children on their own about 17 miles west of here. A blue building with flowers." he said.

"That's probably Drayton Elementary but Drayton has been empty for months." Deanna answered.

"Not anymore." said Essie and began to run to where the van was kept.

"There was a woman in the woods, she told us about the children before she died. She'd been there all night." Michonne stared hard at Deanna.

"What do you need?" said the older woman.

Within 20 minutes, the van was fully fuelled and packed with food, water, weapons and ammunition. Tara, Rosita and Maggie were in the back and Essie was just finishing loading up. Rhys and another ex-prisoner, Laura, came over.

"We want to help." he said to Essie.

"No more room for anyone else and it's better if it's women as they're kids." she said not looking at him.

"I'll come." said Laura.

"I don't know you and we have enough people." Essie said shortly but then remembered she should be trying harder, "work with Deanna in trying to find places for 12 traumatised kids. No idea on their ages but it'd be best if they're not separated so we'll need a dormitory for them to sleep when we get back and food, some toys."

"What if they're gone or already dead?" asked Laura and found herself shoved up against the side of the van by Essie.

"Hi I'm Essie. I freed you and blew up a building. If you can't say anything positive, shut the fuck up." and she released the frightened woman and opened the van door. Michonne climbed into the driver's seat. Rhys came to Essie's window.

"We'll have sorted something out by the time you get back." he said and Essie nodded. He moved away when Rick and Daryl approached.

"Make it quick." Rick said, "you get in, you get the kids and you get out." Essie saluted him. Daryl passed her a Glock.

"It kicks less than the rifle." he said and she nodded at him.

Michonne started the engine and drove through the gates.

"You know, she might be right. We might be too late." Maggie said from the back.

"I know." said Essie, "but I'm feeling positive and she was pissing me off." Tara high fived her.

They travelled the 20 miles to Drayton without any problems, passing only a few walkers. They passed the town's welcome sign and drove slowly down the main street. All the shops were either burnt out or looted, front windows smashed and doors hanging off their hinges. They drove past the church that was missing most of the roof and walls. Rosita suddenly pointed to the right.

"There." she said and they looked over to see a blue roof with huge, white flowers painted over and down the side of the building. They pulled into the road; they couldn't see anything, not even any walkers. The wire fence and gate were bent inwards as if a car had driven through it.

They pulled up to the front and parked by a small bus with Lyng Youth Group painted on the side, one of the tyres was shredded. Tara passed round the weapons and ammunition. They exited the van.

"Tara, Rosita you scout round the side. Maggie, Essie you go round the other side, I'll check the front." Michonne walked under the shadow of the awning that went round the whole building and the others walked around the side.

Maggie and Essie raised their guns and turned the corner; the playground was seething with walkers but the wire fence had them corralled, they were pushing hard. They backed off quickly and went back to where the van was. Rosita and Tara came round the other side and had a similar story.

"Did they see you?" Michonne whispered and everyone shook their heads.

"Halls look clear but I couldn't see much, the front door is still locked."

"How'd Maria get in?" asked Essie.

"Up there." pointed Tara and they saw a first floor window smashed and a ladder lying under the awning as if it had been kicked over.

"Ok." said Essie and they headed over. Rosita, who was look out set up the ladder and stood on the bottom as the others climbed up, Essie going last. She felt her shoulder squeal with pain but she ignored it. They carefully walked along the awning until they came to the smashed window. It led into an office.

Michonne raised her rifle and pushed open the door, the hall looked clear and all the doors they could see were closed. They silently moved down towards the stairs. Tara checked the stairway was clear and they moved slowly down.

The double doors at the bottom were locked. Essie rattled the bar in frustration and kicked it. A shot rang out, blowing a hole in the wood and nearly catching her and Maggie. They all hit the floor.

"Anybody hurt?" shouted Michonne as the sound rang through the silent halls.

"No, we're good." said Tara brushing splinters of wood from her hair. Maggie got to her knees but was yanked back down by Essie as another shot blasted through the door.

"Go away!" a voice yelled out, "We've got plenty more guns here. Go away!"

"Maria sent me!" Essie shouted back.

"Where is she?"

"Don't say" mouthed Maggie but Essie shook her head.

"She had an accident in the woods and we found her. She…died but she told me where to find you before she went." Essie shouted.

There was a sound of different voices crying from the other side of the door.

"I…I don't believe you." shouted the same voice.

"It doesn't matter." shouted Essie, "The yard is full of the dead and it's only a matter of time before they realise you're here. Maria told me you didn't have any food. You've run out of options, you're going to have to trust me."

There was silence from the other side of the door so Essie continued.

"There's 3 of us out here, all girls, and one other outside keeping watch. We've got a van. We're here to take you to a safe place."

"There aren't safe places anymore." shouted the voice and Essie bit her lip in frustration.

"Listen kid, you don't have time for this. If you open this door I will give you my gun and you can keep it until you feel safe."

"No!" hissed Maggie.

"We haven't got a choice." Essie answered and she emptied the magazine and ejected the bullet in the chamber, replacing the empty magazine. She handed the bullets to Tara who pocketed them.

There was a sound of furious whispering from the other side.

"Ok." said the voice, "I'm gonna open the door and if I see any funny stuff I'm gonna shoot you."

"Ok" shouted Essie and they all stepped back. They heard Rosita give 3 sharp whistles, trouble. They heard a chain being unwrapped and the double doors swung open to reveal a girl of about 10 aiming a rifle straight at Essie.

"Hands up!" the girl said, gesturing with the rifle. They raised their hands and looked into the gym. There were 11 other children ranging from about 5 to 8, a mix of boys and girls, it was obvious the girl with the gun was the oldest. They were filthy, terrified and tear stained. Most of the little ones were crying.

"Hi, I'm Essie, this is Tara, Maggie and Michonne. Our friend Rosita is outside and she's just given us the signal that something is wrong. We're going to have to move quickly."

"Gun first!" said the girl. Essie stared at her for a moment and then held the gun out to her. She took a step forward, grabbed it and dropped the rifle.

"Ok. Are you ready to go now?" and the girl nodded, turning to the other children.

"Everyone get with your buddy." the girl called and the children held hands with their partner, "we're leaving just like Maria said."

"We're going to go back out the way you came in, through the window and over the awning ok?" Essie asked and most of the kids nodded. They heard 3 whistles again.

Tara and Maggie took the lead and Essie and Michonne were at the back of the line of kids. They made their way up the stairs and into the hallway. They were halfway back to the office when they heard a window breaking behind them and shots being fired.

"Move!" shouted Essie and picked up the two smallest children, the others picked up 2 kids each, leaving the eldest girl with a boy of about 5.

"You good with him?" shouted Michonne and the girl nodded.

They ran down the last section of the hallway, Essie's shoulder screaming all the way. Tara and Maggie climbed onto the awning and Essie and Michonne passed the kids through to them and then climbed out after them. They ran over the awning.

"They're breaking through the fence!" shouted Rosita who was picking off the most active walkers through the fence that was bowing dangerously out.

Most of the group were on the ground when the fence finally gave way and the walkers came pouring out.

Essie and Michonne were still on the roof with the eldest girl and the little boy who was paralysed with fear. Michonne virtually jumped down the ladder and the girl followed her. Essie stood on the top of the ladder and beckoned the little boy over but he was too frightened to move so she grabbed him with her good arm, hooked him over her and climbed down, bracing herself and her load with her damaged shoulder. She nearly let go but managed to hold on and got to the bottom but it had taken too long, the walkers were nearly at them.

Maggie and Tara had managed to get the other kids to the van and Michonne was trying to drag the girl away but she wouldn't go until Essie had got to the ground with the boy. Rosita was firing round after round into the approaching crowd.

"Go!" shouted Essie and they began to run. A walker nearly grabbed Essie who was still holding the boy, the girl squeezed the trigger of the gun that Essie had given her and she saw the look of betrayal when it didn't fire. Rosita took the walker out.

Everybody got to the van as the walkers came round the corner, Michonne started the van and floored it before they even managed to close the back doors but they made it, they were all safe.

They sped down the highway.

"Everyone good back there?" asked Essie over her shoulder, the little boy hadn't loosened his hod on her; he had a grip like a limpet.

"Yeah." said Maggie but then a little girl threw up all over her. Most of the kids were crying, some were even wailing.

"You lied to me!" said the eldest girl to Essie.

"I said I'd give you my gun and that's what I did." she said as Tara and Rosita tried to calm the kids down and Maggie shrugged off her stained coat.

"It wasn't loaded." the girl was literally boiling over with anger.

"I'm not going to give a loaded gun to someone who proved they were more than willing to shoot us." Essie said trying to adjust the boy's grip but failing, "Jesus kid, I can't breathe."

"His name's Finn." said the girl, "he's my brother and you lied to me."

"Ok Finn, yeah, hi." Essie said as the little boy raised his head and looked at her, "Finn do you think you could let go just a little bit?" Finn shook his head and buried his face in her neck again. She sighed and turned back to his sister who was still staring at her.

"Yes I lied. I'm sorry but I needed you out of there and fast. I won't lie to you again. And at least you're here to be lied to, that's got to be good for something?"

"I haven't decided yet." said the girl and turned her back on Essie.

"Can't this thing go any faster?" Essie asked Michonne as another of the little kids threw up, this time on Rosita.


	19. Chapter 19

**Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I have no idea where this is going. I thought I did but now I don't. A great opening to a chapter right? Anyway not a lot happens here but I'm trying to write my way to the story. Thanks for reading and, as usual, please let me know what you think if you can.**

When the guns fire, don't listen

They were so grateful to see the gates of the town, most of the kids were too exhausted to cry anymore but the van smelt of vomit and unwashed bodies, unpleasant for everyone.

Aaron opened the gate and they drove through and stopped outside the church. Deanna, Reg, Rick and Carol were waiting. The moment the van had stopped, the back doors opened and the women piled out in various states of nausea.

Michonne walked round the front of the van and put her hands on the hood and breathed deeply. Essie opened the passenger door and struggled out with Finn still attached. Reg and Carol went to help get the kids out.

"What happened?" asked Rick.

"We got them. It was close but we got them." said Michonne smiling.

"It's been a good day." said Essie nodding her head.

"We're keeping the other people away for now, we don't want to overwhelm the children." said Deanna.

"I think that ship has sailed." Essie said and walked to the back of the van.

"Ok kid." she said to the girl, "this is your show until you're satisfied we are who we say we are." and the girl glowered at her but nodded.

"This is Carol and Reg. The man in the uniform is Rick and the other woman is Deanna, the leader of this town. Don't piss her off too much ok?" but she continued to glower at Essie mutely.

"Look kid…" Essie stopped, "what's your name, I can't keep calling you kid?" the girl stared at her, mulishly mute.

"Caitlin." whispered Finn and Essie looked surprised that he'd spoken.

"Ok Caitlin. What do you think we should do first? Do these kids need a bath or food?"

Caitlin stared at her, "Food." she said.

"Right, we'll go and get food." Essie turned to Carol, "Caitlin has decided these kids need food, where do we take them?"

"This way." she said and led the odd group to the church. Most of the kids were dead on their feet but perked up when they saw a long table with benches either side laid out with food and juice.

Caitlin stared suspiciously at the table's contents and Essie saw this.

"You're worried about the food? How about if we all take a bite first?" and the girl nodded. Essie indicated to the food and the adults all ate something. This seemed to satisfy her and she nodded to the kids who sat down and began to eat slowly at first then voraciously. Finn was still attached to Essie and wouldn't let go.

"Don't you want something to eat?" she asked but he shook his head and gripped tighter.

"Your sister is eating, so are all the others. You're safe here I promise." and he very slowly unhooked his hands and she set him down next to his sister.

"Who's she?" asked Carol, indicating to Caitlin.

"She's the oldest. I think Maria relied on her. She shot at us, twice."

"Watch her." said Carol, Essie cast her a sidelong glance but didn't say anything else.

Deanna came into the church followed by Father Gabriel.

"The Father has kindly donated the church as a dormitory until we can make better arrangements." Deanna said and Essie nodded but stared hard at Gabriel who looked away from her.

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.' I am glad I could help." he said to Deanna, Essie held back a snort.

Maggie, Tara, Michonne and Rosita walked into the church, the kids turned fearfully but visibly relaxed when they saw whom it was.

"How's it going?" Maggie asked.

"They're eating but that's about all I can tell." Essie replied.

"They're so quiet." Rosita said, "What happened to them, how did Maria find them?"

"Same way we found each other I suppose, luck." said Essie and the others nodded.

"We will need to organize a rota to look after them for a while." said Deanna joining them.

"I know it's a big responsibility and drain on our resources. Thank you." said Essie.

"If we couldn't do this, what would be the point of any of it?" replied Deanna.

When they had finished eating, they started yawning, even Caitlin looked tired.

"Hi, my name is Deanna. I am so glad you are all here and safe. You are going to be staying here for a while…" Caitlin interrupted her.

"We're staying together. I'm not leaving anyone." Deanna took a moment and then smiled at Caitlin but it looked strained.

"Yes, you are all staying together. There will be some of us with you at all times until you get used to us but you will be together." and Caitlin nodded. Essie looked round to Jessie walk in and the 2 women smiled at each other.

"What the hell?" Jessie mouthed, indicating to the kids and she nodded. Olivia also came in and gasped at what she saw.

"Ok." said Maggie to the group, "we're going to get you cleaned up, our doctor is going to take a look at you and then you can work out who gets which bed. But we don't have anywhere to clean all of you together. So, some are going to come with me and Carol, some are going with Rosita and Tara and some are going with this lady here, her name is Jessie and this is her friend Olivia. " The children stood up and immediately joined hands with their buddy, Maria had trained them well. Maggie led them out of the church and over to street.

"Hey Caitlin, you're going to get clean and then you will be back together." Essie said to her.

"Like I should believe you." the girl said, holding he brother's hand tightly.

"Kid, I promised you I wouldn't lie to you again and I meant it. I will see you after you're sorted out." but Caitlin turned away. Essie sighed in frustration. The kids went into the various houses, Jessie lead Caitlin's group into her house and waved before shutting the door.

Essie leant over and put her hands on her knees and closed her eyes.

"You ok?" asked Michonne.

"I swear to God that kid is the most stubborn and suspicious person I've ever met." Michonne didn't say anything and bit her lip, "and her brother nearly damn well strangled me."

"I think he peed on you too." she said, laughing.

"Oh, what the hell?" Essie cried.

Rick and Daryl joined them.

"Good job today." Rick said.

"Yeah, well you didn't get peed on." said Essie and both he and Daryl laughed.

"Great. Go ahead, laugh. Next time you can go and rescue the cast of Sesame Street."

"You coming to get cleaned up?" asked Michonne.

"I think I'm going to wait out here until they're done." and Daryl stayed too.

They sat on the curb and he lit 2 cigarettes and passed one to her.

"What happened?" he asked.

"They were holed up in the school gym. Walkers broke through the fence and we nearly didn't make it. Jesus, they were so scared but Caitlin, she kept them safe. You know she shot at us? Blew 2 holes in the door, trying to protect them. Kid's properly brave." and she pulled on the cigarette. Daryl gave her a sidelong look but she was staring at the house opposite.

"So how was your day? Did you get peed on?" she asked and he shook is head and smiled.

"Lucky you." and she leant her head on his shoulder and took another drag.

"I think we need to start looking further afield for food. We've got 12 more mouths to feed." Essie said, "When are you and Aaron going out again?"

"Couple of days." he answered and felt her nod.

"I'm going to suggest that we step up the hunting parties too." She yawned and stretched her back.

They sat in easy silence for a while.

"You don't need to wait with me." she said.

"Nah I'm good." he replied and she smiled. Suddenly she heard something smash and Jessie leaned out of the upstairs window.

"You've got to come now!" she yelled and disappeared again. Essie was on her feet and running with Daryl close behind her. She burst into the house and ran up the stairs two at a time.

She passed Sam's room and saw the 2 little kids, cleaned and wrapped towels, sitting on the bed with huge scared eyes. Essie ran down the hall and saw Caitlin dressed in fresh clothes being held back by Olivia, but she was struggling and winning.

"What's happened?" Essie shouted above the noise in the bathroom.

"It's Finn!" Caitlin answered, staring passed her at Daryl, "he thought you were coming too and when you didn't he freaked out."

"Out the way!" Essie said and Caitlin moved aside. She opened the door and saw the carnage, there was water all over the floor, Jessie was soaked and Finn was backed up between the cupboard and the toilet kicking out and screaming anytime Jessie got near. She saw Essie and gave her a look of relief.

"All I did was try to give him a bath but he kept asking for you. Then he just went crazy." Essie nodded and knelt down.

"Hey Finn, what's all this about?"

Jessie came out of the bathroom and she and Olivia went to see to the other kids. Caitlin stayed by the door and looked up at Daryl.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"Daryl." he answered and she continued to stare at him.

"Do you know Essie?" and he nodded.

"You live here?" and he nodded again. She seemed to come to a decision and stuck out her hand.

"I'm Caitlin." and Daryl shook it for want of anything better to do.

"That's my brother in there. He seems to want Essie, I don't know why. She's a liar."

"Rethink that idea." said Daryl and Caitlin looked up at him.

"She lied to me."

"How?"

"She was trying to get me to open the door and she promised me her gun but when I used it there were no bullets in it."

"Did she promise you bullets?" he asked, staring at the bathroom door.

"Well, no but…"

"Then she didn't lie."

"But.."

"She didn't lie." and Caitlin blew out her cheeks in frustration and then nodded.

Essie finally coaxed Finn out and he reattached himself to her.

"Ok. Ok." she said, stroking his hair, "now you need to have a bath but we can't do that if you won't let go of me." but he didn't let go.

"How about if Caitlin comes in to help?" nothing.

"Look I'm going to be right here but you have to let go of me."

"Promise?"

"Yes! I said that and I rarely say anything I don't mean." and he let go.

She helped him out of his clothes and into the bath. He was too skinny but other than that he seemed fine. She gently washed his hair, keeping the soap out of his eyes as best she could. She lifted him out of the bath with some difficulty and wrapped him up in the last towel and opened the door. Daryl was sat leaning against the wall with Caitlin by his side, they both looked up.

"He's fine." she said, "just a bit scared that's all."

"Did he pee on you?" asked Caitlin.

"Not this time." she answered.

"You're lucky. He pees on me all the time." and Caitlin gave her a small smile. Essie looked at Daryl who shrugged. Jessie, Olivia and the other kids looked out of the door and Essie gave a thumbs up.

After he was dried and dressed, the odd looking group walked back to the church. Most of the other kids were already asleep. Essie laid Finn in a bed and pulled the covers over him.

"Don't go!" he said, grabbing her hand.

"I won't." and she sat in between his bed and Caitlin's.

Caitlin rolled over to look at her.

"How did you get here?" she whispered.

"Daryl and a guy called Aaron came across my brother and I in the woods, brought us back here."

"Where's your brother now?"

"He died. A few months ago. He's buried in the graveyard here."

"How'd he die?"

"He was shot by a group of men who threatened the town…and me."

"What happened?"

"I killed them all." and Caitlin nodded.

"I had to kill my daddy when he turned into one of them."

"We do what we have to do to survive." Essie said looking at her.

"We do." and Caitlin rolled onto her back.

"Where do you come from?" she asked

"England. How about you?"

"I come from Seville, smallest town in Georgia." Caitlin answered with a hint of pride, "Essie?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry I called you a liar."

"That's ok. I don't generally feel bad about lying if it's for the best but I promise I won't lie to you again and I mean it."

"So who's Daryl to you?" and Essie laughed.

"I said I wouldn't lie I never said I would answer every question."

"Ok." Caitlin said and smiled, "I'll find out on my own."

"I believe you. Now get some sleep."

"Is Maria buried in the graveyard too?" Caitlin rolled over to look at her again.

"No I'm sorry kid. She died out in the woods and we couldn't bring her back." Caitlin nodded and shuffled further under the covers.

"Is this place safe?" she asked.

"I'm not sure. I think it is. You're safe here though, I'll make sure of it." and Caitlin finally closed her eyes. Essie spent the whole night in the church. Different people came and went but she stayed right between Finn and Caitlin until the sun came up, watching.

"Hey kid wake up, breakfast time." Essie gently shook Caitlin who jumped slightly, "it's ok. You remember where you are?" and she nodded sleepily. Finn woke up with a start and looked around, frightened. Essie smoothed his hair and he settled.

"Do you want some breakfast?" she asked him and he nodded. She pulled the covers back and helped him to sit up.

"I think I can smell pancakes." and he smiled at her for the first time.

"You are adorable." she said and he smiled again, Caitlin pouted a little.

"Kid, there are some who are cute and some who aren't. You and me are not cute. It's the way of the world." Essie said smiling.

"I'd rather be strong than cute." she answered.

"That's the spirit!" and Caitlin smiled too, the sun came out just for a second.

"And remember awesome is better than cute!"

With all the kids sat and eating their breakfast, Essie took the opportunity to go outside and stretch her legs.

"You stayed there all night?" asked Jessie, walking over with some more clothes and food.

"I did and now my arse is numb and my back may never be the same again."

"Deanna wants to talk with Caitlin today." Jessie said.

"She's not speaking to her without me there!" Essie immediately went into fighting mode.

"She said you'd say that so she's expecting you after they've eaten." and Jessie went inside smiling.

Essie put her hands to the small of her back and leant forward but it didn't do any good. She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and she turned to see Daryl.

"Hey." she said smiling.

"You here all night?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Everything ok?"

"Better than yesterday. Deanna wants to see Caitlin today, I'm going to be there too." and he nodded.

"They all doing alright?"

"I think so. I don't know much about children but they seem ok."

"They're tough."

"They have to be." she answered and he squeezed her good shoulder a little tighter.

Caitlin walked out holding Finn's hand and saw them together.

"I told you I'd find out." she said.

"You hardly 'found out', you walked out of a building and looked." said Essie.

"I found out." Caitlin said with a look of triumph, "Finn wanted to know where you were." and he ran over to Essie and gripped her waist.

"Little man, you are going to have to give me some space. I have things to do and you are not invited." she said looking down at him. He looked back up at her with huge hazel eyes and shook his head, not letting her go.

Daryl crouched down and tapped Finn on the shoulder who looked at him suspiciously.

"Hey, you wanna see something cool?" and he opened his hand. Finn picked up the sharp piece of rock and looked at it confused.

"It's a fossilized shark tooth, found it a couple years ago. It's about 250 million years old." Finn unwound himself from Essie and held the shark tooth.

"Did it come from a zoo?" he asked and Essie's eyes went wide.

"In the woods, Georgia used to be covered by the ocean." Daryl said watching the small child.

"I'm from Georgia too." Finn said and went to hand it back to Daryl.

"Nah, you keep it safe for me." he said. Finn smiled and put it carefully in his pocket and then immediately took it out again to look at it.

"Close your mouth or you might catch a fly." said Caitlin to Essie who snapped her mouth closed and gave her a look.

Essie knocked on Deanna's door and readjusted her hold on Finn who was still keen to be as close to Essie as possible.

"You nervous?" she asked Caitlin who shook her head defiantly.

"Good." she said and the girl smiled.

Reg opened the door and beamed at them.

"Come in. Come in." he said.

They went into the front room and sat on the sofa opposite Deanna.

"How are they?" asked Deanna to Essie.

"Ask them yourself." and she indicated to Caitlin.

"I apologise, I should have spoken to you first." she said to Caitlin and earned some respect from Essie, "Are you alright?"

"Yes thank you." Caitlin replied as if they were 2 dignitaries meeting for peace talks.

"I need you to tell me your story." said Deanna.

"Why?" asked Caitlin.

"Because this town is going to last and I want everyone's story to be known. I'm going to record our discussion." Caitlin looked at Essie who shrugged.

"It's up to you, kid."

"Ok." said Caitlin.

"Please start from the beginning. Where do you come from?"

Essie listened to Caitlin's story whilst Finn slept on her lap. They came from a tiny town in Georgia. Caitlin's school had closed when the news of the disaster spread. She got home from school to find her father packing up their truck and they went to his cabin. They stayed there safe for over a year; but then her father didn't come back from a supply run. They stayed alone in the cabin for 2 days before Caitlin decided they'd have to leave. She packed a bag and they began to make their way back to town. They saw their father's truck on the side of the road and went up to it. Their father was still inside, he'd been bitten and he'd turned. Caitlin had bashed his head in with a rock after he had attacked them. They ran but got lost and couldn't find their town. They were sitting by the side of the road when Maria's bus had driven up. She'd been a schoolteacher in Florida before and had taken the bus when escaping, Caitlin didn't know much more about her. She'd already got 6 kids with her so Caitlin and Finn joined her. Maria was trying to get to Washington, thinking that there might be a safe place. They'd been driving near Drayton when the tyre had suddenly burst on the truck. Caitlin said she thought she'd heard a shot but couldn't be sure. Maria had made it to the school and then gone in search of a new vehicle or a safe place but hadn't come back.

The girl hadn't cried or faltered throughout her story. Deanna and Essie were impressed. Reg came through and passed her a glass of juice that she drank almost in one go.

"Thank you Caitlin, I appreciate you telling me your story. Do you have any questions for me?"

"Why are you in charge here?" Deanna looked at Essie who shrugged, this was nothing to do with her. So Deanna took a turn in telling a story and Caitlin listened carefully. When Deanna finished, Caitlin nodded.

"I think that we will stay here. You seem to be ok." said Caitlin and nodded as if to reinforce the point.

"Well that's good, I'm glad you think so. We'd love for you to stay with us." Deanna smiled.

"All the kids will live with families who already have children and the room to spare. They will stay with their buddy and if they are unhappy we will do our best to change that. You, Caitlin will be the spokesperson for the group and you and I will have regular meetings to make sure you are ok with everything." Essie was gaining even more respect for Deanna. Finn shifted in her lap and woke up, he looked up at her and smiled then shuffled back down.

"So Finn and me will be with Essie?" Caitlin looked from her to Deanna but Essie shook her head.

"Sorry kid, there's no room with me. I'll be around all the time, any time you need me."

"But we want to be with you!" this was the first time she had seen Caitlin close to upset.

"I'm sorry." she said, "but I haven't been back a week yet. I need time to settle in and I live in one room of a house I share with Rick's group. There is no room for you guys."

"So move to a bigger house!" Caitlin nearly shouted.

"It's not just the room. Like I said, I've been away for a while and I need some time to get back into the swing of things, I'm not the best person to look after you."

"Where have you been?" Caitlin asked and Deanna straightened up, obviously expecting Essie to dodge the question but she looked straight at the girl.

"You remember I said I killed the men who murdered my brother? Well it was more complicated than that. They took me from here and tried to kill me but I managed to get out with some help from Rick and everybody else but the building was destroyed and everybody thought I was dead. There was a man in the woods who saved my life but it took a while and I only managed to get back here 5 days ago. A lot can happen in 5 days but I need some time."

"They nearly killed you?" Caitlin asked, "How?"

"I think that's enough for…" Deanna began but Essie silenced her with a stare. She gently laid the sleeping Finn on the sofa, stood up and pulled her t shirt down over her shoulder and showed Caitlin the vivid scar, Deanna gasped but Caitlin just stared at it and then she raised the corner and showed her the gun shot wound. She didn't show her the other scars; the kid didn't need to know about that.

"So who do we stay with?" Caitlin asked.

"Well how would you like to stay with us?" asked Reg from the corner of the room where he had been sat the whole time.

'What?" asked Essie and Caitlin at the same time.

"Stay with us, we've got the room and we're right across from where Essie lives."

"Did you know about this?" Essie asked Deanna.

"We discussed it this morning." she said.

"It's up to you kid." Essie said to Caitlin.

"If we don't like it we can change?"

"Yeah but you have to give it a chance." Essie said and Caitlin nodded.

"Finn isn't going to be happy." she said.

"Well Finn's going to have to learn." Essie said as the little boy woke up again.

"Do you want to see your room?" Reg asked and held his hand out.

"Go on." said Essie and gently pushed Finn who took Reg's hand and Caitlin followed them out.

"They've obviously got attached to you." she said.

"I know." said Essie quietly.

"How do you feel about that?"

"I…I don't know. Like I said to the kid, I've only been back here for 5 days and half of that has been spent outside the walls. I expected to come back and keep my head down for a few weeks; it hasn't worked out like that."

"It rarely does." said Deanna, "You've had a very busy few months."

"But you know what? I think that's what life is like now." Essie said, turning to Deanna, "I don't think you get a chance to think about things anymore. I can't say that this new development isn't mostly terrifying but perhaps I'm just going to have to deal with it head on."

"Not run away?" Deanna asked.

"I don't think that's an option anymore." Essie said taking a deep breath.

"We'll take good care of them." Deanna said.

"You will or I'll come knocking on your door. On that point, I don't want any of the kids being put with the new people or with Jessie and Pete."

"Why not with Jessie and Pete?" Deanna asked.

"I said they are not to be put with them. Just accept that if you don't know why. If you do know why then you and I will be having another conversation very soon." Deanna looked away and Essie narrowed her eyes but Reg came back in with the kids so she couldn't say anymore.

"So what do you think?" Essie asked and Caitlin nodded.

"For now." Caitlin said.

"Jesus kid, you should be grateful." Essie said.

"I am but we'll be with you soon."

"Kid, take no for answer."

"No."

"Oh my God, you are so stubborn!"

"I know. So what are we doing with you today?"

"I'm going to go back to my house and having a shower because I'm still wearing the clothes your brother peed on yesterday. I don't know what you're doing."

Finn laughed, "Pee." he said and laughed again.

"Stop." said Essie but he laughed again.

"Can we come and see your room?" Caitlin asked.

"No." said Essie.

"We're coming anyway." Caitlin said and walked to the door.

"I said no. Kid, listen, you are not coming with me today."

"Yes we are. Come on, you're wearing clothes with pee on them."

Essie stood there staring at the girl who stared right back with big, brown eyes from under long brown hair with a fringe that was too long, clutching her brother's hand who was also looking at her with his little face framed by dark curls. She sighed.

"Ok, but just for today because I don't have anything else planned and I got no sleep last night."

"And then we'll go and find Michonne and Maggie."

"They'll be busy."

"They'll make time for us."

"Kid! I swear to God you need to learn that you don't always get your own way."

"You do."

"No I don't, you're coming with me today. I didn't want that."

And the three of them left Deanna's house still bickering. Reg put his arm around Deanna's shoulder, "Do you think she realizes yet that she might have met her match?"

"Not in the slightest." Deanna answered and smiled up at her husband, "They won't be here more than a night I bet."

"I say 2 nights, you're not giving Estella enough credit." Reg replied.

"You're on." Deanna said and they shook hands.

Halfway down the road, Essie picked Finn up and he held on tight to her. She opened the door to the house. Abraham came down the stairs and stopped at the sight of Essie and the 2 small children.

"What the hell?" he said.

"I'm showing them around the town and they wanted to see where I lived." Essie said quickly.

"They stayin' here?"

"No, these 2 are staying with Deanna."

"Who are you?" asked Caitlin.

"I'm Abraham."

"You're big." said Finn and Essie laughed before stopping herself.

"Yes I am." said Abraham.

"I like your moustache." said Caitlin.

"Most ladies do." he said and smiled at her, she smiled back.

"Ok, I think that's weird enough. My room is upstairs." and Abraham moved out of the way as they passed.

"Phew, you know you stink of piss right?" he said to Essie.

"Yes, thank you I know."

"I peed on her." said Finn gravely.

"Were you drunk at the time?" Abraham asked equally seriously.

"No." Finn giggled.

"Then there's no excuse. A man's gotta have control over his own bladder, ok?"

Finn nodded and giggled again.

They made it up to Essie's room and she opened the door, the kids walked in and began to look around.

"You don't have much." Caitlin said.

"I don't need much."

"I like it." said Finn and jumped onto the bed.

"Ok, I'm going to have a shower, are you going to be ok here for a bit?"

They nodded.

"Don't break anything."

"There's nothing to break." Caitlin said.

Essie sighed and remembered to grab clean clothes.

She had the quickest shower ever and pulled on her clothes whilst she was still damp. It was only when she was halfway up the stairs that she realized her shoulder hadn't really hurt her for a while.

Voices were coming from her room and she walked in to see Carol sitting on the bed talking to Caitlin.

"What's this?" she asked rubbing the ends of her hair with the towel.

"We were just talking about Caitlin's plans." Carol said.

"And?" Essie asked.

"And I'm going." Carol stood up and left. Essie stared at Caitlin who was looking out of the window trying to see over the whole town and Finn was lying on her bed looking at his shark's tooth, she followed Carol.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Nothing." Carol answered.

"Bullshit. You've been suspicious of Caitlin since she arrived. What's the matter?"

"I wanted to check that she was ok." Carol said simply.

"But by ok you don't mean happy or healthy do you?"

"No." said Carol finally, "I wanted to check that she wasn't traumatised so badly that it made her dangerous to be around. You said she shot at you, I wanted to be sure."

"Because you've seen a kid that wasn't ok haven't you?" and Carol nodded.

"Were they your child?" Essie hated this but she wasn't going to back down.

"No but I was the only one they had and I…made a mistake. I didn't realize until it was too late."

Essie didn't want to push; she could probably guess the rest of the story anyway.

"And your opinion of the kid?"

Carol gave a forced smile, "She's fine. She's strong." and Essie nodded.

"And that's the end of it?" she asked and Carol nodded and went downstairs. Essie took a deep breath, one of these days she was going to have a long conversation with Carol that would probably have to be done at gunpoint.

Essie went back into her room and began to brush her hair. She plaited it and pinned it up out of the way.

"Hey, do you want to brush your hair?" she asked Caitlin who nodded and tried to pull the brush through but it got stuck.

"Give it here." Essie said and shuffled back on the bed and Caitlin sat in front of her, she began to very gently tease the knots out.

"You know Jessie did this for me when I first arrived." she said.

"You couldn't do it yourself?" asked Caitlin.

"I could I just didn't want to."

"You didn't want to brush you hair?"

"Nope. I just wanted to fight and survive. But some of the others here taught me that wasn't all there is."

"And now you brush your hair?"

"And now I brush my hair. There, you're done."

Essie lay back on the bed and Caitlin lay down next to her, Finn was on her other side.

"Do you think we can stay here for a long time?" she asked Essie.

"I don't know kid. I hope so."

"If you go will you take us with you?"

"It depends on what the situation is. If the town is safe but I'm not then I'll leave you here. If the town is dangerous then I'll take you with me. But listen, I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon." This seemed to satisfy Caitlin.

Essie yawned and closed her eyes. Finn rolled onto his side and put his hand over hers, Caitlin turned onto her back and rested her leg against Essie's. They were all asleep before ten minutes had passed.


	20. Chapter 20

**So, tentatively, I know where this is going, hurray. Thank you for reading and please let me know what you think if you can.**

When you hear the guns fire, don't listen.

_They turned off the light and drew the curtains; the others sat in the semi darkness._

_"__We're going to make our move soon. Some of them are smarter than I'd like."_

_"__When are you thinking?"_

_"__I'm thinking when that fucking redneck and the fag are out on a run and when those other fucks are hunting. They're so wrapped up in the kids their guard is down. We'll take the armoury first and then kill anyone who disagrees."_

_"__What about the cop and his group?"_

_"__They'll join us or they'll die."_

_"__They're gonna fight us on this."_

_"__Then they'll fucking die!"_

_"__What about her?"_

_"__Leave her to me."_

It was getting dark when Daryl returned to the house. He came in the back door and nodded to Rick and Carl and headed upstairs. He knocked on her door but there was no answer. He went to walk away but stopped and opened it.

The three of them were asleep on the bed. Caitlin was curled up with her back against Essie's who was on her side with one arm over Finn who was curved into her stomach. He didn't know what to do; he didn't want to disturb them. A floorboard creaked under his weight and Essie opened her eyes.

"What time is it?" she squinted up at him.

"Late." he whispered.

"Where you about to leave?" and he nodded.

"Why?"

"You were asleep."

"I'm awake now." he sat on the edge of the bed and Finn rolled slightly towards him and whimpered. Daryl put his hand on the boy's side and he stopped.

"I need to take them to Deanna's." she whispered.

"Why?" he asked.

"That's where they're going to stay. They can't stay with me and there weren't many other places for them."

"They should be with you."

"What?" Essie looked at him with shock.

"They should be here."

"I can't look after them. I can barely look after myself." He shook his head and lightly pinched her chin.

"I can't look after them. I was responsible for Lawrence and look what happened to him."

"That weren't your fault. They need to be with you."

"Why do you have so much faith in me?" she searched his face.

"Easy to have faith in you."

"They're going to end up staying with me aren't they?" Essie sighed.

"Yeah."

"Marvellous." Caitlin woke up and stretched, then Finn woke up and saw Daryl looking down at him; he pulled the shark's tooth out of his pocket.

"Safe." he said and Daryl nodded to him.

"I'm hungry." said Caitlin.

"Me too." said Finn rubbing his eyes

"Me three." said Essie sitting up and scratching her head.

"Food's downstairs." Daryl rasped.

"Ok, everybody up" Essie said and pulled a reluctant Caitlin into a sitting position.

Finn needed to use the bathroom and whilst they waited outside, Caitlin stared at Essie.

"What are you staring at kid?" she asked.

"We're staying with you aren't we?" and Essie closed her eyes.

"Yes, you are staying with me but if you say I told you so, you're sleeping outside." Caitlin smiled and leaned up to Daryl and whispered, "I told her so."

Finn came out, "Did you wash your hands?" Essie asked and he nodded, "really?" she asked and he sighed and went back in.

They got to the bottom of the stairs and saw everyone else was at the table so she went to herd them into the kitchen.

"Where you going?" Abraham asked without looking over.

"We'll eat in the kitchen." Essie said.

"Why, you done somethin'?" he said.

"What?" Essie looked confused.

"When I was growing up, you only ate in the kitchen if you'd done somethin'. Room at this table." and he kicked out a chair, Michonne pulled out the chair next to her and Carl did the same. Nobody said anything else as Essie and the kids sat down. Daryl sat next to Rick and everybody started eating again.

Michonne put food on Caitlin and Finn's plate and Carl poured them some juice. Finn was staring around the table like he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"Eat." Rick said to him, "or you won't get dessert." so Finn picked up his spoon and began to plough his way through the mashed potato.

Essie shook her head and began to eat, people were so fucking surprising. She felt someone staring at her and she looked up and caught Carol's eye, Essie nodded and she reciprocated.

When the food was finished Michonne got Caitlin to help clear the table. Noah and Carl had got some toy cars and were keeping Finn amused. Essie went out onto the porch and Daryl joined her. He lit 2 cigarettes and passed one to her.

"Do you think this could work?" she asked.

"Yeah." he said simply.

"I could almost believe you." she said breathing out a cloud of smoke.

"You should."

She turned and leant against the balustrade, looking at him.

"You are dangerous." she said.

"Why?" he looked confused and a little hurt.

"Because you make me trust you and it's a long way down from here." and she took a step closer to him. She could feel his heat; it made her feel drunk; she couldn't do anything except let herself be drawn in.

He opened his mouth to speak but didn't get any further as Michonne came out to join them.

"Never teach that girl to play poker." she said and Essie smiled.

"So they staying here?" Michonne asked.

"For now, until I can make other arrangements. Oh shit, I need to tell Deanna they won't be staying over there before it gets any later." and she ran down the steps and across the street.

"She just can't stay still can she?" Michonne said to Daryl as they watched her go.

"Not ever." he said and she looked at him with surprise.

Essie knocked on the door and waited. She looked around the town; most of the houses were lit with candles or lamps giving a warm glow; except for her old house, that was in total darkness. She saw some movement in the kitchen window, there were 2 or 3 shadows moving in there. She wondered why they were sitting in the dark.

Reg opened the door, "Essie?" he said in surprise.

"Hey Reg, sorry to come so late but ummmm…"

"The kids are staying with you?" he finished.

"Yeah."

He bent down and picked up a bag and passed it to her.

"There's some clothes and toys in here."

"How'd you know I'd need it?"

"Well I thought it'd be 1 day, Deanna thought 2 days." and he turned to shout, "It wasn't even a day."

"I don't know what to say to that so I'm just going to go." and she walked back across the street.

"Hey can I help you with that?" and Essie turned to see Rhys jogging over to her.

"With this one bag that I can clearly carry? No thanks." she said but he just smiled at her.

"I was wondering if you wanted to uh…" he said.

"What?" she said.

"I don't know. It's not like I can invite you out for a coffee or a drink." and he ran his hands through his hair.

"Look Rhys. I have no interest in spending time with you, getting to know you, finding out that we both like old movies and red wine or that we both studied in Rome. I don't want to know about your classic car collection or your deep and abiding love of progressive jazz. But I tell you what, you get taken by a psychopath and put in a cage again, I'll make time to come and rescue you. How about that? Or even better, why don't you work really hard to make sure this town is safe?"

"So you studied in Rome?" he said.

"I will shoot you in the leg if you speak to me again." Essie said and walked away leaving him in the middle of the street, laughing.

"What did he want again?" asked Carol who was standing next to Daryl watching the scene unfold.

"To invite me out for coffee." she said witheringly.

"What did you say?" Carol said, not looking at Daryl.

"I said if he talked to me again I'd shoot him in the leg." and she walked into the house.

"Don't you worry Pookie, she'll shoot him if he speaks to her again." Carol said to Daryl.

"I ain't worried." Daryl said and nudged Carol with his elbow.

"Essie, Abraham says you cheat at cards, is that right?" Caitlin asked breathlessly as she walked through the door.

"I never cheat I just always win." Essie said.

"Can you teach me to always win?" she asked.

"Yes."

"When?"

"In about 5 years time, when you're old enough to make winning important."

"But it's important now."

"No."

"That's not fair." Caitlin moaned.

"I know." and Essie shrugged, "come and help me sort out what Deanna has given you and Finn." and she dumped the bag on the floor and Caitlin sat crossed legged and unzipped it.

"Deanna gave that to you?" Michonne asked.

"I'm as surprised as you. Well, Reg gave it to me actually but I presume she knew about it."

"Awwwwww, you're the teacher's pet." Michonne said, smiling evilly.

"I hate you." Essie said.

"You love me." Michonne answered.

"Essie?" said Finn, grabbing her round the waist and looking up at her.

"Finn. How can I help you?" she said.

"How old are you?"

"32 why?"

"I was just wondering."

"Ok. Can you let me go please? I've got stuff to do."

Finn bit his bottom lip as he thought about it.

"No." he said and Essie closed her eyes and sighed.

"Little man, at some point you are going to have to let me go." but he just shook his head.

"Ok champ. Time to learn a lesson." said Abraham and picked Finn up round the waist and tucked him under his arm like a rolled up carpet. Finn squealed with laughter.

"You don't wanna come on too strong with the ladies. You don't wanna smother them. You wanna let them come to you." he said swinging Finn round as he screamed with delight, "ain't that right men?"

"Oh yeah, that's right." said Glen as Maggie was nearly crying with laughter.

"It's always worked for me." said Noah.

"So what's in the bag?" Essie asked as Abraham propped Finn on his shoulder and walked through to the kitchen.

"Clothes, some books, a few toys." Caitlin said, sorting them into neat piles.

"Are you ok here, kid?" she asked, casually looking at the books.

"Yeah." Caitlin replied, "Essie?"

"Yes."

"Thank you."

"That's ok, kid. I'm glad you're here."

"Me too."

Essie carried a very sleepy Finn up to bed with Caitlin trailing behind, carrying the bag.

"Ok, let's get you into bed." she said.

"I don't have anything to sleep in." Caitlin said, rubbing her eyes. Essie laid Finn on the bed and pulled one of her brother's t-shirts out of the drawer.

"Here, wear this. It belonged to my brother, he'd be happy you've got it."

She tugged it over Caitlin's head and pulled the covers over both of them.

"I'm going back downstairs for a while. Go to sleep."

"Night Essie."

"Night." and she pulled the door half closed.

"You ok?" Rick asked as she walked into the kitchen.

"I have no idea what I'm doing." she said with her head on the counter.

"Nobody ever does." he said.

"That's not very comforting."

"It wasn't meant to be." and he walked out.

She put her head back on the counter and saw a cigarette slide under her hand. She looked up to see Daryl watching her. He opened the back door and they both slipped out.

He lit her cigarette then his own.

"So you're going the day after tomorrow?" she asked and he nodded.

"Do you want to take 2 kids with you?" and he shook his head.

"It was worth a try." and he rumbled out a laugh.

"I think I'm going to go to the woods tomorrow." she said.

"You sure?" he asked.

"I think I need to make sure I'm still…useful." she said.

"You think something's gonna happen?" he turned to face her.

"I always think something is going to happen."

"Hope for the best, expect the worst." he echoed her words from before.

"I'm finding myself hoping for the best more and more and it's making me nervous. I've been back 5 days and suddenly I'm…"

"Wanted." he finished and she looked at him in surprise.

"Jesus, you are so dangerous." she repeated.

"No more than you." he said and she felt her breath quicken. She felt herself teetering on the edge but not to fall into blackness, to reach up into the blue of the sky. She had a choice to make, to stay on the ground that she knew but that left her faded and grey or to step off into the unknown.

She stepped off.

She reached up and pressed her lips to his. This time it was not in grief or in relief at being back or in fear, it was because all of the ice inside her had finally melted revealing a bright, white fire. He responded with a fire of his own that burned as equal to hers.

She leant against the wall and pulled him with her. He braced his arm against the bricks and she curled her fist into his shirt. He pressed his body against hers and felt her breathe in and out.

Suddenly he pulled away.

"It's not right." he rumbled.

"Why?" Essie had never felt hunger like this.

"Not here, not now."

"What?"

"Kids are upstairs."

Essie sighed and put her head on his chest and then looked up to the sky.

"And now to complete the picture, he's classy and noble." she said.

She went up the stairs and lay on the tiny strip of bed the kids had left her; she lay awake for hours.

"I don't want to go to school." moaned Caitlin as she pulled on a sweater.

"And I don't care." Essie said as she tried to brush Finn's hair into something other than a mass of dark curls.

"Well, what are you doing today, can't I stay with you?"

"I'm going hunting in the woods, so no you can't"

"I don't need to go to school."

"Yes you do and I'll tell you for why. One, you don't want to grow up stupid. Two, you need to socialize with other kids, Sam, Jessie's son will be there, he's about your age. Three, you can scope out the other people here and tell me what you think. Four, I want some time to myself, I've got some things to think about and I can't do that with you two about." Essie sat on the edge of the bed and laced up her boots.

"What do you need to think about?" Caitlin asked as nonchalantly as she could.

"Don't worry kid, it's not about you guys. It's about…other things." and she smiled at the little girl who was watching her closely.

"Ok." sighed Caitlin, "but when you're ready to talk about it, you know where I am."

Essie raised her eyebrows, "Kid, you are too smart for your own good but thanks."

She dropped the 2 children off at the community centre that served as school. Finn had been reluctant to let her go but Jessie had lured him away with the promise of making a plasticine model and she waited until she saw he was settled before leaving. Caitlin had given her a thumbs up before she pushed open the door.

She stopped by the armory and checked out an M1 carbine rifle and a machete. Walking through the gates, she flipped a salute to Tara and disappeared into the woods.

The trees were almost bare and the floor was covered with the fallen leaves and autumn debris. making it impossible to keep silent. Essie walked for a while, enjoying the feeling of being absolutely alone. She bagged 3 rabbits but didn't see anything else.

**What's the plan?**

I'm just going to put one foot in front of the other.

**That's all?**

What else can I do?

**Start to live.**

How?

**Someone's coming.**

Who?

**Be ready.**

Lawrence?

She heard a crack to her left and swung round with the rifle raised. She saw nothing but there was another crack, closer this time. She backed up behind a tree and waited. The rustling became louder and she saw a stream of walkers moving aimlessly between the trees. They were spaced out but there were more than she knew she could manage. She retreated from them as quietly as she could and when she was far enough away she ran until she couldn't see them anymore.

She kept on running through the trees, leaping over rocks and roots, her legs burning and her lungs feeling like they would burst but she didn't stop.

She wasn't running from, she was running towards.

She got to the road and stopped, breathing hard with sweat pouring from her, she felt more alive than she ever had before. When she had caught her breath, she began to run again, her legs pounding on the tarmac and her hair, long since released from the band, streaming out behind her. She got to the gate and banged on it with her rifle. Tara heaved the gate open.

"What the hell happened to you?" she asked seeing Essie covered in sweat and breathing hard.

"The rabbits were feisty today." and she headed up the road.

Essie dumped her haul into Olivia's arms along with the rifle and walked off without a word. She peeled off her jacket and slung it over her arm, heading home. The woman who had offered to help rescue the kids was coming the other way.

"Hey." she said.

"Hi." replied Essie, not stopping.

"Good job rescuing those kids. Can I ask you something?" the woman said and Essie reluctantly stopped.

"What?" she said.

"Do you think this place is safe? We've been here over a month but I still don't feel safe here." the woman searched Essie's face for a reaction.

"Who are you again?" Essie asked.

"Laura." she replied.

"Laura, I'm not sure what would make you feel safe but just to remind you, you're not in a cage, you're not attached to a walker and you're not in immediate danger from a psychopath. I'd call that a win."

"But the people here seem oblivious to the dangers out there."

"Only some of them. Instead of talking about it, why don't you and your little troupe of lucky bastards work with the rest of them to make this place safe?"

"Don't you mean 'us'?"

"What?"

"You said 'them', don't you mean 'us'? I mean, you're part of this town aren't you?"

"I'm part of the 'mind your own fucking business' town. Work hard, keep this town safe, don't piss people off and I'm sure you'll do just fine here. If not you know where the gate is."

"It just seems that Deanna doesn't have any idea of what it's like outside the walls."

Essie narrowed her eyes at the woman.

"Do you know Laura, you're absolutely right. I should go and tell her that. I'm sure she'd really appreciate your input. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't relinquish control to you, who did so well out there. Who else amongst us can say that we spent quality time in a cage designed for dogs?"

"All I meant was that maybe the security could be tightened up. I know you work closely with Deanna, I thought you might be able to suggest it. Especially now we have the children to look after." Laura looked at the ground.

"What you think and what you know is worth less than shit to me." and Essie walked off instantly forgetting all about her, Laura stared after her.

Essie lifted her hair away from her neck where it was stuck with sweat, the wind wrapped its fingers around her and made her skin prickle and tighten. Her limbs felt loose and she could feel her blood pumping through her veins. She felt the beat of the earth through the soles of her feet. She breathed in the air and felt its chill in her lungs. Every part of her was heightened and amplified. She walked past Rhys who was talking with a group. He stopped mid sentence and watched as she moved, so did the others; it was as if she had suddenly been painted in Technicolor.

"Jesus Christ," said Tobin.

"Damn right." said Rhys.

She passed Deanna and Reg who were talking on their porch but she didn't see them.

"What the…?" said Reg.

"It seems Estella has woken up." said Deanna without any humour.

"She was asleep before?" Reg asked incredulously.

"Oh yes. If it was possible I would be requesting a tornado warning." Deanna crossed her arms and watched.

"What do you mean?' Reg turned to his wife.

"Before she was fighting for herself, now she has so much more than that. She's a force of nature. I just hope she's fighting for us or we're in trouble."

She felt like a kettle about to boil over. She'd been to the woods and that hadn't been enough, she'd run until she dripped with sweat and that hadn't been enough, she knew there was something that could satiate her but she didn't know what.

She went up to her room, not knowing where else to go but she paced up and down feeling like she was on fire, feeling like she was only lightly tethered to the world, any moment she could fly off into the blue or boil over; so much energy and nothing to expend it on.

She stood at the window and flexed her hands feeling the tendons and joints spark. The room was empty but it teemed with the words she had searched out to try and pin down what she was experiencing.

"I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight, hunting for you, for your hot heart…" she said out loud.

"What?" a voice growled from behind her and she spun round.

The doorway framed Daryl, staring at her staring at him; he filled the dark space, his hair falling across his face and his insouciant stance almost but not quite belied the desire in his eyes.

"Where you been?" he asked moving across the acres of ground between them.

"The woods." she said, watching him like a prize fighter watches their opponent.

"What'd you find?" he asked, stopping just beyond touching distance.

"Enlightenment." and she took a step forward, he matched her, they were almost touching.

"I never saw you coming." he murmured.

"Flip a coin." she whispered, "see which way I fall." and he gripped her arms and moved his face very close to hers, breathing her in. He stroked her cheek with his, still holding her arms. She tried to break his grip but he kept her there and she knew how strong he was. He ran his lips over her face and down to her neck, she tilted her head exposing her skin and he bit very gently.

"Mmh." he growled, "salt." he could feel her breath burning him and her arms straining against his hands. He let her go.

"Fuck this slow dance." she said and he saw her eyes grow huge. She moved and pressed her face into his neck, biting and not as gently as he had done, she held his face with her other hand and he felt how hot she was. His hands went under her vest and her muscles shuddered under his touch. She moved backwards, taking him with her until her legs hit the bed and they both folded downwards.

She lifted her arms up and he pulled her top over her head, she stripped him of his shirt. She ran her hands over his chest and shoulders but this was no tentative exploration. They knew each other better now. He traced down her breastbone and across her ribs, she laced her fingers through his hair.

"Not enough!" she gasped and brought him back up and explored his mouth with hers whilst their hands fumbled with the rest of their clothes. She wrapped her legs around him and they moved together with a hunger neither of them knew was possible.

"Oh God!" he gasped.

"He can't help you now." she whispered and flipped him onto his back. She leant over him and held his arms down, driving him to the edge.

"Look at me!"

They broke together and she collapsed over him, he locked his arms around her and they breathed together.

He lay with his head on her chest and she ran her nails lightly over his shoulder. The sun had begun to dip low in the auburn sky. She let out a laugh.

"What?" he murmured sleepily.

"I'm going to have to pick the kids up very soon, which is something I never thought I'd say, ever."

He rumbled out a laugh.

"Time's changed." he said.

"That is definitely the truth." she replied and pushed him gently. She sat up and swung round to sit on the side of the bed. Hastily pulling on her top, he moved to do the same.

When they were both dressed, Essie began straightening the bed.

"Fuck's sake." she groaned, "when did I become a person who straightens a bed right after really good sex?"

"Hey." said Jessie.

"Hey, how were they?" Essie asked, hoping like hell she didn't look as good as she felt.

"They were fine. You look…different. Did you find what you were looking for in the woods?"

"I think I did." replied Essie, opening her arms as Finn ran into them and she picked him up, Caitlin joined them and smiled up at her, "hey little man, have you had a good day?"

He nodded and then said, "Why is your shirt inside out?"

Jessie looked at her with a knowing look and walked away smiling. Caitlin looked up at her and raised an eyebrow.

"Don't say a word kid."


	21. Chapter 21

**Thank you so much for reading this chapter and sticking with the story. I always appreciate the comments and so forth. This is a 'setting up' chapter, bigger things are to come. I can't wait for October, not in an "I can't wait for holidays" way; I am physically incapable of waiting for the new series in October! **

When you hear the guns fire, don't listen

"Are you going to miss Daryl while he's away?" Caitlin asked as she pulled her hair into a ponytail.

"No." replied Essie.

"Why not?"

"Because that's how this world works. He's got a job to do, so do I."

"How long will he be gone?"

"I don't know."

"When will he be back?"

"Your previous question negates that one. Look kid, get ready."

Essie thought about her answers as she walked the kids to the community centre. She'd been honest, she wouldn't miss him. It really wasn't how this world worked. If you went around thinking about all the people you would miss, you'd fall apart in a day. You had to expunge all sentiment; it would get you killed or drive you mad.

She saw Finn looking at something in his hand.

"You ok?" she asked. He held up the shark's tooth.

"I'm going to miss Daryl." he said.

"No offence little man but you haven't known him that long and he doesn't speak all that much. What is there to miss?" she was surprised when he looked up at her with something approaching anger.

"I'm going to miss him." he repeated.

"I'm sorry." she said, kneeling in front of him, "I'm pretty sure he's difficult to kill, he'll be back very soon." Finn nodded as if he already knew that and walked off.

Essie stood up and breathed out, this whole new life thing was going to be tougher than she thought.

She greeted Deanna and Reg and walked into the office. She stopped. Something wasn't right. She couldn't quite put her finger on it but she was sure something had changed; she poked her head out of the door.

"Deanna, have you been into the office?"

"I went in yesterday afternoon to look over the latest inventory list. Why?"

"Did you touch the contingency planning section?"

"No, I said I looked at the inventory." Deanna came into the room.

"What's wrong?"

Essie put her hands on her hips and breathed in, "I'm not sure. Something is wrong here. Something's changed."

"I can't see anything that has changed, are you sure?" Deanna looked around the room.

"No I'm not." Essie closed her eyes and opened them again. Deanna beckoned Reg into the office and they both stood in silence.

"Reg, where's your print of The Woman after the Rapture?" Essie asked quietly.

"It's where it's always been, propped against the wall on the desk…" he stopped and walked over to the desk; the print was face down as if it had been knocked over.

"When did you last look at it?" Essie asked, still quietly.

"I don't remember, I thought about putting it away when you came back but then I left it. That was about a week ago. I haven't touched it since."

"That's not the only thing that's changed." Essie moved towards the window.

"Have you changed the way anything is organized whilst I was away?"

"No, everything is the same as it's always been." Deanna answered.

"So the inventories are still in chronological order and the plans are still in situation groupings?" she was almost talking to herself. She gently leafed through the files and stopped.

"The plan for if the town is attacked from the inside is gone." she said, standing up and looking at Deanna, "someone's been in here. They also went through your desk."

"But one of us has been here all day yesterday and today." Reg said, taking his glasses off and looking concerned.

"This is a big house, your door is always open. Someone's been here." Essie repeated.

"It's probably been put somewhere else. There's no need to worry." said Deanna.

"Then you find it and prove me wrong, I will happily accept that. I'm going to speak to Rick." Essie said, staring hard at the woman.

"There's no need to tell Rick." Deanna said, dismissively. Essie moved to stand in front of her, too close.

"When you finally have to wake up, and one day you will, you will be devastated at how stupid you are right now. Until that day, you better thank your lucky stars that you have me." she whispered.

"And you're sure it's gone?" Rick asked as Essie sat back and watched him and Michonne.

"Unless Deanna is wrong and the filing system has been changed, it's gone. But it's not just the file, someone went through the desk. And…I don't know…things just didn't look right." Essie ran her hands through her hair in frustration.

"Don't take this the wrong way but are you sure you're not seeing shadows where there aren't any?" Michonne asked.

"I don't know, maybe. Shit, I hope you're right but I also hope you're wrong." Essie sighed.

"I'll check out the office and we'll keep an eye out for anything unusual but until we get something more, there's not a lot we can do." Rick said, staring at Essie who nodded unhappily.

_"__This plan is good."_

_"__But how many people do you think have actually looked at it?"_

_"__Not many. Do you know there were over 23 files for every kind of situation? It didn't look like they'd ever been read."_

_"__Well thank fuck they're so stupid."_

_"__Not all of them."_

_"__They'll come around to our way of thinking or they'll be killed with the rest of them."_

_"__I think you are underestimating them."_

_"__They've been here too long. They're weak; they're forgetting what it's like out there. Taking this town will be easy."_

_"__You better be right. We've got one shot at this."_

_"__It's all we need."_

Essie sat on the porch and stared into space. She knew something wasn't right, she could feel it. But she knew it was too much to ask people to put trust in a feeling. She stared across to her old house. The curtains were drawn and there was no movement. She tapped her fingers on the wooden boards. The gate opened and the scouting party came through; it looked like they had a good haul for once. She noticed Rhys in the group, laughing and joking with Noah. He spotted her, passed his rifle to Aidan and walked over to her. She felt her hackles go up, what was this man's problem?

"Hi." he said standing at the bottom of the steps and looking up at her.

"Go away before I shoot you." she said.

"Ok, well before you do that, I found something you might like." and he opened his rucksack and pulled out a full, sealed pack of 5 boxes of cigarettes and handed them to her.

"I don't want your cigarettes, I don't want to talk to you. I don't understand why you don't understand that." Essie stared him straight in the eye

"And I don't understand why you feel like that." he said, "I've been nothing but well mannered towards you."

"How did you get captured by Luka." she asked.

"What?" he gaped at her.

"How did you, a grown man who appears quite capable, get captured by a psychopath?"

"Why do you keep asking me about that?" he said with no trace of a smile.

"Why are you avoiding answering?" she said

He climbed the steps and sat next to her.

"I'm from Louisiana. I left as soon as it got bad, headed for Washington with a group of other survivors. We found an abandoned FEMA station and stayed there for the winter and most of the summer. We did pretty well until people started to get sick. We thought it was cholera but we couldn't be sure. People died very quickly and then they turned. It was…" he didn't finish but unwrapped the cellophane and opened a pack of cigarettes. She pulled her lighter out of her pocket and lit 2 of them, passing one back to him, he nodded his thanks and then continued.

"The few of us that survived left but that summer was…deadly. Most of the group died. The dead picked us off one by one until it was only me. I was heading towards a place called Terminus, there were signs all over the Georgia train tracks but before I got there…Luka's men grabbed me."

"For what?" Essie watched him take a drag from the cigarette.

"That's just it, I don't know. I never knew. I was there for months and I never knew why he took people. He would take some of the others sometimes and they would never come back and they would be replaced but he never DID anything with us. It was like we were his collection."

"Why didn't you try to escape?" she asked.

"Because, in the end, I felt safer in that cage than I did out there, " and he gestured beyond the wall.

"Jesus." she said and stubbed her cigarette out.

"And then I saw you, covered in blood, rampaging through that warehouse. God, you were more frightening than Luka. When you released us from those cages, I was petrified. But then Rick and the others started fighting…I thought I was going to die. When that place exploded it felt like that was the end, I knew I couldn't survive in the woods again. Then we came here, to this…this paradise and I felt like it might be possible to make this place work. We're all working to make sure the walls keep standing, the pantry is always stocked, there's a watch at all times. We're even making sure that there's a standing army of us ready to fight should the time come."

Essie straightened up "You know what Rhys? I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For being hard on you."

"That's ok, I can understand. But I promise you; we are going to do everything possible to make sure this town in safe from the outside world. Everything!"

"That's good. It's what we are all working towards."

"So…can I talk to you again sometime, you know you could come over for dinner, tonight maybe, it'll just be you and me, the others are busy?"

"Ummm Rhys, I…I'm glad we had this talk but I am not interested in anything other than talking with you. I'm still settling back into the town and with the kids coming here and…well I'm just not interested in you in that way." she finished.

"Oh ok, no problem. I guess I can come on a bit strong but you know this world doesn't really suit long courtships." he said smiling.

"It's not a courtship." she said definitely.

"I get it. I really do but you are a cultured woman I can tell, through all that fighting and violence. You'll get bored of him very soon and then you know where I am." and he ran his hand through his hair and smiled at her.

"Excuse me?" she gaped at him with an open mouth.

"Well you're sleeping with that guy, the one with the motorbike and the bad attitude? But from what I can tell he's barely literate. I'm not judging, no way, all I'm saying is that when it wears off, I'm across the road."

"Get the fuck off my porch you piss weasel." she almost whispered it but the venom was palpable.

"What?" he looked shocked.

"Did I fucking stutter? Get the fuck off my porch." she repeated.

"Jesus, you're a crazy bitch, you know that? You could have been a part of this but not now." and he walked away. She watched him go through narrowed eyes, picked up the box of cigarette packets and went inside.

Rick was talking to Carl in the kitchen and they both turned as she came in.

"We've got a big problem." she said.

"What is it?" Rick asked.

"They're planning to take over the town."

She waited until Carol, Michonne and the others arrived and explained the whole conversation she'd had with Rhys.

"But that doesn't explain how you know they are planning a take over." said Carol.

"He used the phrase 'standing army'. That's one of the key elements of the plan I put together against a hostile take over of the town. I argued that we needed a trained 'standing army' of residents to ensure that any danger from inside the walls could be dealt with."

"It's a fairly common phrase." said Glen.

"You're right, it is if you're talking about politics or history or defense but he was talking about all the things he and his group were doing to keep the town safe, it's too specific to be a coincidence. He's read the plan and the only way he could have done that is if he took it." Essie looked at the faces of the only people she trusted.

"I don't know Essie, I mean it's pretty vague." Rick stared at her.

"I agree but it's…I don't know…I've got a feeling that something is going to happen."

"She might not be wrong." Abraham rubbed his hand over his face, "a couple of them are working on the construction crew. They work real hard but there's something off about them. They don't mix with the others, they're always off talking in groups. I saw one of them taking notes about the strength of the wall panels the other day. Essie's right, something ain't right with them."

"What can we do?" asked Maggie.

"Strike first." said Essie.

"I agree." said Carol.

"Now hold on." said Rick, "we can't just go and deal with this, we need to talk to Deanna first. We're not trusted yet, you know that. We need to be completely sure before we do anything else. We need proof."

"How do we get proof?" Noah asked.

"We need to get into the house." Essie said, "if we find the plans then we can take them to Deanna, it's proof that they took them."

"They could just as easily say we took them." said Maggie.

"Not if we take one of the residents with us when we find them." Essie said.

"But who?" Glen asked.

"Jessie?" said Essie, reluctantly.

"No!" said Rick quickly, "it's too dangerous."

"Aaron would have been the perfect choice" said Rosita.

"They're not due back for days." Glen sighed in frustration.

"Eric?" said Essie.

"I don't know, is he trusted enough?" asked Carol.

"Probably not." Essie listed the residents in her head but couldn't think of anyone.

"How far do you think Aaron and Daryl have got?" Carol said.

"About 20, 30 miles maybe." said Abraham.

"We need to get them back, we don't know how bad this is going to get." Carol looked at Rick, who nodded.

"I'll go." Carol said, "I won't be missed as much."

"I'll come with you." said Glen.

"You'll need a car." Essie said, "How will you get one of those without being noticed?"

"Glen's taking me to visit the church where Ed and I got married. I need to see it one more time." Carol said.

"You were married?" Essie asked, looking shocked but Carol silenced her with a stare.

"Will they believe that?" asked Maggie?

"It's the best story we got." said Abraham.

"Ok, but you've got less than a day to find them. Do you know if they went east or west?" Rick looked at Maggie.

"West." she replied.

"Go and see Deanna now. Say you wanna leave first thing in the morning and we'll just hope that they're not planning anything for tonight. We'll keep watch." Rick looked at them and they nodded, "Tara, Noah you take first watch now, it'll be dusk soon."

Essie nodded and then looked out of the window.

"Shit, I've got to go and pick up Caitlin and Finn."

"Go and pick them up. Bring them straight back here. Carl, go with her."

Essie and Carl walked towards the school.

"You ok?" he asked her.

"No I'm not. But I will be." she answered.

"You know that my dad won't let this happen." he said and she smiled at him.

"Neither will I."

_"__You stupid fuck."_

_"__What!?"_

_"__Tell me exactly what you said to her."_

_"__I told you! I didn't say anything that could give us away."_

_"__They're smart! I'm going to sort this shitstorm out. Stay away from her!"_

_"__They don't know anything!"_

_"__Do as I say and stay away from her! Shit, you're so fucking stupid."_

Carl pushed open the door to the community centre and Essie walked through; she searched the room for Caitlin and Finn and froze. Laura was standing talking to Jessie with Finn in her arms.

"Get Caitlin." she said to Carl and walked towards Laura.

"Hi." she said.

"Hi." replied Laura, "I hope you don't mind but I couldn't resist giving him a cuddle, he's so cute." She didn't put him down, Essie smiled.

"It's amazing that you rescued them all. This world is so dangerous for kids, they could so easily have died." Laura was staring at Essie.

"It was a group effort." Essie replied.

"They are so precious. You seem really attached to them and so quickly, at least you know you can keep them safe."

"I can" Essie said.

"As long as you don't do anything stupid like blowing up a building or taking on an army of killers." Laura laughed and so did Jessie but she looked worried.

"I never do anything stupid." Essie reached out and took Finn from Laura.

"You ok little man?" she asked and he nodded.

"Ok well I better get back. Bye Finn, see you soon." and Laura walked away.

"Jessie, listen to me and don't ask any questions. Get Sam, go home, lock your doors and don't go out tonight."

"What? Why?" Jessie looked petrified.

"Do as I say. I'll explain when I can." Carl waved at Essie from the other side of the room with Caitlin and she felt relief wash over her.

They walked back to the house and saw Carol and Maggie leaving Deanna's house, Maggie's arm was round Carol's shoulder and she was wiping tears away. Even in this situation, Essie marveled at Carol, if they got through this she was going to sit down and have a long conversation with her.

"Ok?" asked Essie as they joined them.

"All set." said Maggie.

"We leave at first light." Carol said.

"I think the warehouse people suspect something. This is going to go bad and fast. We just have to get through tonight." Essie looked down at the kids and felt her stomach twist with something like fear.


	22. Chapter 22

**Hopefully I've managed to make this quite tense. It's so clear in my head, like it's on television but finding the right words is hard! But not as hard as actual work, hurray. As always thanks for reading and please let me know what you think if you can.**

When you hear the guns fire, don't listen

The sky blackened.

They kept the lights on and the curtains open, everything was normal. Only it wasn't. No one talked, no one laughed. Two people watched the opposite house at all times. The others sat or stood, ready to move at a moment's notice. Essie sat in the window and watched as the moon rose about the tree line. She didn't feel anything; she coiled in on herself and became the weapon.

She thought back to a beach in Wales she had visited when her mother had joined yet another commune. There were outcrops of petrified wood, millions of years old underneath the black cliffs, frozen and unaffected by time. She was like that forest, petrified not by fear but by time, untouchable and unchangeable during that long night.

By midnight most of the town was asleep, they turned out the lights, the house opposite was in darkness, shuttered against the observers in the dark. Rick was on watch with Maggie, Rosita returned from checking upstairs.

"Movement!" he said and the others instantly galvanised.

"2 moving up to the top of the street." Maggie pointed.

"I've got 1 moving towards the gate." Essie added.

"Michonne, Abraham, you're with me." Rick said, "Tara, Glen you take the one heading for the gate. Everyone else you stay here, make sure no one else makes a move."

Rosita, Carol and Carl moved to the back of the house, Noah and Eugene stayed by the front door and Essie went to the first floor.

She stood in the shadows at the end of the hallway and waited. She could hear her own breathing, feel the others downstairs. The house creaked a little and perhaps the wind disturbed the trees outside. Nothing else, the silence was black and heavy. She breathed in and out.

An explosion shattered the silence and she saw the red bloom light up the walls in Michonne's bedroom.

"Fire!" shouted Rosita.

"Go!" replied Essie, "Noah, stay by the front door, I'll stay here. Lock the back door and go!" she stood at the top of the stairs looking over, desperate for them to stay.

The back door slammed shut and she heard Noah snick the lock into place. There were shouts and screams filtering through.

"Essie?" Caitlin stood at the top of the stairs, rubbing her eyes.

"There's been an explosion in one of the empty houses, everyone has gone to make sure it doesn't spread. If there is anything to worry about, I will come and tell you." she said and the girl nodded and went back to bed. She saw Noah by the front door, he looked up at her and nodded. Looking out of the bedroom window, she saw most of the townspeople running towards the burning building, she was gratified to see it was not the half finished doll's house she liked so much. She breathed in and out.

A noise downstairs made her spine stiffen. Halfway between a thump and a crash, her hand went to the knife on her belt and she moved silently into the shadowed hallway. Another thump. She breathed in and out.

Slipping between the light and the dark, she looked over the stairs. Noah was lying on the floor, sprawled and still. She closed her eyes as listened. The back door was open, she could feel the change in the air. Someone was moving about in the kitchen, they were quiet but not quiet enough. She moved back up the hallway towards the stairs to the attic. She passed one bedroom and heard the bottom step creak, they were coming closer. She slid into the open doorway and waited. In her mind's eye, she could see the figure moving up the stairs, their hand skimming the rail, watching where they put their feet and trying not to make a sound. A second creak told her they were almost at the top. She had the knife in her hand, she breathed in and out.

A hand clamped over her mouth from behind and another twisted the knife until she dropped it. She threw her head back but didn't connect. She couldn't breath. Lashing out with her foot, she caught them on the shin but they didn't let go. She couldn't breathe. An arm went round her neck, cutting off her air. She saw a figure walk past the door and up towards the attic. She tried to call out but there was no sound. For a moment the pressure was released on her throat. Something heavy connected with the back of her head and nothing. She wasn't breathing.

Caitlin waited by the door, the stereo in her hands. It was the only thing she could find as a weapon. The handle turned and she raised it above her head. The door opened and saw the barrel of the pistol.

"Hello Caitlin. Put that down or I will shoot you in the leg."

Caitlin slowly lowered the stereo.

"Where's your brother?"

"Go to hell." she replied.

"Where is your brother?"

"Gone, you'll never find him."

"I was supposed to kill anyone I saw but I think I've got another use for you."

"Essie will kill you." Caitlin stared at the figure.

"That bitch is dead, no one will come for you."

Caitlin narrowed her eyes, "You'll die screaming" she said and the figure hit her across the face, knocking her out.

Lost in the fog, Essie couldn't feel the blood in her veins. It was too late to go home. The hollow feeling grew and the fog thickened around her. There was no voice, no song in the still air. There was no Joni Mitchell guiding her back. She was alone. There was a brief break in the thick mist but it closed back over. She waded further into the grey. Another break and a flash of sun, the mist was not so thick now. A voice muttered through. Another flash.

**"****Wake up. You're not done yet."**

"Come on. Breathe!"

A pressure on her chest then release again and again.

"Breathe!"

The fog thinned.

She inhaled, gasping like a drowning man.

"Ok. It's ok. Just breathe. Breathe. Slowly."

"Jesus, that was close." Abraham raked his hands over his face.

Someone smoothed her hair from her face and she opened her eyes. Rick sat back on his heels and hung his head in relief. They'd raced back to the house when they realised the fire was deliberately set as a diversion. Seeing the back door open, they'd found Noah unconscious but alive. Racing upstairs, they saw Essie lying in a pool of blood not breathing. Whilst Michonne, Rosita and Glen had checked the rest of the house, Rick had begun CPR. Her lips were blue; he'd started chest compressions but could see the look in Carol's eye. She thought it was too late.

"Kids?" Essie croaked.

Rick shook his head, "I'm sorry, they're not here. What do you remember?"

"Noah? Judith?" she croaked again.

"She's asleep. He's fine, in better shape than you. What do you remember?" he repeated.

"Two of them. One behind…other came up the stairs." she tried to sit up but Carol pressed her shoulder down.

"Do you know who it was?" Carol asked.

Essie shook her head slightly then fell back.

"One who…got me was…male. The fire!"

"They set it deliberately as a diversion. I think they wanted to get to the armoury but we got there too quick and then the others started to arrive. They didn't have a chance."

"Any of the others see who it was?" Essie brushed Carol's hand away and struggled upright. She put her hand up to her head and it came away bloody, her shoulder was hurting and the room dipped. She felt nausea rising in her throat. She knew she'd been close but she'd been pulled back and now the fury flowed through her, stronger than the pain and the fear. She knew what she had to do.

"No, some of them suspect but there was no proof." Rick steadied her.

"Fuck that. We need to find the kids, they could still be in the town!"

"We can't without telling Deanna and they're frightened and panicked. This could get even worse." he didn't look her in the eye.

"Then I'll do it myself." she got to her knees but got no further, unable to stand.

"We will find Caitlin and Finn but we need to be smart."

"And what would you do if it was Carl or Judith?" she said, making him meet her eye.

He didn't answer.

"You'd rip this fucking town apart. Well, that's what I'm going to do. You can either help me or you can get out of my way." she struggled to her feet and held onto the door frame.

"Rick!" shouted Michonne from the attic. Holding onto Carol, Essie limped up the stairs.

"Shit. You're alive?" she asked, seeing Essie covered in blood.

"For now." Essie answered.

"There's someone in the crawl space." Michonne said and they walked into Essie's bedroom where Glen and Rosita where watching the ceiling with their knives ready.

"Wait!" Essie looked at the space, "it's too small for an adult." She tried to reach up but couldn't. Rick stood on a chair and opened the hatch.

"Hey Finn." he said gently, "come on, Essie's here. You're safe." They heard a shuffling and Finn dropped into Rick's arms. Essie nearly stopped breathing again. Rick set him down and he ran to Essie who had dropped to her knees.

"Little man, my little man." she held him close as he sobbed.

"You're bleeding." he said.

"I'm ok. You're ok, so I'm ok." she whispered, "where's Caitlin?"

"She took her. She hit her and then she took her. She said you were dead. I thought you were dead." his voice rose to a wail and she held him closer.

"Who, little man? Who took her?"

"The woman you talked to yesterday." Finn said and then buried his head in her neck again. Essie looked up at the group.

"Laura." she said.

"You need to find them as quick as you can." Rick said as Carol got behind the wheel and Glen closed the passenger door.

"What if Deanna and the others ask you where we are?" Carol asked.

"We stick to the story. We need to act as normal as possible. As far as the town is concerned there was a fire that didn't spread. They don't know about Laura and the others." Rick looked over at the house.

"Where are the rest of the warehouse group now?" Glen asked.

"Most of them are helping with the clean up from the fire." Rick looked back at his own house.

"Keep her contained until we get back." Carol said.

"I'll try." Rick replied, "but hurry."

Rosita cleaned the tear on the back of Essie's head. Noah was sitting on the sofa with a wet towel on his neck.

"I'm sorry." he said.

"It's not your fault. I heard you lock the door." she answered, not flinching as Rosita wiped the congealed blood away.

"They must have had a key, there's no sign they forced it." Michonne came through from the kitchen.

"Jesus, they must have been preparing for this since before you came back." Noah said.

"It's a nasty cut, you need to be careful, and there's probably some concussion." Rosita said but Essie ignored her and stood up. Rick came back inside.

"They're gone."

Essie strapped put the knife back on her belt and rolled her shoulder that was still burning.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"To find her." she said, moving towards the door.

"You're not going anywhere. We need to come up with a plan, wait for Carol and Glen to get back." he stood in front of her.

"You can wait. I'm going to find my kid." but he moved closer to her, blocking her from the door.

"We wait." he said.

"Move." she whispered, Abraham and Michonne moved slightly behind Essie, ready.

"We wait." he repeated.

"Get the fuck out of my way." she stared him down but he nodded to the others behind her and they held her as Rick got cable ties from his pocket.

"Let me go!" Essie struggled but couldn't break free.

"I'm sorry." Rick said as he cable tied her hands behind her back.

"You think this will stop me?" she asked as she was frog marched between them.

"No, but it might slow you down long enough for us to plan." he said. Maggie pulled a chair through to the living room and Rick looped another cable tie through the back and sat Essie down and attached her hands.

"When we've decided what we do and Carol and Glen are back, I'll let you go." he said but she remained silent.

Carol and Glen sped through the empty roads, heading west.

"They could be anywhere." said Glen.

"Then we look everywhere." answered Carol.

"Will Rick be able to hold onto her?" he asked. Carol glanced quickly at him and then returned her attention to the road.

"Not even close." she said.

"Speed up." Glen said and Carol put her foot down.

Essie closed her eyes. She'd promised Caitlin that she would keep her safe and she'd failed. She thought back to what Daryl had said, that she would be the best person to look after them. He'd been wrong. She'd let Lawrence die and now she'd lost Caitlin. After she had made them pay with their lives, she'd find someone else to look after them and then she'd concentrate on never letting this happen again. No more sentiment, no more softness; she would become like stone. She'd make them pay.

Time passed.

Carol slowed as they drove through the abandoned town. There was no sign of anything living or dead. They passed burnt out shops and homes and turned into a large parking lot next to a half demolished warehouse.

"There!" said Glen pointing down the side of the building. Carol saw a patchwork car and a bike parked by a row of blackened portakabins. She pulled up behind them and turned the engine off.

They walked round the side of the warehouse but couldn't see anybody. They passed more charred buildings and vehicles.

"What the hell?" said a voice and Aaron appeared from the back of a wrecked truck with a number plate in his hand.

"You've got to come back." said Glen without any greeting or introduction.

"Why?" said Aaron, getting the keys out of his pocket.

"Where's Daryl"

"He's scouting the other side of the compound." Aaron replied with a panicked and surprised look at Carol's direct question. He gave three loud whistles and they waited until Daryl ran round the corner.

"They've got Caitlin." Carol said directly to him.

"Essie?" he asked.

"She's contained for now." she said and, without another word, he got to his bike and sped out back towards Alexandria with the others struggling to keep up.

Essie twisted round to see where the rest of the group were but they were in the kitchen out of sight. She strained her hands and shoulders and reached into her back pocket and pulled out a small blade. She began sawing through the ties, all the while watching to see if anyone came through. She cut through the last of the plastic, rubbed some feeling back into her hands, picked up her knife from the table, silently opened the door and slipped out.

When Noah came in to check on her it was too late. She was gone.


	23. Chapter 23

**Hello, hello. Sorry this has been a while, I've been laid up with a miserable kidney infection that was joined by very interesting fever dreams and an inability to get out of bed – totally rubbish. I hope you enjoy this instalment and, as always, please let me know what you think if you can. Thanks for all of the kind reviews.**

When you hear the guns fire, don't listen.

Daryl twisted the grip and he felt the surge of power as the carburettor drew in fuel. He knew what would happen, she would raze the town to the ground if anything had happened to the kid and he would do it with her but… And this was where he surprised himself, but things were different now. Everyone had a chance in Alexandria, not just to survive but also to live. If Essie were to destroy the town it would mean they would be back on the road and all the dangers that entailed. If she didn't find the kid, if the worst happened and if the town were to see what she was really capable of, they would exile her. They were not ready to reconcile their understanding of the world with what the group knew it to be and Essie embodied the new world.

He would not lose her again but he wanted to be with her somewhere there was a chance to make it out the other side. He'd never thought about having someone, even before, but with her he had no choice. He was with her and she was with him and this is what he knew, without doubt or question, she'd stepped inside his soul and now they were each other's shadows, he wasn't afraid. But he knew her, knew what she was capable of and she would die before conceding defeat in anything. It was a very thin line to walk and he knew she couldn't do it. He twisted the grip further.

"I can't see her!" said Rosita coming back into the kitchen.

"Shit!" said Rick, running his hands through his hair.

"God and all His angels can't help them now." said Abraham.

"God is a construct created by humans to enable them to understand the natural world and as a vehicle to contain hopes and fears, He is not real." said Eugene, "but I agree that if there was an omniscient being able to manipulate events here on Earth, they would not be able to help whoever Essie is gunning for right now."

"We need to find her before she finds them." Maggie looked at Rick.

Essie opened the door to the armoury; Olivia and Tobin were there.

"Hey Essie, did you see…" Olivia did not get to finish.

"I need a Glock and 2 magazines now." Essie stared through them.

"Are you going hunting?" Tobin asked.

"Something like that." Essie said in a monotone.

Olivia signed it out to her and passed her the ammunition; Essie slid the magazine home and pocketed the other one. She went to leave without another word but turned back.

"Just remember I didn't punch you this time." and Olivia looked shocked.

Essie walked up towards the fire damaged building neither seeing or hearing anything or anyone until the preacher stepped virtually in front of her.

"Where are you going?" he asked and she seemed to see him for the first time.

"To talk."

"Talk to who?"

"The person who has the answer to my question."

"You have a gun." he gave her a frightened look.

"One day the meek shall inherit the earth, yes?" she looked Gabriel in the eye for the first time and he flinched. He had expected her eyes to be dead and cold like a killer's eyes should be but hers burned with a fire. He nodded.

"Not today." she said and continued walking. Gabriel hurried to tell Deanna, this town was no place for someone like Essie.

Many of the townspeople were clearing the fire damage including some from the warehouse, Laura and Rhys were not amongst them. She stopped a few yards away from them. She raised the Glock and fired 2 rounds into the air; people screamed and began to move.

"Stay where you are!" she shouted and fired again, everyone froze.

"You!" she pointed at the warehouse people, "You stay, everyone else leave." No-one moved but stared at her with frightened eyes.

"Now!" and she fired again, they scattered, most running towards Deanna's. Jessie stayed where she was.

"Essie! What are you doing?" she cried.

"Go home."

"What's happening?" she repeated.

"Jessie, go!" Even in the midst of her rage, she did not want her friend to see this but Jessie stayed.

The warehouse people were frozen to the spot; Essie trained her gun on them.

"We're going to have a talk. If you lie to me I will shoot you. Where is Laura?" None of them answered, she fired at the ground in front of them and they screamed.

"Where is Laura?" she repeated.

"We don't know." said a man of about 40, she didn't recognise him, she sighted the gun at him.

"Stop!" shouted Deanna. After Gabriel had breathlessly told her what he had seen, she and Reg had ran outside to see Rick and the group running towards the site of the fire and everyone else running away. They had arrived at the same time to see Essie with a loaded gun trained on the group of warehouse survivors.

"Tell me where she is or I will shoot you." Essie repeated, she wasn't shouting, he voice was deathly quiet, it was somehow worse.

"Jesus, we don't know where she is or where she took the kid." he said with his hands up.

"I didn't mention any kid." whispered Essie and tilted her head to one side.

They arrived at the gate but it didn't open. Daryl paced up and down whilst Glen and Aaron shouted and banged on the solid metal but no one came. They heard shots fired and Daryl threw himself against the gate. Suddenly it slid open to reveal Carl heaving it aside. They burst through and began to run towards the screams.

"Essie's right, she never mentioned a kid." said Jessie to Deanna.

"Put the gun down." ordered Deanna but Essie ignored her and slowly moved towards the warehouse group.

"Drop it!" shouted Rick but was equally ignored.

"Estella, please put the gun down." Essie stopped when she heard Reg's voice; she turned but did not lower the gun.

"They set the fire, they're trying to take over the town. Laura's got Caitlin." Essie said to him.

"This is not the way." Reg said.

"If I had my way I would burn this town down to find her…if I had my way. But I don't have my way so this is the next best thing." Essie stared at him and then turned back to the warehouse group.

"Where has she gone?" Essie pointed to the talker.

"Fuck you, I'm not saying shit. You won't shoot me." he said to her

Daryl and Glen arrived just ahead of Carol and Aaron. Essie turned for a split second but then turned back.

"You're right, I won't shoot you." she smiled at the talker and then shot the woman next to him in the thigh, she dropped to the ground screaming in agony, "I'll shoot her instead. So I'm going to ask you again, where is Laura?"

"You fucking shot her! She doesn't know anything, you fucking bitch!" he screamed.

"But you do and the next time you don't answer my question I will shoot her again." Essie smile stayed place.

"Stop this!" shouted Deanna and turned to Rick, "Stop her." Rick looked at Essie and realised that he would do exactly the same thing if he were in her place.

"No." he said, "they tried to take over the town, they would have killed you, they tried to kill her last night and she stopped them. They've got Caitlin." Deanna knew it was impossible to stop Essie without Rick's help.

"I don't know where she's taken the kid, I swear!" the talker said, staring at the woman next to him, rolling on the ground and bleeding profusely.

"Where's Rhys?" she said.

"He was in the house, that was the last place I saw him I swear to God!" the talker was terrified.

"You better hope he's still there." Essie said and walked back past Deanna and the others. Daryl looked at Rick, who nodded. Essie had got halfway there before Daryl caught up with her, he didn't say anything and neither did she.

She opened the door quietly and went in with her gun raised. The house felt empty; there wasn't a sound, not even a creak. They searched the kitchen, the living room and then went upstairs. Essie went into Lawrence's bedroom but there was no sign of anyone, Daryl checked the bathroom and they met in the hallway. He indicated to her old bedroom where the door was closed. He stood by the side and she opened the door, Daryl burst in and she followed. The room was empty, she checked the closet and Daryl looked out of the window to see if anyone was on the roof, nothing. He looked on the dressing table and pulled a photograph that was stuck to the mirror. He held it out to Essie and she saw it was her and Lawrence in the park, Lawrence's face was scratched out.

"I thought I lost this at the warehouse." Daryl said.

"You kept it?" she asked.

"I had it in my pocket but when I got back…after…I couldn't find it. Shithead must've had it all along." Daryl held it out to Essie but she turned away. They heard a creak and turned sharply but there was still no one there. Essie indicated under the bed, Daryl trained the bow and Essie leant under and pulled Rhys out by his shoulder.

"Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" he shouted.

"Where the fuck is she?" she shook him violently but he gibbered and cried. She punched him and shook him again.

"Where is she? Answer me!" Daryl stood back and watched her.

"I don't know. I swear to God I don't know."

'You're a liar." she hauled him upright and shoved him in front of her and pushed the gun into the small of his back; Daryl covered him with the bow and they walked out of the house and into the street. He cried and slobbered all the way.

Rick and the others were outside the house with Deanna and a few of the townspeople. Essie shoved Rhys to his knees in front of them.

"Tell them!" she shouted, "tell them what you planned." but all that came out of his mouth was a string of nonsensical sounds and whimpers. She slapped him and the townspeople gasped at her brutality.

"I…I didn't want to do it. Laura…it was all her idea…she planned the whole thing." he moaned.

"Planned what?! Tell them!" Essie paced up and down in front of him.

"She…wanted to…take over…she thought she could do…it better…she threatened us…" he broke down crying again.

"So you're claiming that it was all Laura's idea. She was going to take over the town? What was her plan for us?" Deanna crossed her arms and stared hard at the man sobbing on the ground.

He looked up at her with tears streaming down his face and snot dripping from his nose.

"She wanted to kill you but we talked her out of it. We wouldn't have let her hurt you…"

"But your group set an explosion." Deanna said sharply.

"We didn't have a choice but no-one was hurt…they made sure no-one was in that house!" he voice rose with desperation.

"Where were you?" Essie interrupted quietly. He stopped and looked at her.

"What?" he asked

"Where were you?" she repeated.

"I…I…" he could not answer.

"You said 'they' made sure. Where were you? Because someone was hurt last night – me. I was attacked in our house, there were two of them. Laura, who took Caitlin and a man who attacked me. He got me from behind but I managed to kick them on the shin. I bet I left a mark." Essie watched him carefully. He turned to Deanna.

"Please." he begged, "please keep her away from me. She's insane. You know she's insane, she's dangerous."

Daryl booted him in the side, "Watch your mouth."

Deanna stared at him and then turned to Rick, "Look for injuries." she said. Daryl held him down and Rick rolled Rhys' trouser leg up, there was a livid bruise on his shin. Rhys started to hyperventilate.

"That happened when we were out in the woods. Oh Jesus, please believe me. I fell in the woods and caught my shin. I swear…" and then he stopped, "aahh fuck it.". He looked up at the assembled group and smiled.

"Even I can't sell this shit on. Fuck, you got me." and he grinned. Before anybody could say anything Essie had thrown him on his back and was crouched over him with her gun rammed under his chin.

"Where the fuck has she taken Caitlin?"

"You won't find her. She's taken the kid as insurance. She knew things had gone south when we didn't get to the armoury last night. I thought I'd killed you but she knew the others would be coming for us. She's taken her out to the woods."

"Why didn't you go with her?" Rick asked.

"I was getting our stuff together when this bitch dragged me out." Essie punched him in the face.

"Where were you going to meet her?" Essie demanded.

"Let me go and I'll tell you." he met her eye.

"Absolutely not." said Deanna

"Very well, I'll let you go. Tell me where she's taken my kid." Essie smiled at him.

"How fucking stupid do you think I am? I want guns, ammunition and a car." Rhys didn't see her raise her eyebrow.

"There's a car, half full of gas by the gate with the keys in it. The guns and ammunition are what you see here." said Glen and Rick silenced Deanna with a look. Rhys stood up and brushed himself off.

"Give me a gun now." he said.

"Not gonna happen dipshit." said Abraham

"We'll walk you to your car. I'll make sure nothing happens to you and when you're in the car you tell us where she's taken Caitlin." Rick said and Rhys nodded reluctantly. Daryl waited with Essie and they watched them make their way to the gate.

"I can't do this." Essie said and went to go after them but Daryl held her arm.

"Let Rick do his thing. He'll get what we need." he said gently.

Essie sighed in frustration but remained where she was. The gate opened and Rhys began to load the weapons and ammunition into the car. She felt the rage build, he was going to get away with it, he was going to just drive away. Rhys closed the door and smiled at Rick. Daryl looked at Essie and she at him. He knew the only reason she was waiting was because he's asked her. He thought back to what Aaron had said about how he should make her calm down but that wasn't her.

"Go." he said to her, "I'll be right behind you."

Essie began to run towards the open gate. Rick saw Rhys' eyes grow wide and he turned to see Essie running towards them with Daryl close behind her. She skidded to a halt in front of him and threw Rhys up against the car.

"Where is she?" she shouted.

"Woods…7 miles north of the barn…there's a clearing with a dry gully…you said you'd let me go you bitch." Essie released him and he grabbed his neck gasping.

"Well that's the thing Rhys, you tried to kill me, you tried to kill the people of this town and you just called me a bitch, which is just plain rude." she raised her gun and shot him in the head without a second look. The gathered group gasped and some screamed.

She stepped over his body and turned to Rick.

"Are you coming?" she asked and headed down the road away from the town.


	24. Chapter 24

**So it's been quite a while since I added a chapter. This one has taken ages to finish and not just because work has been getting in the way. I'm nearly finished and it has been a pleasure and a pain in the arse! As always, please let me know what you think if you can.**

When you hear the guns fire, don't listen

She felt the storm that had been brewing all her life; it circled over her head like a murder of crows. She thought it had blown itself out at the warehouse and after, in the woods. She'd been so wrong. This was no longer a fight for her survival, she'd already won that fight a long time ago even if she hadn't realised it. This was a fight for love. Not a sentimental, hearts and flowers type of love; this was a visceral, in the blood and bone love she never thought she would feel. She loved those children, she loved the town, she loved the people she had found, she loved…

Rick watched the woman who was a little way ahead of him on the cracked road littered with burnt out wrecks and wondered who she was. He knew her story, knew what job she'd had, where she'd lived, met her brother, talked to her about weapons and fighting and survival but he did not feel like he knew yet. He had seen her with her friends, with Michonne and Jessie and Carol, heard her talk about strategy, seen her cry with laughter, seen her cry, seen her make his friend forget and love her. He'd seen her rise from the dead in the days when the dead ruled the world and he'd seen her with the weakest hand force Death to fold. But who was she? Was she The Woman After the Rapture rising above the burning world or was she a lighthouse in the dark? He doubted he would ever really know but he was sure he wanted her on their side.

They reached the barn, walking in silence. Essie, always a little way ahead of Rick, Daryl, Michonne and Abraham, was scouting the tree line beyond the wooden structure.

"I can't see anything." she said without turning around. Daryl knelt down and pointed to an almost invisible track through the undergrowth,

"They came through here, one carryin' somethin' heavy."

"Looks like that dipshit was tellin' the truth." said Abraham.

Essie checked the magazine in the Glock and slipped the safety; she turned off the road and followed the track. Rick looked at the others who nodded and did the same; they knew Essie would continue if they followed her or not. The track wound through the wood that was lit with shafts of light and spikes of shade, Daryl followed it and Essie followed him.

They walked for a few miles mostly in silence. The wood was crackling with sound but all of it was natural. Daryl suddenly held up his fist and they all stopped.

"They split up. One went left, the other right but they were carrying somethin'."

"Son of a bitch. They're tryin' to separate us." said Abraham and spat on the ground.

"We need to stay together." said Rick, "we can't do what they want." Michonne nodded.

"So which way do we go?" she asked and looked at Essie then Rick.

"We get Caitlin." Essie said simply and Rick tilted his head in agreement.

They headed off to the right in single file. Rick scanned the treeline in front but saw nothing; he sensed the others behind him. He felt the bulk of Abraham, identified the absence of sound where Michonne was walking, Daryl was ahead and he felt reassured to see his friend slipping through the undergrowth never leaving a mark. Then…something was wrong, something was missing. He turned and saw Essie was not there.

"Stop." he whispered and the others stopped and turned, "She's gone." he said. Daryl brushed past him to follow her but he grabbed his friend's arm. "Let her go. She can handle herself, we need to find Caitlin."

"I'm not leavin' her again." Daryl growled.

"She made her choice and made our choice for us. If we split up there's less chance of us finding Caitlin. It's gonna get dark soon and that's gonna make it more difficult. Essie can look after herself but Caitlin can't." Daryl stared at Rick but then began to move through the forest on the same course as before.

Essie watched as the others walked away. She knew this was the right thing to do; they were walking into a trap, every one of them knew it, but this way there was a possibility she could take out one of them before they even came across the other group members. Fuck, she hoped it was Laura who had gone off on her own. After they were out of sight, she tracked back to the point where the trail diverged and went left.

She found herself in part of the forest she didn't recognise. It was marshy in places and the trees grew at an angle, the cold had begun to seep into the ground and the liquid dirt was turning to sucking mud but it made the trail easier to follow. The prints were even and at a walking pace; whoever it was, they weren't hiding. Essie walked until she came to a small clearing; she stopped in the middle, bored with this one sided game.

"I'm here." she shouted, "I'm bored of walking, come out and let's do this!"

A shot rang out and she hit the ground.

_Michonne was bringing up the rear when she saw a shape moving to her left, she swung round, sword raised and saw a walker shambling towards the group. She whistled and the others stopped. She raised her sword and sliced its head off without much fuss but it spurred them to move faster; the light wasn't fading yet but it wouldn't be too long. They began to follow the trail again led by Daryl and soon came to a dense copse of pine trees. Rick saw Abraham reach up to the lowest branch of a tree and unhook a scrap of light coloured material smeared with blood._

_"__Could be from anyone." he said, looking at the rest of them._

_"__Yeah, or it could be from Caitlin or one of the warehouse people. We keep going this way." Rick said and unclipped his holster._

Essie felt the bullet sear through her skin as she fell to the forest floor. The skeletal branches tattooed the sky above and her hand went to her thigh. She lifted it and the slick texture of the blood between her fingers warned her this was not a scratch. She heard foot falls crunch over the dried leaves and turned her head to see a pair of boots coming towards her.

_Rick and the others moved into the trees and the light faded even further. Daryl felt the ground begin to slope downwards and he indicated for everyone to stop. Rick heard a faint whimper and Michonne nodded that she had heard it too. They moved forward slowly and looked over the crest of the slope and saw Caitlin gagged and tied to a tree near the edge of a dry gully. There was no sign of anyone else around but that was not a good sign. Abraham tapped Rick on the shoulder and pointed to the edge of the copse on the other side of the gully. There was a group of walkers moving towards Caitlin who was struggling against the ropes._

_"__She's alive." Michonne whispered._

_"__For now." murmured Daryl._

The boot pressed on Essie's neck and Laura's face loomed into view, she pulled the Glock out of Essie's hand and threw it off to the side. She leaned down close enough for Essie to feel her breath on her cheek.

"I've wanted to see you bleeding out for the longest time." she hissed. Essie looked into her eyes and realised she'd only seen madness like that once before; she jerked her head and butted Laura in the face who fell back, releasing Essie's neck. Essie sat up and knelt over Laura who was cupping her nose that gushed with blood.

"Where the fuck is my kid?"

"Fuck you." Laura stuttered, Essie slammed her head into the ground and raised her hand to punch her again but Laura jabbed her in the gun shot wound and Essie fell back. Laura pushed herself up and kicked Essie who was struggling to stand; she pulled a small calibre pistol from her waistband and aimed it at Essie's head.

_Michonne ducked behind a tree as she moved towards Caitlin. She ran to the next tree but was too slow. The rifle shot clipped her in the arm and she just made it behind the thick trunk before the next shot chipped into the bark by her head. The others swung round to where the shot came from and fired. This activity caused the walkers to begin to move much faster towards Caitlin._

_Abraham raised his hand to Michonne who was bleeding but raised her hand in return. The shooting stopped and Rick made a move towards Michonne but was fired on._

_"__Where the hell is that bastard?" hissed Abraham; Daryl silently moved to the right and Rick covered him. The walkers were nearly down the opposite side of the gully; they needed to get to Caitlin fast._

Essie watched Laura like a cat; her only chance was to keep her talking.

"You must be feeling really stupid right about now." Essie said trying to keep eye contact.

"What?" Laura's eyes bulged out of her head.

"Not only did you fuck up on the plan to take over the town but you gave yourself away so badly that you're hiding in the woods. What do you think is going to happen?"

"Shut up you bitch! You're gonna die out here and I'm gonna watch you turn!" Laura began to pace up and down as Essie lay on the ground with her leg bleeding, badly.

"So you think you can kill me? You? I've survived much worse than you." Essie laughed.

"The fucking survivor? You're a killer. You survive because you murder anyone who stands in your way. That's why he chose you." Laura trained the gun on her again.

Realisation dawned on Essie and her heart began to beat faster, this was more dangerous than she thought.

_Daryl spotted the shooter in the scrub and made his way silently through the undergrowth, he looked back to see Rick and the others spreading out. The shooter raised the rifle and sighted it. The first walkers were almost at Caitlin who was struggling furiously._

"He chose you. He was going to make you part of our family. He would spend hours looking at that painting and telling us how you would protect us. He LOVED you!" Laura screamed.

"He was a psychopath who kept you locked in cage." Essie watched as Laura paced up and down. She began to shuffle towards the Glock Laura had kicked away.

"Stay still!" Laura shouted and fired a warning shot next to Essie.

"He kept us safe!" she continued, "Then you murdered him. All he wanted was you and you killed him!" She wasn't looking at Essie anymore; Laura was pacing up and down almost as if she was talking to herself.

"I didn't just kill him, I butchered him. I buried the machete in his head and then cut him open. By the time I'd finished him you couldn't tell if he was a man or a side of beef. He was coward who used other people…just like you." Essie kept talking as Laura became more and more agitated, "He screamed when he died…just like you will."

Laura screamed and leapt on to Essie and began beating and kicking her. Essie tried to protect herself, rolling into a ball and raising her forearms but Laura kept landing punches. She focussed on all the injuries she knew Essie had; her shoulder, her side, ribs and thigh wound. Essie was losing.

_Daryl raised his bow to take the shot but before he could pull the trigger, a walker crashed through the scrub and landed on the shooter's back, ripping into him. Daryl released the arrow and the walker fell, he ran over and pulled the arrow out of the skull. The shooter was dying and threw him a pleading look; Daryl stared at him and then walked away._

_Rick and the others were trying to cut through the swathe of walkers that surrounded Caitlin who was kicking out as best she could._

_"__She ain't gonna last much longer!" shouted Abraham and shot 2 of the nearest walkers._

_Michonne cut down 3 more and managed to get to the other side of the gully, Rick took out 2 more but felt one grab his shirt, he heard the reassuring thunk of an arrow and the walker fell; Daryl pulled the arrow and nodded at Rick._

_Abraham pushed his way through the walkers as Michonne and the others thinned them out. He reached Caitlin and cut through the ropes, she ripped the gag from her mouth._

_"__You ok, kid?" he asked as she pulled the ropes off. Caitlin looked past him and grabbed the knife from his belt, ramming it into the skull of a walker who had got through._

_"__I'm ok." she said._

Essie felt her rib crack and then Laura's hands round her throat, she tried to break the grip but Laura's madness made her strong. Essie began to sink into the blackness, she scrabbled in the undergrowth but there was nothing she could use. She clawed at Laura's hands but couldn't stop her. She bunched up her fist and used the last of her air to hit Laura in her smashed nose. The woman screamed like an animal and fell backwards.

Essie sucked down air and scrabbled to her feet but her leg couldn't support her weight. She crawled away, searching the ground for the gun but heard Laura growling and getting to her feet. Essie began to push through the fallen leaves, desperately searching. Laura screamed and ran towards her. Essie saw something metal and grabbed it; she rolled over and fired. She saw the bullet rip through Laura's knee and the woman fell to the ground, her scream turning to a wail.

_Rick pulled Michonne up the side of the gully and the others joined them._

_"__Where's Essie?" Caitlin asked._

_Michonne was about to answer when a gunshot rang out, Daryl took off in the direction of the sound, Abraham grabbed Caitlin and they followed._

Essie watched dispassionately as Laura rolled on the ground, she was trying to get to her feet and Essie was impressed when she managed to balance on her undamaged leg.

"You tried to kill me, you threatened the town and you took my kid." Essie sighted the Glock and fired, blowing Laura's other kneecap; her screams echoed around the forest and she crashed to the ground.

"You're a fucking murderer." Laura screeched.

"You're fucking right." replied Essie and heard familiar groans. She pushed herself further away from the screaming woman; the walker fell to its knees as it reached Laura who began to scream over and over again.

Daryl reached the clearing first and saw Essie watching as the walker tore into Laura who was still screaming. Essie was very still and didn't seem to acknowledge he was there. The screams died and only then did she turn. Caitlin screamed her name and the light returned to Essie's eyes. She moved towards the girl but her leg gave way, Daryl grabbed her and kept her upright.

"Where's Laura?" Rick asked and Essie indicated to the feasting walker, Rick raised his gun and quickly dispatched it.

"Can you walk?" Rick asked her and she nodded. Gripping onto Daryl Essie limped away from the scene, Rick taking point, Michonne bringing up the rear and Abraham carrying the exhausted Caitlin, they made their slow and painful way back to the town.

The light finally died as they saw the gates, Rhys's body had been removed. Tara pulled them open to reveal most of the townspeople gathered on the other side. Rick reached them first and Carl ran up to him; Abraham was next and Caitlin ran up to Finn who was with Jessie and held on to him. Michonne walked through and was greeted by Maggie and Carol. Daryl, supporting the now almost unconscious Essie was the last.

"Take her to Pete." Deanna ordered and Daryl picked her up and carried her towards the house.

"Are we safe?" she asked Rick who nodded wearily, "we need to talk." she added.

"About what?" he asked.

"Essie can't stay here." she said and walked away.


	25. Chapter 25

**So I've finally finished this chapter. It's taken SO LONG but I really didn't want to finish the story; I'm quite proud of it. Thank you for sticking with it! I have very much enjoyed writing it and can't wait for the new series. A huge thank you to all the people who have read it and those who have reviewed it, I really appreciate it. As always, please let me know what you think if you can.**

When you hear the guns fire, don't listen.

Daryl laid the now unconscious Essie on to the bed and Pete immediately began to cut away the drenched trouser leg. He peeled back the sodden cloth and revealed the gun shot wound, still bleeding.

"How long ago was she shot?" he asked without looking at Daryl.

"'Bout 2 hours." he replied, his tone belied his fear.

"There should have been a tourniquet put on this straight away. She's lost a lot of blood…she walked back on this leg?" he looked up and Daryl nodded. He placed his fingers on her wrist and counted; before he got to 20, Essie began to shake violently and her breathing became very quick and shallow.

"Shit! She's going into hypovolemic shock." Pete said as he ripped open her shirt and listened to her heart.

"What?" Daryl asked, confused.

"She's lost too much blood, her heart can't function properly! She's gonna need a transfusion and quick or she WILL die. What's her blood type?" Pete looked at Daryl who appeared frozen.

"Her blood type? What is it?" he shouted but Daryl couldn't answer. Rick and Carol entered.

"Oh my God." said Carol when she saw Essie who's lips were turning blue.

"What's her blood type?" Pete shouted as she began to convulse again.

"I don't know." Rick said and helped him keep Essie from shaking off the bed.

"I'm O type." said Carol, rolling up her sleeve.

Jessie entered and put her hand to her mouth as she saw what was happening.

"Prepare for a transfusion." Pete shouted and when she didn't move he shouted, "Now!" and she started to gather the equipment.

They worked quickly whilst Daryl stood against the wall, staring at Essie who was pale, sweating and blue. Carol sat on the chair next to Essie and didn't flinch when Pete inserted the needle in her arm.

Rick thought back to the first time he had met Hershel. How he had watched as the man who would become his friend worked so hard to save his son. He remembered Laurie's face as she watched Carl nearly die time and again. He remembered how the search for Sophia had got lost in the fight to save Carl and how much Carol had changed since that time. He also thought about how Daryl had refused to give up, how he had remained focussed, how he had nearly died trying to find the child of a woman with whom he had a connection with that went far beyond what any of the others understood. He watched as the blood travelled from Carol to Essie and then looked up at Daryl.

Essie took one unit of Carol's blood before she stabilised. Her lips were no longer blue but she was still deathly white and unconscious.

"Shouldn't she be awake by now?" asked Rick as he passed Carol a glass of orange juice and Jessie tightly bound her arm.

"She should." Pete opened Essie's eyes and checked her pupils, "Did she sustain a head injury? Is there anything else I should know?"

"She fought with Laura, in the woods." Rick said, "but she was standing when we got to her."

Pete began to examine Essie and felt her ribs, her abdomen and her neck; Daryl had not moved.

"The wound has stopped bleeding, she has cracked ribs, some serious bruising but nothing that I can see would cause her to remain unconscious." Pete checked her blood pressure again and shook his head.

_Essie had heard what Deanna had said as they made their way through the gates. Even through the encroaching grey fog, the numbness of her leg, the memory of the fight and the relief of finding Caitlin, she had heard the words she had long expected. They mingled now with the other words that had confirmed her worst fears._

_"__You're a fucking murderer!" _

_"__You're fucking right."_

_She felt so cold. She couldn't quite work out where she was; one moment she was shivering in the cellar of her aunt's house, then she was bolted to the floor in the warehouse, suddenly she was sitting with her legs dangling over the side of the half built dolls' house and then she was back in the forest._

_It was getting dark in the clearing and the sounds of the dead were all around her but she couldn't see them yet. She looked down and saw she had no weapons, she was alone. Her hand began to shake as she knelt down and scrabbled in the undergrowth for a rock, a stick, anything she could use but there was nothing. She slowly stood up and turned although there was still nothing to see. _

_A scream, a child's scream, echoed through the trees and Essie ran towards it; she crashed through the tree line and that's when the walkers emerged. They were everywhere just like they had been when the converged on the wall but this time she couldn't see a way through. The screams became more and more desperate and she fought and fought but there were too many of them and she wasn't fast enough. She felt a walker land on her back and she went down on her knees. _

_The child screamed again but it was cut off by a gunshot. Luka appeared through the tide of walkers and knelt down in front of her._

_"__You will die screaming." he said and pressed a gun to her forehead; it wasn't cold, the barrel felt warm, like skin. She looked up and saw his finger slowly squeezing the trigger._

_"__Scream" he whispered but she closed her eyes and breathed out. A gunshot cracked through her head…_

_"__Essie can't stay here."_

Daryl saw her eyes flicker open and watched as she tried to move. Rick and Jessie stopped her feeble attempts and she closed her eyes again but at least she'd come back.

As Carol left the house, she was met with Glen, Maggie, Tobin and a few of the other townspeople; Caitlin and Finn were clinging to Glen and Maggie. They rushed over to her and began bombarding her until she held her hands up.

"It looks like she'll be ok but she's asleep so you can't see her just yet." Caitlin looked like she was about to argue and Finn began to cry but Glen picked him up and pulled the girl away towards the house explaining that they needed to get some rest now they knew Essie would be ok. Maggie watched him go and turned to face Carol.

"So what's the real story?" she asked, Carol sighed.

"She nearly died…again. She took a unit of my blood before she stabilised."

"You heard what Deanna said?" and Carol nodded.

"We can't let her exile Essie. We need her." Maggie looked at the sky as they began to walk.

"I know that but I also know these people are not ready to accept that what Essie does is vital to survival." Carol thought back to her actions at the prison and knew that it took a lot more than knowing you were doing the right thing to convince other people. She remembered Rick's face as he took her watch and let her go; even he couldn't always stomach the hard choices. Carol had long since come to the conclusion that women were better equipped to take the road less travelled; men might have fought the wars and run the governments but it was the women who had to deal with fallout of those things and saw life at the sharp end. Nothing had changed even with a woman in charge; Deanna was too used to working in a sphere of rules and enforceable social order to be able to see what needed to be done. Women were supposed to be the sentimental ones but in Carol's experience, sentiment was the downfall of men and Deanna was thinking like a man.

Maggie stared at Carol, apparently sensing defeat from the other woman.

"We need to rally support, talk to Deanna and make her see her decision is wrong." Maggie's voice was rising in desperation, Carol said nothing.

"Or maybe we could talk to Essie, get her to, I don't know, explain things to Deanna, reason with her!" Maggie kept looking at Carol who was still silent.

The light was too bright; Essie tried to raise her hand to shade her eyes but couldn't move. She turned her head and was relieved to see Jessie asleep in the chair next to the bed.

"JJ?" her voice came out as a cracked whisper but Jessie immediately sat up.

"Water…" she croaked and Jessie held the cup to her lips, she gratefully drank and then sank back onto the pillow.

"How bad is it?" Essie asked with her eyes closed, her friend smiled and sat back down.

"Pretty bad. You lost a lot of blood and went into shock…we thought we were going to lose you. You took a whole unit of Carol's blood." At this, Essie raised her eyebrows.

"Pete says you should recover but you have taken a battering over the past few months." Jessie continued.

"Who hasn't?" Essie said to herself and then raised her head sharply, "Caitlin?"

"She's fine. She's fine." Jessie gently pushed her back down. They were silent for a while.

"How long did Pete say it would take for me to be back on my feet?" Essie asked, drowsily.

"He didn't." Jessie said flatly, "This is going to take a while and you need to take that time or you will cause permanent damage." She could see Essie was falling asleep.

"It's always been permanent." Essie mumbled and then she was asleep.

Daryl lit another cigarette and slammed down the hood of the car he'd been working on. He'd gone to the garage as soon as he'd known Essie was going to make it; his clothes were still covered with her dried blood. He hadn't known what to do when her lips had gone blue or when Pete had asked her blood type; he'd stood helplessly by and watched, as other people had worked to save her life. Again, he hadn't been able to help her, to save her. An image of Essie dispassionately observing the walker ripping into the still screaming Laura flashed into his mind and he physically shook his head to get rid of it. He knew who and what Essie was and it didn't affect him but he knew what the others would think of it, what they would think of her. He stared at the car but didn't really see it; Deanna and the other townspeople wanted to exile Essie and he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't speak for her or lobby for support; he didn't know how to do any of those things. He turned as the door opened and Aaron walked in.

"Hey." he said, "I hear Essie is going to be ok." Daryl nodded and took another drag of his cigarette. Aaron looked very uncomfortable.

"Daryl…some of the others are voicing their fear about Essie. Lots of them saw what she did to the warehouse people…shooting that woman and then murdering Rhys right in front of them. They're scared." Aaron waited for the other man to say something and when he didn't he continued, "They support what Deanna said and they want her gone as soon as possible." He saw Daryl's fists flex.

"There are others who are being just as vocal in their support of Essie, including Reg but it looks like Deanna isn't going to change her mind…I thought you would want to know." Daryl was still silent so Aaron turned and left. Daryl picked up a wrench and threw it across the room.

Rick wearily walked into the house where the lights where still on. The others were sitting in the living room and looked up at him.

"She's not changing her mind." he said.

"This is bullshit." Abraham rubbed his hand over his face.

"There's nothing more we can do tonight. Maggie, talk to Deanna tomorrow, maybe you can get through to her." She nodded but they all seemed to recognise the futility of this.

The mornings were slowly getting lighter and the sunshine filtered weakly through the blinds of Essie's room. Pete checked her pulse and then peeled back the bandage on the leg wound; it was clean and had stopped bleeding. Essie had not opened her eyes but her breathing was regular and her colour wasn't that of pauper's porridge. Pete left; satisfied she wasn't going to die.

Running her hands through her hair, Maggie sighed in frustration. She had been trying to persuade Deanna and the other townspeople that Essie needed to stay but they were completely intransigent; Reg squeezed her shoulder but defeat was etched on his face. She walked out onto the porch and saw Rick and Glen.

"What did they say?" but she just shook her head.

Rick put his hands on his hips and stared into the distance. He knew, he absolutely knew that this safe haven needed to be defended and Essie was perfect in that situation but he also knew that Deanna and most of the others were too stupid or blind to see that. He also knew that if he offered the ultimatum that if Essie was exiled, he and his group would leave…well, they would out on the road again. He was going to have to sacrifice her.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Essie tested her injured leg by gently placing her foot on the cold floor. Instantly, the pain iced its way up and made her gasp. Her hands relaxed their grip on the sheets as the pain subsided, only to clutch at them again when she foolishly twisted and pulled at her cracked ribs. She was a broken mess. She looked up as Carol came in holding a tray, which she nearly dropped at the sight of Essie.

"I can't believe you're awake." Carol said setting the tray to one side as she held the blankets up so Essie could lie back down.

"Neither can I." said Essie, wincing.

"How are you feeling?" Carol stared at her closely.

"Sore. Weak…Angry." Essie pressed the bruises on her arm; Carol remained quiet waiting for her to carry on.

"I am so angry. I hate this whole, shitty existence. I've had enough. It was manageable when it was just Lawrence and I but now…I've had enough."

"You know Deanna wants to exile you because of what you did in the town?" Carol could not meet her eye as she asked this, Essie nodded.

"I heard what she said as I was bleeding out after saving this town…again."

"You know…you didn't save it all by yourself?" Carol asked with a small smile but Essie remained stonefaced.

"I know I didn't do it by myself." Essie took a deep breath, "…which is why I feel ok about leaving Caitlin and Finn here." Carol began to say something but Essie held up her hand and continued.

"I know what will happen. I know what is happening right now…Maggie and the others will be out there, arguing my case and it's not that I'm ungrateful but the more you argue against Deanna's decisions, the weaker your position gets. Your group needs to be here, now more than ever." Carol raised her eyebrows questioningly and finally Essie looked at her.

"Something big is coming. I don't know what it is but it's coming and it will be unlike anything you've come across before. To keep this place safe…you're going to have to do unimaginable things. Deanna can't do it; she won't do it…but you? And Rick and Daryl and the others? You've come close to it. You know what it takes to survive. You are the only ones who can keep this place what it is. If it takes exiling me to make that happen I will do it, and willingly. Just…just promise me something?" Carol wiped her tears away and nodded.

"Please keep Caitlin and Finn safe for as long you can. Don't be their mother, don't be their friend, be their protector. Please?" Essie's eyes were wide and pleading.

"Of course." said Carol, "of course."

"Thank you."

The two women were quiet for a while, listening to wind creaking through the town outside of the silent and shadowed room.

"What about him?" asked Carol.

"He stays." answered Essie firmly although her heart was quietly breaking.

"He won't let you go, you know that don't you?"

"I know."

"He will follow you to the ends of the earth and beyond. Where you go, he goes."

"I know. But he has to stay here, you are his family and he stays with you."

"You can't do this to him!" Carol stared at Essie.

"You think this is a one way street? You think that I'm going to walk away and not feel anything?" Her voice was breaking and Carol took a step back at the pain in her eyes.

"I know what I am, you know?" Essie continued quietly, "It's been with me all my life and it doesn't scare me anymore, not much scares me anymore…not even leaving this place. The only thing that scares me is how I feel about him. I guess you know him well, better than I do, so you know how he feels but, as I've said before, you don't know me."

Carol managed to smile.

"How I feel about him changes all the books and poems I know, the songs you would hear over and over again. The ones that talk of love as a visceral pain that can rip through you – those are the ones that are true. Even if we were safe, living before all this, I think I would have lived in fear that I would lose him. It's almost too much to hold in one person…and I never knew it would be like this. But it won't kill me and that is almost a cheat because it feels like it SHOULD. I feel like a wrecked ship, broken and listing but still afloat…for now but I'm sinking…God, I'm sinking…." and she began to cry, silently, her whole body shaking. Carol put her arms around her and rocked her like a child until it slowly stopped.

"I didn't know." said Carol, "I'm so sorry, I didn't realise."

"I have to go…soon." said Essie, rubbing her hands roughly over her face.

"How will you do that?"

"Can you get a supply bag ready for me? I'm going to wait until dark and then leave."

"On foot?" Carol nearly shouted this in disbelief.

"No, I'm going to steal a car." said Essie, simply.

"Where will you go?" Essie surprised Carol by smiling suddenly.

"I think I'm going to head west. I've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon."

"That's 2000 miles away, across a country you don't know!" Carol could not believe this.

"I'm going to put my back to the sea or maybe I'll explore what the desert has to offer. I might even try to get back to England. I don't know." Essie looked at Carol who was staring back at her.

"But you can't go tonight. You can't even walk." Carol desperately tried to think of things to say to make Essie stay just a little longer.

"If I stay, I won't be able to leave. Do me one more favour? I can't see him or the children, keep them away from me. Tell them I'm still out or that Pete has forbidden it…anything…just keep them away. Please?" It was only after Carol agreed to this that Essie relaxed into her decision.

The sky blackened as Carol helped Essie out to a nearby car. The town was quiet with a few lamps, like friendly eyes, spreading meagre warmth into the darkness. Essie had taken heavy duty painkillers and could just about stand to hobble on her own. She gritted her teeth and rolled the car to the gates that Carol opened, all without seeing anyone. She angled herself into the car and patted the overstuffed and heavy bag Carol had given her.

"Thank you." she said.

"I…I had a daughter…Sophia. She got lost and…I didn't find her in time. Her father, my husband, Ed…he beat me…everyday. I wasn't strong enough to fight back." Carol looked at Essie.

"And now?"

"And now I would stick a knife into his skull without a single regret." Carol smiled and Essie let out a rueful laugh.

"You know? I always said you and I should sit down one day and have a chat. But…I don't think we need to say another word to each other." Carol nodded as Essie turned the key in the ignition and slammed the door. She watched until the taillights faded into the blackness and then closed the gates. She walked slowly back to the house where everyone would be just about to sit down and eat. She stopped on the porch, sat on the top step and cried silently.

Essie lit a cigarette and watched the car headlights eat away at the road markings until dawn. She stopped and got out just as the sky was turning from grey to pink; in the distance she thought she spotted a figure in a red poncho, way off, making their way through the wood. She didn't call out, it wasn't anyone she wanted to be with. A desperate soul had scrawled Judgement Day on a road sign but she knew that day had come and gone. She was now just waiting for the Rapture.

_"Tonight I can write the saddest line_

_I loved her and sometimes she loved me too..."_

_Pablo Neruda_


	26. Chapter 26

**I can't wait for the new series to start tomorrow (for us in the UK) so I felt the need to keep adding and tinkering with the story. No idea where this is going or how series 6 will pan out but I'm enjoyed this and as Mae West said 'too much of a good thing is wonderful.' Hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think if you can.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

_I'm not being watched, I am totally alone here._

_I see the sky, so hugely blue, above me._

_There are no trees, no sound; just the wind shouting its whispers to the ground…_

_And me._

_I grind the cigarette under my heel and heft my pack to the other shoulder._

_I walk over the orange rock and see the derelict skywalk in the distance._

_I've seen no one for days. Weeks._

_I've never dug this deep before. Never drawn on such reserves of restraint in my life._

_When I'm asleep I see the faces. When I'm awake I catch the voices. _

_I run._

_I'm breaking alone._

_I try to close myself down but end up bleeding again._

_The sin is mine and mine alone._

_Alone._

_The sun burns._

_I hear a motorcycle engine far away but it fades as if it was never there._

_I fade. _

_I move on._

_I shift my bag under my head and try to get into a more comfortable position but this car is not built for a restful night's sleep. There are no sounds, no comforting creak of the woods, no sounds of other people moving about, no shadows on the ceiling of an attic room 2000 miles away. I finally sleep…fitfully. _

_A tapping on the window wakes me. Instantly, gun in hand, I am staring wildly. It doesn't cross my mind that dangerous people or the dead rarely tap. A tanned and weather-beaten face framed by white hair is peering through the glass, the dark eyes piercing as they meet mine. _

_The old woman leads the way over the baked rocks and loose shale to a bike parked in the shade of a Ponderosa pine. She hasn't said anything other than requesting that I follow her. It could easily be a trap but I haven't got anything better to do. She swings her leg over the saddle and fires up the Triumph Trophy SE and gestures for me to get on the back. _

_It feels like flying. The world speeds past, running together like a watercolour. I've never been on a bike before; odd really, seeing as the man I am in love with builds his own…I push that thought away quickly. I just enjoy the sensation._

_Before I know it, the old woman slows and pulls into an almost invisible track. At the end of it is a wooden cabin. This is not a rustic cabin in the woods; there is a double garage, a stone chimney stack, a veranda running the circumference of the two storey, green roofed house. The shuttered windows are large and overlook the wooded slope to the canyon. The second floor has a balcony and solar panels on the roof. I follow her up the steps to the front door, heavy and intricately carved with trees and deer. She pushes it open and I tense up, ready to kill but the living room is huge and open. The varnished floor is golden in the sunlight with a huge rug and squashy sofas. The wooden stairs sweep up to the second floor. The plastered walls are white and I just see into the large kitchen. _

_Silence._

_"__No-one else is here." she says. I am surprised, she has a British accent. She must sense this as she turns to look at me._

_"__Truro" she says by way of explanation and I catch the Cornish accent._

_We move into the kitchen and she puts a kettle onto the stove and pulls out a box of tea bags. I feel my eyes tear up; I haven't had tea since before all this began._

_"__It's powdered milk." she says, not realising that she has healed a giant wound by simply putting the kettle on._

_"__Strong or weak?" she asks._

_"__Strong please."_

_We take our mugs into the living room and sit down. It could be before the world ended if it wasn't for the gnawing, gut wrenching pain that goes from my head to my toes. I sip my tea and I feel homesick for the first time. I remember the gardener at my school._

_**"**__**Tea solves all problems. Drink it down, girl."**_

_I smile._

_"__There's not much a cup of tea can't solve." says the old woman and again, I meet her dark eyes. She looks familiar. I never met my grandparents so she can't remind me of a kindly granny; but there is something about her…a familial resemblance perhaps. It's ridiculous, it's nothing._

_I look around the comfortable room, marvelling at how…normal everything looks._

_"__It's not mine." she says, "We found it when we'd got out of Flagstaff, when this all started. Broke in, found it empty, so we stayed."_

_"__We?" I ask._

_"__Me and my…well, we never married but we've been together 52 years so I suppose that's as close to a husband as you can get. He's the one that taught me to ride the bike. He built it from scratch; it wasn't the first one he built either. Always good with practical things; not much of a talker but that suits me." _

_"__Where is he?" I ask, knowing the answer but needing to hear it anyway._

_"__He died. Beginning of this year. It wasn't one of the walkers, it was a heart attack. He was chopping firewood, I looked out of the window and then he was on the ground. I got to say goodbye, I slid a knife into his skull and then I buried him out there. I still can't believe that it was his heart that failed him in the end…but I carry on. Women always out last the men in the end." She reaches forward and opens a wooden box on the table, pulls out 2 cigarettes and throws one to me. We light up and the grey smoke catches the sunlight._

_"__So why are you out here?" she asks me, pinning me again with her dark stare._

She looked at the younger woman sitting opposite her. The thick, red braid over her shoulder, the skin pink from the sun, the brown eyes wide and clear with the pain so obvious it was like she was wearing a sign around her neck.

She'd spotted her 2 days ago, walking right to the edge of the canyon cliff. She'd thought she was going to jump but she just sat down and lit up a cigarette; now there was a woman with a lot on her mind. If only the younger woman knew the truth.

"I always wanted to see the Grand Canyon." Essie answered, blowing out a stream of smoke and taking a drink of tea.

"Seems like you might have something more pressing than a sight seeing trip these days."

"I didn't." Essie didn't meet her eyes.

"Do you have a group? Anyone else with you?"

"I did…not anymore."

Silence as the two women drank their tea and smoked their cigarettes. The older woman went back into the kitchen and refilled their mugs and sat back down again. She threw Essie another cigarette and stared at her through the smoke.

"So what happened?" she asked.

And Essie told her. She told this familiar stranger the whole story of her life, from beginning to end. She didn't leave anything out, she didn't try and hide or sugar coat anything. She faltered when she spoke of Lawrence and the old woman looked away for the first time. She smiled when she talked of…the others but the older woman stood up and looked at the makeshift gravestone under the tree, looking out onto the vast, open freedom of the canyon. It took a long time and it was dusk outside when Essie finally lit her 12th cigarette and sat back.

"What will you do now?" the older woman asked, lighting another cigarette.

"I don't know. Move on I suppose. Try to go north maybe."

"You should go back." Essie raised her eyebrows.

"Did you hear what I just said? They exiled me. They kicked me out. They don't want me back. It's 2000 miles and a whole shit load of baggage away."

"No." said the woman staring with those familiar eyes, "you ran. You didn't wait to find out if Maggie or Rick had been successful in persuading Deanna. You ran like you always do."

Essie's mouth fell open but before she could answer, the older woman continued.

"You are strong, stronger than virtually anyone else but you have one weakness, only one but it's a big one. You are arrogant. You don't think anyone else can do what you do, be as tough as you; you don't think you need anyone else's help. You don't think you need anyone else full stop but you do. When you're on your own you're weak. Oh you'll survive, probably longer than anybody else would, but that's all it will be, survival. And that isn't living." the older woman took a long drag of her cigarette and closed her eyes as she breathed out and then she carried on.

"You had something precious and instead of fighting for it…instead of staying and fighting for it, you ran. You were needed there and not just to protect the town, people there needed you. He needed you. He still does. Something is coming and they will need you."

"How do you know this?" Essie asked and the older woman just shrugged.

"It's just common sense." she answered. Essie shook her head, why did she always have to come across people who seemed to know more than she did and spoke in riddles?

"But they won't let me go back."

"You don't know that until you ask. There are plenty of people there who will fight for you to stay."

"I…I don't know if I can go back." Essie flicked the ash off the end of her cigarette.

"Fuck off." the older woman said and Essie smiled, she liked her, a lot.

"You can take what you need from here and then start out tomorrow morning. Tonight, we can eat a meal, drink some whiskey, and talk about life and love." This time Essie actually laughed.

"What's your name?" Essie asked. The older woman just looked at her and walked back into the kitchen.

**Essie never talked to anyone about that evening, ever.**

She woke in the morning to an empty house, the bike was gone from outside and there was a single snapdragon left on the gravestone. Essie took what she needed, found the truck from the garage and began to drive east. There was a Suzanne Vega CD in the glove box and Essie smiled as the opening bars of Left of Centre kicked in.


	27. Chapter 27

**OH MY GOD! First episode of the new series was immense. I loved the black and white, the shifts in time, the HUGE amount of zombies. A week is too long to wait and I will complain about that to any and all who will listen. Anyway, not sure where this is going (except all over the southern states apparently, shout out to Google maps). Hope you enjoy this and please let me know what you think if you can.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

The sun dipped low in the sugar pink sky streaked with purple clouds. She'd travelled over 500 miles on I 40 E, only stopping twice to siphon fuel and check the map. She detoured round the outskirts of Santa Rosa, New Mexico as the sun finally disappeared. Her head ached from the whiskey and the food the night before but she felt…good. Was that the right word? Essie didn't know; what she did know was that the pain that had been ripping her inside and out had become blunted the further east she went. That had to be a good sign right?

Essie skipped the CD to Bill Withers singing Ain't No Sunshine and tapped her fingers on the wheel. Lighting a cigarette, she rolled down the window to let the smoke out and felt the sharpness in the air as the temperature dropped. She'd found 5 boxes of cigarettes left for her on the table, another debt she would never be able to repay. The darkness was salted with stars. She drove on.

**_Wonder this time where she's gone_**

**_Wonder if she's gone to stay_**

**_And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away_**

_**Ain't no sunshine when she's gone**_

_The lightning forked across the sky over Alexandria and the townspeople scattered back into their homes, the storm was coming. _

_Carol watched from the living room window as the wind picked up and blew the trees free of more leaves. She heard a window bang from somewhere in the house and went to close it before it broke. She walked upstairs but couldn't find it. She went into the bathroom by the stairs to the attic but the windows were all shut tight. The only place left was the attic room. She climbed the stairs slowly, unwillingly. _

_The door was open slightly and she pushed. A slash of strobe lightning picked out the bed, the chest of drawers, a chair. Another lit up a half read book, a hair brush, a few bobby pins left on the side; the detritus of a life lived in that room if only for a few days. The circular window banged again and she fought to shut it. As the rain started, Carol saw a lone, dark figure walking through the downpour towards the gate, wheeling the bike built from scratch._

_She closed the door tight behind her, one day soon she would go in there and clear out the rest of her…the stuff. But not today._

_When everyone found out Essie had gone, taking a car, there hadn't been a sense of relief, a sense of a danger being removed. People had become scared, nervous; they felt exposed, as if a piece of their armour had been removed, even the people who had been calling for her exile where quiet, subdued even. Jessie had questioned how Essie had even managed to walk, Carol just watched._

_Later, back inside their home, she explained how she had helped Essie leave, how she had packed her a supply bag, opened the gates and watched her disappear. Michonne and Maggie had looked at her as though she had betrayed them, Rick put his hands on hips and hung his head, Daryl walked out._

_In the days that followed, after it had been explained to Caitlin and Finn and they had been placed with a nice family on the other side of town and after they had stopped crying, after Reg had explained to Deanna that she had been wrong, after the truth of what the warehouse people had really been planning came out and the story of what had really happened in the woods had been told, Daryl still didn't speak. _

_More days passed, the pain didn't fade and the gap wasn't filled. This wasn't like last time; this wasn't grief because she wasn't dead. He felt betrayed; she had left without a word. Shit, he'd have gone with her, he'd have left everyone behind to be with her and he wouldn't have regretted a damn thing. _

_About 2 weeks after Essie had left, he couldn't take it anymore. He'd loaded up the bike to go after her, Carol had said she'd talked about the Grand Canyon. Fucking Grand Canyon; 2000 miles away, why the hell would she wanna go there? _

_"__You can't leave."_

_"…__the hell I can't"_

_"__You can't." Carol put her hand over his, "She made her choice to go. It wasn't…easy for her. But she knew what she had to do."_

_"__She didn't have to do shit. She left cos she wanted to. She dint wanna stay." He clenched his fist._

_"__She didn't want to leave. You weren't there, you didn't see her. She could barely walk, the pain she was in was ugly."_

_"__Well, why the hell did she leave?" he shouted._

_"__So we could stay." Carol said simply._

Essie pulled onto the grass verge at about midnight. She had passed Amarillo, avoiding the centre, but now could barely keep her eyes open. She checked the map one last time, if she could get to Tennessee by this time tomorrow, Franklin or Nashville, she would be so close. It was surprising how clear the I 40 E was, there were wrecks all along the side but blockages were rare; it looked as though a huge snow plough had been used to push the cars out of the middle of the road but it was probably more that people had abandoned their cars and fled in fear. She'd managed to scavenge fuel whenever she needed. She laughed at the thought that she might be the only one left in this huge country who would attempt such a long trip that bisected the lower half of the USA.

It had been dark when she had first arrived at the edge of the canyon, weeks ago. It had taken her 4 days to get there. Her leg had stiffened up badly, she had to force it to move, pushing and pulling with her hands; the pain was intense. Many times during that drive she had stopped and turned the car around only to stop and turn again, keep heading west. She hardly slept and when she did she was plagued with nightmares. Images of the distant past were replaced with her name being screamed over and over again and she unable to reach Caitlin or Finn or Rosita or anyone else who she knew she had abandoned. One night she had dreamt Rick was being swept away in a fast flowing river and she couldn't find the rope to pull him back in time and he was gone. Other times she dreamt of Alexandria burning and the townspeople trapped behind impossibly high walls and all she could do was watch as it blackened to ash and blown away in a high wind.

But the one that recurred most often was the worst; she was inside the walls, safe, she had never felt so relieved, she would walk into the house but find it empty, she would then go to the community centre but that too would be empty, she would then find herself walking up the steps to Deanna's house and push open the front door and find everyone there, talking and laughing. She would call out to them, go right up to them, scream in their faces but they couldn't see or hear her, she would drive herself insane trying to get them to realise she was there. Then she would hear a motorcycle outside, she would see him pull up to the curb, she would run towards him but the faster she ran the further away he would become until she couldn't see him. She would look around to find the town gone and she was left, alone in the woods, as if Alexandria had never been there at all. She'd woken herself up crying afterwards.

She had watched dawn break over the canyon that first day. The rocks turned from black to pink and then to the familiar orange. Essie hadn't planned to, but she'd arrived at the grand viewpoint. She couldn't believe how big it was, how impossibly beautiful. She didn't really know what to expect but the fact that it was the length of Birmingham and London put together was beyond her comprehension. She hadn't realised how huge this country was and how small her view of it had been.

"A small person from a tiny island in a big place." she thought as she gazed over the edge and lit a cigarette.

Essie stayed near this spot for a few days, there was plenty of water and her supplies of food had been generous. There was nothing and no one around, she could've been the only person in the world left and that suited her just fine. Every day she would walk a little further, feel her leg get a little stronger, feel the pull towards the edge of this great slice in the earth get a little more magnetic.

Two weeks after she had arrived she'd run out of food. It seemed like a message.

**"****There is nothing left for you."**

She limped to the edge, right onto the very lip of this place, and looked over. Unbidden memories, perhaps because she was tired or she just couldn't keep them at bay any longer, rose up in her mind; Lawrence looking down at her when she had first woken up in Alexandria, Rick's expression as he had locked the door after she had walked towards the gun, Carol facing her down, Caitlin mutely rebellious at the thought of staying with Deanna and Reg…and simply sitting on the roof looking at the moon, feeling naked in his stare.

The breeze lifted her hair away from her neck and silence reigned over her. She leaned forward, feeling gravity beckon her; she closed her eyes and breathed in the gin-dry air. A step and the decision was made. She sat on a rock and lit a cigarette, watching the clouds shadowing the contours. She was in control, never to relinquish it again.

She woke before the sun had fully risen. Rinsing her mouth with water and spitting it out onto the grass, she kept the window down as she started the engine and pulled away, lighting her first cigarette of the day. Oklahoma and then Tennessee awaited her. After that, well, she'd have to wait and see. She saw a few walkers by the roadside aimlessly wandering, they stared as the truck drove past and began to shamble after it. Essie watched them in the rear view mirror until they were out of sight. She drew in more smoke.

_The storm over Alexandria had blown itself out. People carried on with their jobs that had been interrupted. Tara relieved Tobin on gate duty._

_"__Anything I should know?" she asked._

_"__Daryl left about an hour ago. Dint seem to notice the storm." Tobin replied. Tara just shrugged._

_Rick walked passed Jessie's house, she was clearing the front garden of the debris left by the high winds. He knew he shouldn't, that it would cause problems, but he went over to her anyway._

_"__Much damage?" he asked as she stood up and brushed some leaves from her jeans._

_"__Nothing important." she said with a wary glance towards the house._

_"__How are you?" Rick asked._

_"__We're fine." she answered putting a little too much emphasis on 'we'._

_"__I heard you've been checking in on Caitlin and Finn, are they ok?" Rick wanted to keep talking to her._

_"__They're better than they were but still a mess. Finn's wetting the bed and Sam says that Caitlin's been fighting with some of the other kids." Jessie looked up at the grey sky and then back to Rick, "Do you think she even realised what a trail of destruction she would leave behind when she ran?"_

_"__I'm not sure she thought that far ahead." Rick squinted at Jessie and saw that it was not just his group Essie had hurt by leaving._

_"__I wish she was here right now, I would kick her ass so hard." Jessie said and Rick couldn't help but laugh. Jessie looked surprised then laughed with him but stopped when she heard the door bang._

_"__Rick" Pete nodded to him; Rick nodded back and walked away._

_Daryl twisted the throttle and the bike surged forward, he had no idea where he was heading and he didn't care. He wanted to cut her out of himself, burn the memories away, and go back to how it was before he'd known her. He didn't want these feelings anymore; he'd never wanted them. He couldn't forget about her so he tried to hate her. He failed at that. Now he just lived on the memories, feeding on them until they filled him up only for them to leak away again, leaving him empty and alone. It might take everything he had for that freedom and he didn't even know if that's what he wanted. Perhaps, one day…_

By noon she had reached Sulphur, Oklahoma. The highways around Oklahoma City were impassable and clogged with walkers so she'd gone south, leaving the I 40 E and taking route 49 then up the 69 to Byhalia, Mississippi. She lost about 6 hours. During that time she wondered how she had ever made it to Arizona.

She couldn't remember much of the drive there. After watching Carol disappear into the night and when the painkillers wore off it was a blur. She just kept driving, only stopping when she ran out of fuel and even then she had no idea how she managed to refill the tank. She passed mountains, flat fields, over rivers, through desert and suburbia and she didn't remember any of it.

Now, travelling back, she saw what she had missed. If you ignored the death and destruction (if) this country was beautiful. A little bit of the Technicolor returned to her as she drove. None of the guilt dissipated, none of the pain receded but the colour began to return.

She picked up the I 40 E just past Arlington, Tennessee and, with the wind at her back, she put her foot down.

_He knocked the kickstand into place and walked towards the house; the lights were on and he could see people moving about. Abraham and Rosita were briefly silhouetted in the lamplight; he couldn't go in. He sat on the porch and lit a cigarette._

Hold on a little longer…


	28. Chapter 28

**Hey, hey – thanks to all the people who have read the new chapters. I still have no idea where this is heading but it's so much better than actual work (of which I have loads this weekend, booo). Monday can't come soon enough, which a phrase I never thought I'd say. Please let me know what you think if you can.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

_"__No." said Rick softly, "It's our problem. You're part of this family now so your problems are our problems."_

Essie had hit a problem. To be more precise, a shit load of problems. She'd been driving and making good time for about 3 hours and she'd made it to just outside Nashville. She knew from her sketchy understanding of American cultural history that Nashville was quite a big town and she'd planned a route around it. However when she got to where the Cumberland River travelled alongside route 40 it had become impassable. At some point someone had decided to try and blow up the road; added to that was the mass of walkers that had congregated near the cratered tarmac.

She turned onto route 251 and made her way to very slowly, making many detours and changing direction too many times to count. After another 5 hours she arrived on the edge of a town called Somerset in Kentucky. She needed to refuel and slowed to halt outside a burnt out restaurant with a parking lot attached. She waited to see if anything emerged; when nothing did, she got out and stretched her stiff legs and cricked her back. Her leg was still unsteady and she nearly fell letting go of the truck. She unscrewed the fuel cap and began to siphon the fuel. She stiffened when she heard the hammer being pulled back on a gun right behind her.

_Michonne met Rick coming the opposite way past the solar panels._

_"__Hey, did Carl find you?" she asked as they fell into step._

_"__No. I'll catch up with him later."_

_"__I had to break up a fight today." Michonne said and Rick turned to look at her, "between a 10 year old girl and a 14 year old boy." she added._

_"__Caitlin?" _

_Michonne nodded and Rick sighed._

_"__She's getting worse." said Michonne, looking away from Rick._

_"__I know." _

_"__Pretty soon she's gonna hurt someone's kid."_

_"__I know."_

_"__Should we bring her back to live with us?" Michonne met his eye._

_"__We can't look after her. She needs to be with people who…who can give her what she needs." Rick knew this sounded hollow._

_"__What she needs is Essie."_

_"__Essie made her decision. She left. Whether we think her decision was right or wrong, she's not here. We got bigger problems; this place is vulnerable, we're vulnerable. We can't get distracted." _

_They were both quiet for a while._

_"__Do you think she made it?' Michonne looked at Rick._

_"__She made it." he said in a definite tone and Michonne gave him a brief smile._

"Stand up and turn around slowly." said the male voice behind her.

"This doesn't have to happen." she said quietly, "you can let me have this fuel and I'll get back in the truck and drive away."

"I said stand up!" the voice said angrily. She stood up, still with her back to them. She looked at the shadow on the car; taller than her, broad shouldered. She turned around and saw he had a revolver pointed at her. He shoved her back against the car and began to roughly pat her down.

"What have you got?" he asked as he went through the pockets of her jeans, she could smell his rank breath.

"I've got 2 cans of food, half a canteen of water and some mints." she said with distaste.

"What about weapons? Ammunition?" he took her machete that was leaning against the car door.

"Just what you see here."

"Bullshit! I ain't seen you before so you musta travelled. You couldn't do that without weapons." He was a little older than her, wearing filthy clothes; most of his face was hidden by a straggly beard, he smelt of alcohol and unwashed bodies.

"I'm just lucky." she said, shifting her weight from her damaged leg.

"Sugar, you ain't lucky." and he smiled, revealing his yellow teeth, "Hey, Bud! Looks like we got another one." he shouted over his shoulder and another man emerged from the restaurant. Before the other man reached them, she rammed her elbow into the man's face. He fell back with a yell and she grabbed his revolver. Bud began to run towards them, pulling a pistol from the waistband of his dirty jeans. She grabbed Yellow Teeth and shoved him in front of her, using him as a shield. Bud fired and clipped his friend in the shoulder, he fell with another shout; Essie grabbed the machete and held it to his neck as Bud skidded to a halt.

"Kick your gun over, now!" she said and when Bud hesitated she pressed the machete into Yellow Teeth's fleshy neck.

"Do it man!" he whimpered and Bud threw her the pistol. She picked it up quickly and watched Bud carefully.

"Just let him go!" said Bud, "We weren't gonna hurt you. We just ain't seen nobody for months." Essie said nothing.

"I swear, we woulda let you go. No harm, no foul right?" Bud tried to smile but his face twisted into a terrible rictus.

"What did he mean when he said 'another one'? How many others have you got this way?" Essie applied more pressure and blood dripped over Yellow Teeth's shirt, he whimpered.

"None, I swear." Bud was staring at the blood.

"Now who's bullshitting?" Essie said.

"We'll never do it again, I swear. Just take what you want and leave us." Bud begged.

Essie took a deep breath and removed the machete. She took a step back and was about to let Yellow Teeth move away when he grabbed her ankle and tried to pull her down. She kicked out but fell against the car. He heaved himself up and gripped her upper arm. Without thinking she raised the machete and hacked his hand off. He clutched at the stump now spraying blood over himself and Essie and fell back. She sighted the gun at Bud who had not moved.

"Shit!" Bud said as he watched the severed hand twitch and then become still, "Shit!" and he put his hands up. Essie shoved her hair out of her eyes.

"You have a choice. You can try to finish what this fuckhead here couldn't or you can go back into that building and not come out until I'm gone. If you try anything or I think you're going to try something, you both die" Bud backed away.

"Don't leave me!" moaned Yellow Teeth as his friend moved back towards the restaurant door. From round the side of the building, drawn by the sounds, walkers began to shuffle towards them. Essie quickly shoved everything back into her truck, leaving the bleeding and wailing man on the ground. She gunned the engine and drove away before she could see the walkers get to the man she had crippled.

She drove the next 30 miles with the needle touching 80 all the way, only stopping when she reached London. She saw the rusted, bullet hole ridden sign and laughed but it was manic; she felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. She lit a cigarette with a shaky hand and leant her head on the steering wheel. The men back in Somerset were rapists, killers, so why did she feel sick at the thought of what she had done to them?

**Killing shouldn't be easy; it shouldn't be quickly forgotten.**

The words rose unbidden in her mind. For a moment she thought it might be Lawrence, or the memory of him at least, but he hadn't been with her for months. Was her conscience finally kicking in?

**You've been a killer most of your life but it shouldn't have been that way. You left Alexandria because other people saw what you were and you hated that. Maybe now it's time to find another way.**

Essie thought that it might be too late. She'd been on her own a very long time, even when surrounded by people. Then again…maybe it wasn't too late.

Now all she had to do was figure out how to walk back into the town. She put the truck into gear and drove through London in about 10 minutes.

_Glen tapped his cards twice and looked at Maggie who was staring at the cards in Eugene's hand and then laughed. Rosita stared at him and Maggie raised her eyebrows._

_"__Sorry." he said still smiling, "I just saw you staring at the cards and knew you were about to bluff." Maggie smiled at him._

_"__Estella was a woman who knew how to play poker. I am certain that if this world had not fallen into a pit of hell and despair, she would have become an international poker player of considerable skill." Eugene said taking everyone's cards and reshuffling the pack._

_"__Yeah but she ruined our game. I always know now when Abraham is lying." said Rosita, taking the opportunity of the distraction to deal a couple of cards off the bottom._

_"__I wonder where she is." said Maggie._

_"__I bet she's barbecuing some squirrel as the sun sets over the Grand Canyon." Rosita looked at the others; it was a nice thought but they didn't really believe it, except Eugene who knew Essie had made it._

_She pulled onto the I75 heading north and picked up the 79 and drove 5 hours without incident until she reached a place called Skin Creek, she appreciated the irony._

She flicked on the light and checked the map. Her stomach twisted as she realised she only had about a 2 hour drive until she would reach the gates of Alexandria. Fuck.

_Daryl watched as the moon slipped between the sheets of cloud and flicked the ash of his cigarette._

_"__The moon lives in the lining of your skin."_

_For the first time since she'd gone, the primeval pain and anger he'd felt had begun to dissolve. It was still there, always would be, but it was starting to be overtaken by other things; the thought of another run with Aaron, the freedom that would come with being out of Alexandria, the hope that they could find some people to bring back to the town. He'd be leaving in the morning, it couldn't come soon enough._

Essie decided to stop for the night. She reclined the seat and watched the moon emerge from behind the trees. A line from Pablo Neruda slipped into her head, 'love is so short, forgetting is so long'. This was now so indelibly linked to…him that the memory physically hurt her but she didn't push it away, she let it fold over her like a sheet. She fell asleep in the light of the moon.

_Daryl nodded to Rick as he and Aaron left Alexandria. Rick nodded back and closed the gate behind them. He walked past Deanna's house and saw her standing on the porch, she raised her hand to him, he smiled back feeling the reassuring weight of the gun at his waistband. Time would tell._

Essie lit the second cigarette of the day and followed route 33 east, 2 hours if she was lucky…and she was feeling lucky.


	29. Chapter 29

**So this is quite a short chapter, Essie's journey was taking way too long and Google maps were beginning to confuse me. Still (still!) not sure where this is going and I'm STILL waiting for Monday. Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think if you can.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

She'd been driving for a good 40 minutes when she saw, to her left, a warehouse surrounded by a fence. The name was still visible and she recognised it as a canned food company; there were trucks still parked in the forecourt. She drove off the road and grabbed her rifle and binoculars; she climbed the nearest tree and scoped the place out. A lot of walkers moving around the trucks and building but not too many if she could lure them to the fence and pick them off that way. She scanned the surrounding area, trying to figure out why this place was relatively untouched. She was quite a way from any main route and there weren't any large towns nearby, perhaps that was it.

Essie tapped the fence with her machete and the walkers began to make their way towards her. She braced herself and took them out through the wire; they had company uniforms on, it didn't look like these guys had even made it away from work before they turned. She waited 5 minutes to see if any more appeared and, when she was satisfied, broke the lock on the gate and walked through.

T_ara dumped the rabbits onto the table and joined Glen and Noah in the armoury where Olivia was checking their weapons back in._

_"__Okey dokey." she said as she marked off the last pistol, "that seems about it. We're a little low on tuna and chicken, it seems to be the main thing Essie took when she left…apart from the car, so these will bulk up our meat supplies some." and she bustled off to the back of the pantry._

_"__I don't like tuna or chicken anyway." Tara called out after her and Noah smiled. They began to walk back home. _

_"__You know what pisses me off?" Tara said suddenly, "she went without even waiting to see what happened. I mean I get the whole 'lone wolf, gotta work it out on her own, doesn't need anyone' thing but she was with us. She must've known we'd stand by her?"_

_"__It takes a lot to trust someone." said Noah._

_"__Bullshit." replied Tara, "We trusted you. Glen trusted me. After everything that happened to her and to us I…just…I think she could've stuck around."_

_"__I agree." Glen turned away, "but it's too late now."_

Essie checked behind the line of trucks; they seemed to be locked up tight still. She tried to lift the roll door on the first one but it was locked and even her machete couldn't break it. Going along the line, they all seemed to be the same until she came to the penultimate truck. The lock was there but no one had clipped it into place. She took a deep breath and heaved the door.

_"__How'd it go today?" Maggie kissed Glen, relieved to see him._

_"__Fine. Brought back some rabbits."_

_"__Mmmmh, my hunter gatherer." she smiled and Glen laughed._

_"__Have Daryl and Aaron gone?" he asked. Maggie nodded._

_"__How many people do you think are left out there?" he asked, watching her; she turned to look at him._

_"__Enough. There are enough good people left." it was Glen's turn to nod._

_In the church, Gabriel stared at the cross. They didn't deserve to be here; they didn't deserve to be safe after what they did. They were killers, every one of them._

_Sasha, in the clock tower, breathed out slowly and took out the walker clawing at the walls. She checked the ammunition and went back to watching._

_Reg took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He leant back in his chair and knocked the desk. The small print of The Woman after the Rapture fell onto the floor. He reached to pick it up and stared; he missed her. He and Deanna had never had a daughter but if they had he hoped she would've turned out like Essie; smart, brave, strong but without that streak of pig headed stubbornness that would end up getting her killed. He was angry with her, so angry; Deanna and the others would've accepted her in the end, all she needed to do was compromise, soften around the edges just a little bit. But then would she have been the same person? All Reg knew was that he wished she was still in Alexandria, tearing through the town and people like a hurricane with her spiky arrogance and the utter certainty that she was always right. He put the print back on his desk._

They were piled up, on top of each other; so many of them. Essie took a step back.

Boxes of cans, almost too many to count. She couldn't tell what was in them but it didn't matter. She couldn't help it, she whooped and shouted. She jumped up and down; she may have even done a small victory dance. She pulled the roll door back down and walked round to the cab. Pulling herself in, she couldn't believe her luck, the keys were in the ignition. If the truck started then today was a good day. She turned the key and the engine coughed into life, fuck yeah!

Essie drove out of the yard and pulled up to where she had left her truck. She grabbed everything and did her best to hide it, pulling over branches and covering it with leaves. She could come back and collect it when they came to get the rest of the trucks. She had about an hour until she was at Alexandria and although her stomach twisted at the thought of seeing everyone again, she smiled. A walker came out of the bushes but she ignored it, jumping back into the cab. Opening the glove box, she found a CD of Stevie Wonder's Greatest Hits. She began to sing along to Once in My Life and her anticipation grew into excitement. The walker was joined by a few more and they began to shuffle down the road but were distracted noises off in the woods and changed direction.

When she was about 7 miles away from the town she had to stop. She was scared, actually scared. She lit a cigarette and thought about the enormity of what she was about to do. What if they didn't accept her back? What if she arrived at the gate and they turned her away? Could she bear that; to be rejected by her…her family? What if the town wasn't there anymore? What if she'd read the map wrong and she was in an entirely different state? Well, she had a truck full of food, a whole apology speech planned and if that failed then she'd just camp outside of the gate until they had to let her back in. Yes, that's what she'd do.

_Spencer was on gate duty. He enjoyed it, the solitude to just stare at the sky and think. He heard a rough engine coming down the road and pulled the screen to the side. A truck was coming towards the town and he didn't recognise it. He pulled the screen back and went to find someone, anyone._

_He saw Rick and Abraham and called out to them._

_"__There's a truck coming down the road! I don't recognise it!" _

_"__Get the others!" Rick shouted to Abraham who was already running back the way they had just come, "Spencer, go get Deanna." and he took Spencer's gun and ran towards the gate._

So it was still there and she was in the right state. The clock tower was like a lighthouse, a beacon to her. The wall was a solid as ever. Nothing had changed. She stopped the truck and just sat in the cab. Her heart felt like it would beat out of her chest. She didn't know what to do. Should she knock?

_Rick listened to sound of the idling engine. This was it. This was the beginning. Whoever was in that truck was gonna try and take the town. Well, they didn't know who they were fucking with. He heard Abraham arrive with Michonne, Maggie, Glen and some of the others from the town. Spencer and Deanna joined them._

_"__Do we know who it is?" asked Deanna quietly and he shook his head. He turned to the others._

_"__Get ready." he said and pulled the screen over._

Essie got out of the cab, leaving the engine running. She would just call out to whoever was on gate duty. Hopefully it was someone she knew and just…explain. She heard the screen rattle and it revealed Rick with a gun trained on her. Behind him, Michonne, Glen, Maggie and others had their knives out, literally. Deanna was standing behind Rick.

There was a beat of silence.

"Hey." said Essie, raising her hand at the assembled group, "I brought food."


	30. Chapter 30

**Let me just say, I fucking LOVE Carol! L.O.V.E. her! Anyway, again not much happens as I'm still trying to think of the 'Big Bad'. Thank you for reading and please let me know what you think if you can. Roll on Monday!**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

Rick didn't lower the gun. He stared at the woman standing on the other side of the gate; anger and relief mingled with the disbelief. He also admired her audacity but he wasn't about to let her off lightly.

"How do I know you're not part of some other group now?" he asked, still aiming.

"What?" Essie was shocked, "I'm not part of another group! I…I went to the Grand Canyon and then…and then drove back here…I…I just went to the fucking Grand Canyon…I was only gone a few weeks…there's no other group!"

"Why'd you come back?" asked Michonne, staring hard at Essie; this cut her to the core.

"I don't know." she answered, feeling the truth of this more than ever, "I thought…I thought I would be more…useful here." She was beginning to get angry now the hurt had kicked in. "I see I was wrong. Well, you can keep the fucking cans." She was beginning to pace up and down the angrier she got. "You were the ones who were going to exile ME! I left before you could do that but I realised that you couldn't survive without me. I've saved your arses 3 times. 3 fucking times! I've given my blood, sweat, tears and family to this place and you cut me off because you didn't like my methods. Well do you know what? I've driven across this country twice and I'm still fucking here so fuck you. You need me more than I need you!" She stopped to take a breath, put her hands on her hips and stared Rick down. The air seemed to crackle between them, superheated by the hurt and betrayal on both sides. Rick hadn't realised until he had seen her again but he'd come to rely on the knowledge that, like him, Essie could handle pretty much anything and without her, he was weaker. He was also more than aware they had abandoned Essie to keep themselves inside the walls; it had not sat comfortably with him for a while.

"Open the gate." a quiet voice cut through. Rick turned to see Deanna pushing Spencer to one side and moving to stand next to him.

"We don't know if we can trust her." he said looking down at the small woman; Essie heard this.

"Trust ME?" she nearly screamed this. "Trust me? You arrogant bastard! I've waded into herds of walkers for this town. I've saved your skin on more than one occasion and I've done the things you couldn't or wouldn't! And you don't trust me? Jesus, what more do you want from me?"

"For you to quit running off whenever someone doesn't agree with you. For you to stop and think for once in your goddam life. What I want is for you to start acting like you belong in this town and trust us!" Rick was beginning to shout now, "You have no idea about the trail of destruction you leave behind anytime you run away…"

Essie interrupted him. "Run away? You were going to exile me, I just got there first."

"And what about the other times; with the warehouse people, when the herd came, when I told you to wait to find Caitlin? The only way we survive is if we work together."

"As long as we work together, following you? No! I don't trust you! You're too sentimental, too soft!" Essie hissed these last words. Carl watched his father closely, he knew the pressure points that would make him blow and Essie was pressing every single one. Fortunately Deanna also knew this was very thin ice and the point of no return was fast approaching.

"Enough!" she shouted, "Rick, lower the gun." Rick did not move so Deanna pushed the gun down herself.

"Spencer, open the gate. We let Essie back in." she watched as her son pulled the gate to one side, Rick had not moved but he had also not raised the gun again.

Essie walked to the boundary and hesitated. As much as she wouldn't admit it to herself in that moment, this was the point when she either allied herself with Rick and his group completely or walked away. She didn't know if she could surrender herself to being part of his family. But what was the alternative? To survive but not to live. The old woman reared up in her memory.

_"…__you'll survive, probably longer than anybody else would, but that's all it will be, survival. And that isn't living."_

Essie stepped over, back into Alexandria.

She sat in the same chair she had sat in every time she had been in Deanna's living room. Deanna sat on the opposite sofa but this time she was flanked by Michonne and Maggie. It had been decided that it would be better if Rick was not part of this interview.

"What did you see out there?" Deanna asked and Essie told her about her journey. She made it clear there was no sign of a safe zone in any of the states she had passed through. She emphasised the fact that they were all in the same situation. Deanna visibly slumped.

"How'd you survive?" Maggie asked.

"By being smart, by being realistic." Essie replied simply and Maggie nodded.

"There was nothing?" Michonne asked and Essie shook her head.

"Then that makes this town even more important." said Deanna definitely, "We need people like you, Essie, to protect it, to help develop this community. However…" she held Essie's stare, " I will not have people brutalised and murdered inside these walls no matter what they have done or what they planned to do. This is non-negotiable." Essie nodded but she knew a time would come when there wouldn't be a choice; she felt that this time was nearer than anyone realised.

"Where do you want to live?" Deanna asked after a pause.

"I'll take the half finished house on the northern edge of the wall; the one with no frontage on the second storey."

"But it's not complete! There are no materials to make the second story habitable." Deanna was unhappy with this idea.

"I'll live there." Essie said with a finality that even Deanna couldn't argue with.

"There's one final matter we need to discuss." Deanna paused, "Caitlin and Finn."

Maggie saw the hurt in Essie on hearing those names. She realised how painful it must have been for her to leave how she did. Maggie had never really understood Essie even though she liked and trusted her but this gave her an insight into this hard but good woman. Essie would rather have ripped herself open that hurt those kids but she did what was best for the majority rather than what was best for her. Maggie's admiration grew.

"They took your leaving hard and I don't think it would be in their best interests to see you at the moment. I think it would be better if you stayed away from them for a while." Deanna did not look Essie in the eye. Maggie realised this was Deanna's punishment for Essie's rebellion and, in that moment, she hated Deanna for it. Essie just nodded as if she had been expecting it.

She walked down the steps of Deanna's house and began to make her way to the furthest edge of the town. People were going about their business but had heard she'd come back so they stared as passed but very few greeted her; she was still a pariah, still a stone in their shoe. The others had brought the truck inside whilst Essie had been with Deanna and she heard the cheers as she walked past the pantry but she didn't go in. She passed the church and saw Gabriel shadowed in the doorway, she felt his eyes on her but he said nothing. She pushed open the door to the doll's house and closed it behind her.

_"__Mom! Mom!" Sam skidded into the kitchen where Jessie was getting dinner together._

_"__You'll never guess what's happened!" he was breathless with excitement._

_"__What?" Jessie asked, mildly alarmed._

_"__Essie's back!" Jessie dropped the plate and didn't even hear as it smashed on the tiles._

_"__Did she say if she'd seen any signs of people?" asked Carol after Rick told her._

_"__She told Michonne that everywhere was like here." Rick replied. Carol was silent for a moment._

_"__Was she ok?" Rick nodded._

_"__Will she stay this time?" Carol watched Rick closely and he nodded again._

_"__Do you want her to stay?" she asked, Rick sighed heavily._

_"__She's useful. She's tough and she can help protect this town, protect us." he said finally._

_"__She's more than that though. She's part of this family." Carol said and when Rick didn't say anything, she continued, "Oh I know she gets under your skin. She can push people's buttons better than anyone I've come across. But she'd part of us now." She stared at Rick until he met her eye and then gave a rare smile._

_"__I know. It's just she's the most arrogant person I've met. I never know whether to hand her a gun or wring her neck."_

_"__Oh honey, it's because you two are so alike." and she walked into the other room leaving Rick to think about this._

There was a knock at the front door but Essie didn't move from her position on the floor to open it; she didn't want to speak to anybody. The knocking persisted and she kept ignoring it. Finally, they began to bang and she could ignore it no longer. She struggled to her feet and opened it to see Rick standing in the rain that had began an hour previously and had not stopped.

"What?" she asked wearily.

"We need to talk." he said as the rain dripped off his chin.

'No we don't." Essie said mulishly and Rick closed his eyes in frustration.

"Look, I'm…I'm sorry." he said.

"No, you're not. You meant every word you said, at least have the balls to recognise that." They stared at each other as the rain came down; Essie finally relented and stepped back to let him in.

_Daryl and Aaron managed to stop before they reached the washed out section of the bridge. The storm had caused the river to rise and it had destroyed the road and made the bridge impassable. Aaron wound the window down._

_"__We'll have to go back! We don't know how bad it will get before it stops!" he shouted over roar of the river. Daryl, who had barely noticed the storm, nodded and swung the bike around. They headed back towards Alexandria._

Rick wiped the rainwater off his face as Essie stood in silence.

"I did mean what I said. I have to protect my family and you are dangerous. But you are a part of that family now." he added quickly, before she could protest.

"I made a mistake when I didn't defend you…"

"Thank you" said Essie, finally, "I know that it must've been very difficult for you to admit you made a mistake." Rick felt the anger flare, she was fucking impossible, he'd just admitted to her he was wrong and she was still needling him but then he saw her smile and he couldn't help but smile back. He could see why she had had such an effect on Daryl; she didn't give an inch, she pushed and pushed just see how much you could take and then she pushed you even further; but if you could create even a hairline crack in her armour then a whole world was open to you.

"I'm…I'm sorry too. I should have trusted you." she admitted, "perhaps we both need to try harder." and Rick nodded. He turned to go.

"Have you eaten?" he asked.

"Yes." she replied.

"Well get some sleep." and looked surprise when she laughed out loud, "What?" he asked.

"Are you telling me to go to bed?" she was still laughing and he smiled and shook his head, exasperated by her all over again. He pulled the door shut behind him and felt more optimistic than he had in a long while.

Daryl and Aaron pulled into the town with the rain still pelting down. They put the vehicles away and went to their respective houses, frustrated that their search had been cut short yet again.

Daryl walked into the softly lit living room shaking the rain off himself. He stopped as he saw the others staring at him.

"What?" he asked.

Maggie took a deep breath and said "Essie's back."

She dimmed the storm lamp and rearranged the cushion under her head. She closed her eyes and let the rain lull her gently to sleep.


	31. Chapter 31

**Advance warning – this is just a genuine filler chapter but I missed not writing the story. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. Please let me know what you think if you can. I'm STILL waiting for Monday, I'm going to have to watch last week's episode just to pass the time.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

Essie woke and saw the sun was already up; she'd slept better than she had in weeks even if it was on the floor. She struggled to her feet and stretched, trying to get some feeling back into her legs and back.

"Can't do that many more nights." she thought. The rain had stopped but the sky was hidden in a shroud of dark, grey clouds. She opened the door of the living room that had served as her bedroom and shivered as the cold and damp hit her. Walking up the stairs, she saw that the rooms at the back of the house were finished, it was only the front 2 bedrooms and hallway that were open to the elements, there would be no opportunity to run from the bedroom to the bathroom naked. The summer sun had bleached the wooden frames and floors to a pleasant golden, giving the open rooms a feeling of being at the beach. She sat on the edge with her legs dangling over the street below and lit a cigarette. The town was quiet, she thought it might still be early but without the sun, it was a guess.

For the first time, the woods beyond looked shadowy and uninviting; perhaps it was the dullness of the day and clamminess that had hung around after the rain. She blew out a plume of smoke.

"You've got some nerve!"

The voice made Essie jump. She looked down to see Jessie's upturned face looking as dark and angry as the rolling clouds. She opened her mouth to speak but Jessie began again.

"You left without a word! Without a goddam word. The last I saw, you were half dead from a gunshot wound and blood loss and then you were just gone!"

Essie wasn't sure what to say that wouldn't antagonise her even more. She had never seen Jessie angry before and it was…unsettling.

"So you're not even gonna say you're sorry? You're just gonna sit there on the edge of your damn stupid house and stare at me?"

"Ummm…sorry?" said Essie cautiously.

"Not good enough!" shouted Jessie, "You should be ashamed of yourself. You're a grown ass woman and you ran away! And then you come back and don't even tell people. I had to hear it from Sam!"

"I didn't run away. I just left before this town could exile me." said Essie, watching Jessie carefully.

"Bullshit!" Jessie's voice echoed down the street, "There were plenty of people fighting for you, including me, but no! You just had to go off on your own because you don't need anyone; you can do it all by yourself and everyone else can go to hell! Well I hope the Grand Canyon was everything you hoped for!" Jessie stopped only because she'd run out of breath.

"I'm sorry." Essie tried again, "I didn't think…"

"Damn right you didn't think!" Jessie started up again, "You never do! And who the hell drives to the Grand Canyon? What, there just wasn't enough danger for you here so you had to go look for it somewhere else? It never occurred to you that there were people here who like you!? That wanted you to stick around? People who thought the town was better with you here? No, you really didn't think!"

The two women stared at each other and even though she had the physical higher ground, it was clear to both of them that Jessie had won this argument, but Essie couldn't bring herself to admit this. Jessie shook her head and walked away. Essie took another drag and felt like shit.

She needed some furniture; she definitely wouldn't choose to spend another night sleeping on the floor. There were some other unfinished houses next to hers so she went to investigate.

The first one was just a shell but the second proved fruitful. The living room had been completed and furnished with a sofa, tables, lamps, ornaments, a large, red rug and a huge, roll top desk with pull out drawers and a cupboard.

Essie took the easy to carry stuff first. She arranged the rugs and lamps in her new living room making it instantly more homely. She then brought the coffee table across which proved easy as it was on wheels. She was sweating by this time and still hadn't seen anybody else from the town. She decided she'd been right to choose this end of Alexandria.

She surveyed the sofa, it was a large, three seat affair with deep, squashy cushions and wide arms; she took the seat cushions first and then went back to get the frame.

"Ok." she said to the empty room, "they got it in here so it can come out too." She tried to lift the end but could barely get it off the floor.

"So I push it." she said. She walked round to the other side and pushed with all her might, her feet slipped on the floor, her back creaked, she gritted her teeth and leaned further forward; the sofa moved about half a foot. She shoved her hair out of her eyes and began again.

"Mom, I'm going out." Ron called to his mother who was sitting at the kitchen counter, she didn't reply, "Mom?" he called again and she looked up, surprised he was there.

"Hey, did you need something?" she asked, Ron looked at her like she'd gone mad.

"I just said I'm going out. Didn't you hear me?" he asked.

"Sorry honey, I was just thinking." she said.

"About Dad?" he asked cautiously and she smiled and pushed his hair out of his eyes.

"No about Essie."

"Have you seen her?" Ron watched her carefully, he'd been there when she'd found out Essie had gone and seen how angry and upset she'd been. He'd never known her to get that angry before but he guessed his mom had really liked the weird English woman who was also kind of cool.

"I went round there this morning and I kinda yelled at her."

"Did she yell back?" Ron asked, ready to go and break a window if the weirdo Brit had upset his mom.

"No and that's the problem, I think I might've been too harsh."

"Why don't you go round again and talk to her? Tell her she made you mad but that you still want to be friends."

"It's that easy huh?" Jessie smiled at her tall son who was growing so fast and was becoming old too early.

"Yeah, that's what you told me to do when me and Stu had that fight about the baseball and we were still friends." Jessie's heart sank a little at her son's use of the past tense about the friend with whom he'd been inseparable until…

"I think I'll do that." and she smiled, Ron smiled back and then slammed the door behind him even though she'd told him a thousand times not to do that.

Essie had managed to get the sofa to the door of the living room but it was too wide to push through, it would have to be turned on its side. She gripped the underside and heaved and managed to raise it enough to get her shoulder underneath it. Slowly, very slowly, she tipped the sofa until it was teetering on its edge; she reached up and held the top intending to set it on its side gently but it was too heavy and her arms were too short; she lost her grip and it crashed over.

"Buggery bollocks!" Essie yelled and stood upright, expecting to see the sofa frame in splinters but, surprisingly, it looked undamaged.

"Are you ok?" a voice called out from the other side of the doorway. Jessie was standing there looking at the sofa now wedged in the doorway.

"Fine." said Essie, shortly.

"Do you need some help?" Jessie asked with an apologetic look on her face. Essie, however, was still stubbornly prideful.

"No thanks, I can do it by myself."

"No." Jessie said, "You can't." Essie hesitated and then sighed.

"You're right, I can't. Thank you." she said and smiled at Jessie, who smiled back.

"To your left." shouted Jessie as she tugged on the sofa that was still on its side and even more difficult to manoeuvre. Essie pushed with her shoulder.

"No that's my left! Your left!"

"Make your mind up! You said left, I pushed left!" Essie shouted back. Both women were sweating and red faced.

"It's stuck!" Jessie tugged at the sofa again but it didn't budge.

"What? Oh, fuck's sake!" said Essie from the other side of the monster.

'I can't move it. You'll have to come round this side." Jessie ran her hands through her hair in frustration.

Knowing the windows were locked and having no other way, Essie unlaced her boots and climbed over the sofa. Jessie grabbed her hand and helped her down. Essie stood beside her, outside in bare feet, staring at the sofa well and truly wedged in the front door.

Carol and Michonne had met on their way to the armoury and heard the shouts from the unoccupied end of the street. They sped up and came upon the two women staring at a sofa stuck in the doorway.

Essie turned to see Carol; there was a beat of time. Carol nodded to her and she nodded back, there didn't need to be anything else.

"What happened?" asked Michonne, Essie didn't reply; she remembered what Michonne had said at the gate.

"It's stuck." said Jessie, stating the obvious.

"You want some help?" asked Carol and walked to the door.

Jessie and Carol were pulling on the bit that was outside, Michonne and Essie were pushing on the other side; both had no boots on, everybody was hot and frustrated.

"It's no good. I say we push it back in and change the position." shouted Michonne. They pulled and pushed again finally the sofa gave way and shot back into the hallway, knocking Michonne on her butt. Essie reached out a hand to help her up and Michonne took it.

"Thanks." she said.

"Don't mention it." Essie said and Michonne smiled at her, Essie relented and smiled back.

They shuffled the sofa into a new position and after a huge amount of effort got it out into the street. All four women cheered. They each picked up an end and carried it over to Essie's house and then realised they would have to get it in through the front door; and then it began to rain.

It was a good thing they managed to get the sofa through the front door much quicker, the rain was coming down hard but even so, Essie and Michonne were soaked by the time the sofa popped through the gap like a cork out of a bottle. Essie hadn't put her boots back on and her feet were freezing. The sofa was only slightly damp on one corner. With the cushions put back and the lamps turned on, the living room looked like a home.

"I like it." said Carol and the others nodded.

"Welcome home." said Michonne and Essie smiled with relief.

"Damn, have you seen the time?" said Jessie, "I gotta get back."

"Me too." said Carol, "I left something cooking, it should be about done. Essie, you wanna come over for dinner?" Carol's eyes were wide and innocent.

"No thanks" Essie answered without meeting her eye, "I just want to enjoy my new sofa."

"I can stay for a beer if that's ok? I mean, I don't want to gate crash or anything." said Michonne and Essie nodded.

"Great, just let me go change and then I'll be back over."

Essie surveyed her new room, she liked it, it was her own, and she didn't have to share with anyone. She didn't have to speak to anyone. She breathed in the quiet and then looked down at her bare feet, she'd go and rescue her boots later. She went to light a cigarette and then decided she would smoke it on the steps. She opened the front door to find her boots just outside and shielded from the rain. Surprised, she looked up and down the street but it was empty.

Daryl watched the other women leave, shadowed on opposite side of the street. When he'd first seen Essie, swearing and shouting at the sofa, he felt like he'd taken a punch to the gut. She was right there but he couldn't go over, didn't know what to say, didn't know what to do. Any words he had fell straight to the grave; he'd been about to leave when he saw she had no boots on, her bare feet vulnerable and delicate on the street. He was instantly transported back to the night her brother had been killed, the night when they had burned together; the memory of her foot resting against his leg, so close to each other.

And then she'd left, just like she had this time, without him. He'd tried to slam the door to his feelings closed, tried to lock it, never to be opened again but that hadn't worked. He didn't know what to do, he couldn't forgive her but he couldn't let her go. He didn't want to see her but he couldn't stand not to. He went into the opposite house and found her boots, crossed the road and put them on her doorstep. Through the window, he caught a glimpse of her in the orange glow of the lamps, wringing the rainwater out of her hair, alone but not lonely. He left, walking through the rain that had started again.


	32. Chapter 32

**I didn't do any work today. I had the house to myself so I wrote some more. I also watched the first 2 episodes of the new season again (and ate some cake but that's not important). Thank you for reading and please let me know what you think if you can.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

"So how far away was the warehouse where you found the canned food?" asked Rick as Essie pulled on her boots.

"About 30 miles, you head west on route 33 and turn off just before you hit the 79."

"And you said there were more trucks?"

"Mm hmm and a warehouse but I didn't get a look inside." She pulled the laces tight and stood up.

"We're going today." Rick watched as she strapped her knife round her leg.

"Who's we?"

"We're taking Glen, Rosita, Noah, Spencer and…Daryl. We'll have enough to get the food and drive the trucks out." Essie nodded with no sign of emotion, "We leave in 15."

After Rick left, Essie took out a cigarette and, with a shaking hand, lit it. This was it, this was the moment she had been dreading since stepping through the gate.

She walked slowly to the front gate where everyone was already assembled. She avoided looking at anyone but sensed the dark figure standing by Glen.

"Hey Essie, good to see you." said Rosita and she smiled gratefully. Noah offered her a fist bump and Glen smiled. Rick spread the map on the hood of the front car.

'So you say we need to follow route 33 to here?" and he pointed to the map, the others crowded round to look as Essie bent to see where he was pointing. Daryl flinched as her hair brushed the back of his hand.

"Yeah but I had to detour round this bit, there were walkers right across it."

"The bridge is out here, Head north on 50 and then pick it up by Lost Creek." Daryl rumbled and her stomach shot through with an icy fire.

"Daryl, Spencer and Noah, you're with me. Rosita and Glen, you're with Essie in the lead car. Use the walkies if we run into trouble." They nodded.

"Essie, take the Glock and the M76." Rick threw her the weapons but she threw the machine gun back.

"I'll just take the Glock, the M76 kicks too much." Rick scowled, why could she never just do as she was told and then reprimanded himself, she was a grown up not a child.

Essie drove and Rosita read the map, nobody spoke much for the first 20 minutes.

"How was the Grand Canyon?" asked Rosita cutting through the heavy silence.

"Big." answered Essie.

"Worth the trip?" Rosita asked in the same tone.

"Not really." Essie replied.

"I guessed as much." said Rosita and smiled out of the window. Essie cast her a sidelong glance and caught Glen's eye in the rear view mirror, he was also smiling.

"Arseholes." said Essie and smiled with them.

Half an hour later they picked up the 79.

"Are we good?" asked Rick into the walkie talkie.

"All good so far." answered Rosita and they continued.

Rick's car was silent. Spencer had fallen asleep; Noah was watching the world pass by through the window. Daryl, in the front seat next to Rick, was a sinkhole for sound.

Essie turned off the main road and pulled up next to her still camouflaged truck. She climbed the same tree and scouted again, the trucks were still there but more walkers had congregated in the forecourt.

"Walkers have got back in." she said into the walkie.

"Too many?" asked Rick.

"Nope." replied Essie and climbed back down as Rick stopped by the car.

They walked over to the fence and began to take them out through the wire; Essie noticed that Spencer was reluctant to get near the walkers. Glen held the wire fence open and they all got through.

"You check to trucks and Glen and I will scout out the warehouse." said Essie in a low voice, Rick nodded.

"The keys were still in the ignition but check the sun visors." Essie looked at Rick to check he understood.

"We have done this before." Rick said levelly and Essie looked at him apologetically.

"You're right, I'm sorry." and they looked at her surprised but she was already moving towards the warehouse side door.

She took point with the Glock at her side and knife in hand, Glen backed her up. She picked the padlock and nodded at Glen. She swung the door open.

Rosita kept watch as Daryl knelt down to break the padlock on the first truck, Rick waited behind him; he hadn't spoken a word since they had started out that morning. The padlock finally broke and they lifted up the door.

Essie and Glen walked through the dark warehouse; the metal shelves were piled high with boxes but the ones they checked were empty. They rounded the corner and stopped dead.

The truck was empty, Rick felt the tang of disappointment but there were 3 more to check.

Glen and Essie couldn't believe what they were seeing; there were crates, about the size of a footlocker, stacked on top of each other, some were open, spewing their contents. Some were filled with alcohol, finest single malt whiskey from Scotland, rum, brandy, red and white wine. Others were filled with bottles of perfume, boxes and boxes of cigarettes and cigars, laptops and wide screen televisions.

Noah and Spencer raised the door of the next truck and grabbed onto each other, it was filled with canned food, even more than the one Essie had brought back with her. They called Rick and Daryl over.

Essie and Glen moved to the other side of the warehouse; there were more crates filled with the same stuff.

"They were running some sort of smuggling operation." said Essie as she pulled the top off another box, filled with more alcohol.

"Holy shit!" Glen had opened another crate. It was full of guns, mostly M16s and Uzis, Essie pulled the top off another and it was full of ammunition.

"Get the others." he said and Essie nodded slowly.

Daryl and Rick tried the final truck but that was also empty, it hadn't been a total waste, maybe Glen and Essie had more luck. Rick turned to see Essie coming out of the side door.

"Any luck?" he asked.

"Some." said Essie, "you need to come and see this."

"What the hell?" gaped Spencer when Essie had led them back to Glen who had found even more alcohol.

"We need to get this stuff out and into the trucks as soon as possible." said Rick.

"Are we taking all of it?" asked Noah.

"As much as we can fit into one of the empty trucks." Rick answered, "Let's get moving."

Spencer found a parcel trolley and they loaded it up and carried a box each. All in all they did this 12 times.

"We're leaving the perfume?" asked Spencer, wiping the sweat off his face.

"I think the days of wearing Chanel No.5 are in the past." said Essie, not unkindly, "But we're taking the cigarettes."

Rosita whistled three times and they made their way outside.

"Some walkers coming our way, only 6 but more might follow." she said, scanning the horizon.

"I got them." Essie said, pulling out her knife and running towards the shambling walkers.

"Wait!" Rick hissed but she was already out of earshot, or pretending to be.

"I'll go." said Noah but Daryl was already following her.

She'd taken two out before he got to her. She pulled her knife out of a walker's skull and glanced at him but he was busy taking care of 2 more. When they were all lying on the ground, Essie wiped her knife and walked back to the others, Daryl followed. Neither of them spoke.

The others watched this; Noah shook his head but said nothing.

Daryl drove the weapons truck with Glen riding shotgun, Rosita took the other filled with the food accompanied by Noah. Rick drove the lead car and Spencer the other. Essie rescued her truck; glad to be alone for a while.

They drove in convoy, Rick took the lead followed by the truck with the food, then Spencer, then the weapons truck, Essie took the rear. Rick and Essie had the walkies.

They drove for about 15 miles before Rick slowed to a stop, the others pulled up behind him.

"What's happened?" Essie asked over the radio.

"Part of the hill's collapsed and partially block the road. We're gonna have to go around but the ground's wet, truck's could get stuck."

Essie got out and saw the others doing the same. She ran over to where Rick had stopped and saw the landslide had almost completely blocked the road; there was just enough room to get the trucks passed the tree line.

"This is not a good place to stop." said Spencer eyeing the dark treeline.

"We do this slowly and carefully." said Rick.

They drove the cars through first and then Daryl, at a snail's pace manoeuvred the weapons truck over the muddy and churned up ground. The wheels span but he made it through.

Rosita slowed to a crawl but halfway through, the wheels span uselessly; it was stuck. Essie had thought it was a stupid idea to leave the heaviest truck until last but didn't say anything.

"We're going to have walkers any moment." said Essie, scanning the tree line, "Why don't we break up some of the wooden crates and put them round the tyres, try to create some traction? Then we could use one of the cars to pull the truck?"

Daryl, Noah and Spencer began to break up the wooden crates, Glen and Rick hooked up the towrope while Essie and Rosita kept watch.

When they had finished, Rosita got back in the truck, Glen got in the car and the others stepped back. Rosita turned over the engine. Something rustled in the treeline and Essie saw a couple of walkers emerge.

"We got walkers." she hissed and took out her knife; 2 more appeared and the cracking behind them suggested more were on the way. Noah and Rick ran over and began to take them out. The truck's wheels span, the engine's screams drawing more walkers. Essie saw they were keeping the walkers at bay for now so she ran over to the truck and began to push it; all they needed to do was move the truck a couple of feet.

"Help me!" she hissed to Spencer who was frozen to the spot, staring at the walkers. Daryl turned to see Essie pushing the truck, slipping and sliding on the slick ground. He joined her and together they put their backs to getting the truck moving again, the wheels spraying both of them with liquid mud. Finally the truck gave a jolt, found traction and shot forward onto the hard road surface. Essie fell, landing face down in the dirt. Daryl grabbed the back of her shirt and heaved her upright. She made sure the others got their vehicles safely and then leapt into her truck and they drove off.

It took another hour and a half to get back to Alexandria. They filed through the gate and were greeted by most of the townspeople. Rick got out of the lead car, covered in dried blood. The others followed.

Deanna felt a surge of relief at seeing Spencer was unharmed but she noticed he was the only one not covered in blood.

"Is everyone alright?" she asked and then gasped as Essie and Daryl came round the side of the truck. The mud had dried during the journey back but they were still caked in it. It was impossible to tell if they were man or woman, so covered in the stuff as they were. Essie's long hair was dried into dreadlocks; Daryl's skin and clothes were indistinguishable from each other. Flakes of the stuff drifted to the ground whenever they moved.

"Oh my." said Deanna.

"Yeah, we hit some trouble on the way back." Rick said, neutrally, Deanna nodded.

"Well you two look like you need to get cleaned up. We'll sort the trucks out." Deanna said and stifled a smile as they both moved stiffly towards their houses.

"Oh no!" said Carol as Daryl got to the front door, "You're not coming into the house like that. You need to hose off first, you too Essie." as she walked past.

"What?" Essie asked indignantly.

"You can't go home until you hose off outside." Carol repeated as Maggie and Tara who just outright laughed joined her.

"That's not happening." said Essie.

"You can do this the easy way or the hard way." said Carol. Essie looked at Daryl who just shrugged.

"Ok." called Carol to Tara who was standing by the taps, "turn the water on." Maggie aimed the hose at Essie, whilst Carol took Daryl. Essie screamed as the water hit her chest, it was freezing!

"Fuck that's so fucking cold." she screamed.

"Language!" said Carol mildly, "Don't be such a baby." and Essie looked at Daryl as he ran his hands through his hair and began to wipe down his clothes. Maggie moved the hose and hit Essie full in the face making her scream again; she began to dance around trying to avoid the water.

"You're only making it worse!" laughed Maggie.

"You're enjoying this way too much!" stuttered Essie. Daryl stripped off his vest and shirt, standing in just his jeans. Essie wasn't going to let them think she was a wuss so she shrugged off her jacket and shirt and stood there in her vest and jeans as Maggie continued to spray the ice water on her. Even through this torture, Essie caught glimpses of Daryl and her stomach flipped.

Eventually Carol decided that they were clean enough to go home. She watched as Essie squelched up the street and felt Daryl wait until she was through her front door before he went inside.

He'd seen her scars before but they'd seemed so much more livid as Maggie hosed her down. He'd noted the new ones, now mixed and matched with the old ones. She wasn't as thin as when she'd left, rounder hips, no bones sticking up through the skin. He'd been glad the water was cold.

She spent another half an hour standing in the steaming shower. She wrapped herself in two towels, made a dash across the hallway and down the stairs to her warm den. Curling up on the sofa, she lit a cigarette, it was no time to be smoking on the steps.

She heard knock at the door. It must be Jessie come to laugh about the mud incident.

"It's open." she called and looked up as the door to the living room opened.

It was not Jessie; it was Daryl, hair still damp, eyes glitteringly dark in the lamplight.


	33. Chapter 33

**I'm not ready to talk about this week's episode so here is the next chapter. Please let me know what you think if you can. I'm going to make myself a strong mug of tea and quietly plot revenge on the writers. Thank you to Florence for inspiration and thank you, as always, for reading.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

Essie stared at him, painfully aware that she was wearing only 2 towels, one of which was slipping down. For some reason, she didn't want to move; because if she did he might disappear like smoke. She took a deep breath, trying desperately to think of something to say. In the end, she didn't have to.

Daryl flopped down on the sofa next to her, grabbed a cigarette from the packet on her coffee table, took hold of her hand and held it up to his mouth, lighting his cigarette from hers. He blew out the smoke and stared at her, no hurt or anger in his eyes.

"Did you find what you were looking for at the Grand Canyon?" he asked. Essie pursed her lips in mock frustration.

"No. I think I need to keep looking." and he nodded.

"Was there anything out there?" he asked, blowing out more smoke.

"Everywhere I saw was pretty much the same as here." and Daryl nodded again, it was what he'd expected.

"I did, however, meet an extremely interesting old woman." she said, hoisting the towel up. Daryl tipped his head to one side and raised his eyebrows, so she continued.

"We crossed paths on the edge of the canyon, frightened the life out of me when she tapped on the car window. She's the one that gave me the truck. She'd lived in this…well it was a wooden cabin but it was a hell of a nice cabin, with her husband, since the beginning. She was from England. She…forced me to realise that maybe Alexandria is the best place to be." Daryl stared at her.

"Forced you?" he asked.

"Well she told me to fuck off and get back here as I was being a bit of a dick about the whole thing." Essie dropped her eyes at the memory of the shame she'd felt as the old woman told her some home truths. Daryl laughed.

"I like the sound of her." he rumbled, Essie smiled.

He drew in more smoke and looked around the room, Essie watched him from the corner of her eye. She wasn't sure why but she hoped he…approved.

"Good choice." he said finally and then thumped the sofa, "I like this, comfortable." and he lay back.

"Yeah, well it was an absolute bastard to get in here. Took four of us just to get it across the road." Essie said, ruefully, "I thought Michonne was going to stab it at one point." and again Daryl laughed.

"He's relaxed here." she thought, "I'm not sure I've ever seen him relaxed before." and felt her stomach unknot slightly.

"So you here for good now?" he asked, watching her.

"I'm here for good, for now." she answered and that seemed to satisfy him.

She hoisted the towel up but it was no good, the thing was slipping again almost immediately. She stood up.

"I'm going to go and put some clothes on." she said with as much dignity as she could manage and began to grab items with one hand.

"I'll just go into the…" Essie gestured vaguely at the door with the pile of clothes in her hand.

"Why?" he half whispered, concealed in the shadows, "nothin' I ain't seen before." and Essie's skin began to prickle as if tiny flames danced across the surface.

"I…I just thought that maybe…maybe things were different." she stuttered. A small part of her brain that was still capable of rational thought was berating the rest of her for letting someone put her so badly on the back foot; the rest of her was just waiting for the lightning to strike.

"Ain't nothin' changed…can't change." He stood up and moved over to her. She held her breath, not sure about what she wanted but certain that she wanted something. He stood very close to her and breathed her in, the scent of the shower gel, the smoke from her cigarette and her warmth. She stared into his eyes and, for a moment, he was lost. But he moved passed her and opened the door.

"Carol be by tomorrow morning, she's got a job for you." and he left, shutting the door behind him. Essie's mouth fell open, she couldn't believe it; he left! And then she slowly smiled and nodded to herself.

She was eating breakfast when Carol arrived.

"You need to change your clothes." Carol said standing the other side of the table.

"Morning." said Essie pointedly, looking up at her.

"You've got some damage control to do so you need to change." Carol was having none of it.

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" said Essie, looking down at her jeans and t-shirt.

"You look like you're about to go into the woods and kill walkers."

"I thought that was what I was here for?" Essie was beyond confused.

"You're coming to work in the kitchen with me, you need to look respectable to the other women."

"I'm not working in the kitchen." Essie stood up, clanging her bowl on the table.

"You are. The people here are frightened of you. They're just waiting for you to make the same mistakes you did last time. So you're going to put on a dress, you are going to brush your hair and you are going to make nice with the fine ladies of Alexandria so they can see you are not a murdering monster." Carol stared Essie down but she was aware of what she was asking of her.

Essie was torn. On the one hand she knew Carol was right, these people were so stuck in the past things like appearance would greatly influence them. But on the other hand, she'd been familiar with these games all her life. There was a silent pause, Carol and Essie both staring at each other.

"Do I get to keep my boots?" Essie asked eventually?

"No." said Carol and Essie sighed.

Half an hour later Essie stepped outside, feeling naked and absolutely ridiculous. The dress was a short sleeved, black and white striped jersey affair that came to her knees. It was something that she would have worn before but before was a very long time ago. Her feet felt bare in the soft trainers; Carol had given her a short denim jacket to go over the top. She'd tied her hair up in a loose bun and wrapped a light blue scarf over the top to keep it neat. She had no weapon, no boots and no dignity.

She walked a little behind Carol who was aware that she had stripped Essie right down to the bone but she knew it had to be done, for the town and for Essie. Carol had to be certain that Essie could be the warrior without the shield and the breastplate. She had little doubt this would be the case but she needed know. Who knew what was coming. Breaking Essie down would make her stronger.

"I know what you're doing and I agree with you, I do need to ingratiate myself with the people who live here. But I also know you're doing this as punishment." Essie said quietly. Carol stopped but didn't turn round.

"I will do this for as long as I need but then I will go back to who I am. You can't change me by changing the way I look. My aunt tried that; first by cutting my hair and trying to teach me to behave in a certain way and, when that didn't work, by forever changing the skin I live in. But know this, once I'm done, you ever try to change me again and I will bring you down."

Carol felt the ice trickle down her spine and realised, for the first time, that Essie wasn't just like her as she'd thought, she'd not broken her down. Essie was a different sort of animal and Carol was glad she was on their side. Essie walked past her and continued towards the centre of town.

Michonne was coming the other way and saw them. At first she didn't recognise Essie.

"Holy crap!" she said involuntarily and Carol saw the Essie of a few seconds ago replaced by the Essie they were familiar with; she wondered if Daryl knew what she really was.

"Don't say anything." Essie said with a downcast face.

"What the hell is happening?" Michonne asked, incredulously looking at Essie then at Carol who seemed shaken.

"I'm about to go and make nice with the fine ladies of Alexandria." Essie echoed Carol's words.

"I didn't even recognise you." Michonne voice had got higher with disbelief.

"All right." said Essie grumpily, "I have worn dresses before."

"I know but you look so…so normal." Michonne walked round, looking at her.

"Enough. We've got work to do." Essie snapped but with also with a smile.

They walked into the kitchen and found Olivia talking to Erin. They smiled to Carol and then their faces dropped when they saw Essie. Surprisingly it was Olivia who extended her hand to Essie who shook it warmly.

"Essie's working with me today. I thought we could get a head start on making some meals to keep in the freezer, you know, just in case."

Erin and Olivia nodded, looking Essie up and down. Shelley Neudermyer walked in and audibly gasped at the sight of Essie. Olivia, embarrassed at this display of rudeness, filled the woman in on why Essie was there. Mrs Neudermyer, still staring at Essie like she might kill her right there, dragged Olivia and Carol to one side and, in the loudest stage whisper Essie had ever heard, hissed "You can't let that…that killer cook our food, She could poison it for all we know." Essie sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Listen…Shelley is it? Listen Shelley if I was going to kill you I'd give you fair warning and I would never, NEVER do it with food. Food is sacred." the woman's eyes grew huge with fear and Carol's heart sank, this wasn't going to work. Essie however continued to talk.

"I think it was the Duchess of Falbroth's cook, a fiery Italian gentleman who owned a Michelin starred restaurant in Knightsbridge and catered many gatherings at Buckingham Palace and Balmoral, who told me that food, like religion, was not to be tainted by such base actions. Of course Miranda adored him and paid a small fortune on the castle to renovate the kitchens for him." even Carol was dumbstruck.

"What?" whispered Shelley Neudermyer.

"Miranda, Duchess of Falbroth. She was a distant cousin of mine. Drowning in wealth, land and titles. Not like my family, I'm afraid most of our land and wealth were lost at card tables in the 18th century. We kept the title of course." Essie watched the woman standing in front of her carefully, enjoying it immensely.

"Title?" she asked weakly.

"Oh yes, I'm Lady Estella, Duchess of Northkirk. The family seat was in Pitlochry but we kept a house in Milan and the vineyard in France."

"Lady Estella? Duchess?" Mrs Neudermyer looked like she was about to faint.

"Yes, but one doesn't like to brag. So are we going to cook?" she turned to Carol who was also gaping at her.

Essie shrugged off the jacket and pulled the apron over her head and tied it behind her. Carol joined her.

"How much of that was true?" Carol asked, Essie turned to her in surprise.

"All of it."

"You're a Duchess?" Carol asked and Essie nodded and then saw Carol staring at her.

"Look, it meant little before and even less now. I've never used the title except to get backstage at a U2 concert in 1998." Carol hesitated before replying.

"Ok, don't expect to be curtsied to." and Essie smiled.

"But," continued Carol, "I think you've had an affect on Shelley over there. She might curtsey to you." Essie just shrugged.

Throughout the morning Carol watched Essie charm Olivia and Erin in a way she had never expected to see. Essie made them laugh with stories and they were eager to hear all about her life. She noticed Essie edited out the unsavoury parts and by lunchtime Olivia, Erin and Shelley Neudermyer would swear Essie was a true Lady. It also turned out that Essie was a very good cook and even taught Carol a few tricks.

The women watched the pot where Essie had sugar, tinned cherries and rum boiling.

"Ok, you need to step back for this because you have to burn the alcohol off before you can put it in a jar." Essie lit a match and set the pan on fire for a few seconds and then clamped the lid down to kill the flames, the women giggled and twittered.

"And that will then need to cool slightly. After a couple of days you can use this to make anything more luxurious. It goes well with sweet and savoury. It's particularly nice with white meat and Chinese 5 spice if you have any." and the women nodded and cooed.

"Ok ladies, if you don't mind I'm going to step outside for a few minutes?" Essie said as the women opened the lid and exclaimed how wonderful the smell was. She grabbed a packet of cigarettes from the plentifully stocked shelves and winked at Carol as she left.

She lit the cigarette and closed her eyes as the smoke hit her lungs.

"Why do you smell like rum and cherries?"

She opened her eyes to see Daryl leaning on his bow staring at her, a brace of rabbits in his hand.

"Carol and I have been cooking." she answered coolly even though her heart was beating faster.

"Why you dressed like a school teacher?"

"Carol thought it would allow the women to get to know me better." Essie suddenly felt even more naked than the other night. Daryl said nothing and Aaron joined them.

"Hey Essie. Woah you look nice." he said amiably.

"Thanks. I've been cooking. I'll take those in." she said gesturing at the rabbits.

She walked back into the kitchen and began to skin the rabbits.

"Where'd they come from?" Carol asked, taking another one.

"Daryl and Aaron were outside." Carol nodded but said nothing.

Late in the afternoon, Essie walked into her house and shut the door. She leant against it and kicked off the trainers. She stripped off the dress and put on her jeans and boots. 10 minutes later, as the sun was setting, she pulled herself over the wall and walked silently into the trees, the knife glinting in the fading light.

It was even darker in the woods and she wrapped the shadows round her like a second skin. She slipped through the trees, safe in the knowledge that she was probably the most dangerous thing out there. She'd had a moment of self-doubt when she'd put on the dress but it'd only been a moment. She could no more change who she was than a shark could stop swimming.

There was a crack to her left and a walker moved towards her. She quickly ended it and was about to move on when she saw a 'W' carved deeply into its forehead. She examined it closely but there was nothing else. She heard a second crack and swiftly span round to see Enid staring at her from behind a tree.

"It's a little late to be out here." Essie said in a low voice. Enid was silent. Essie shrugged and went to walk away.

"You should be careful." Enid said quietly.

"So should you." Essie replied, looking at the girl whom, she realised, she knew nothing about.

"You survived out here on your own." Enid stated.

"So did you."

"No I didn't." Enid replied and began to walk back towards the town.

Essie watched her until she was lost in the shadows.

She walked deeper into the woods and saw no more walkers. The night sounds were all around her and she felt herself settle into the darkness. She came to a small glade that felt familiar with the large boulder over the other side. An owl screeched and another answered. She sighed and decided she should get back before she was missed. She also needed to tell Rick about the walker but that could wait until the morning.

She landed with an ungainly thump on the grass below the wall and walked between the houses. The lights were on in the houses but her end of the street was dark and she liked it. A darker patch of shadow detached itself from the side of the house and her hand went to her knife but relaxed when she saw it was Daryl.

"You been outside?" he asked.

"I needed to see if they were still the same." she answered.

"They don't change." he said.

She went through the door, not shutting it behind her and entered her living room. She didn't turn the lights on; she took out a cigarette and heard the door shut. In the flare of the lighter she saw Daryl leaning on the doorframe.

It felt like the room was on fire, neither of them moving or speaking. She knew he could sense her wherever she was. It wasn't as juvenile as magic or as sentimental as romance, it just…was.

He saw the glow of the cigarette as she inhaled and the feeble light briefly lit her face. The shadows picked out her eyes and mouth in soft detail; the curve of her top lip, her eyes almost black, love and war together.

She moved in front of him and lifted her hand, he didn't move. She traced his mouth with her thumb and trailed it to his jawline. Still, he didn't move. She breathed in, sensing the heat boiling out from him.

"You gotta make up your mind." he whispered, "let me live or let me love you."

"It was never a choice." she replied and he breathed out.


	34. Chapter 34

**I'm still not ready to talk about Monday's episode. I think this chapter may have some trigger warnings for domestic abuse; I've tried to match it to how it's portrayed in the show. Thank you for reading and please let me know what you think if you can.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

She dissolved like the setting sun as he kissed her neck. Her back arched and was held by the solid wall of his chest. He wrapped his arm around her torso and she felt the muscles move. She tried to turn to face him but he held her fast. She could feel his body humming like piano wire and she responded.

A hammering on her front door was as shocking as a gun shot to them both. She wrenched open the door, ready to punch whoever it was but Sam stood in the dark wearing his pyjamas.

"Sam? What the hell?" she gasped.

"It's mom, she's lying on the floor and she won't get up. I think it's bad this time." he said. Daryl joined them but Sam didn't even seem to notice, Essie turned to him quickly.

"Take Sam and go and get Rick. I'm going to Jessie's." her voice was flat, emotionless.

"You got a weapon on you?" he asked and she knew he was not worried about her safety.

"No. I won't kill him." she said and took off down the street. Daryl looked down at Sam and went to get Rick before this became a clusterfuck.

Essie opened the door and saw Ron with a bat in his hand. He relaxed only slightly when he saw who it was.

"Where's Jessie?" she asked and he took her through to the kitchen where she saw a blood stain on the counter corner. Over the other side Jessie was lying on the tiles with a bloodied nose and bruise already forming on her cheek.

Essie felt for a pulse and found it steady. She put her hand to Jessie's mouth to check her breathing.

"Is she dead?" Ron asked, Essie looked at him and saw herself from her past, not crying but only because he knew how pointless it was.

"No. She's unconscious. Where is he?" Essie asked in a low voice.

"I don't know. He's been drinking, he started on me and Mom got between, he hit her and she fell and didn't get up."

"Go and wait on the porch steps, the others will be here soon. Take the bat." and he nodded and left. She turned back to Jessie and gently pulled her hair away from the blood.

"Oh love, you should have let me deal with this sooner." Essie felt the back of Jessie's neck and couldn't detect any obvious injuries. She heard Rick talking to Ron on the porch but didn't bother to turn as they came in.

"She's alive." Essie said before he could say anything, "no thanks to the people of this place." She stood up and faced Rick.

"You knew about this?" and he nodded.

"Another one sacrificed so your group can stay here?" she asked and saw his face harden but she held up her hand before he could say anything.

"I don't where that bastard is but Ron said he's drunk. You need to go and find him, if I go I will kill him."

"What makes you think I won't?" Rick asked.

"Because you have too much to lose. That's how the line goes, isn't it?" the acid in her voice was enough to burn him.

'What the hell are you doing in my house?" Pete's voice bellowed from the doorway.

Rick felt Essie move but put his arm out to stop her and spoke instead.

"You did this to her?" he asked and pointed to Jessie still on the floor.

"Get out of my house and stay away from my wife." Pete shouted and moved towards Rick and then seemed to see Essie for the first time.

"Why's this crazy bitch here?" he asked and Rick decided Pete was the luckiest man in the world in that moment because Jessie moaned and she chose to check her friend rather than deal with him.

"Please, I'm fine. Please just go. He won't do anything again." Jessie said weakly, struggling to get up.

"No, stay lying down." Essie said, gently pushing the bleeding woman back but Jessie shoved her away and struggled to her feet, leaning heavily on the counter.

"Please just go. I fell and hit my head. I'll be fine." Essie and Rick looked at each other incredulously.

"You heard my wife, she fell. I'll check her over." Pete's voice was now triumphantly belligerent.

"The fuck we're going. You could have been killed!" Essie said, pleading.

"Just get out of here." Jessie nearly screamed and Rick grabbed Essie and pulled her away. She saw Ron close the door without looking at them and only then did Rick let her go.

"What the fuck?" she shouted at him, "we're not leaving her there!"

"We can't do anything if she won't admit it." he said.

"Oh fuck off! You're not a police officer anymore; you don't have to wait for her to press charges! He could kill her!" Essie was still shouting.

"I can't do anything. You can't do anything. He's the surgeon here and they've known this has been happening for a long time and done nothing. We have to wait for the right time." Rick sounded defeated but Essie was too angry to acknowledge it.

"If you won't do anything, I will." and she began to walk away but Rick grabbed her arm. She swung round and punched him but he'd been expecting it and she caught his shoulder rather than his face. He held onto her but she kicked out and caught his knee; he fell but brought her down with him. She swung another punch and connected with his jaw, his head was ringing but he pulled her arm behind her back. She kicked out again and got him in the stomach. Daryl and Michonne pulled them apart and manhandled them into the house before anybody in the town realised what was happening; Essie struggled all the way.

"Get the fuck off me." she twisted viciously in Michonne's grip. Rick wiped his bloodied nose with the back of his hand and stared at her. He wanted to let her go, wanted her to help him rip Pete apart but he knew it would be suicide.

"Stop!" he said to her as she broke Michonne's hold, "Please, stop."

It was because he'd said please that she complied. She turned to face him.

"We will deal with him. We will! But we have to wait. We have to."

"Ok." Essie's voice was low, "but if we wait too long and she dies…nobody will be able to stop me." and she walked out leaving the others staring uneasily at Rick.

She walked up the silent street, purposefully not looking at Jessie's house. She could feel the anger boiling in her like oil. She hated Rick for stopping her, hated herself for allowing Rick to stop her. She knew she was betraying Jessie and her sons, she was betraying herself for allowing it to continue.

She heard footsteps behind her and for a moment she hoped it was Pete coming for her, then there would be no need to wait. She turned to see Daryl but kept walking.

"Wait." he said, but she kept moving.

"Wait!" Daryl could see what was happening, she thought she was betraying her friend so she was shutting herself off, closing in on herself and that made her dangerous. She kept walking up the street and he followed her.

Essie was almost at her door when she finally turned to him. He'd been expecting anger, hatred; he'd not been expecting to see loss.

"Go back." she said, "Please go back."

"I ain't going back." he said quietly.

"I've left her in that house. I fucking left her! I could stop it right now! But I'm not. I'm leaving her!" she walked into her house and he followed.

"Rick's right, you do somethin' now and it'll come back on you." he watched her as she fumbled with the packet of cigarettes.

"I don't give a shit if Rick is right, she's on her own with that bastard! And I'm letting it happen." she flicked the lighter but nothing happened, she tried again and then threw it across the room.

"Hey!" shouted Daryl, "she knows what to do, she knows how to survive it. That son of a bitch will get his but you gotta wait." and he lit her cigarette.

"And if it's too late?" she asked, watching him through the smoke.

"Weren't too late for you. Weren't too late for me neither. And we dint have no-one looking out for us." he said this very quietly and she stilled in the moment. She thought about how she still didn't really know him but he seemed to know her so well. It scared her.

"But we should have." she answered, "I need a drink." and she pulled a bottle of Talisker from the desk cupboard and felt the satisfying crack as the seal broke. She took a gulp of the scalding whiskey.

"You sure you wanna do that?" Daryl watched her and she smiled slightly at the recognition of what he meant.

"Don't worry, this has never been a problem for me. I've never used alcohol to self-medicate. I saw where that can lead with my mother, I just wanted a taste of home." and he nodded and took the bottle she offered.

He sat beside her on the sofa and lit his cigarette. He didn't know what to do, whether to touch her and was surprised when she leant her head on his shoulder. He sat very still, not wanting to break the moment and he was transported back to a time in his childhood when he'd run away after a particularly bad beating. He'd sat behind a wooden shed crying and bleeding when a stray cat had wandered up to him. It hadn't been afraid and he'd held out his hand, the cat had sniffed it and then sat on his lap until it had got too dark to see. Essie shifted slightly, tucking her legs under her and reached for another cigarette, she lit two and passed him one.

"Are you leaving tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yeah, gonna try further out."

"I killed a walker tonight, it had a w carved into the forehead. I think we've got trouble coming." Essie looked up at him.

"Nothin' new." he said and she laughed. He put his arm around her and she leant further into him. The night travelled into the morning.

Essie took a deep breath and walked through Deanna's door. Rick was already there. Essie didn't look at him.

"I need to leave again." and before Deanna could say anything, Essie continued, "I want to go on a scouting trip."

"Absolutely not." Deanna said.

"I think there's something…someone out there. I need to go and see." Essie spoke quietly; there was no anger or frustration, just a calm certainty.

"If there is someone out there, you can't take them on your own." Deanna stared hard at her.

"I'm not going to take them on myself, if there is anybody out there. I'll just watch and report back here. Listen, you don't have anybody else. Nobody from Alexandria is ready, Aaron and Daryl are going on a recruitment trip, Rick and his group all have jobs here, I'm the only one. And…I'm expendable." Both Deanna and Rick opened their mouths to protest.

"It's true." interrupted Essie, "I don't have a role here, yet. I've only just got back so no one will miss me and I've survived out there on my own before. Let me do this."

"You really think there's someone out there?" Rick asked and she nodded.

"I don't like this at all." said Deanna.

"You don't have to like it. You also better hope that I'm wrong." Essie said.

"All right, you can go but I only want you gone for 2 days. If you don't find anything in that time you come back here." Deanna didn't want her to go, she wanted Essie to stay and reintegrate into Alexandria but she also knew that Essie's instincts, like Rick's, were important.

Essie was loading her truck when she saw Reg come round the side.

"I haven't had a chance to speak to you yet and you're leaving already." he said.

"I know but this is the right thing to do, for the town."

"Are you sure you're not doing it for yourself?" he asked.

"No, I want to be here but I want this place to be safe." she stopped loading her bags and looked at him. The sunlight glinted off his glasses and she realised how much she had missed him.

"But what about you? Will you be safe out there?" his face was filled with concern.

"Have you met me?" she asked and he laughed.

"I know but I worry about you." and Essie smiled at him.

"I will be fine out there and when I get back you and I can have some bacon sandwiches and talk about…stuff."

"Ok, maybe you and I can talk about Daryl's intentions." he said and laughed again at her reaction, she looked shocked and appalled.

"Oh don't look like that, I don't think too many other people know but you're special to me." and then wondered if he'd said too much.

"Thank you." Essie said and truly meant it, "I've never had a…a father who cared about me so…thank you."

"Come back soon." Reg said and watched as she drove through the gate.

Essie drove for 2 hours through the back roads that led away from Alexandria. She didn't see anything out of the ordinary, if you could call decimated towns crawling with walkers ordinary. She finally stopped on a road that was little more than a dirt track going up into the mountains.

She got out to stretch her legs and breathed the clean, cold air. She left the truck by some wrecks and walked into the pine forest. She marked her way on the trees and couldn't help but draw parallels with Little Red Riding Hood.

After walking for another hour and seeing nothing, she started back to her truck when she heard movement in the brush to her right. It didn't smell like walkers but she had her knife out ready. A figure emerged.

"I thought we'd meet again." he said in the same soft tone.


	35. Chapter 35

**I'm trying to fold the story back into the programme but only in so much as to move it along. I won't try and re-write the episodes to include Essie, that would be boring and pointless but I am going to pinch things from season 6 that I like. Still not sure where this is going (as usual), please let me know what you think if you can.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

"It looks like you were right." Essie said after a beat and he smiled.

"Did you get back to your friends?" he asked, leaning on his stick as if they were catching up over coffee.

"Got back to them, left again, went back again, left again but only for 2 days." she said, squinting at him in the sunlight.

"Well I suppose you gotta leave sometimes just so you can go back." and Essie laughed.

"That either makes no sense or complete sense."

"You let me know which one you decide on."

"I take it you haven't found who you were looking for?" she asked.

"Not yet but I think I'm close maybe." and he looked around as something rummaged in the undergrowth but turned back when nothing appeared.

"My truck's close, can I give you a lift anywhere?" Essie hoped he'd say yes.

"I'll walk with you a way, then I'll see." and they headed off in the direction of the truck.

"So did you heal ok?" he asked after a while in companionable silence.

"I did, took a while for body and soul to come together but I think I'm nearly there." and he nodded as if it was what he'd been expecting.

They crested the slight hill and Essie saw her truck but something was wrong. She broke into a run even though he tried to stop her.

It was a wreck; tyres slashed, windscreen smashed, engine shredded, even the seats were ripped, everything useful taken. Essie walked round, disbelief etched on her face.

"Who the fuck would do this?" she asked, he was watching the tree line.

"My guess is the people I met a day or two ago. Tried to take my stuff. I fought the two of them off but they were messed up. Called themselves Wolves…"

"Oh shit." interrupted Essie, "did they have W's carved on their foreheads?" He nodded.

"I've come across them before. I think they were the ones that destroyed my camp months ago, slaughtered everyone except my brother and me but it was a close run thing. Then, when I was at the warehouse, where you found me, the…leader talked about them. I've seen walkers with W carved into their heads."

"Yeah, they're bad people all right. I guess we're walking."

"I guess you're right." Essie hefted her pack onto the other shoulder and kept her gun in hand, safety off; they were in Wolf territory now.

They walked in silence through the forest following the road but keeping in the trees for cover from both human and walker. The sun slid down and the forest turned from green to black. They found a clearing and decided to make camp.

Still in silence, they worked as a team; Essie set up the perimeter and he collected firewood. She returned to see him boiling water and taking out a packet of oatmeal.

"I have something better than that." she said and rummaged in her pack. She proudly produced two cans, one of beans and hotdogs, the other of chicken noodle soup.

"Here, you choose." she threw them to him and caught them. He looked down at them as if she had thrown him gold bars. He tossed the chicken noodle soup back and they set their food to heat up.

"I can't remember the last time I had hotdogs." he said after a while.

"You should come back to my home. There are all the hotdogs you could eat and more. We need people like you, especially now." Essie watched as he ate his first mouthful and an infectious smile spread over his face.

"Thank you but I'm gonna keep looking." he said, "how far away are you from your home?"

"Miles and miles. I'm going to look for a vehicle tomorrow. They're expecting me back soon. Where are we?"

"I don't know. I've kept heading east and that's they way we're going now but I'm not sure exactly." He watched her as she ate. This was the same broken woman he had nursed back from the dead but he got the feeling that she had done some growing since he'd last seen her.

"So you say you came across these Wolves before?" he asked, watching her in the firelight.

"Yes. They ripped through our camp without any warning, killed everyone before I could do anything about it. We ran…we just ran." she stared beyond him, into the past.

"Is your brother still with you?" she shook her head, still looking away from him.

"He was shot by the people who tried to kill me before you found me."

"They nearly succeeded." he said quietly but she didn't answer.

"I'm sorry." he said a while later when the silence had got too much even for him.

"We've all lost someone." she said.

"That we have. That we have. My name's Morgan." and she looked up at him and smiled.

"Hi Morgan, I'm pleased to meet you." and he laughed.

"I'll take first watch." Essie said and Morgan nodded.

She woke with the sun rising over the trees and the smell of a fire burning. She rolled over and saw Morgan feeding it with small twigs.

"You talk in your sleep." he said mildly and she rubbed her hand through her hair, not fully awake.

"What?" she mumbled.

"You talk. In your sleep. Who's Caitlin?" he asked.

"She's a child I rescued, she and her brother and some other kids. We took them back to our town. They're safe there."

"Sounded to me like you'd lost her and couldn't find her." he kept feeding the fire.

"I think I probably have. I…I had to leave my town for a while, some people took her, tried to take my home. I stopped them but at a price…"

"You killed people?" he hadn't stopped.

"Yes. I killed people. They deserved it."

"Nobody deserves to be killed." he said quietly, "all life is precious."

"No." Essie said just as quietly, "there are people who will kill you for the clothes on your back or the boots on your feet. There are people who are no longer people. We have to protect the ones who can't protect themselves."

"Even if you lose yourself doing it?"

"I haven't lost myself, I know who I am. I know what I am. The world needs people like you but it also needs people like me. Balance, always balance." she stared at him

"You think we're opposites?" he asked, uncertainly

"I think we're balanced." and he met her eye and nodded.

"We should get moving." he said after they had eaten and he tamped down the fire.

"You still want to travel with me?" she asked. He didn't answer but threw her bag over.

They walked in silence for most of the morning, each of them lost in their own thoughts. They came to the road again and followed it. Morgan got the map out.

"I think we're lost." he said.

"I have no idea. I can follow main roads but other than that I'm totally at sea." Essie said.

"I say we follow the road, see where it takes us." and they headed off. After a couple of miles Essie stopped.

"Can you hear that?" she whispered and Morgan nodded.

"Sounds like a lot of walkers. Comin' from over that way." and he pointed past the curve in the road. They headed through the woods and saw a warehouse with trucks lined up. A huge knot of walkers was surrounding a car in the middle of the forecourt.

"Someone must be trapped in the car." Morgan said.

"Or it could be a trap." Essie watched the movement.

"Do you wanna go see?" Morgan watched her and the internal conflict. She stood up, drew her knife and ran towards the fence, he followed.

They made it to the car, Morgan taking the left side, Essie taking the right. She felt the world flatten and grow silent as she concentrated on carving a path through. She saw the car door open and turned to get back to the gate; she felt Morgan and the two from the car follow her. They got through and the sound returned to her world, she looked at the people they had saved and nearly died on the spot.

Aaron had his hands on his knees, breathing hard. Daryl was watching Morgan as if he hadn't even seen her. She met his eyes and he nodded, she nodded back. Aaron was talking to Morgan but she could only stare at Daryl, almost drinking him in.

"Could you tell us where we are?" Morgan asked, oblivious to the world melting around Essie. Daryl took the map he proffered and saw the notation. He looked at Morgan and then at Essie who read it.

"This world is insane." she said flatly and Morgan laughed.

It was pitch black by the time they made it back to Alexandria. Immediately Essie knew something was wrong. This was confirmed when they followed the light to see Rick draw his gun and shoot Pete in the face. She looked down to see Reg bleeding from his cut throat and the world cracked like dropped porcelain.


	36. Chapter 36

**I've come back to this story after a bit of a gap, there was such a lack of Daryl goodness in the first half of the new series I was stuck for inspiration (which is ridiculous). Anyway I hope you enjoy this and please let me know what you think if you can. Happy New Year.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

The pearly dawn rose over the treeline; sleep had eluded most and faces were drawn and pale. Essie lit another cigarette and inhaled deeply.

The bodies had been moved to the graveyard, one more reverentially than the others. She watched as Rick led Morgan towards the house that served as a cell and blew out a stream of smoke. She rubbed her hand over her face, she was so tired and she ached down to her bones.

The night had been spent in a blur of panic and then a blur of grief for everyone. The gate had been secured and the town searched to see if any more walkers had got in; all this had been done in relative silence because no one had any words left.

"Looks like we're clear." said Maggie, sitting down beside her. Essie nodded but was too tired to speak.

"What happens now?" Maggie asked, staring at Essie who drew hard on the cigarette.

"We just keep going, what else is there to do? It's not like we can ask the apocalypse to hold on for two minutes whilst we get ourselves together."

"How can you be so cold? Reg is dead!" She had never seen Maggie look angry.

"I have to be cold! You can't give in. Yes, Reg is dead; but so are millions of other people and there is no one left to mourn them!" Essie's voice began to rise and other people stopped to look at the two women. Maggie stood up but Essie did the same and grabbed her arm.

"You can waste time and cry over those that didn't make it but I would rather fight to keep the rest of us alive. Grief is a weakness! And when you're weak, you die! Lawrence was weak and he's dead, Noah's dead, your sister's dead…" Maggie slapped Essie and she stopped, reaching up to where the hand had landed.

"Stop. Just stop." Maggie didn't shout, she whispered and that's why Essie didn't react. She watched as the other woman walked away; she picked up the dropped cigarette and drew in deeply.

Rick came down the steps of the house, leaving Morgan locked in the room, and saw the exchange but knew better than to interfere. People needed to work out what had happened and if they needed to fight it out then who was he to stop it. He made his way towards the graveyard.

Essie was angry, again. She knew she was right, they didn't have time to grieve! Why couldn't anyone but she see that? She became the monster because she could see the truth. She'd seen the truth about Pete, she'd told people about him and no one had listened and now Reg was dead but there was no time to think about it because something was coming. She hoped to God it wasn't going to be today or tomorrow but they had no time; they needed to be fortifying the town, setting patrols, watching the trees.

She walked past the church and saw Sasha, hollow eyed, coming out. She nodded to her and then headed to the tower, if Sasha was in the church there would be no one on guard. How had these people survived for so long when they couldn't even organise guard duty properly? What was it going to take for these people to wake the fuck up?

Essie climbed the tower wearily and set up the scope. The sun shone incongruously and a few clouds drifted in the blue; she settled into a more comfortable position and watched the road.

"I'm going to be in this house when it burns down." she thought.

Rick looked at Deanna as she stared at the bodies.

"Let the trees have him." she said and walked away.

They loaded the body into the car and Morgan slammed it shut. Rick drove through the gate and made sure it was shut after them, he waved to Essie up in the tower and she signalled back. He felt a little better leaving the town, even for a short time, knowing Essie was there.

She'd been up in the tower for 3 hours when she heard the door open. She looked up and was surprised to see Sasha.

"Hey" she said.

"Hey" replied Sasha and sat down next to her. Essie had never really spoke to Sasha, she knew she'd lost her brother before they'd arrived in Alexandria and had recognised the pain and anger, Sasha was too familiar for Essie.

"Have you come to relieve me?" she asked but Sasha didn't reply so Essie kept quiet.

"I like it up here, makes me feel like I have some control." Sasha said eventually, "Killing the walkers, clearing them, I could keep count. It wasn't enough. I thought I was dead and my body just hadn't caught up yet."

"And now?" asked Essie, looking through the scope not at the woman next to her.

"I think I'm getting better. Maggie made me see things clearly."

"Since yesterday?" Essie asked incredulously and Sasha stiffened.

"I'm not saying that's not the truth" Essie continued quickly, "it's just that complete change rarely happens and it's even rarer after just one conversation."

"Yeah well maybe I just needed a push in the right direction." Sasha snapped back.

"Hey whatever you need to make it through. I'm not saying it's not real I'm just saying it might be an idea to check you can walk before you can run."

"Like you do?" Sasha looked hard.

"Believe me when I say I'm not the poster child for healthy decision making."

"No, you're not. Which is why you need to watch your mouth when you talk to people like Maggie. If you ever say things like that to her again, you and I have got a problem." Essie and Sasha stared at each other. If they had been in the Wild West, the town's folk would be rushing their children inside and banging the shutters closed.

Essie took breath and nodded, "You're right, it was a low blow and I shouldn't have said it." Sasha accepted this and the town's folk breathed a sigh of relief and opened the saloon again.

Essie climbed down from the tower and made her way over to the gate. One of the Alexandrians was on duty.

"Can you watch the gate for me? I just need to go back home?" the woman asked with a look of desperation on her face.

"Sure" Essie sighed and watch the woman trot back to her house. She leant against the fence and closed her eyes and then opened them again, it wouldn't do her reputation much good if she fell asleep on guard duty. She pulled a cigarette out of the packet and lit it.

"They give you cancer." said a small voice, Essie turned to see Caitlin staring at her with an inscrutable look on her face. Essie's heart sank, she would rather face a herd of walkers than this.

"Caitlin I…" she began but the child interrupted.

"Shut up! You just shut up. You said you wouldn't leave us and you did. You left without even saying goodbye!"

"I said I wouldn't leave you unless I had to and I had to leave." Essie tried to keep her voice low.

"You're a liar, you could've taken us with you. You could've taken me with you! And then you came back but didn't even bother coming to get us. I hate you! And now Reg is dead and it's all your fault!" Caitlin was screaming and crying, Essie tried to hold her to calm her down but the child scratched and clawed at her. People came out of their houses to see what was happening.

Essie finally managed to grab Caitlin and pin her arms to her side.

"Listen! I did what I had to do and I would do it again! I…I should have come to see you when I came back but I didn't because I was scared." Caitlin stopped twisting and kicking and stared at her. Essie let her go.

"You were scared? Of what?" she asked.

"I was scared of you. What you think of me is more important than virtually anything else and I knew I'd let you down so…I was scared of seeing you again." Essie thought that the truth was better than anything else.

"But you're not scared of anything." Caitlin searched her face, trying to find the lie but couldn't.

"Well I'm scared at the thought of losing you and your brother."

Essie held her breath as the war raged inside Caitlin until the child sagged and rushed into Essie's arms. She picked her up and held her very tightly whilst Caitlin cried and gripped her neck.

"Don't go again, please! Don't go."

"If I do, I'll take you and Finn with me." Essie hoped she wasn't lying.

Rosita and Maggie arrived, along with the Michael family who had been looking after Caitlin and Finn.

"Everything ok?" asked Rosita and Essie nodded still holding Caitlin. She was nearly knocked on her arse when Finn barrelled into her and wrapped himself around her legs. She picked him up by the back of his shirt and held him beside his sister. Most of the others had come to see what was happening. Maggie smiled at Essie who mouthed 'sorry' and smiled back

"That is a shit load of child that woman is holding." mused Abraham.

It was agreed that Caitlin and Finn should remain with the Michaels until Essie could get another room sorted but they could visit anytime they wanted.

Essie watched them as they headed back to the house and felt her heart grow a little lighter as Caitlin kept looking back and waving but then she caught sight of Deanna standing on her porch. She'd grown to care deeply for Reg and had only known him a matter of weeks; Deanna had been married to him for decades. She could only imagine the depths of her grief. She heard a car engine and pulled the shutters aside to see Rick and Morgan returned safely, she opened the gate and they rolled through.

"You see anything out there?" she asked.

"Nothin' but a few walkers and trees." Rick said.

_The spotter watched the car drive away and radioed back to camp._

_"__They're on the move, tell Yellow Team to watch for them heading east."_

Night blanketed the town and Essie lit another cigarette in the light of the storm lamp turned down low. It was raining again; lightening cracked the clouds and veined them with light. She poured the whisky into a glass and raised it in the solitude of her room.

"All grief to refrain, for we may and might never meet here again, here's a health to the company." and downed the glass. She ran her hands through her hair and poured another shot. The knock on her door made her jump.

She opened it to see Daryl standing in the rain.

Essie poured him a glass and watched him light a cigarette.

"Bad night." she said and he nodded.

"Morgan the guy who patched you up after the warehouse?" he asked.

"Yeah but I only learnt his name a couple of days ago. I had no idea he knew Rick."

"He a good guy?" the smoke curled in the air.

"I think so. He could've left me to die. But I've decided to wait to make a judgement on new people." and Daryl nodded and drank some whisky.

"What are your thoughts on the people who set the trap?" she asked and was surprised when Daryl sat back and rubbed his hand over his eyes.

"I thought I was dead, I was ready to die and give Aaron a chance." Essie's eyes went wide but she didn't say anything.

"He told me I was the reason he brought us back to Alexandria. He said he knew I was a good man." He took another mouthful of whisky.

"I ain't never thought of myself like that."

"Maybe you should start?" Essie said but Daryl remained quiet. She refilled his glass and topped up her own. Outside, the rain got heavier and the thunder rumbled.

"We should've kept looking for the guy in the red poncho." he rasped and Essie was bright enough to keep silent.

"I thought 'bout you when we were trapped in that car. Part of me thought I should go cos I didn't have nothin' to lose but then I thought 'bout you and I wanted to make it out of there alive."

"You thought you had nothing to lose?" Essie turned to face him, "You really thought that? You didn't think that maybe Rick couldn't do this without you? That Carol might disagree with you? The others who look to you when everyone else has failed them?"

"I thought 'bout you." he repeated, his eyes glittered in the half light and Essie couldn't look away.

"If you died I would carry on fighting, surviving and I wouldn't break but…you can't live for me, that's too big a burden to put on anyone." She looked away from him, frightened.

"I ain't livin' for you. I wanted to make it outta there to see you again, you're the difference between survivin' and livin'." Essie shifted, uncomfortable with this change in control.

"You make me sound like Las Vegas." she said.

"Sounds right to me. You gotta be smart and lucky in Vegas." His voice was so low it was almost hidden by the rain and she felt her blood heat up.

"But if you've got nothing left to lose, Las Vegas would get pretty dull." she answered.

"Or you're in the right place at the right time." Essie's toes curled involuntarily as his voice went straight through her; she tried to hold herself back but was lost before the battle had really begun. She leant over him and moved the hair out of his eyes.

"Right now seems like the right time." and trailed her hands down his arms, his breath caught in his throat and she pushed herself over him, digging her fingers into his shoulders.

The thunder rumbled over the town. The lightening picked out a figure watching the gate through night vision goggles but nobody saw them.


	37. Chapter 37

**In anticipation of the series returning, I've come back to the story. I can't wait to see what is to come – more Daryl please, thank you. Please let me know what you think if you can.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

_"__Omega team, ETA 12 minutes."_

_"__Copy that, we'll be ready to open the door at dawn."_

Essie gripped Daryl's shoulders as she felt the heat rise. The more familiar they became with each other, the better the sex. She felt him shift underneath her and gripped even harder as he sat up. He wrapped his arms around her, as they kept moving together. She gasped and threw out her arm, knocking over the storm lamp. Now only the strobed lightning lit the room; Essie thrown into relief, biting her bottom lip; Daryl closing his eyes and baring his teeth. The black sky broke apart and they shook together.

Essie flipped her hair out of her eyes and fumbled for a cigarette as Daryl switched the lamp back on. She passed him the lit cigarette and sat on the floor with her back resting on the sofa, he joined her.

"Do you know what I want right now?" she asked and Daryl raised his eyebrows and she smiled.

"Stop! What I want is a soft pretzel. Really salty and still warm."

Daryl didn't say anything but continued to stare at her.

"What? Just because it's been the end of the world for a while now, it doesn't mean I don't still miss things from before. I bet there are things that you miss?"

He stayed silent but kept staring at her until she smiled.

"Okay tough guy, you keep your thoughts to yourself." She stretched luxuriously and pulled her t-shirt over her head.

"Storm's not stopping." she observed as the rain battered the windows.

"Ain't gonna for a while." Daryl answered as he lay back and closed his eyes.

_"__We see you Omega team. Keep silent running. Dawn approaching."_

_They saw the three flashes and returned to watching the gates._

Essie couldn't sleep. The wind hadn't died down and her mind kept going back to the trap and shadow of the Wolves that had been growing longer for months. Carefully, not disturbing Daryl, she got dressed and walked out into the silent street. It was still dark but the shadows had the faded grey tinge that acknowledged the dawn not far away.

She got to Deanna's house and saw a light burning in the window but could not go in, they needed to be left in peace even if it was just for a moment.

Michonne was on the porch, watching the street and gave a low whistle when she saw Essie who ran over.

"Couldn't sleep?" Michonne asked as Essie lit a cigarette, cupping the small flame against the wind.

"No, this wind leaves me unsettled."

"Yeah I get that. There's somethin' else though." said Michonne, staring into the pre-dawn. Worried at this change in tone from one of the toughest women she had ever met, Essie watched her carefully.

"Somethin's not right…and don't ask me to explain it because I can't, not yet." Michonne finally turned to look at Essie.

"You think something's coming?" she asked.

"Don't you?" Michonne sounded angry.

"Yeah I do." Essie answered, "but I'm not used to other people thinking the same thing."

Both women turned as the door behind them opened and Carol walked out.

"What's wrong?" she asked quickly.

"We're not sure." Michonne said quietly.

_"__We're ready to open the gates. Omega team will go first. Alpha team stand by, wait for Delilah's signal."_

Before Essie could add anything, a knocking on the gate split the quiet. The women froze.

"Is anybody out on a run?" Carol whispered and Michonne shook her head.

"Wake everyone."

It took 7 minutes for the key players to assemble by the gate; in that time, whoever it was out there had knocked 3 more times.

"Sasha, what's out there?" Rick asked over the walkie-talkie.

"Group of 5 people, too dark to see if they're armed." she replied.

"Tell her to keep an eye on the tree line." Essie added in.

"I heard." Sasha said before Rick could talk.

"We're going to open the gate; Daryl, Abraham, Michonne and Glen, you target the gate; Essie, Rosita, Tara and Aaron, you target behind and the tree line. Maggie and Deanna keep them talking."

Carol stood next to Essie, without a weapon, but the tension was rising off her like steam.

With their guns trained on the gate, Aidan pulled open the gate as the sun rose over the horizon.

"Hi."

"Hello. My name is Deanna. How can I help you?"

"We've travelled a long way. We're looking for somewhere safe to stay."

"How many of you are there?" Maggie asked.

"Five of us, just what you see here…there were more but they didn't make it."

"Are you armed?" Rick asked but the figure, outlined against the sun, ignored him.

"Please, we don't mean you any harm. We've been out here since our camp was destroyed. We need help."

"Are you armed?!" repeated Rick and the speaker acknowledged him for the first time.

"We've got a pistol with four rounds left, a couple of knives, a machete and a tyre iron."

"You survived out there with no ammunition?" asked Deanna, incredulously.

"We kept moving…and we didn't all make it. Please help us, even if it's only for a night."

Rick turned to look at the others. Most had let their aim fall slightly when the group outside had appeared unthreatening but Daryl, Essie and Michonne still had their guns in a steady aim.

"You will relinquish your weapons before you come in. You will searched and you will be escorted everywhere you go whilst you are inside these walls." Deanna said. The figure nodded and turned to the others who began to take out their weapons.

Essie watched as the leader stepped through the gate and passed their weapons to Rosita and Aaron. The leader pulled down their hood to reveal a woman of about 35, tall, fit, with dark hair. Her face was handsome and held a quiet authority. She didn't smile but looked over the assembled group, some of who were still aiming their guns at her, and she didn't flinch. The other people with her pulled their hoods down and they were also all women. With wide, clear eyes, the leader assessed the Alexandrians. Essie stared at her and their eyes met.

Deanna led the new group away, followed by Maggie, Aaron and Rick. The others went back into the house.

"So what do you think?" asked Michonne.

"Is Sasha still on watch?" Essie asked quickly and didn't relax when Michonne nodded.

"You suspect something?" Carol asked.

"Yes." said Essie definitely, "So do you." and Carol nodded. Rosita and Glen raised their eyebrows in question so Essie continued.

"She said they'd been out there since their camp was destroyed but none of them looked like they'd been out there more than a day. She said they'd lost people but she showed no sadness. The other women in her group looked to her for orders and only moved when she told them to. She didn't question it when we took their weapons because she knows they don't need them. She isn't telling us the truth."

"We've just invited trouble in." said Carol.

"Wait until Rick has talked with them." Glen said.

"Yeah, I mean, they could be just like us, you know?" added Tara. Daryl looked at Essie and Carol who staring at each other in silent communication.

After Deanna had interviewed the woman who called herself Ruth and the others, she left them talking to Maggie and Aaron and walked into the hall with Rick.

"She could be useful to us. She seems smart and capable, she kept her group alive out there." Deanna watched as Rick ran his hands through his hair, "but you don't seem convinced?"

"I'm not. Some things in her story don't add up and…"

Rick didn't get to finish, as there was a crash from the other room. He ran through to see Maggie unconscious on the floor and Ann's arm around Aaron's neck with his gun trained on Rick. The other women were in a formation behind her, silent and watching.

"Move outside slowly or I will kill him." she said in a strong voice.

"What the hell…" said Deanna but Rick pushed her behind him.

"Throw your gun into the corner." Ann ordered, still calm.

"Listen, we can work this out." Rick said.

"Sshhh." said Ann, putting her finger to her lip, "and just do what I say. Now."

"Ann…please…" said Deanna.

"It's not Ann, it's Delilah. Please, move outside." she said.

Rick threw his gun into the corner and one of the women picked it up and aimed it at Rick and Deanna. Still with her arm around Aaron's neck, she followed Rick and Deanna outside. She raised the gun and fired 2 shots into the air.

_"__That's the signal. Omega team move into position, we go in on my mark."_

"What the hell was that?" Glen rushed to the window and the others followed except for Carol, Essie and Daryl.

Essie checked her gun's magazine and slid it back into place, Carol span her revolver's barrel.

"Ready?" asked Carol and they nodded.


	38. Chapter 38

**Bloody hell! That first episode was…words fail me. I'm sad about Jessie, I had high hopes for her. Also, a rocket launcher (with Daryl attached obviously) is now on my birthday list, you know…just in case. I hope you like this new chapter; I've upped the ante just to try and dispel some of the anxiety from the new episode. I can't wait for next Monday. Please let me know what you think if you can.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

The three of them moved towards the door but stopped when the gate crashed open and an army of hooded people walked through, heavily armed and obviously well organised.

"Oh shit." said Rosita quietly as they watched the army move into position in front of the woman.

She flung Aaron to the ground as Rick and Deanna looked wildly from side to side.

"Alpha Team, sweep the town. Bring everyone here. Yellow Team find the armoury. There's one in the watch tower with a sniper rifle, get them down." As soon as she gave the order, they moved silently.

"We got about 2 minutes before they come through here." said Carol.

"You go with them, I'll disappear and meet you later." Essie said, shoving the gun into her waistband.

"I''ll come with you." Daryl said.

"No. You need to be with Rick and the others. One of us is less likely to be caught…" Essie replied, not looking at him.

"Anyone who tries to run will be shot on sight." the woman's voice echoed around the town.

"Go!" said Carol.

"Don't die." said Essie and ran up the stairs just as the door was kicked open.

Essie pulled herself into the attic and closed the hatch silently. She held her breath as she heard people moving about just below her.

"Clear." said a woman's voice and they walked back down the stairs. She waited another 5 minutes and slowly lowered herself back into the room and ran to the front of the house and ducked below the window.

Everyone in Alexandria had been herded into the centre of the town and were being separated into groups of men and women.

"What do you want from us?" shouted Deanna over the crying children.

"Nothing." answered Delilah "we have everything. Stop talking and stay still."

"We can work this out." shouted Aaron but was hit in the jaw by a gun butt and went down.

"Stop this!" shouted Deanna and moved towards Delilah. Essie saw it happen in slow motion; Deanna took two steps forward and a gunshot cracked through the town, she fell in front of Jessie and didn't get up.

"That's what happen when you don't do as I say." the woman said as she holstered her gun.

Everyone was silent except for the occasional sob.

The men were herded towards the church under heavy guard. The women were well armed and well trained, each had a machine gun, a semi automatic and ammunition in every pocket of their khaki vests; some had machetes and all had bowie knives strapped to their legs. They showed no emotion and made no sound, only Delilah had spoken. The women were kept in the town square. Rick looked at Carol and Michonne as he was led away, he would see them soon.

"My name is Delilah. This town belongs to us now." she said as she surveyed the crowd of women in front of her.

"You can choose to join us, we only take women. Your young children will be allowed to stay with you as long as you do as I say. If you deviate, you will die."

"You might be thinking that you could take us on but I would advise against that. We don't need you, you mean nothing to us and we will kill you. Who will be your spokesperson?" Two gunshots echoed from the church but Delilah ignored them.

The crowd looked around at each other but no one volunteered. Michonne caught Jessie's eye and shook her head but Jessie ignored her and stepped forward.

"I will." she said steadily. Delilah looked at her and, before anyone could say anything, shot Jessie in the head. People screamed but Delilah stared at the body dispassionately.

"Quiet!" immediately, everyone was silent, "I find it better to take out the more vocal ones first, it saves time later on."

"You." she said, pointing at Olivia, "You will be the spokesperson. Take all the names, if you miss anyone off I will kill a child and then you, do you understand?" Olivia nodded.

Essie saw her friend fall, felt the gunshot and then…nothing.

Essie was going to war.

The men were herded into the church, each was zip tied with their hands behind their back and gagged, they were all tagged as either black, red or amber. 2 of the Alexandrians had tried to run and were instantly shot. Once all this was done, they were split into their colour groups. It was clear black tags were considered the most dangerous, Rick and the others were in this crowd; red tags were able bodied but less obviously battle hardened and included Carl, Eugene and the preacher and finally ambers were the old or infirm. Rick took a very little amount of satisfaction in knowing they had made a mistake in putting Carl in the red group.

The amber group were taken into one of the empty houses. The red group were herded into the community centre and the black tags remained in the church. None of the women spoke but were efficient and quick. Eric, red tagged, tried to stay with Aaron who was black tagged and still bleeding; he was beaten unconscious and dragged to the church. Anyone who moved was hit with the butt of a gun or kicked into submission. Escape would be difficult, if not impossible.

Essie pulled herself onto the roof of the house and ran along the ridge tiles, keeping low. The sun was well up and she dripped with sweat. Shrugging off her jacket, she left it on the roof but didn't feel the sun on her bare arms and shoulders. Lying on her front, she watched as Olivia went along the rows of women, writing their names onto the sheet. She needed to get to the armoury and then get to Carol and Michonne. The women soldiers were still sweeping through the streets, keeping out of sight would be difficult.

Essie dropped back into the attic and made her way through the house until she got to the kitchen; she had a pistol with a full mag and a knife, it would have to do for now.

She scouted the back of the house and it looked clear, so she slipped silently out of the kitchen and along the wall.

Rick saw Abraham struggling against the ties and shook his head, they needed to bide their time and wait for an opportunity. He knew he hadn't seen Essie in the group of women before they'd been separated; he had faith in her abilities.

Carol cradled Judith who was beginning to cry in the baking heat. She could feel the focus from Michonne and the others. Sasha was standing next to Tara, having been dragged from the guard tower; her cut lip was still oozing blood. She looked along the line of women and saw Caitlin at the end staring back at her with huge eyes, she nodded to the child who nodded back showing no fear.

Essie turned the corner of the last house but quickly ducked back again as a group of soldiers came from the other side and began to walk towards her. She ran back the way she had come but heard another group moving quietly; she was trapped. Trying each door as quietly as she could, she searched for a hiding place but all the doors were locked and they were getting closer. Something grabbed her ankle and she fell onto the cool grass; she grabbed her knife and saw it was a hand. Enid stared out from under the last house. Essie scrambled underneath just as the first group turned the corner. She turned to look at Enid who was watching the women pass by.

When it was clear, Essie put her lips to Enid's ear.

"How?" she breathed.

"Crawled under here and waited." Enid whispered back.

"Weapons?" but Enid shook her head.

"Information?"

"30 soldiers so far. Men in the church and 2 dead." Enid replied.

"You ready?" and Enid nodded. They pulled themselves out from under the house and made their way towards the armoury, keeping close to the houses. They saw 3 women with machine guns guarding the back entrance.

"What now?" whispered Enid as Essie sighed in frustration. She stared at the girl whom she knew nothing about, stood in front of her. Essie didn't know if she could trust her to be brave enough but she was all she had.

"How brave are you feeling?" Essie whispered.

Enid took a deep breath and stepped out from between the houses with her hands up The 3 women immediately took aim.

"Please don't shoot me" pleaded Enid.

"Put these on and walk slowly towards us." ordered one of the women, throwing her a zip tie. Enid slipped them over her wrists and pulled them closed with her teeth and began to walk over to them. She saw Essie drop from the porch behind the women with her knife in hand.

"Please don't shoot me." Enid repeated.

"Shut up!" said the woman but that was all the distraction Essie needed to slit all three of the women's throats. They went down silently. Enid looked horrified as Essie stabbed them in the head and stood up, sprayed with their still warm blood. She walked over to the girl and cut the zip tie not even noticing how she flinched when Essie touched her.

"Help me drag the bodies under the house." Essie said, grabbing the ankles of the first body. Enid grabbed the arms and began to pull.

"Wait!" Essie hissed and began to strip the body of the khaki vest and ammunition. She looked up to see Enid staring at her.

"Take the clothes and put them on." she ordered but Enid couldn't move.

"Do it!" Essie hissed but saw the girl was terrified, "we need to be able to blend in, even if it's only for a moment." Enid finally nodded and took the vest and weapons off the nearest body.

Olivia handed the completed list to one of the soldiers who counted it and nodded as she handed it back to Delilah.

"You may now return to your houses but the doors will be kept open and each house will be guarded front and back. Anybody who does not comply will be killed along with everyone else in her house and 2 others chosen at random. Just to show I am serious…" and Delilah nodded to one of the soldiers who pulled Shelley Neudermyer and a woman called Jeanette out of the crowd and pushed them to their knees in front of her. Carol felt Michonne begin to move but held her back as Delilah calmly and without comment shot both women in the back of the head.

Essie and Enid had just dragged the third body under the house when they heard the shots. Enid tried to run but Essie held her in a grip like steel.

"Whoever it was, we can't help them. We can help the others."

Enid turned her head and looked into Essie's eyes; they were hard and almost black in the shadow of the house. She could feel the blood slippery skin around her arm and the heat that radiated out from this woman. A memory flashed into Enid's head of when a neighbour's house had caught fire in her street, before the world ended. The flames had looked like liquid as they destroyed the house; she remembered how they had changed shape and colour but the memory of the noise was stronger, it had roared and spat but there had been moments of silence when the only thing the fire had done was destroy. Right in that moment this is what Essie reminded her of.

"Keep your knife in your hand and keep quiet, we're going to clear the armoury." and Enid nodded. She was now with Essie and she realised the only thing to do was follow her or keep out of her way. Enid wanted to follow her.


	39. Chapter 39

**Ok, so I *think* I know where this is going. Thank you so much for reading and please let me know what you think.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

The church was unbearably hot. The soldiers didn't seem to notice and continued to patrol through the rows of silent men. Rick watched as they communicated with military precision; these were not some wild scavengers, they were a well-trained, well-equipped army. He looked over at Glen who was sat with his head down and then at Abraham who was sitting against the wall, staring straight ahead; Daryl was watching the window but could see very little. Aaron kept cupping his jaw where a huge purple bruise bloomed. Morgan had closed his eyes and dripped with sweat, the other black tags looked defeated; there was no way to make a move against them, they would have to wait.

Carol and the others sat in the living room; Judith had finally gone to sleep. The doors were open and there were soldiers everywhere.

"What do we do?" asked Tara quietly.

"We wait." said Michonne, moving to sit by the window.

"Get away from the window now!" shouted one of the women and aimed the semi automatic, Michonne moved back into the centre of the room.

"They can't keep this level of control for too long." whispered Rosita.

"They might not need to. Like Delilah said, they don't need us, they want the town. I'm surprised we're still alive." said Carol grimly. Maggie took another sip of water and rubbed her hand over the back of her neck.

"Any better?" asked Rosita as she checked her pupils.

"Not really."

"What did Delilah say?" asked Carol.

"She said all the right things. Deanna believed her but Rick didn't. They went out into the hallway and that's when she knocked me down; the next thing I remember is seeing her kill Deanna." Maggie closed her eyes again.

"She didn't even hesitate." said Tara incredulously.

"She didn't need to." said Carol, watching the window.

"Do you think Essie can do anything?" asked Rosita, quietly.

"She's the only one we got." said Michonne and after that the women were silent.

Essie opened the back door and slipped inside, Enid followed her silently. There was no indication that anybody was inside. They passed the pantry that was still intact but when they reached the armoury, they saw it had been cleaned out.

"Fuck." said Essie, "we're too late."

"Olivia put some weapons aside after Laura and Rhys tried to take the town. They're in the bottom of one of the freezers." Enid said and Essie could have kissed her.

They pulled out all of the food and hauled up a canvas sack full of guns and ammunition.

"Remind me to be a lot nicer to Olivia when this is all over." Essie said.

"You think we'll win?" asked Enid.

"Don't you?" Essie asked as she went through the contents of the bag.

"No." she replied.

"Then why are you helping me?" Essie asked, loading bullets into an empty magazine.

"I don't know." Enid answered eventually.

"Well when you do know, tell me. I want to know." Essie said and hefted the sack onto her shoulder but then dropped it.

"Oh shit!" she hissed and held her shoulder.

"What?" asked Enid, alarmed.

"Fucking shoulder, it's still not fully healed. It's fine, I just forget sometimes." Essie ignored the pain and slung the bag onto her other shoulder.

"From when you were taken to the warehouse?" asked Enid and Essie nodded.

"You nearly died." Enid stated.

"But I didn't. I also didn't die when I faced the herd outside the walls or when the warehouse people tried to take the town or when I travelled 2000 miles and then back again. I also didn't die when I drank 2 days out of date milk or when I fell off a bridge whilst drunk or the other million times I put myself in danger. I am experienced at not dying, so are you." Essie looked at Enid who just shrugged; she'd forgotten what a struggle it was to talk to teenagers.

"Ok, we are going to do some reconnaissance. Where is the best place to see the whole town without having to move very far?"

"The roof of this place is pretty good. You can see most of the town and there's an attic."

"Good, grab some food and get some water." Essie watched as Enid did as she was told and then followed her up the stairs to the attic.

"We have a problem." Delilah turned as her lieutenant entered the study in Deanna's house.

"3 from Blue Team are missing. They were guarding the pantry and when they didn't check in we investigated but found no sign of them, just blood on the ground." Delilah smiled at this news.

"It looks like we have a fox in the hen house. Did you check the nearby houses?" and the soldier nodded.

"Did you check under the houses?" and watched as the soldier's face fell and quickly ordered the search team to check. When they radioed back their confirmation that the bodies had been found, Delilah smiled again and pulled out her pistol. She shot the lieutenant in the head and went back to looking through the paperwork in the office. 2 soldiers ran in at the sound of the shots.

"Take that away." she said without turning around.

"Somebody in this town is smarter than the average bear." she mused to herself as she leafed through one of the many planning folders, "a shame no one listened to them."

Essie shoved the sack through the attic hatch and pulled herself through, she helped Enid through and then looked around. It was bare with only a chipboard floor but there was window leading out onto the porch roof. From there, she could get onto the roof.

"I'm going onto the roof, you are going to check and load all of the weapons in that bag, QUIETLY. Make sure each gun had a full magazine; make sure the machetes are sharp, there's a whetstone in the bottom of the bag. Put the safety on before you do anything. If there's one you're not familiar with leave it, I will sort it. Once that's done, eat something and then get some sleep, you're going to need it. Do you understand?" and Enid nodded.

Essie hauled herself through the small window and then onto the roof; Enid was right, you could see most of the town. There were patrols of 5 or 6 women all over the place. It was clear the women had been sent back to their houses. She saw that Jessie and Deanna's bodies were still laying the main street; she cherished the anger she felt, saved it for later when it could be used.

She saw they had found the 3 bodies and were now searching the houses. She was fairly confident they would not look in the attic, the hatch had been well hidden inside a closet and she had made sure they had left everything as they had found it; as long as none of them took an interest in the roof, they could remain hidden for a while. She looked over to the church and could make out some figures through the window, it was heavily guarded, as was the community centre, it was going to take careful planning to make any kind of difference. The sun beat down on the roof but Essie did not feel it. She made detailed notes and, after 2 hours, thought she had mapped out the guard patrols. Delilah was smart but not smart enough to change the patrol times and routines.

"You!" shouted a guard at Rick, "On your feet. Delilah wants to talk." Rick struggled to his feet and stared as the soldier tightened the zip ties even further. He nodded to Daryl as he was shoved out of the door.

He relished the cooler air outside the church. He was marched towards Deanna's house but stopped when he saw the bodies.

"Move!" said the guard, jabbing the gun into the small of his back. He was taken into the study where Delilah stood, still reading the files.

"Whom have I not met yet?" she asked.

"What?" asked Rick.

"3 of my soldiers have been killed, their throats were cut and their bodies hidden. Who could have done that?" Delilah finally turned to look at him.

"I don't know." he answered.

"You see, I think you do know, you're just not telling me so I'm going to give you a little incentive." and she led him to the window. Outside, Nicholas, Holly and Erin were kneeling on the ground. Delilah raised her hand and the soldiers shot each one in the back of the head.

"No!" shouted Rick but there was nothing he could do.

"So I will ask you again, who killed my soldiers? If you don't tell me I will choose another 3 at random and this time there will be at least 1 child in the group."

Rick swallowed the bile in his throat and raised his head to look at the woman in front of him.

"You've no idea who you are fucking with. She'll kill all of you and you won't even see her coming. There'll be no mercy, no second chance, no warning. You'll be south of hell before you stop her. You're dead." Delilah met his blue stare and, for the first time in a long while, felt a cold shiver of fear. She pistol whipped him across the face and called to the guard.

"Put him with back with the others. Double the patrols, everyone's on until I say otherwise. I want all the houses checked again." Rick spat out the blood and smiled at her as he was dragged away.

"Find out who she is and bring me anyone she knows. Do it quickly." ordered Delilah. She was not used to being on the back foot. Whoever she was that Rick talked about was a tiny piece of grit in her machine, unimportant and easily dealt with. Delilah did not want to acknowledge that she felt unsettled.

Essie watched as Rick was taken into the house and when the 3 were made to kneel in the street. She knew what was coming and didn't look away when it happened; she owed them that at least. She knew she couldn't reveal herself but also realised that this moment when she could have acted but didn't, would haunt her. Would she have done anything different if it had been one of Rick's family down there, she didn't know.

The guard patrols had been doubled but the routine was the same. Essie had the beginning of a plan but she was going to need help. Enid looked up as she came back through the window.

"I heard shots." she said.

"Nicholas, Erin and Holly have been killed." Essie said and her admiration for Enid grew a little, as the kid didn't react. She checked the weapons she had prepared.

"Good work." she said and Enid sat up a little straighter.

"What's your plan?" she asked.

"I'm going to wait until dark and then get Carol and the others." Essie said taking a bottle of water and drinking it down in one.

"It's that easy?" asked Enid and Essie nodded.

Daryl breathed out as Rick was brought back inside the church. The guard shoved him down next to Daryl and they watched as the guards congregated at the other end, getting their new orders.

"They're getting sloppy. Essie's out there." Rick whispered, watching the guards, 'she's killed 3 of them."

"Take an army to stop her." replied Daryl.

"Yeah well they got one. We need to be ready when she makes her move. We need ot speak to the others. They've killed Deanna, Jessie, Nicholas, Erin and Holly. Others I think but I don't know who." Daryl didn't say anything but Rick saw his fists flex.

Enid watched as the light outside died. Essie began to arm herself.

"I'm going to get the others. If I'm not back in two hours I want you to go over the wall. I will come and find you." Essie said, gripping Enid's shoulders. The girl nodded.

Essie opened the hatch and flipped Enid a salute.

"Come back." she said and Essie smiled and closed the hatch.

She watched the patrol pass and slipped out of the back door. She just made it under the next house before another patrol came by. She crawled through but the gap was boarded over. Very slowly she began to unscrew one of the panels using the tip of her knife.

She replaced the board as best she could and then ran behind the next house. There was no sign of a patrol and she guessed she had about 2 and a half minutes before the next one was due. She raced past 4 more houses before she heard voices; she'd misjudged the time and there was nowhere to go.

She had her knife in her hand and was ready to take the patrol on when a hand went over her mouth and pulled her into the house. She turned to fight but saw it was Olivia and Denise, the woman who replaced Pete as the doctor. They looked at her, terrified. The patrol passed by without looking in.

"What happened to you?" Denise whispered.

"It's not my blood." Essie answered, "Where are Michonne and the others?"

"We were sent back to our houses. They killed Deanna and Jessie and…" Olivia stopped talking as Essie put her fingers to her lips and they watched as another patrol went by.

"I'm going to get them. You need to stay alive ok?" she whispered and Olivia nodded.

"What can we do to help?" asked Denise and Essie was impressed by the determination in her voice.

"Wait. Keep watch. You'll know when it happens. I think we'll need you so stay safe. Oh and Olivia? You are a downright hero." and Essie kissed her on the lips. Olivia looked shocked but she was gone before she could say anything.

Essie stayed low and crept into the dark house. She could hear the others whispering in the living room. She tapped on the doorframe and smiled when the others immediately got to their feet.

"Where the hell have you been?" Michonne whispered.

"The armoury was empty but Olivia had a secret stash. I found Enid but she's the only one who escaped. You're going to come with me back to the attic of the pantry. I've got a plan but it'll need all of us."

"Someone needs to stay with Judith. Maggie, you stay." Carol said.

"Take this." Essie said, handing her a revolver and Maggie took it gratefully.

"The patrols are ever 2 minutes, we can go 2 at a time. Keep to the back of the houses and go in through the back door of the pantry." Essie said as she handed out a variety of weapons to Carol, Michonne, Tara, Sasha and Rosita.

It took less than 15 minutes for the women to get back to Olivia's house and in through the back door. It was much easier when there were more of them to keep watch. Enid helped them through the hatch and looked relieved when she saw Essie at the back.

"So what's the plan?" Carol asked, checking the weapons.

"We create a huge distraction outside the walls. We free Rick and the others and then we kill these fuckers."

"Good plan." said Tara, nodding her head.


	40. Chapter 40

**I had to drive my dad to his brother's today and he chose to listen to his 'Best of the Westerns" soundtrack all the way there and back…it seems to have seeped into my subconscious. I apologise if this seems a little off canon but I thoroughly enjoyed writing it. Monday still isn't here people and that is pissing me off! Thank you for reading and please let me know what you think.**

Walking the Wasteland to the Lighthouse

"I know what you're thinking." said Michonne, "but it won't work." Essie widened her eyes.

"You wanna bring walkers to the wall and then attack Delilah when she's distracted and it could work but then we'd have to deal with the walkers AND the soldiers. It's too much."

Carol looked from one woman to the other; in the past she knew Essie would have just forged ahead with her plan, ignoring everyone else. Finally she nodded.

"You're right." she conceded, "They'd be fighting on two fronts but then so would we. Ok, how about this – we run some guerrilla warfare tactics tonight. Half of us have some fun around town, the other half find the weapons stash and get as many of our people out as possible."

"Where will we take them?" asked Rosita and Essie looked at Enid who just shrugged.

"We can't get them over the wall, it'd take too long, we'd be seen…" Tara said.

"We need someone who knows the town better than us." Rosita said.

"Aaron." said both Essie and Michonne at the same time.

"You think this will work?" asked Carol as she watched Essie wipe off as much blood as possible and shrug on the khaki vest.

"I have no idea, I am genuinely just making this up as I go along."

"I wouldn't have guessed." Carol remarked and Essie shot her a look.

"I'll bring Aaron back here, we'll get a plan together." Essie said as she slid the knife into place.

"We're gonna run out of night, you need to be quick." Michonne said.

"I will." Essie said and opened the hatch.

She walked through the town, keeping her head low. She passed 3 patrols before she made it to the church. Pushing the door open, she was hit with a blast of fetid air.

"What do you want?" asked the guard.

"Delilah wants to see the guy who asked the questions." she said, keeping her head angled away.

"I've received no orders." said the soldier. Essie shrugged.

"Hey, I'm just doing what I'm told. You can radio to confirm but…these orders came direct from her. I mean, you can question them if you want…" Essie waited, seeing the conflict on the guard's face.

"Go through." she said and Essie breathed out.

She searched the rows of men, relieved to see the others still alive. She saw Rick and nearly laughed when his eyes went wide with shock; Daryl felt his gut unknot when he saw her. She nodded to them as she passed but didn't stop. She saw Aaron and walked over and heaved him to his feet.

"Don't speak" she breathed into his ear and was thankful when he remained silent. She pushed him towards the door, going past Rick and Daryl. Sticking her foot round Aaron's ankle, Essie felt a little bad when he fell like a sack of potatoes. The other guards looked over at the sound.

"Stupid bastard tripped over his own foot!" she called and was relieved when they laughed and looked away. She knelt as if to pull Aaron upright.

"We've got a plan. Be ready for the signal." she murmured to Rick and Daryl who nodded.

They didn't speak as Essie pushed Aaron through the town. They were nearly at the pantry door when…

"Hey!" a voice came from behind.

"Hey you! Stop! What are you doing?"

"He's to be questioned." She said, not turning round.

"By whom?"

"HQ" Essie hazarded.

"Who the fuck is HQ? Turn around! Now!" and Essie heard the click of a gun hammer being pulled back. She put her hands up and turned slowly. The soldier moved towards her with the gun aimed.

"Who the fuck are you?" she said as Essie moved ever so slightly into a fighting stance.

"Answer me!" and the soldier came closer to get a look at her. The woman was reaching for her radio when Essie struck. She grabbed the hand holding the gun and bent it back, causing the woman to drop it; she rammed her elbow into her throat so she couldn't scream and then span round and hooked her arm around the neck and held on until the woman stopped struggling. She looked up to see the horror in Aaron's face.

"Take the radio and the weapons!" she hissed and plunged the knife into the back of the head and dragged the body into the nearest house.

She tapped the hatch 3 times and hauled herself up, followed by Aaron.

"Any trouble?" asked Carol.

"Not much." Essie replied.

"How did you get away?" asked Aaron, taking the water gratefully. He looked around the attic; Rosita and Sasha were watching through the window, Enid and Tara were re-checking the weapons, Michonne was sharpening a bowie knife, Carol and Essie were going over the reconnaissance notes.

"We're The Magnificent Seven." Tara said simply.

"The best way would be to take them through the storm tunnels, they run from the south end of town outside the walls." Aaron said.

"We start with the yellow tags in the community centre." said Michonne after Aaron explained how the men had been organised.

"Carol, Michonne and myself will create some diversions around the town and then you can start pulling the men out of the community centre. We then go for the church, everyone but Rick and the rest of them will need to be outside the walls as soon as possible. We'll then go through the houses and send the women and kids through with weapons and they will need to keep on the move. We'll send up some flares once the town is cleared."

"You're going to move the whole town outside the walls without the soldiers stopping you?" asked Aaron, his disbelief was palpable.

"That's the plan." said Carol.

"Ok." Aaron nodded.

"Give us about 20 minutes before you go for the community centre." Essie said as she checked outside one more time.

"How will we know it's working?" asked Aaron and nearly took a step back when Essie, Michonne and Carol all turned to look at him at the same time; the grin on Essie's face was probably the scariest thing he had seen.

"You'll know." she said and each woman, wearing a stolen khaki vest and a bag over their shoulder, went out the door and scattered in different directions.

"The Magnificent Seven." Tara repeated and punched Aaron on the arm.

Essie ran to the row of empty storage units on the other side of the small lake and pulled out 2 bottles of the smuggled Vodka they'd picked up from the truck yard. She unscrewed the tops and took a healthy swig from one and then soaked rags and stuffed it into the bottle necks; she took out a cigarette and lighter, lit the rag and put her cigarette to the flame and threw the bottles as hard as she could. The spirit ignited as soon as the bottle smashed and the flames began to take hold. She blew out a stream of smoke and looked across the lake to see 2 other buildings on fire at opposite ends of the town. She smiled and ran to the next target.

Delilah was drinking a beer when her radio crackled. Her soldiers had had no success in finding out who the woman who Rick had talked about. Her soldiers had questioned, threatened and bullied people but no one was talking. She'd told them to leave it for tonight and begin again in the morning, let the Alexandrians spend a sleepless night in fear; with a few more executions, people would start to talk and what could one person do against an army?

"This is Green Team, there is a fire in the east end of town!"

"Blue Team are reporting 2 fires in buildings near the gate."

"This is Omega team, the guard tower is on fire, repeat the guard tower is on fire!"

"Nice one Michonne!" thought Essie as she ran towards the next target.

Morgan raised his head when the orange glow of the flames lit up the church; he saw Rick and Daryl shift to watch the guards.

Sasha watched as the guards ran towards the fire, leaving the Community Centre doors free. They slipped through and scouted the place. Most of the yellow tags were sitting down and some were asleep. Tara saw Carl who was immediately on his feet.

"We're making our move. You need to follow Aaron and get all these people out through the storm tunnels."

"Where's my dad and Judith?" he asked.

"Your dad's still in the church with the others, Judith is safe, she's with Maggie." she answered. Once Carl knew this he got to work and soon the men were following Aaron in groups of 3 or 4, down through the tunnels. Father Gabriel and Eugene were in one of the last groups.

"I want to stay and help." Gabriel said to Sasha.

"This is gonna be a bloody fight, are you sure you're ready?" she asked.

"No." he admitted, "but I can help get the women out." he added.

"I want to stay too." Eugene said and Rosita looked at him, surprised.

"I am finally nutting up." he said, "and this will be somethin' people talk about. I want to be here." and Rosita smiled and nodded.

Aaron came back into the room, breathless and sweaty with Eric by his side.

"All of them are through. Half the town is on fire!"

"We're going to the church now." said Rosita and checked the magazine in her Uzi, "Grab any weapons you can find, shoot anything in a khaki vest. Carl, Father – get the women out the same way." they nodded and went to work.

Carol lit the rag in the bottle of whisky and threw it at the wooden fence around the house, it went up like a firework; she pulled the bandanna back over her mouth and moved on. She turned the corner by a house and came face to face with a group of 4 soldiers running towards the blaze.

"Did you see who set it?!" the leader asked and she shook her head.

"Follow us." the soldier ordered but then saw a bottle poking out of her bag.

"Stop!" and the soldier raised her gun with the others following, Carol knew her time had come and waited for the shot.

It never came, Essie rose up behind the leader and slit her throat before the others had time to react; she stabbed another in the top of the spine, Carol took the other 2 with her bowie knife. The two women nodded to each other and headed off in opposite directions.

"What is happening out there?" yelled Delilah into the radio but was met with static. She pulled open the front door and looked out onto Hell. Flames were everywhere, her soldiers were running around in the chaotic smoke and there was no sign of any her lieutenants.

"Omega Team report!" she shouted into her radio and finally a voice crackled into life.

"Multiple fires…east and…but found nothing…blue team…no response…centre is empty…"

"Get to the church!" she ordered. Delilah checked her magazine and walked into the smoke.

Michonne wiped her blade on the grass and stepped over the 2 bodies. She looked over the other side of the street and saw Carl and Eugene leading Maggie carrying Judith, Denise and Olivia towards the tunnel entrance, he raised his hand and she waved back.

6 more guards entered the church and barred the door behind them. The soldiers were more interested in what was happening outside so Glen, Abraham and Morgan had crawled over to Daryl and Rick.

"I take it Essie has evaded capture." said Abraham as a bloom of fresh flames illuminated the opposite wall.

"They're coming, we need to be ready. Spread the word." Rick said and they nodded.

Essie emptied her last brandy bottle in a trail leading away from one of the vehicles Delilah had brought in. She dropped her cigarette stub into the pool and watched as the flames snaked their way to the engine and was knocked over when it exploded. Car parts rained down around her.

"Woah!" she said and scrambled to her feet, heading towards the church. She slid to a halt on the dewy grass about 20 yards away and tried to see what was happening through the drifting smoke. She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see Carol and Michonne by her side.

"It's heavily guarded, looks like Delilah sent as many as she could here. She knows our plan." Michonne whispered.

"No she doesn't." Essie replied and they grinned at each other.

Carol adjusted the bandanna and hammered on the church door with the butt of her gun.

"Open up!" she yelled, "Please, let me in!" The door open and hands pulled her inside.

"What the fuck is happening out there?" asked one of the soldiers.

"All hell's breaking loose. Delilah has sent new orders, we're to group all the men against the front wall and get rid of them, NOW!" the soldier hesitated and then nodded.

"Get up and move to this wall!" she shouted and the others began to shove the men into position. Carol grabbed Rick and Daryl and pulled the bandanna down, they nodded in recognition.

When all the men were in position, Carol raised her gun and aimed but shot through the window. The opposite wall splintered and smashed inwards as a car ploughed through it. Michonne and Sasha pulled themselves through the windows and shot the soldiers. Daryl shaded his eyes against the car's headlights and saw Essie get out of the driver's side and walk around to look at the damage. A few planks of wood fell onto the bonnet and dust filled the air. All the black tagged men struggled to their feet, coughing and shaking their ringing heads.

"That was one hell of an entrance." said Abraham, brushing wood splinters out of his hair.

"Time for part 2." said Essie as Daryl grabbed a semi automatic, Rick checked the sighting on his shotgun and Abraham loaded a magazine into the machine gun.


	41. Chapter 41

**It's been a long old time since I updated this story. I got distracted by GoT and then couldn't think what to write. After episode 1 of the new series I never thought I'd come back to it...ugly crying doesn't even come close. However after Monday's episode I got the need again. I'm not even sure if anyone is going to read this but I have the need for a distraction from the unutterable shitshow of the real world at the moment so here is the final chapter of this section. **_I would love to fold Negan into it somehow (shouldn't have anything but hate for him but there's something about him...please don't judge) but I don't think I'm that good._**Thank you for reading this far and please let me know what you think if you can. **

Delilah patted Hippolyta like a proud parent. The huge M1 Abrams tank squatted on the ground and she felt reassured by the 62 tonnes of pure armoured warfare. Steam and smoke mingled in the spotlight and she watched her soldiers move like the well-oiled machine she knew them to be. The failures of earlier in the night had just been a blip, never to be repeated. Confident they would restore order shortly, she relished the idea of exacting revenge on the people of this town…starting with the fucking bitch who'd caused her humiliation. Oh she would skin her alive, make the people watch and then leave her to turn.

With a sudden leap in her emotions she spoke into the radio.

"H Team, fire up Hippolyta. Let's show these pussies what we've got." She heard the soothing sound of the tank rumbling into life. She felt even better when the high-explosive anti-tank warhead rounds took out half of the street. Delilah knew some of her people as well as children were probably taken out by the blast but she didn't care, it made her feel better.

Rick opened his eye and tried to take in a breath but his ribs screamed in protest. He turned his head to see Essie on her knees, coughing up dust.

"You good?" he croaked and she nodded.

"You?"

"Cracked ribs" he wheezed. She patted his shoulder and picked up his guns and her bag that hadn't left her side. He gripped her ankle as she went to move.

"You can't go out there, you don't know who's left."

"It doesn't matter." Essie said simply.

He paused and then said "Do it." She scrabbled out from under the rubble and began to walk.

She walked through the smoke, not caring if she was seen. One gun was slung over her shoulder, her pistol in the other hand and a heart of pure vengeance. Blood stained the rubble and body parts littered the street but she didn't see any of it. The shadow of the tank loomed out of the gloom and she finally came face to face with Delilah.

"Who the fuck are you?" Delilah demanded, seeing Essie walking calmly towards her.

"I'm the bitch who's going to kill you." she answered. Delilah narrowed her eyes and held out a hand to stop the soldiers who were aiming at the woman in front of her.

"So you're the one who put a crimp in my evening, it's good to finally meet you. Drop your fucking weapons" and she smiled. Essie tilted her head to one side and assessed the woman who had killed her town, friends, her family, possibly her lover and returned the smile…this was going to be fun.

"So are we fucking doing this or what?" Essie asked.

"Shit, you are stupid. You think we're going to duke it out in the middle of the street? I don't need to do that. Kill her." and she waved at her soldiers who raised their guns.

"Before you do something so unutterably unwise, you might want to listen to me." and Essie opened her hand to show a detonator with a dead man's switch under her thumb; she then knelt and opened the bag she'd carried with her. Inside were hand grenades nestled alongside the small container of plastic explosive.

"You kill me and this whole place goes up and you along with it. Now you might think I won't do it or that I'm bluffing but let's face it, I'm not. So we come to the pinch point…what are you going to do now?" and she met Delilah's stare.

Delilah had survived the new world by never being afraid, by never showing weakness and never, ever backing down but for the first time in a long while she felt the trickle of terror drip down her spine.

"Maybe…we could negotiate?" Delilah said hesitantly. Essie looked around at the ruined street, the burning town and scratched her head with her free hand. She took a deep breath.

"Actually, I think I'm going to pass…" and she kicked the bag as hard as she could under the tank whilst diving to the side. She took her thumb off the switch just as Delilah screamed "DOWN!"

The blast lit up Alexandria like it was day; the noise was beyond painful and echoed around the woods. Just as soon as it happened, it was over and all that could be heard was the crunch of falling wreckage and the plink plink of cooling metal.

Carol was the first to raise her head. She blinked the blood out of her eyes and pushed the bricks and wood off herself. She heard a groan and saw Daryl crawl out from under the debris; relief washed over her. She stood up and looked around. Most of the street was destroyed, the remains of the houses looked like the stumps of burnt trees. Screams began to fill the air; it was time to move.

The centre of the blast was a crater of melted tar and twisted metal. Anybody who'd been near it was now a smear of hot grease. A scream came from underneath a sheet of ripped metal. Daryl ran towards it and pulled it away; one of the soldiers was revealed, their guts trailing over the dusty ground. After a terrible gasp, their eyes went dead. It wasn't Essie.

Rosita and the others crawled out from the wreckage of their hiding place at the other end of the street but still within the blast radius. They ran towards Daryl and Carol who were combing through the rubble. Rick staggered through the dust and smoke, gripping his side and breathing painfully.

"You find her?" he wheezed and Carol shook her head, "What about Delilah?" and again she shook her head.

"She did it again" said Rosita looking up from putting a knife into the skull of a dead soldier, "she sacrificed herself again." and the others couldn't think of anything to say.

"Make sure you get all of them, we don't want any of those fuckers coming back."

"Holy shit" said Tara, as the others stared open mouthed, "you got more lives than a cat." and Essie nodded.

"Damn, I think my eardrum's burst" she said, flexing her jaw. Daryl was in front her before she could say anything more and held her face tenderly. He brushed the grit from her skin and didn't need to say anything. She ran her thumb across the blood trail that trickled from a cut on his cheek. She leant her forehead against his and breathed in.

A shot rang out and Daryl gasped. His eyes went wide and he slumped against Essie as the blood began to pour from the gun shot in his back. Essie couldn't support his body and they went down together. The others ran over as Essie tried to stop the blood pouring over her hands. Another shot ricocheted off a chunk of stone.

"Move!" ordered Rick and they dragged Daryl and Essie behind a pile of fallen masonry.

"Come out you fucking cunt and face me!" Delilah shouted as Essie desperately applied pressure to Daryl's back.

"No…no…stay with me" she begged as Daryl's eyes began to close, she hadn't even heard Delilah's voice, "don't you fucking dare leave me" Carol wadded up cloth and pressed it into the flood but it wasn't stopping.

"…gotta go…" Daryl rasped and closed his eyes. Michonne began chest compressions and Rosita elbowed Essie out of the way to start mouth-to-mouth, Rick sat there staring in utter shock.

"Face me you fucking bitch" screamed Delilah again, firing randomly until she ran out of bullets. Essie watched as the others fought to bring him back, picked up the machete and stood up. She walked slowly towards her.

Delilah twirled the machete she had in her hand like a baton and grinned through a mouth of broken teeth and blood.

"You killed me." Delilah said without emotion.

"And you killed me" Essie replied wearlily, "let's finish this." and Delilah swung.

It should have been a bloody fight. The two women should have been equally matched; both were seasoned fighters with skill and strength. As Delilah thrust, Essie should have parried. It should have lasted a long time and the outcome shouldn't have been a foregone conclusion. Carol was the only one who was watching as the others worked on Daryl and what she saw was not the stuff of legend, it was the stuff of nightmares.

Delilah swung the machete high and brought it down with force. Essie lifted her arm and even in her shocked and numb state, Carol flinched as the blade buried itself to the bone. Essie didn't even blink, she slowly and simply pushed the blade through Delilah's torso until it came out the other side. Delilah looked down in shock and tried to pull her machete out of Essie's forearm but Essie twisted the blade and pulled it up through Delilah's stomach until she hit the rib cage. The woman dropped to her knees, finally dragging her blade out of Essie's flesh and then fell backwards, coughing blood and gore. Essie stared at her and brought her boot down on the woman's face again and again until there was nothing left.

She slowly walked back to the others.

The wasteland of her heart was empty; not even hate or anger could fill the vacuum.

She reached the others just as Rosita was checking Daryl's pulse. She looked at Rick and shook her head. Rick put his hand on Michonne's arm and she stopped the compressions and sat back with tears already forming. Carol knelt down by his side and held Daryl's hand. Essie met her eyes but said nothing. There wasn't a lighthouse anymore.

She kept walking.

Carol's heart broke. She didn't think it was possible for her to feel such pain after the death of Sophia but here she was, kneeling in the dust and blood, ripped apart all over again. She could hear the others breaking too. Silence reigned for Death.

She kept walking.

Carol closed her eyes, dreading the time when his hand would no longer be warm. Michonne drew out her knife and moved to his head.

Suddenly his fingers flickered round hers. For a moment she thought she'd imagined it but then he did it again. She checked his pulse…faint, so faint, but it was there.

"He's got a pulse!" Carol shouted.

Essie stopped walking.


	42. Chapter 42

**I realise that the season break will be coming soon and I'm not ready for it yet so I've been having a think about where to go with the story. I thought about starting a whole new one but all the characters I thought up were just another version of Essie, I'm not original at all! I've also developed a bit of a 'thing' for Negan so I'm going to have my cake and eat it. Still not sure where this is going and there is a whole flashback thing going on. Please let me know what you think if you want to and, as always, thank you for reading.**

Walk a straight line through the bend

Negan walked through the halls and barely noticed the penitents kneeling as he passed. He'd enjoyed his first meeting with the Alexandrians; Lucille had certainly had a good day out when two of them had required her attention. Dwight had slung Daryl into one of the holes and he had another source of supplies. A good day indeed.

He gently placed Lucille on the table and unwound his scarf. He washed his face and smoothed his hair. He could go and see Sherry but something drew him down to the cells; to the one with the most locks, furthest away from everything else. It had to be like this; too much trouble had been caused for it to be any other way. A speak easy hatch had been installed in the door, padlocked with a sturdy grill behind it. Only he and Dwight had a key. Sliding the small door open, he peered into the dark room.

"Hey sweetheart, how you feeling today?"

_"So how are you feeling today?" Essie asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. Daryl ran his hand over his face and sighed in frustration._

_"Fine"_

_"That good huh? Well Denise says you should be out in a few days. You've managed for this long."_

_"How bout you?" he asked and tapped her arm still swathed in a bandage._

_"Good but it itches like a bastard. They've cleared all the debris from the street now but it took longer than expected and the fire damage isn't as bad as Rick first thought. I told him we only set fire to stuff like fences and cars but he didn't believe it until Michonne took him on a tour. His ribs seem to be healing fine. Carl is doing ok too, losing his eye doesn't seem to have affected him all that much…I guess when you survive a herd and then see the explosion only to lose an eye in a gun fight with one of the soldiers you're just glad to be alive."_

_"Yeah…he's tough. Any more soldiers turned up?"_

_"No but I'm going into the woods today with the others just to do another sweep."_

_"Hope for the best, expect the worst?"_

_Essie laughed, "you know me too well" she saluted and left._

_"I know you." he said quietly and closed his eyes._

_Walking back from the sweep she was gratified to see people working on the rebuilding of some of the buildings that were salvageable. Essie saw Carol sitting on the porch, smoking a cigarette and went to join her. She knew Carol had changed since the battle but had no idea how to talk to her about it. She thought it might've been nearly losing Daryl or some sort of trauma but she didn't know how to begin. Carol offered her a cigarette and they smoked in silence._

_"How's Caitlin and Finn?" Carol asked finally._

_"Ok, they still want to move in with me but I don't think that's a good idea. They're settling and I…I'm not ready yet." Carol nodded and lit another cigarette._

_"You ever think about Delilah?" she asked but didn't look at Essie._

_"Sometimes."_

_"Do you regret what you did to her?" Essie shifted uncomfortably, she wasn't used to Carol being introspective._

_"No. She was trying to kill us, she nearly DID kill us and I stopped her."_

_"But I saw what you did to her…it was brutal."_

_"I know but so was she. I don't know what you want me to say. I stopped her."_

_"Don't you ever worry that you're too comfortable with the killing?"_

_"Are you asking me or yourself?" and Carol just shrugged._

_Her conversation with Carol had left her unsettled. She opened her door and stopped. It smelled like cigarettes and a light shone from inside the room. She put her hand on her knife and walked through. Daryl was sprawled on her sofa, smoking a cigarette._

_"Denise will be looking for you" she said flopping down next to him._

_"Let her" he rasped and watched her carefully peel off her jacket._

_"On the lam and the first place you go is here?" _

_"Safe haven" he said and kissed her bare shoulder._

_"Not that safe." she smiled and shivered as he ran his hands over her neck and through her hair. She turned and gently lowered herself into his lap. His lips were dry and warm and she pressed her body against his, so grateful that he was there and alive. He drew in a sharp breath and she pulled back._

_"Sorry" she said and tried to move but he held her in place._

_"Don't move" he growled._

_They went slow, both of them worried about hurting the other. After taking their time in undressing and getting used to the feel of each other again, they moved together. Daryl's arms wrapped round Essie and her hands resting on his shoulders, sharing the air between each other. Her skin was singing under his touch and his moans finally tipped her over the edge. Burying her head in his neck, she cried out and felt his arms tighten round her._

_"Looks like your stitches survived." she said as he leant over to get a lighter._

_"Doc's got a steady hand" he answered._

_"I think I want to go on a hunt in a few days…I want to check there aren't any soldiers left…I want to be certain." Essie said, not looking at him. He pulled the curtain of hair from her face._

_"You do what you need to do, you and me'll find each other whatever." Essie stared at him and smiled. She lay back in his arms, closed her eyes and thought of nothing at all._

_"Change your bandages tomorrow, the day after at the latest." Denise tried to stare Essie down but failed miserably so she turned to Michonne._

_"I don't think she should be going out yet." _

_"What do you think I can do to stop her?" Michonne asked and watched as Essie re-checked her rucksack._

_"I'll be a week. 10 days at the most." Essie said as she slung her rucksack over her shoulder._

_"You're not saying goodbye to Daryl?" Michonne didn't exactly understand those two but she couldn't help but ask._

_"No" Essie looked nonplussed, "would you have a big farewell with Rick if you were going for only a few days?"_

_"I'm not sleeping with Rick" Michonne said too quickly._

_"Yet" said Essie and grinned, "see you soon…don't burn down the town whilst I'm gone."_

_"That's more your style" said Michonne and waved, closing the gate after her friend._

"Fuck you" croaked the voice in the darkness.

"Oh don't be like that now. I've had a fucking good day, I wanna share it" Negan laughed and stepped back as the water bowl hit the grill.

"If you promise not to bite, I'll let you out for some fresh air." he shone the torch into the cell and saw the filthy figure sitting on the ledge facing away from him.

"You gonna behave?" he asked but got no answer. He felt his anger twist.

"Answer me!" he shouted and slammed his fist against the grill but the figure didn't react.

"You're only alive for as long as I say!" the figure gave him the finger and curled up, the ankle chain clinking against the brick. Negan slammed the grill closed and locked it.

"Play the song" he barked at the guard and walked away as the sound of "I'm Walking on Sunshine" echoed from the cell.

The figure rolled two small pieces of bread saved from the day before between filthy and bloodied fingers and stuffed them into their ears, it didn't block all the noise but it allowed for some peace. The chain clinked as they curled more tightly into a ball and let the darkness settle.


	43. Chapter 43

**Holy Moly I love Tara! And I know they tried to kill her but the village of woman were my tribe - I've found my tribe! Thank you to all the people that have reviewed since I took up this story again and thank you to everyone who is reading it. Yeah...I definitely have a 'thing' for Negan and I blame the fact that he's being played by JDM (who, in The Good Wife, was DELICIOUS) so I'm indulging in that for a little bit. Obviously no one could replace Daryl in my affections (poor baby) but I'm exploring a darker side. Anyway...enough weirdness from me. Please let me know what you think if you want to and roll on next Monday.**

Walk a straight line through the bend

Days rolled into nights and then unrolled into days; sometimes it was quiet and sleep was possible, other times the shouting got so loud it was like thunder. Sometimes the song would play over and over and over. At first it was almost laughable, a familiar song from the past in an unfamiliar present but then it became what it was meant to be…torture.

The days rolled on.

Trying to keep track of time was impossible, there was no natural light; there was barely any light. Food was thrown through the hatch once in a while. It had been more regular but since the move to this cell it had been…sporadic. Perhaps the escape attempt had been a mistake…then again perhaps not.

Cracked and split lips made it hurt to smile but it couldn't be helped with the memory of the chaos, their blood, their screams until…well there was always next time.

Recognisable footsteps echoed outside. The hatch was pulled back and the light shone in revealing Negan. Didn't he just leave? Who could tell anymore?

"Feeling more like opening your fucking mouth today?"

The figure turned away but he'd had enough. He opened the lock and slid back the bolts, the door scraped on the concrete.

The figure curled in on itself. Negan walked in and knelt down to unlock the chain. The fat man hanging back in the doorway put a hand on the gun at his hip. Negan saw this and smiled.

"Relax…you're not gonna hurt me are you?" the figure remained silent. He undid the metal anklet but the figure didn't move.

"Get up" he ordered but the figure didn't move.

"Get the fuck up" he said again but still no movement. He grabbed the bony arm and dragged the figure to the floor where they lay without moving. Negan stared down at them, shook his head and grinned.

_Essie kept to the roads. She had no need to hide, she was safe in the knowledge there was nothing more dangerous out there than her. It was getting warmer again; this didn't please her at all. She was a child of Britain through and through and the thick, heat sodden blanket of summer left her breathless._

_It'd been 2 days and she'd seen no sign of any of Delilah's soldiers. In all honesty she hadn't expected to, if they were going to attack again, they would've done it by now but she wanted to be sure. The Alexandrians were just about getting over the trauma of those terrible days; they'd mourned Deanna and Jessie and all the other people who had died. _

_It had been a relief to her that she'd not had to defend her actions again. In the rush to save Daryl and Carl any blame had been swept away. Once it was clear they'd survive, it had been time to tend to the others. Denise had warned her that she might not get full use of her arm back but, miracle of miracles, the machete hadn't caused any nerve damage even though Essie glimpsed bone as Rosita had sewed up the wound. _

_Clearing up the town had been more work than anyone first thought. Most of the area where the tank had blown up was rubble, the fires had caused extensive damage to the internal fences and they'd lost quite a few cars. Essie had been impressed at how the Alexandrians had fought off the walker herd…with a little help from Abraham, Glenn and the others, but it was a step in the right direction. After ripping open her stitches for the fourth time Denise had made Rick banish her from heavy work. She'd spent a lot of time with Michonne and Maggie, less time with Carol. She'd gone out into the woods with the sweeper teams and she'd spent some time with Daryl as he made his slow recovery. She'd realised they'd not spent much time in each other's company but they went together very well. She appreciated a man who knew the value of silence. She'd bring plans, rotas, or checklists and work through them whilst he watched her or slept. He never told her but the sight of her chewing a pen, glasses on, in the lamplight was a treasured one. Sometimes she didn't work, sometimes she would tell him stories of before; describe her home in England, what she used to do, who she used to know. He even began to ask her questions, tell her stories…about Merle before, about how he learned all the things that made him and she listened._

_Essie walked through a tiny town she'd never seen before. She wasn't exactly sure where she was but it didn't matter. There didn't look to be anything worth salvaging, picked clean long ago. Holy hell it was hot, she removed her jacket and stuffed it into her rucksack. It might be time to think about removing her second pair of socks._

_There was a bar at the end of the street that looked almost untouched, no broken windows and the door was still on its hinges. She tapped on the glass and waited as the sun began to dip under the horizon. After despatching the 2 walkers inside and dragging them out, she set up camp in one of the booths and lay back listening to the quiet outside._

"Deal with this" Negan ordered the guard and stepped out of the tiny room. The guard grabbed the figure's ankle and pulled. Without a sound the figure kicked out and caught the guard straight in the nuts and lay back down. The guard went down on his knees, coughing and heaving. Negan doubled over with laughter. The guard struggled to his feet and booted the curled figure in the back but they didn't move.

Negan stopped laughing. He punched the guard in the head.

"Deal. With. This." he repeated deliberately and slowly. The guard, now with a pain in head and groin, carefully gripped the figures wrists, staying well out of the way of feet and mouth and pulled the figure into the hallway. The figure still refused to stand up so the guard was forced to put his arms around them, hoist them to their feet and prop them up against the wall.

"Jesus fucking Christ" exploded the guard and jumped back as if he'd been shot.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Negan barked.

"Look at the blood…bleeding…infected" the guard stuttered, wiping his hands on the front of his shirt.

"You fucking moron" said Negan shaking his head at the stupidity of the guard and for a moment the figure raised their head and met Negan's eye. The filth, the corridor, the violence and the fear melted away and they were just two people fully aware they were the most intelligent people in the building and in the presence of total idiocy.

"It's menstrual blood you utter twat" Essie croaked, "must be three weeks" she added to herself and dropped to the floor again.

It ended with Negan grabbing her ankle and dragging her the length of the corridor, up the steps, through some of the living quarters and into the showers. It amazed her how all the people bowed, they actually fucking bowed, when he walked past and not one of them blinked at him dragging a woman covered in blood and filth through the compound. She didn't even feel the concrete or the hand gripping her ankle like a vice. She counted how many steps, how many paces, how many rooms, how many people.

_She wasn't in her body anymore, she'd put herself somewhere else when her first escape had failed. Once the punches started landing on her face and body and they began to kick her, she'd felt her ribs crack and then her mouth tasted of blood. She knew what was coming next and it didn't frighten her but she wished that motherfucker would stop laughing. But then he'd told them to stop and they had done, despite the bodies of their fallen comrades littering the ground, some in pieces and all of them dead. She'd struggled to her feet determined to die upright and she'd wipe that smile of his face as her last righteous act in this world._

_"Well fuck me if you aren't a tough little Pippi Longstocking" he said._

_"Come over here and I'll show you." Essie spat blood and curled her fists._

_"No I'm good but thanks" something hit her on the back of the head and everything went black._

They reached the shower block and Negan dumped her in one of the stalls and turned the water on. She lay there, still in her clothes, letting the water wash over her. The water came away black but she didn't even see it.

"Clean yourself up" came a female voice from the doorway.

"Fuck you" Essie murmured and continue to lie on the stall floor.

"Please…clean yourself up or he won't be happy."

"Like I give a shit"

"You can't win, it's just better to do what he says…I've got clean clothes for you and some napkins…"

Essie raised her head, pulling her hair away from her face.

"Napkins? What? Are we going to dinner or something?"

"No…sanitary napkins…for your…" and the woman stopped and vaguely gestured.

"For my period" Essie finished for the woman.

"Yeah…for that"

"Fuck off" Essie said and lay back down again, the warm water felt nice and it was easing her stunningly vicious cramps. She longed for some painkillers, a bed…she longed for home.

"How's Pippi doing?" came Negan's voice from the doorway.

"She…she won't get up" the woman said nervously from her kneeling position on the floor.

"The fuck she won't" he answered and grabbed the pile of clothes from the woman who hurried away.

He stood at the edge of the stall and looked down at Essie who hadn't even acknowledged he'd entered.

"Get clean, get dry, put these fucking clothes on NOW" he said.

"Or what?"

"Or I will kill that nice young woman who just came to give you a helping hand."

"No" Essie said simply.

"Lisa…come back here!" he shouted and the young woman hurried back in.

"Kneel" he commanded and put a gun to the back of her head. Her eyes met Essie's and pleaded with her.

"You have to the count of 3" he said and the woman began to cry.

"Do what you want" Essie said and turned away from him.

"1"

"Please…please" whimpered the woman.

"2"

Essie still refused to move. If she did what he wanted now she would have to continue to do it, he would have found a weakness. Besides she was beginning to understand the game.

"Please, he'll kill me" the woman cried.

"3" and the gunshot echoed around the shower block and she heard the body drop. Essie didn't react.

"Not falling for it huh?" Negan said as the woman got to her feet and dusted away the debris from where the bullet had hit the floor.

"Can't bullshit a bullshitter" Essie said as the woman left for a second time.

"That you can't" Negan replied and then lowered his voice, "but what I can do is take a trip out to one of the places I control…grab someone and bring them back here, kill them, let them turn and then put them in a cell with you."

"Do it" Essie said.

Negan sat back on his heels and regarded the woman in front of him. He'd met some tough sons of bitches in his time and he'd broken every single one of them but this woman was something else. He'd seen it the first time he'd looked her in the eye, when the blood was pouring from her mouth and she was outnumbered at least 10 to 1 but she was ready to fight them all. It'd taken 5 of his best guys to bring her down and she was still struggling after they'd tied her up tighter than a nun's crotch. Lucille was thirsty for her blood but he'd stopped short. He was a man who appreciated the rare and he'd been…intrigued.

"Jesus, you really are tough. That's good. I like a challenge." and he walked away, leaving her unguarded and unchained with the water still running.

Essie knew how tough she was and she knew the game she was playing and she knew she was good at it. She also knew she stank to high heaven and was covered in her own blood. She heaved herself up from the floor, stripped off the soiled clothes and stepped under the shower. She washed her hair and let the water ease her bruises and cuts; when she was ready, she dried off, put on the fresh clothes, gratefully used the "sanitary napkins" – only in America - and turned off the shower. She sat on the chair by the open door and waited.

"Put these on" said the fat guard from before and threw her a pair of zip tied handcuffs. She pulled them tight with her teeth and, with his gun trained on her at all times, lead to a part of the compound she'd never been before.

Walking into the bright and well lit room, she looked around. There was a bed, a table, a kitchenette, books, clothes – it was a room that was lived in.

"Sit there" said the guard and pushed her into a chair and zip tied her ankles to the legs.

"How're your nuts feeling?" she asked but he didn't reply, he walked out closing the door behind him. Essie took this opportunity to close her eyes and replay everything she had seen on her little outing.

She must've dozed off because when she opened her eyes, Negan was sitting opposite, watching her with that stupid baseball bat resting on his knees.

"You're a fuck of a lot more tranquil when you're asleep" he said but realised that the moment Essie had seen him she'd retreated back into herself. He wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't seen it for himself; it was like a light had been switched off in her brain and she wasn't there anymore. He'd control that light before she was dead, yes he fucking would.

"What's your name?" he asked just like he'd asked all the times before but she remained silent. Normally this would have made him angry but it had become part of the game he was beginning to enjoy.

"I'll just keep calling you Pippi. So…Pippi…where'd you come from?" No response.

"You're British so whereabouts in Britain do you come from?" Still nothing. He knew there would be something that would crack her; he just had to find it.

"Who gave you all those fucking nasty-ass scars?" Essie remained like a mannequin.

"Was it your pa, your mother, your husband?" No reaction whatsoever, this was getting more entertaining by the second.

"Who've you killed?" not even a flicker of movement.

"Where's your group?" the entertainment value was starting to drop, she was making a fool of him. He stood up and Lucille shifted gently in his hand.

"You're starting to become boring Pippi" and he swung Lucille high above her and stopped just before Lucille could taste her blood; absolutely no reaction. Essie looked up, past the bat and met Negan's eye.

"Either kill me or put me back in the cell but for the love of God stop talking" she said tonelessly and looked away again. Negan leant down so she could feel his breath on her skin, he smelled clean, like laundry soap, this surprised her.

"You'll spill all your secrets real fucking soon" he whispered and opened the door barking the orders for her to be taken back to her cell.

As the door closed and the song started again, Essie curled into a ball and was back in Alexandria, smoking a cigarette and drinking whiskey.


	44. Chapter 44

**Phew - when you've got the bug, you've REALLY got the bug. It's cold and dark outside, and I'm inside with a laptop, a cup of tea and a shitload of inspiration. Negan is playing around in my mind and I so want someone to knock that smile off his face. Thank you for reading and reviewing, please let me know what you think if you can.**

Walking a straight line through the bend

Negan gripped Lucille and walked through the compound. Fucking Christ that woman was tough. It irritated him that he'd not broken her yet. He'd thought her time in the cell would've done it but it didn't seem to be making a shit of difference.

He thought back to when she'd been asleep. He'd walked in expecting her to be shitting herself; instead she'd taken a nap, a fucking nap. Her red hair, still damp from the shower, curtained her face. The pale nape of her neck had been exposed, the bones rising through and the beginnings of her shit load of scars just beginning to show. Her chin was resting on her chest and her breathing was slow and regular. There'd been something peaceful about her; it was probably because she was so different when she was awake. He'd seen her fighting for her life, tearing through his men like an animal and then running, leaving more bodies behind her. When they'd finally cornered her in the yard it wasn't fear he'd seen, it was anger so powerful it vibrated through her like a bell. He almost didn't want her to break; he wanted to keep this red lightning bottled up just for himself. But moments of doubt were alien to Negan and he pushed the thought aside, you knelt or you died, simple.

Perhaps he'd get her talking before that happened.

_The booth wasn't as comfortable as she'd hoped so she left at first light. She could've started back but she'd never come this way before. Who knew what was round the corner?_

_Walking the shimmering road, Essie became lost in her thoughts; planning for the community, thinking about the future. Nothing could stand in their way now, they'd survived everything thrown at them and come out the other side. _

_So had she._

_She was feeling hopeful…and secure. Secure in her own skin, secure in her knowledge she could take on anything and win, secure in the community, secure in her family, secure in her love. There would be bumps along the way but she knew it was all good right now._

_She should've remembered the Kirk motto – hope for the best, expect the worst._

_A rumble broke the quiet and she ducked into the scrub at the side of the road. A truck drove past leaving a dust trail behind it. It was going too fast for her to get a good look. _

_She should've waited. She should've gone into the woods. She should've remembered her motto._

_Crawling out from the undergrowth, she shaded her eyes against the sun and tried to see which direction the truck had taken but couldn't see anything. She headed out the way the truck had come. She walked a couple more miles but saw nothing, not even a walker. Alarm bells should have been ringing but she was overconfident. She was stupid._

_They were on her before she had time to react. They slid out of the shadowed trees and surrounded her, all with guns pointed at her head. _

_"We got one" said one of the men into a radio._

_"Drop your gun and back pack." he ordered. Essie turned, counting how many men were there. 4 circled her, all with automatic weapons and knives at their belt. She dropped her bag and smiled._

_Negan had decided to go out with the sweeper team that day. After hearing the radio message, he swung the truck round. He hoped it'd be a runner from Hilltop, those fuckers were pissing him off with their whining about the tribute._

_Approaching the meeting point, he was surprised to hear gunfire._

_Essie used the body of the fallen man as a shield as the others fired at her. It'd been easy to take him down; she'd waited until he'd approached with zip ties. As soon as he was near enough, she'd head butted him and snatched his pistol, firing and killing another man before the others could reach their triggers. 2 down, 2 to go before the others he'd radioed arrived. The stupid bastards emptied their magazines into their comrade and she used the reloading moment to leap up and slice the throat of the nearest one. She felt the warm spray of his blood on her skin and then turned to the last one. He fumbled with the magazine, she didn't and he fell with blood sliding down from the hole in his forehead. _

_She was stupid. _

_Instead of disappearing into the woods, instead getting back to Alexandria to report this encounter, she stopped to collect their weapons and magazines. It was as she was rifling through the pockets of the human shield she heard the click of a hammer being drawn back._

_"Don't move." said a voice behind her, "stand up and turn around with your hands behind your head."_

_She complied and her heart sank as she saw 10 men surrounding her, all with guns trained on her. She waited for the bullet but they stood there in silence. Another figure approached and they moved to let him through._

_A tall man in a leather jacket, a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire resting easily on his shoulder._

_Essie raised an eyebrow. Who was this joker?_

_"What the fuck should I do with you?" he asked with a smile, walking round her, sizing her up._

_"Let me fucking go before I kill you with your own toy." she snapped back._

_"You got a mouth on you. Lucille don't like being talked about like that." he drawled._

_"And who the fuck is Lucille? Please tell me you haven't named your dick." Essie said, buying time and looking for an escape. She hoped to make him angry enough to attack her; she could then use him as a hostage to get away from the others._

_Instead he threw his head back and laughed, showing white teeth._

_"Bring her back with us, we can kill her later. I wanna talk to this one." and he stood back as two of the men approached her after handing their guns to the men next to them._

_Essie lashed out and punched one of them in the throat; she grabbed his knife as he went down. She darted behind the other man and held a knife to his throat._

_"I'm going to walk away and then I might let your friend go but if you follow me I'll…"_

_She never got to finish her sentence as the tall man shot her hostage between the eyes. He dropped like a stone, pulling her down with him. As she jumped to her feet, five of the other men grabbed her. She twisted and struggled, viciously kicking out and throwing her head back. One of them punched her in the face, making her head ring and blood fill her mouth. _

_They managed to restrain her but she was still trying to fight. They held her still and the man approached again and tilted her head up with the end of the bat. He looked her in the eye and saw himself reflected back in the dark stare._

_"Throw her in the back." he ordered, Essie spat blood in his face and twisted again, "and put a gag on this animal." he added, wiping off the blood with his scarf, smiling again._

Essie tried to make herself more comfortable. What she had thought was just back ache from the weeks on the hard ledge was turning into something more, she had a horrible feeling she knew what it was.

Food was thrown through the hatch but she couldn't touch it; she drank her day's ration of water too quickly and it wasn't coming back out. When she began shivering, she knew she'd been right. Pain knifed through her, instantly transporting her back to the woods just before Daryl and Aaron had rescued her and Lawrence, all that time ago.

She closed her eyes and tried to breathe through the pain. So this was how she was going out? Not with a bang but a whimper, locked in a cell at the end of the world. She couldn't stop shivering but now she was dripping with sweat. Unable to hold her head up, she slid down the wall until she was crumpled on the concrete.

"Come on, you've been worse than this." she told herself.

**"But this is different and you know it. You can't fight your own body."**

"Lawrence?"

**"Of course, you didn't think I'd leave you on your own now?"**

"So finally I betray myself…fitting I suppose."

**"It won't be long…it's not so bad here…and you'll be with me."**

"I know but…I wanted more time."

**"That's my sister, always demanding more."**

Negan looked up as Dwight approached him.

"She's talking." Dwight said without looking at Negan.

"Who to?"

"No-one. She's alone in the cell."

Negan pushed past Dwight and headed down the cell without another word. Dwight filed this fact away for another day and followed him.

Essie threw up the little fluid that was still in her stomach and lay on the floor, shivering and sweating and hallucinating.

**"You don't seem in any shape to enjoy a bacon sandwich."**

"You did make a good bacon sandwich."

**"You still look like my favourite painting."**

"I told you that was my mother."

**"I know but it became you. You made me so proud, you know"**

"I know."

**"I wish we'd had more time."**

"So do I but The Rapture waits for nobody, not even me."

**"Essie, you need to sit up."**

"I don't think I can Reg, I'm too tired."

The pain was becoming too much for her. She couldn't fight it any longer and it was getting hard to breath. The darkness of the cell was lit with blue lights that swooped through the air. She tried to follow them but couldn't hold her head up.

**"They're pretty, like blue fireflies."**

"I don't think they're real."

**"You've got no romance in your soul."**

"Any you JJ have got too much."

**"Honey, you need to stay awake."**

"I don't want to but I'll see you soon Jessie."

Negan slammed the hatch open and shone the light into the cell. She lay crumpled like a rag doll, not moving. He slid the key into the lock and forced the door open.

"She might be playing possum, she's not chained." warned Dwight. Ignoring the sour tang of vomit and Dwight, Negan knelt beside her and held her head up. She opened her eyes but didn't see him.

Essie forced her eyes open and saw Luka staring back at her but she wasn't afraid.

"I killed you before." she mumbled.

"Not fucking yet." said Negan quietly and picked her up. She was lighter than she should be and damp with sweat.

Taking the same path as when he'd dragged her by the ankle, he carried her through the hallways and up to the doctor's room.

"Where the fuck is he?" Negan demanded and Dwight scurried off to find him.

He laid her gently on the gurney and pulled her hair away from her sweat slicked face. She opened her eyes again, still not seeing him.

"What's your name?" he whispered.

"Essie" she sighed and slipped away.


	45. Chapter 45

**Still a long time to wait until Monday but this is filling the time nicely. My friends keep sending me images of Negan and then Daryl and then Negan and then Daryl and so on and so forth - its leaving me very conflicted (sigh). Anyway here's the next instalment, I really hope you enjoy it and thank you for reading. It's difficult because we've not seen much of Negan since episode 2 so I hope I've made his character "right". Please let me know what you think if you can.**

Walking a straight line through the bend

Negan turned as the doctor entered.

"Where the fuck have you been?" he shouted.

"I'm sorry I was with a patient in…"

"I don't give a fuck, what's wrong with her?"

The doctor carefully manoeuvred round the leader and checked Essie's pupils, he listened to her heart and then took a thermometer from his pocket. Easing it between her cracked lips, he took her pulse and then looked at the thermometer.

"103" he muttered, "has she been eating? What has she had to drink? When did this start?" he directed his questions at Dwight knowing better than to directly address Negan.

"She's been in the cell for nearly a month. She got water every day and…food." Dwight knew the doc would understand what 'food' meant.

"It could be hepatitis, or some kind of sepsis. Has she been in a fight?" again he asked Dwight.

"She tried to escape a couple weeks back, we had to subdue her."

"It could be an internal injury." He lifted up her top and pressed her stomach. Essie groaned when he moved to her right side but didn't wake.

"Help me turn her" he directed Dwight but Negan shoved him out of the way and rolled Essie onto her side. The doctor lifted her top again and couldn't suppress a gasp. All of Essie's scars were revealed in full Technicolor, the older ones pale silver and the newer still a pinky red.

"Jesus Christ" the doctor gaped, "what the hell happened to her?"

Negan had seen some of them before, when she was struggling or fighting but not fully. He was appalled. Violence against women was a weakness and he abhorred weakness. This went beyond weakness straight into torture. If he ever got his hands on the people that did this, he would let rip with Lucille and not stop until they were pulp.

The Doctor tested her lungs and checked her ribs but when he got to her kidneys her whole body flinched.

"Turn her back over." the doctor requested and stood back to assess the situation. It was at this moment that Essie let out a raw gasp and stopped breathing.

The doctor put the gurney flat and listened to her chest and then began chest compressions.

"Start mouth to mouth" he ordered Dwight but again, it was Negan who followed the instruction.

"Take over for me' he said and Dwight continued the count as the doctor rifled through the drawer.

Then, in true Pulp Fiction style, he elbowed Dwight out of the way and plunged the huge needle into Essie's heart, injecting her with a massive dose of adrenaline. Essie raised up from the gurney as if possessed and took in a colossal breath then fell back down, twisting her body as her heart started again.

"Essie" Negan said as she stopped moving, "Essie, open your eyes. Come on. Open your eyes"

"Fuck off" she murmured and he finally stepped back.

"If she dies, you die" he said to the doctor and walked out. A saviour approached him with a clip board.

"How would you like me to record the points for her? I can separate the medical from everything else or…"

Negan punched him in the face and then kicked him as he fell.

After hooking her up to a saline drip, the doctor looked through his antibiotic supplies and selected a vial. He injected it straight into her IV and began to prepare a better bed for her. He ordered a cot to be placed in the corner of the room along with pillows and blankets. Underneath the perpetual fog of fear he lived in Emmett Carson was still a doctor and knew how this woman would've been treated inside the compound; it also looked like she'd a rough life even before all this shit had started.

He settled her on the cot and took her pulse again. It was thready but that was to expected after the adrenaline. She was white and icy; he remembered the fairy tale of the Ice-Maiden his Danish grandmother would tell him; as a child, he'd been terrified of the Ice-Maiden's kiss. This woman looked just as deadly even when unconscious.

Every hour, Dr Carson would check the woman's vital signs and was tentatively hopeful she'd pull through. He had no doubt Negan would make good on his threat but he had no idea why she was so important. Perhaps she had information the leader wanted or perhaps she was a prospective wife. He'd treated Sherry's sister and knew Negan liked his possession to be kept pristine. Somehow though this woman didn't fit the usual criteria. Dwight returned twice to get an update on her condition and although neither of them were stupid enough to discuss it, both were curious as to why this woman was being given preferential treatment.

In the early hours of the morning Essie woke up. She felt like she'd been run over by a truck; everything hurt and her chest felt like a horse had kicked her. Opening her eyes, she tried to work out where she was. Vague memories of Lawrence and Reg chased through her head, Jessie had been there even though that was impossible. She recalled floating through the halls and a whispered voice asking her name.

Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK. She'd told him her name. Fuck!

"You're awake." came a voice from the side of the bed, she didn't realise she'd spoken aloud.

The doctor leaned over, checked her pupils and pulse and, satisfied, sat back on the chair.

"I'm Doctor Carson. We lost you for a while there, are you in any pain?" Essie shook her head but didn't speak.

"You've got a nasty kidney infection, has this ever happened to you before?" and she nodded.

"You're going to have to rest, it'll be a while before you're back on your feet."

Essie closed her eyes, "that's what you think" she thought and drifted back to sleep.

The next time she woke up it was daytime and she could hear voices. She kept her eyes shut and listened.

"…dose of antibiotics should be the last; we're running low on them so I've been economical."

"Give her what she needs, I don't give a fuck if we're running low. Just remember if she dies so do you. I'll rip your dick out through your throat if I hear you're not following orders. How long until she wakes up?"

Essie realised it was the doctor and Negan. She was forming the suspicion that he might be cleverer than he appeared. It didn't matter though, he'd die just like the others.

"I'm not sure. She woke briefly in the night…"

"What the fuck did I tell you to do when she woke up?"

"To…to tell you but she only woke up for a second and then went right back to sleep. I'm sorry, it…it won't happen again."

"Did she speak?"

"No. I asked her if she'd experienced this before and she nodded and I asked her if she was in any pain but she shook her head…"

Negan looked past the doctor to the bed.

"You're awake." he said moved towards her. Essie knew she'd given no indication she was anything other than unconscious…definitely cleverer than she'd given him credit for. She opened her eyes.

"So Essie…" he lengthened her name just slightly to emphasise he knew it, "who's Lawrence?" She felt her stomach twist but was a good enough poker player to not show it, she kept her mouth shut and watched him with dark eyes. He dragged the chair nearer to the bedside and sprawled into it.

"You and I haven't had a real chance to talk. You've been very uncooperative but now is as good a time as any. Let me make it very fucking clear; you're alive because I allow it, you get medical treatment because I fucking allow it and you might just stay alive…if I fucking allow it. If you piss me off…I'll kill you. I'll rip the skin off your flesh and feed your flesh to my roamers. So I'll ask one more time…who the fuck is Lawrence?"

He'd said all of this with a smile on his face, staring into Essie's eyes and she had no doubt he meant every single word. She'd faced insanity time and again but this wasn't insanity. She'd also faced cruel calculation but this wasn't that either. She had no idea what he wanted from her or why she'd been kept alive this long. If she'd been in his place she'd have killed her out in the woods. This man thrived on power, that was obvious but she'd never been one to acquiesce to another's demands and she wasn't about to start now.

She ran her tongue over her dry lips and took a deep breath. She caught the look of expected triumph in his eyes, it was only a hint but it was enough.

She opened her mouth and he leant forward and then she closed it very deliberately. He smiled.

"It's like that?" he said and then leant all of his weight on her right side. She tried to curl into a ball as the pain shot through her but he kept up the terrible pressure. He caught the back of her neck and drew her close.

"Who is Lawrence?" he breathed into her ear and pressed even harder. She bit her lip in an effort to not scream but when he didn't move she couldn't help it and the noise echoed through the halls. All the while the doctor looked on without doing anything.

He released her and she fell back, gasping.

"Ok…ok…I'll tell you who Lawrence is." she said breathlessly and tried to lift her head up but couldn't. Negan moved nearer. She curled her fist and punched him. He doubled over. Dwight and the doctor paused for only a second in absolute shock and then held Essie down. Negan stood up, rubbing his jaw.

"I like you" he said through a laugh, grinning down at her.

After he left without any kind of retribution, Essie's heart was still racing. She leant over the side of the bed and threw up. The doctor rushed to her side and began to clean it. He looked up at her.

"You're insane." he whispered.

"You'd better believe it" she answered.

"He will kill you. At the moment you're entertaining but if you keep this up, you're going to die."

"He's one man. That's all…just one man." Essie couldn't understand their blind devotion.

"He's Negan." said the doctor as if that was all the answer she needed.

Negan didn't return that day or the next. Essie was getting stronger and the doctor was astounded by her progress but she still wouldn't eat and he'd no more packs left for her drip.

"You need to eat." he pleaded as she pushed the offered food away.

"No" she said flatly.

Over the past couple of days he'd observed the woman. She was still very sick but by sheer will power she was recovering. He'd entered the room that morning to see her sitting on the edge of the bed trying to walk. When he tried to get her back into bed, she'd twisted his hands away with a strength he'd not known in a patient who'd nearly died just 48 hours previously. She rarely spoke but he found himself talking to her whilst he worked. It was just inane description of his chores but there was something about her that made him want to make a connection with her. She looked at him with nothing more than disdain if she even acknowledged his presence but her strength gave him…hope. Yes, hope.

She wasn't Negan and she never would be.

He'd reported her progress to Dwight every hour on the orders of the leader but there'd been no visit.

"If you don't eat you won't recover."

"No" she repeated and turned her head away.

"What the fuck is happening here?" came a voice from the doorway and the doctor immediately dropped to his knees.

"She won't eat." he said from the floor.

"The hell she won't. Cuff her hands to the bed" Negan ordered and the two men accompanying him pulled Essie's hands down the edge of the bed as she struggled. They clipped the cuffs to the rail and stepped back. Negan bent down and took the bowl from the doctor and pushed him away with his boot then sat on the bed next to Essie.

"Eat" he ordered.

"Fuck off" she said and closed her mouth. He laughed and shook his head. Quickly he pinched her nose closed and waited, spooning up the soup with his other hand. He waited with a smile as Essie held her breath for as long as possible but then had to breathe. He put the spoon in her mouth and grinned. She stared at him, relishing the taste of food but then turned her head and spat it out. She met his eye and waited for a reaction.

"Jesus woman, you'd rather starve than take this food. What is your fucking deal?" Essie stared at him in mulish silence. He sighed and took a gun from his belt but she didn't acknowledge it.

"If you don't eat I'll shoot the doctor in the leg." he said without malice. The doctor was still kneeling on the floor and flinched.

Essie looked down at the doctor and remembered the kindness he'd shown her and sighed.

"Fine. I'll eat." Negan grinned again and held the spoon up.

"I can fucking feed myself" she snapped but he continued to hold the spoon; she narrowed her eyes and opened her mouth.

That night, as he lay next to a sleeping Sherry, he thought about Essie. A fire burned in her like nothing he'd seen before. Everyone knelt eventually but he was beginning to realise that she might never kneel for him. She was smart, smarter than anyone else he'd come across. She was also dangerous and he knew she'd try to kill him the first chance she got. Normally that would be the only reason Lucille would need but he resisted her call.

Threats didn't work with Essie, torture didn't work with her, and outright violence didn't work. What the fuck was it about this woman? She was hot; even under the filth and blood, even when she'd been dying he could see how hot she was. He doubted she realised this and that just made her more so. He wondered if anyone had ever had the balls to tell her, somehow he doubted it. All that red hair, her pale skin marked with the scars, long strong legs leading up to a great ass and the huge, dark eyes that stripped everything else away. He wanted to own that bottled lightning. Now he just had to work out a way to get her to come to him. He grinned in the darkness.

The doctor had removed the cuffs; Essie heaved herself up from the bed and took a few tentative steps. Give it a few more days and she'd be strong enough. She grinned in the darkness. Hell was coming their way.


	46. Chapter 46

**This is shorter than normal but I like how the last paragraph sounds and thought it would make a good ending. Thank you so much for the reviews and the favourites etc. Please let me know what you think if you want to, it's always appreciated.**

Walking a straight line through the bend

Dr Carson walked into the room and nearly dropped the bowl of food. Essie was leaning against the opposite wall breathing hard with the drip in her hand.

"How the hell did you get over there?" he asked incredulously.

"I walked." she said as if he were stupid.

"But you should still be in bed."

"I've had enough of being in bed." she replied but then started to slide down the white bricks. He ran over and gently walked her back to the bed where she sat with her head on her chest, concentrating on not throwing up.

"Easy now. Listen, you are still really sick. I don't know how you lived before you got here but I'm guessing it wasn't a cakewalk and then you've been in the cell for a while. You need to give your body time to recover. Get back into bed." he stepped back as she lifted her head.

"You don't know me and you don't know how I've lived. Unhook this drip and point me in the direction of the showers." her voice was like ice.

"But you need time to…" he spluttered.

"Take this needle out and direct me to the showers." she repeated in a very deliberate tone and when he didn't immediately move she began to pull at the needle.

"Ok, ok I'll do it" and he gently removed the tape and unattached her, "the showers are that way, you can't miss them." She nodded and limped very slowly out of the door. The doctor hoped to God Negan didn't see her or he'd probably get a beating.

It took her a while to get to the right area and she didn't see anyone. Stripping off her clothes, she felt the colder air hit her skin and shivered. Although there were no mirrors she knew she'd lost a lot of weight, her bones were sticking up from her skin again. She prodded the scar on her shoulder and thought about Alexandria and Rick and everyone. She hoped they were safe and hadn't done anything as stupid as look for her. This new group were dangerous and strong…stronger than they were at the moment and Alexandria would be rich pickings.

She stepped under the water and thought about Daryl. She didn't miss him, that sort of sentiment would be ridiculous in this new world but…Her mind slid back to their last night together. They'd finally got time to just be; be together, be lovers, be part of the community. She should have remembered the fucking motto. She'd been so stupid…and now she ran the risk of exposing the whole community to this lunatic. Even when she killed Negan, she doubted she could take all of these fuckers out in one go. She couldn't run from Alexandria, not again. Perhaps if she cut off the head the body would fold but that was a big if. Fuck's sake, she'd been so stupid. She'd been so careful up to the point where she'd been careless and now she was tangled up with a dangerous arse-hole who was too clever by half and had an army at his fingertips. She ran her hands through her hair.

She wished Carol were with her. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

After turning off the water, she carefully put her clothes back on even though they stank of sweat and vomit and slowly made her way back to the doctor's room. She needed to get the lay of the land, she needed weapons…she needed a plan.

Turning the corner she saw Dwight coming the other way with another prisoner.

Daryl…it was Daryl…filthy, beaten and bloody…head down…being dragged by that melted face fucker…Daryl…

Essie's sense of self-preservation was infinitely stronger than her emotions and it propelled her back around the corner, out of sight. She couldn't process what she'd just seen, bile rose in her throat and her skin tightened over her body. He hadn't seen her; if he had he'd have tried to get to her.

If he was here that probably meant they knew about Alexandria, they'd probably already attacked it. They were still in a weakened position from Delilah and her merry band of bitches. Maybe Alexandria had fallen; maybe the others were here in the cells. Maybe they were dead.

Or Daryl could've been captured whilst out on a run but if that was the case why'd they kept him alive? He wasn't the type to kneel anymore than she was. No, he'd been taken from Alexandria.

There were numerous possibilities and questions roiling about in her head but one thing was clear, he could never, never know she was here. His situation was far more precarious that hers; Negan, for whatever reason, found her amusing but Daryl, a man, would appear to pose far more of a threat. She knew he would fight Heaven and earth if he knew she was in the compound and then he would die.

She must also never let on she knew Daryl; Negan must not realise she had any connection to Alexandria. Human connection was a weakness he would gleefully exploit and she knew her family was her weakness.

Essie needed more information but asking questions was the quickest way to reveal her secrets. She couldn't escape now. She'd decided to kill Negan and as many as she could in her escape but her main objective had just been to get away; now she didn't know who if any Alexandrians were also in the compound. Anyway, where would she run now? If Alexandria was still standing and she went there, Negan would find her, he didn't seem like a man who would let anything go.

Also, if Alexandria had fallen, she was in a prime position to help them from the inside…but that meant playing nice with this group…and with Negan. Fuck! She couldn't run, she couldn't fight, what fucking use was she?

She closed her eyes and slid to the floor. She was fucking useless.

**You don't need to fight with violence.**

Carol's voice echoed in her head.

**Fight with intelligence. Gain his trust. Learn his secrets. Wait and watch. Find a weakness. **

But how? Negan was smart and had seen through her more than once. She was a warrior not some double agent. She knew she would say something or do something to give herself away.

**It's a game of poker; I know you know how to play poker. Let him win, let him build up the pot, let him think he knows you and all the while you'll be learning his tell, learning when he's bluffing. You'll fold even when you know you could win, make him believe you. And then…when you're ready…take him for everything he's got.**

Why would he let her get that close? She was fully aware that she best in small doses. She doubted she had enough time to learn anything before he got pissed off enough to kill her.

**Oh Cookie, you're so stupid…he hasn't kept you around this long out of the goodness of his heart...use it…make him think he has a chance.**

Essie raised her head and gave a slow and dangerous smile…she had a plan, she had a reason to make it work and she was going to make Negan pay. Hell was still coming for him, oh yes it was, but this was hell of a different kind; a measured and leisurely kind of hell that would be as cruel and devastating as she could make it. Negan was a man who needed power, needed to be feared, needed to be in control…she'd strip him of everything until he was naked, shaking and alone…and then she might let him die.


	47. Chapter 47

**Ok so it might be obvious that I've no idea where this is going but please bear with me...I'm sure I'll work it out at some point. Please let me know what you think if you want to and thank you so much for reading this far.**

Walking a straight line through the bend 

Essie peered round the corner but there wasn't any sign of Daryl or Dwight. She limped back towards the doctor's room. Halfway down the corridor, she felt her legs go from under her and she landed on the floor. A shadow fell across her and someone knelt down in front of her. She looked up to see a woman in a sun dress staring at her.

"Are you ok?" she asked and Essie bit her tongue at the stupidity of the question.

"I'll be fine…just need to rest for a second." Essie took a deep breath and struggled to her feet. Sherry helped her to stand and waited whilst she steadied herself.

"You're her," Sherry said quietly.

"Who?" asked Essie still trying to keep her balance.

"The one he won't kill." Sherry searched Essie's face , trying to find something.

"Who are you?"

"His wife." she answered and Essie raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Out of choice?" she asked and Sherry twisted to make sure no one had overheard them.

"Yeah…he won't tolerate rape…I chose to be with him." Essie didn't know what to say. The young woman in front of her didn't seem insane.

"Why?" the question was out before she could stop herself.

"He gets what he wants." Sherry said simply.

"Only if you let him." Essie had no understanding of this woman.

"You don't get it yet; you can't say no to him. You think you can but he'll win eventually. It's better just to do what he says."

"So you married him? And you say he won't tolerate rape? Sounds like bullshit to me." Essie watched the woman and waited; she needed allies or at least someone who might tell her something she could use, Negan's wife seemed like the perfect choice.

"It's not so bad. I'm protected in here, I don't need to worry about food or shelter or roamers. He takes care of me." Sherry shrugged. For the second time Essie bit her tongue.

"I can understand that" she said in what she hoped was a believable tone.

"You need to get back to the doc's room." Sherry said, "do you need some help?"

"No I want to try and make it on my own but thank you." Essie said and limped away from Sherry as quickly as possible. It was the first step on a long road but it was a start to her plan.

She was out of breath by the time she made it back.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Negan was standing in the doorway.

"I went for a shower." she said shortly and tried to push past him but he grabbed her by the wrists.

"You don't leave this fucking room unless I give you permission." his stare was hard.

"Then you best put me back in that cell, I'd rather be an actual prisoner than wait on your graces." she met his stare. He wrapped his large hand round her throat and leant down so he was level with her.

"You kill my men, you try to escape, you refuse to follow orders and you think you can dictate the terms of your life? I fucking own you."

She waited in silence, looking him in the eye. What should she do? Should she give in, agree to be owned by him, be like everyone else? He'd allowed her to live until now…

"Then fucking kill me." she whispered. She felt his hand tighten round her neck and hoped she'd done the right thing. Suddenly he released her and stood aside to let her pass.

**Good choice Cookie.**

"You fucking stink like a whore's bed in summer" he said lightly as she sat on the chair and tried to slow her heart.

"That's because I'm still wearing the clothes I nearly died in." she retorted.

"Oh you're breaking my fucking heart. Have you eaten anything today?" he asked through a smile.

"No" she replied and supressed a flinch as he crossed the room and stopped in front of her.

"I told you to eat. You look like you come from fucking Belsen"

"Fuck you" Christ, she hoped she wasn't going too far, so much for making him think he had a chance. He moved as if to hit her and then walked out, slamming the door closed; she put her head between her knees.

"Holy hell! You're either very brave or very fucking stupid." said the doctor as he helped her back onto the bed.

"The jury's still out on that one." Essie replied and closed her eyes.

She ran through what she already knew; Daryl was here, she was unrestrained at the moment, Negan hadn't killed her yet, she seemed to have the doc on her side, she made a kind of contact with Sherry. She hoped that Alexandria was still standing but realised some or most of the people were dead. Nobody knew her connection and she needed to keep it that way. What to do next…what to do. She sighed and ran her hands through her hair and screwed up her nose; Negan might be an utter bastard but he'd been right when he said she stank. Perhaps she might have to begin paying attention to her appearance if she wanted to win this game…marvellous.

The door opened to reveal Negan accompanied by a man carrying a pile of clothes in one hand and a tray in another; he placed the tray on the side and dumped the pile in front of Essie.

"Out" ordered Negan and both the other men left without a word, closing the door again. Essie watched him warily.

"Clothes" he said and she stared at him.

"You fucking stink, change your clothes" he spoke as if she was an imbecile.

Rifling through the pile she pulled out a black vest that looked to be two sizes too small and a pair of slim black jeans…marvellous. She eased herself off the bed and turned away from him. Pulling her shirt off, she heard the door open and twisted round. He'd stepped outside to give her some privacy.

Tugging up the jeans, she was surprised to find they fitted; they were much tighter than her normal clothes, nevertheless they did up. The vest hugged her chest and was cut lower than she'd realised, she felt her mouth go into a tight line but forced it to relax…it was all part of the plan. Negan opened the door and came back in, he paused for a moment to look at her and then closed the door behind him.

"Where're my boots?" she demanded.

"Eat" he ordered.

"Where are my boots?" she repeated, not looking at the plate of food.

"You don't have boots until I say you can fucking have them. Now, eat this fucking food or I'll tie you down and force it down your fucking throat." he said.

"Give me my boots" she planted her feet and refused to back down. Negan looked her up and down and grinned, showing his white teeth again.

"Eat. The. Fucking. Food."

"Give. Me. My. Boots." she mimicked and then realised she'd gone too far when his eyes changed from amusement to wrath in an instant. He grabbed the front of her vest and threw her across the room. She hit the wall and crashed over the chair. Then he was in front of her, gripping her chin and pulling her upright. She tasted the iron tang of blood on her tongue and felt it trickle down her mouth. She wrenched her face out of his hand and spat blood onto the floor and turned back to face him.

"Do it" she whispered, "kill me"

"Not today Pippi" he whispered back and wiped the blood off her face with his thumb. He pulled her back across the room and sat her on the bed. Holding her in place with his legs, he reached for the plate of food and held it in front of her.

"Do I need to force this down your throat?" he asked.

**Play the game Cookie. Watch and wait.**

She shook her head and took the plate. Shuffling back on the bed, she crossed her legs and began to pick at the food. She thought he'd leave but he sat opposite her, one leg under the other resting on the floor. She decided to keep quiet and began to eat.

"Did you belong to a group?" he asked, watching her. She shook her head.

"How'd you survive?"

Now to start with the lies and hope she could remember them.

"I got out of Atlanta just before they napalmed it, been on the run ever since." she said neutrally and kept eating.

"Nah, I don't fucking buy that. You had someone." he said.

"My brother…he died."

"Lawrence?" and she nodded.

"How'd he die?"

"Bitten…I put him down myself." she didn't look up.

"Where'd you learn to fight?"

"Self-taught. Adversity is the mother of invention." she said echoing what she'd said to Rick a long time ago.

"Ain't that the fucking truth. You join up with anybody else?"

"A small group, at the beginning."

"Where're they now?"

"They're all dead. Like the animals in the ark, they went two by two." she said quietly and looked up. He was staring at her, eyes almost as dark as her own.

"How long you been on your own?" Essie shrugged and looked away.

"Long enough."

"Ok" he murmured, "ok" and they sat in silence for a while.

"Where'd you get those scars?" he asked suddenly.

"From before." she said shortly.

"Oh come on now Pippi, I want more than that."

**Make him think he has a chance.**

Essie sighed and put down the food.

"As you can tell I come from England. My mother died when I was very young and I was sent to live with her family. They didn't want me and they were very clear about it."

He sucked air through his teeth, "I still want more."

"Most of the scars on my back came from a heated poker, some are from the buckle end of a belt, a couple are from being pushed down stone stairs. I know you think that by making me tell you this, you'll have some kind of power over me but believe me when I tell you I accepted what happened to me long ago."

He grinned again but didn't say anything.

"What did you do before?" he asked after another period of silence.

"I was a teacher." she said.

"No shit?" he exclaimed and Essie noted this new reaction.

"What about you? What did you do?" and opened her eyes wide, to make it seem like she was interested in his answer.

"We're not talking about me." he said smoothly and she shrugged.

"What did you teach?"

"History" she said dismissively, "Look, I've answered you questions, I've eaten your food. Are we done?"

"Not even close. What part of Britain are you from?" he continued.

"The middle" she answered shortly.

"Oh come on now Pippi, don't close up on me now. We were doing so fucking well." he said, "Why'd you leave?"

"To be with my brother"

"You said your mother died and you were sent away, did your brother go with you?" so he was listening.

She shook her head "He was my half brother, same father, different mother."

"So daddy wasn't around for you?" Essie ignored the question and put her empty plate on the floor.

"You married?"

"No."

"You ever been married?"

"No"

"Never married? A smoking hot piece of ass like you never married?" he sat back and waited for her reaction.

"No. I knew I didn't want to be tied to some dick who was stupider than me, who would sleep around but get sore if I did the same thing. I didn't want to perform the same dance day after day, caught in an ever decreasing circle of same old same old with only divorce or death to look forward. I didn't want the perpetual disappointment of a weak and feeble man hanging onto my coat tails…" She moved towards him and was gratified to see him move back ever so slightly, she kept moving forward, "I didn't want to dumb myself down just so as he wouldn't feel belittled. I didn't want to compromise on myself for the sake of an illusion of happiness. I didn't want to be tied to an anchor that would slow me down, drag me to the bottom of the ocean and keep me there…in the cold and the dark…"

She was very close to him now, he could feel her long hair brushing across his hands. Her skin was very white, like marble and her eyes were jet. He didn't feel fear and he wasn't threatened but he was totally aware of her for the first time. He realised he'd misjudged her. She wasn't bottled lightning, nothing so mundane could hold her.

"Hot fucking damn" he breathed and she gave him a tiger smile.


	48. Chapter 48

**I've re-watched the first few episodes and the first one killed me all over again. Then the third one made me want to reach through the screen to save Daryl. All I wanted was for Carol to turn up with a rifle and a firework and take all the Saviors out an then hug him; so this chapter is cathartic in nature (up to a point). Thank you for reading and please let me know what you think.**

Walking a straight line through the bend.

Essie watched as he licked his lips and tilted his head forward. She sat back with a triumphant look and Negan realised she'd played him and smiled.

"Alright" he drawled, "I'm learnin' Pippi, I'm learnin'…who are you really?"

"Just a woman at the end of the world waiting for The Rapture." she said.

"Well don't go leaving too fucking soon." he grinned but she remained silent.

"Come with us tomorrow…I'm going to visit my new town, I want you there."

"You sure you can trust me?"

**Listen and wait.**

"Not even close but it might be good for you see. I had to show these fuckers who they're dealing with and they ain't happy…I had to let Lucille negotiate when we first met."

**Wait.**

"I tell you, the way the big fucker with the ginger moustache took that beating…well it just about made my fucking heart sing…it took a few good swings to take him down…the other guy not so much, he went down easy…stuttered to his girlfriend…funniest fucking thing I've seen in a long time."

Essie felt her fists curl involuntarily.

**Wait.**

"Their head guy…man he folded so easy, crying and snotting all over the place…his kid though, ice cold. One eye and he was still stronger than his old man."

Fire flowed through her veins. Her mind screamed to rip the smile from his face with her teeth, tear his eyes out with her bare hands, drown him in his own blood whilst this compound burned to ash.

"Took his right hand man, he's here…I'm gonna enjoy breaking that one. Gonna take him with me tomorrow…have some fucking fun."

She was going to pull his heart out through the hole she'd kick in his chest and then eat it whilst he still took breath.

**Wait.**

Negan leaned forward and caught her hair in his fist and pulled her close.

"Come tomorrow…maybe I'll give you you're boots back."

"Sure" she replied lightly.

"Good" he said and let her go.

After Negan left, she quietly closed the door and returned to her bed, Picking up the pillow, she screamed into it.

She had no intention of going back to Alexandria now. She'd watch, she'd wait, she'd make sure Daryl was out and safe and then she'd guarantee every single one of these fuckers except Negan died screaming and alone. She'd take him to an desolate place, flay him alive and let him turn. She'd take her time, she'd enjoy it.

Now…who would she kill to get out of going to Alexandria? With such choice, she felt like a kid in a sweet shop.

The next morning the fat guard came in.

"Negan says to put these on." he said and handed her a pair boots. She smiled.

Following the guard out, she knew she'd have to act just at the right time. Too soon and it would be obvious; too late and she ran the risk of coming face to face with Daryl. She exited a door and saw Negan directing a few of the men by the trucks. Now was the time.

She took the length of bandage she'd stolen and wound it round her both her hands. Closing the gap between her and the guard in front, she reached over and pulled it tight around his throat making sure he had time to call out before she cut off his air supply. He fell to the ground struggling to hook his fingers underneath the material. She landed in top of him and leaned back tightening it even further. She could see Negan and the other men coming towards her and the guard was making a gurgling, rasping sound turning purple then blue. She heard his throat crunch and he went limp. It was music to her ears.

The first man to reach her pulled his gun out too late, she had time to leap to her feet and kick the gun out of his hand. She shattered his nose with her fist and stamped on his nuts as he fell. Another grabbed her from behind but she rammed her elbow into his chin and was satisfied when a chunk of his tongue fell out of his mouth as he tried to scream.

Another was armed with a police baton, he caught her on the back of her knee but she pulled him down as she fell. Landing on his chest she repeatedly punched him in the face until there was nothing but blood. She grabbed a fistful of dirt and stuffed it into his mouth as he gagged. Then she felt an arm round her throat from behind and was lifted into the air. One punched her in the torso but she rammed her elbow into the ribs of the man holding her and she heard a gratifying crack of ribs. He dropped her and she took off running in the opposite direction of the trucks.

She raced past the maze of metal fences containing chained walkers, past buildings and portakabins, through the group of people harvesting the latest crop towards a gap in the buildings. She wasn't running to get away but she needed to make it look convincing and she knew they were chasing her.

Rounding the corner she skidded to a halt at the sight of a wall of guns all aimed at her head.

"Lock your hands behind your head and then don't move!" She complied.

"I knew I shouldn't have given you those boots" came Negan's voice from behind her, "teach her the lesson but stay away from her face." and she felt the first punch land on the back of her head. She fell to the ground and rolled into a ball as the kicks and punches came like rain.

She was thrown back into the cell after the beating. At least they weren't playing the song.

When the pain had subsided enough to think straight, she replayed what she'd learned about the compound. It was much bigger than she'd first thought and there seemed to be an intricate maze of fences and walkers to navigate. Difficult but not impossible.

Hopefully this little escapade would mean Negan wouldn't be letting her out any time soon so she could work on her plan without anyone from Alexandria finding out she was here.

The silence was heavy in the tiny room.

Abraham was gone…just gone. She tried to think of the last thing she'd said to him but all she could remember was him stroking his moustache as he tried to bluff at poker. Her heart broke a little for Sasha and Rosita; both had loved him. She silently promised she would make every last one of these animals pay.

Who was the other Negan had talked about? It wasn't Daryl; could it be Aaron, Eugene, Glen? Who would have done something to get the attention of Lucille? She thought it would probably have been Glen. He must've tried to reason with Negan or perhaps protect Maggie…they would fucking pay if it was the last thing she did.

Time rolled on.

The hatch opened and something was thrown into the cell.

"Put these on" came a voice from the other side. She groped in the dark and found the plastic cuffs. She put them on and showed her hands to the hatch.

"Step back" said the voice again and the door opened.

There were 3 guards this time. One had his gun trained on her whilst the other 2 approached her.

One stood behind her as another put a collar round her neck. It was a leather collar for a large dog, there was a clip for the leash.

When they were finished, the guard pulled her out of the cell and attached a leather leash.

She was lead down the corridor and up the stairs by the leash. She was almost impressed; this was a punishment designed to control and humiliate.

Essie was dragged into Negan's room where he appeared to be waiting for her.

"There's my little bitch." he said gleefully and took the leash from the guard who left, "What do you think of my present?"

She remained silent.

"I'm fucking disappointed. I thought we were finally getting along. You told me all about your daddy issues and how poor little Essie was badly treated and then you go and pull a stunt like that…very fucking disappointing."

She still didn't speak and he yanked on the leash, nearly pulling her over.

"If I hadn't had such a good day I would kill you but…I've just had too much fun in my new town to ruin it."

She didn't even look at him.

"You know, " he said to the invisible audience, "I always wanted a pet puppy and now I've got my very own she-wolf right here" he punctuated every word with a jerk of the leash. He wound the leather round his hand drawing her closer to him until she was almost against him. He looked down.

"You'll kneel…if I have to break your legs, you'll kneel" he whispered. She met his eye.

"You don't want to do that." she said slowly.

"Really?" he asked still staring at her.

"You don't want to break me…you want me to want to kneel"

"Is that right?" he'd lost his ubiquitous shit eating grin, replacing it with a hungry look.

"If you force me to kneel, you've lost…if I choose to kneel, you've won."

"What if I don't give a shit?"

"But you do" she was on a knife edge, this could go either way, the next words out of her mouth had better be the right ones

**Make him think he has a chance.**

"Perhaps I will kneel…for you." she said softly and he smiled.

"Or perhaps you'll kneel for me" she added and saw his eyes go black in an instant but it wasn't wrath this time…it was something very different but equally powerful.

Negan was clever enough to realise this hell-cat couldn't be trusted, he'd sooner put his dick in a rattlesnake's mouth. But fuck if she wasn't the most interesting thing to happen since the goddamn apocalypse.

"I brought you back another present." he said, breaking the tension and she raised one eyebrow with a look of disdain.

"Do you want it or not?" he asked.

"Unless it's a pack of cigarettes and a lighter I really couldn't care less" she said dismissively. A grin split his face and he pulled a brand new, unopened cigarette pack and a lighter out of the pocket of his leather jacket. The look of shock on her face was genuine.

He unwrapped the cellophane and snapped open the cardboard top. The rows of white cigarettes looked like a freshly painted fence. He slowly slid one out and placed it gently between her lips; he flicked the lighter and held it the end of the cigarette. She placed her hands round his to steady the flame and inhaled. It was the first contact they'd had that wasn't rooted in violence. She removed the cigarette and blew out a stream of smoke with a deep satisfaction.

"Those'll fucking kill you" he said softly.

"They'll have to get in line" she said dryly, taking another drag and he threw his head back and laughed.

Still holding her leash, he took off his jacket and hung it carefully on the back of a chair. Lucille was placed on the table, Essie tried not to look at it. He pulled her over to the cupboards and got out a bottle of whisky and two glasses. After pouring a measure into each, he moved a chair opposite his and pressed her into it. He then sat down and passed her the glass. She watched him take a mouthful but didn't touch her own.

"Drink" he ordered but she shook her head.

"I want to know what this is costing me." she said and he tilted his head up.

"There is no way the food, clothes, medicine, cigarettes and whisky are free. I've seen enough to know you're not just giving this shit away."

"There's a bartering system. You work, you earn points and you live, simple."

"But I'm not working, I'm not doing anything yet I'm being fed and clothed. I'm accruing a debt I can't pay off." He took another mouthful of whisky.

"Drink" he said again but she still refused.

"How much is this costing me?" she asked, watching him carefully.

"You can pay in information" he said.

"I don't have any information" she replied, "I don't know anything about anything."

"Information about you" he said with another grin, "tell your story and the debt'll be cleared."

"Why'd you want to know my story?" she asked but he didn't answer, he just stared at her with his dark eyes and tugged gently on the leash.

**Fold, even when you know you could win.**

"Ok" she said slowly, "deal."

She drank the whisky and took a drag of her cigarette. The taste reminded her of lying next to Daryl, his skin burning hers, listening to the rain outside. It turned to acid in her stomach but she gave Negan a smile.


	49. Chapter 49

**I'm IN THE MIDDLE of the latest episode but 9 o'clock was too far away when I got home so I cracked on with the story. I hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you think if you can. I am very angry with Carl for not pulling the trigger when he had the chance (but I'm also secretly a bit pleased) I would also have beaten Negan to death with his own fruit plate (probably).**

Walking a straight line through the bend

Essie was bored. She was so bored she thought she might be going slightly mad. Negan had been true to his word when he'd said she'd pay in information rather than work; she'd done nothing for 3 days. She was confined to a room with a bed, a table, a chair but no window. It was better than the cell but only slightly. She'd spoken to no one, not even the guard who brought her food and took her to the shower block, he was apparently under instructions not to talk to her.

The last time she'd had this much time on her hands was when she'd attacked Nicholas after he'd got Lawrence hurt. It was whilst she'd been in that room she'd got to know Jessie, Michonne, even Deanna. Daryl had slipped the cigarette under the door and he'd pulled her up onto the roof when she'd escaped.

She paced up and down the tiny room. He was in the same building as her; he was right there and she couldn't go to him. She could pick the lock easier than saying her own name, she could get him out and they could burn this place to the ground together.

**You're good Cookie, but are you good enough to go up against Negan and his entire army? Could you take them all out in one go? Because that's what you'd need to do. **

"I could" she thought, "I could. I took on Luka and won."

**Luka was insane and insanity contains the seed of its own destruction. Negan isn't insane; he's organised, he's intelligent and he's ruthless. Do you want to risk Daryl's life or your own for a chimera? Stick to the plan, play the game and fold until you know you can win.**

What if I wait too long?

**Don't.**

Essie sighed in frustration. She needed to move things along and being in this room wasn't getting her anywhere fast. Hearing the bolt pull back on the door, she sat on the bed and waited for the guard to enter with her food. Instead, Negan walked in.

In the confined space she could see how large he was, not just height or bulk but his personality filled up the space until there was nothing left for anything else.

"Field trip" he said and threw her a pair of zip tie cuffs.

"No" she replied and waited.

"Put the fucking cuffs on" and grabbed her arms when she refused to comply. She went limp meaning he couldn't hold her up and put the cuffs on at the same time. He let her drop to the floor. She desperately wanted to beat him until his bones cracked but that wouldn't be part of the plan.

"Jesus fucking Christ woman!" he shouted and loomed over her, "You're coming with me if I have to drag you by the fucking hair." She looked up at him.

"Why the fuck would I want to watch you shit all over people who've got nothing to do with me?" she hissed.

"You are one cold bitch…we're not going to one of my towns. I wanna go and check out a warehouse a couple of my guys spotted last week" he said.

"Why'd you need me…take one of your gofers." she said dismissively. He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her out into the corridor and flung her against the wall; pushing his knee hard into her stomach, he forced the cuffs over her wrists and pulled them tight. He shoved her in front of him and frogmarched her through the building. Essie kept her head down and tried to cover her face with her hair. The last thing she wanted was to run into Dwight with Daryl.

They exited through a door into a small yard. The gravel felt sharp under her bare feet and she realised how little she'd moved in the past few weeks; she got soft, weak. Negan propelled her to a truck and slung her into the passenger seat, he then got behind the wheel and they drove through the labyrinth and out.

He didn't speak and she was grateful. No matter how fucked the current situation was it felt so good to be out of the compound, to see the woods hadn't changed and to feel the fresh air on her face. She wound the window down some more and stuck her head out, feeling the wind in her hair. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the sensation. It ended abruptly when Negan grabbed her and roughly pulling her back in.

"What the fuck?" she exploded, she'd almost forgotten he was there.

"Hands and feet in the vehicle at all fucking times, don't want you getting any ideas." he said, still holding her in place. She looked down at his large hand splayed over her chest and wanted to break every bone, instead she wrapped her fingers over his and gently removed his hand and then sat demurely staring at the road.

The motion of the truck was soothing. She found herself thinking about the journey back from the Grand Canyon. Fuck's sake, she'd driven to the fucking Grand Canyon in a fit of pique, what the hell had she been thinking? The old woman had been right, she was an A grade idiot. She remembered Rick's face when she'd rocked up to the gate with a truck full of food and an apology. He'd been so angry and then she'd got angry and they'd nearly come to blows…it all seemed like a hundred years ago. The memory book then flipped to arriving back from the warehouse with more food than they'd thought possible but she and Daryl were covered from head to food in dried mud. The water Carol and Maggie had so gleefully used had been colder than God. She gave a small laugh, totally forgetting where she was.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" Negan said breaking the memory like glass.

"Nothing important" she said quietly.

"No fucking way, you pay with information. What were you laughing at?" he repeated.

"I just remembered how Lawrence always got sick on long car journeys and one time, before, he puked and all we had to clean it was an expensive bottle of champagne. We joked that our family was so classy we even cleaned vomit with top shelf Bollinger." she said, comfortable in the lie.

"You come from money? Fuck me Pippi, wish I'd met you earlier" Negan said, grinning, she didn't answer.

He lightly pulled her hair but the intimation was it would get harder, "Information" he said.

"Yes…Lawrence was rich, I wasn't." she said witheringly.

"Did daddy leave it all to the son and leave the red headed bastard girl child out in the fucking cold?" Negan asked, letting go of her hair.

"He left me a sizeable legacy but I used it to set up a scholarship fund for girls to go to university." Essie realised that she'd not even told Lawrence this, it hadn't seemed important.

"Very fucking altruistic" he said but Essie shrugged.

"I didn't need it." she said.

"Didn't need it or didn't want it?" he asked, not looking at her but she could sense his interest.

"Both" she answered.

"How'd you get away from your mom's family? You know…the ones who gave you those brutal fucking scars?" he asked and she appreciated his skilled cruelty.

"They died"

"How?"

"In a house fire."

"You set it" he stated and she felt the hairs rise on the back of her neck…she'd underestimated him. She kept forgetting how smart he was. She needed to get back on her game.

"No but I didn't save them either" she said flatly and saw that he believed her.

"You, Pippi, are one cold bitch" he echoed.

"You're not even close" she thought but kept her mouth shut.

They travelled for half an hour in silence.

"Where you a hell raiser?" he asked out of the blue.

"Sorry?" she asked, genuinely confused.

"When you were younger, did you raise hell?" he asked with a grin.

"Do you mean did I drink? Stay out late? Break a few rules? Show me a teenager who didn't" she said.

"Did I fucking ask if you were a typical teenager? I asked you if you raised hell" he repeated.

"No, I was a typical teenager and then I was a typical adult until the world broke and then nothing was typical so it didn't matter." she said.

"Bullshit" he said.

"Well, you think what you want but I'm telling the truth. I'm sorry if I don't fit into your version of me but you wanted information and that's what you're getting, no more and no less."

"Who'd you fuck first?" he fired at her.

"Of all the questions you could ask me…that's the one you choose? An unskilful and useless question. You disappoint me." she said and didn't care if it provoked him.

Silence.

"You're right" he said almost apologetically and she looked up startled, "That was crude. I wanted to see how'd you react."

"And what did my reaction tell you?"

"That underneath the fire and fight, you're a woman with class" Essie didn't think he was taking the piss and she was pleasantly surprised. In trying to learn more about her, he was revealing more about himself; seemingly this plan was working.

"Why history?" he asked after another period of silence.

"Because in learning about history, you learn about human nature." she used an answer one of her fellow professors had given when she'd asked the same question to her.

"What did you learn about human nature?" he seemed genuinely interested. Unfortunately Essie hadn't got that far with the History professor, she was on her own now.

"That humans hold victory and failure in equal measure and it's often only one decision that tips the balance either way." she was satisfied with her answer. He went to ask another question but saw the warehouse appear on the horizon and stopped the conversation, Essie breathed a secret sigh of relief.

He pulled onto a small track leading into the woods and got out. Essie tried to open the passenger door but it seemed he'd put the child locks on so she sat whilst he went to the back. He opened her door and drew her round so she was sat with her legs outside of the door. Kneeling down in front of her, he produced a pair of boots and began to loosen the laces, then he placed her foot on his thigh.

"I can put my own fucking boots on" she hissed and tried to pull her foot away but he held it in place. He lifted her foot, slipped the boot on and carefully did the lace up, then he did the same with the other foot. He didn't look up at her.

He then got to his feet and pulled her out of the truck. He grabbed the AR-18 resting against the side and slung Lucille over his shoulder, Essie could see he also had a knife at his belt. They walked a little way through the woods until they came to a chain link fence that bordered the yard at the back of the warehouse. They crouched down.

Essie was aware she was still wearing the ziptie cuffs.

He pulled aside the corrugated iron of an enclosure and they came face to face with a pile of about 8 dead bodies, all women and all naked. It was obvious they'd been beaten and starved. Some were without faces, some were almost beyond recognition as once being human, some were tied to posts and then stabbed in the head. This was not a reconnaissance mission…Essie was unsurprised.

"What did your men say about the situation inside?" she said but Negan put his finger to his lips and turned away. He lifted up the side of the fence that'd already been cut and she shoved her way through. She was cuffed, no weapon, no idea of the layout and with a man she wouldn't trust as far as she could drop kick him.

She knew exactly what this was.

Negan lead the way through the parked trucks until they reached a door. He slowly opened it and walked through, Essie followed.

"Avon calling" he yelled and a voice came from the other side of a barrier made of pallets.

"What the fuck?"

"I said…Avon fucking calling" Negan shouted and fired the automatic rifle over the top of the barrier. Whoever it was returned fire and Essie only just had time to leap behind a concrete pillar. She looked over to see Negan behind the next pillar grinning at her. She tilted her head at him and saluted. Then she pulled the cuffs as tight as she could with her teeth and swung her wrists against her hip bone, snapping the plastic and releasing her hands.

There was a scraping sound as the people on the other side of the barrier began to move it aside to get to them. She knew she'd get slaughtered if she stayed where she was but she needed a weapon. Scouting around the debris on the floor she saw a rusty tin can…that'd have to do. A bullet chipped a sizeable chunk off the pillar next to her but she barely noticed. She heard Negan fire again but he was on his own.

She lay on the ground curled into herself and waited. During a break in the gunfire, she heard footsteps approach. A boot prodded her back but she didn't move. She felt someone lean over and smelt the stink coming off them. When they were almost on top of her, she swung with the tin can in her hand. She felt it connect and tear through flesh, there was a bubbling scream and she felt the familiar spray of warm blood across her chest. She leapt to her feet and looked down. A skinny man wearing a filthy white vest and army hat was clutching his bleeding face and rolling on the ground. She snatched the knife from his belt and stabbed through his hand, his temple and into his brain, he went still and she moved on.

Skirting round to the side of the barrier and hidden in shadows, she moved towards where the bulk of sound was coming from. Negan was apparently still returning fire…she truly hoped one of those fuckers got lucky and killed him but somehow she doubted it.

The barrier only went halfway across as if they couldn't be bothered to finish it. Essie slipped through and saw a camp; scabby bedrolls, detritus everywhere, a fire pit in the middle. About 10 men in various states of undress were stationed at points along the piss poor barrier, firing randomly. A couple were frantically trying to collect the weapons strewn about the camp.

She was shocked to recognise one of them. It was the fucker who had tried to rape and kill her in Somerset, Kentucky on her way back from the Grand Canyon…what the fuck was his name?...Bud! He'd left his friend to die after she'd sliced his hand off. Any nagging doubt about killing these men disappeared as soon as she saw him.

"Bud" she called in a low voice and ducked behind another pillar. He turned but didn't see her; she called again and he cautiously made his way over to the sound, carrying a Browning BDA. She slipped around the side of the pillar and hissed his name again. When he was near enough she grabbed his neck from behind and cut his throat before he had time to call out. She let him gently slide to the floor and took the gun. After checking the magazine was full, she slipped the safety off and walked out from behind the pillar.

It took her less than 40 seconds to kill 9 of the men at the barricade. The last jumped down and slithered behind a chunk of stone and fired randomly. She ducked behind a large stack of pallets and thought about what to do. She was out of bullets and she had no idea how much ammunition the last man standing had left. She could take the long way round and try to get to him from the other side but there was no way to know if that was possible. There was a sudden burst of gunfire.

"You still fucking breathing Pippi?" she heard Negan shout…so he'd survived? Marvellous.

For a split second she thought about not answering and slipping away, finding a car and going home but only for a second. She should have saved a bullet. She emerged from behind the pallets to see Negan aiming a pistol at her and the last man dead at his feet without a skull.

"You fucking did all of this?" he asked, staring at the carnage and she sighed.

"You know I did…this is what you wanted to see. This whole field trip was a test" she tried not to look at the bodies hanging of the barricade. She knew they'd been murdering rapists but the fact she'd been forced into this confrontation with them as a sick test made her rage inside. Negan was staring at her with what could only be described as an expression of pride. Lucille was covered in gore and he look full and satisfied. How she wished she'd saved a bullet.

"And you passed with flying fucking colours." he said, walking towards her, "gun" he demanded and she handed it over, handle first.

"You hungry?" he asked, "I'm fucking starving" and stepped over another body, heading towards the door at the far end. She followed, making sure her vest was over the back of her jeans.


	50. Chapter 50

**I had a horrible thought whilst brushing my teeth this morning – what if Daryl dies in this season? And that made me think that I would probably stop watching if that happened… and THAT made me think that if he does die it would ruin all the previous seasons for me as well. And then I remembered that it's just a tv programme and no matter how much I love it I needed to get a grip. So here is the next instalment – I hope you enjoy it. Thank you so much for reading it and please let me know what you think if you want to.**

Walk a straight line through the bend

Essie had been expecting to head back to the truck but he lead her a different way, through the other side of the warehouse and out into the woods beyond.

They arrived in a small clearing where a table with food and wine, glasses, china and cutlery had been set up. The table virtually groaned with bread, meat, fruit and vegetables, there was even a small silver candelabra with 3 candles.

"I had this set up as a reward for after your little test." he said and tore off a chunk of bread. Essie, the poker player, kept a straight face, "you see I was so fucking sure you'd make it out alive." He searched her face for a reaction but she gave nothing away.

"Oh don't be sore, here…as an additional reward." he tossed her the packet of cigarettes and the lighter. Essie was strong but she wasn't strong enough to refuse a cigarette and she fully realised it. She inhaled deeply and blew out a stream of smoke, closing her eyes.

"Fuck…I wish someone sucked on me with that look" Negan said and poured a glass of red wine; Essie forbore any comment. He passed her the glass.

"Now I'm no fancy fucking wine connoisseur but I guessed you'd drink red rather than white." He proffered Essie the glass which she took.

"A thank you would be fucking nice" he said dangerously.

"Thank you" she said flatly and downed the full glass in one go.

"Fuck you're a tough nut to crack" he said and held up his glass in a toast, "To Essie. One bad ass mother fucker" and drank.

"Eat" he ordered and pulled her to the table and handed her a heavy, white china plate. She gripped it tightly.

**Don't even think about it Cookie, you know he's got men in the woods. You make one move and you're dead. Watch, wait and play the game.**

She put a piece of bread and a few grapes on her plate.

"You want more than that" Negan said and took the plate from her and began to load it with food.

"No meat!" she said quickly and he held his hands up in mock submission and took the slices off. He then pushed it back into her hands; he refilled her wine glass and took it over to a blanket on the ground. He lay down, looking instantly relaxed, and indicated she should sit. She sat cross legged directly opposite and began to eat; he watched her.

"So did you enjoy my test?" he asked lightly.

"No" she answered with her mouth full.

"Don't fucking lie to me. I was watching you. The minute we got started you came alive. Shit, you were a deadly bitch; the way you played that guy and then sliced him with a rusty can…you took that bastard down with a tin fucking can…if I hadn't seen it with my own fucking eyes I wouldn't've believed it. You're a goddam weapon of mass destruction." Essie said nothing but put her plate down and drank some wine; lighting another cigarette, she waited.

"Join us" he said quietly and scrutinised her face.

"No" she repeated.

"Why?"

"I'm not a joiner" she answered and he laughed.

"Join me" he said again.

"No" she said more emphatically.

"You and me together Pippi…we could rule this fucking world" he said, still watching her closely.

"You make it sound like a marriage proposal…You don't want to partner with me because you're not stupid" she said, blowing out a plume of smoke.

He gave her a questioning look.

She leaned in close to him and looked him in the eye.

"Because I would take everything from you; your men, your women, your supplies, your weapons, your compound, your strength, your dignity, your self-respect and then…I'd keep you alive. You'd beg to die. You'd plead with me; you'd entreat me to end your suffering and I'd refuse. I don't want your world but I'd take it anyway…because I can." Her eyes were huge in the dying light.

"What makes you think you'd want to do that to me?" he asked quietly, through a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

**Stop talking Cookie, close your mouth, play nice.**

"Because you're nothing." Essie said unable to stop, "You're just one man. One man with a limited life span. History is littered with men who burned in their lifetime but left nothing that lasted. Alexander wept when he realised he had no more worlds to conquer and it was all gone less than a lifetime later. Genghis Khan ruled half the world but was buried in an unmarked grave. Hitler said the Third Reich would last a thousand years, it didn't last a quarter of a century. The cult of personality only lasts as long as the personality and you'll die soon." She sat back and waited.

He looked at her sitting on the ground with her Sphinx-like face, spattered with the blood of the men she'd killed less than an hour ago. The dying sun was behind her and night rolled overhead like black smoke.

"You gonna kill me?" he whispered and her lips curved into a dangerous smile.

"You think you can do a better job than me?" he asked without anger.

"No…I think I would be just like you in the end. A leader needs to have no arrogance, no pride, no vices and no desires. They must be dispassionate in all things. They must have nothing and no-one. They must be rigorous and just. Mercy must be treated like a luxury and they must be good. I'm full of arrogance and pride. I'm seamed with vices and desires, I'm never merciful and I'm never good."

"You think I'm nothing?" he asked.

"Don't take it personally. I think we're all nothing. Our world is dying and us that are left are just too stupid or stubborn to realise." she said matter-of-factly.

"Man, that's fucking bleak" Negan said.

"Not really. We're an arrogant species and can't believe in our own extinction but that doesn't change the fact that's it happening anyway. The earth will keep spinning, we just won't be part of it."

"You really believe that?" he asked and she nodded.

"You ever been in love Pippi?" he asked after a beat of silence.

"No" she answered without looking at him.

"I don't fucking believe you" he said.

"I don't fucking care if you believe me or not" she answered mildly.

"Don't fucking lie to me, that would ruin the moment. So…have you ever been in love?" he repeated. Essie sighed and remained silent.

"There's never been a guy who broke your heart? Who whispered sweet fucking nothings in your ear and then fucked your best friend or your boss or your cousin? No special someone who promised you the fucking world and then disappeared like priest in a whorehouse?"

"No there's never been a guy who broke my heart" she said.

"You'll tell me eventually" Negan said, "you'll spill all your fucking secrets." Essie remained stone faced.

"Who the fuck are you really?" he whispered leaning forward, his eyes roaming all over her face.

"I'm nobody" she answered not backing away.

"You're a fucking liar" and he leaned in further and kissed her. She immediately tried to pull away but he wrapped his hands round the back of her head and held her there.

Essie felt the warmth of his lips and the scratch of his beard, he smelt like cordite and soap, he tasted of the wine. She caught his bottom lip in her teeth and bit down, hard. He immediately dropped his hand,

slammed them into her shoulders and she fell back, He cradled his mouth with his hands and stared as they came away bloody.

"Stand down" he shouted thickly and held up his hand, a movement in the trees told Essie his men were standing down. He looked at his bloody fingers again and back at her.

"Don't do that again" she said, quietly emphatic.

"If that'd been anybody else" he said slowly, "I would let Lucille loose and give her the time of her life but…I shouldn't've done that…I guess I got carried away…Damn! I've never had a kiss that drew blood before" and he licked his lip, "Sit back here, finish your food. I promise I'll be a fucking gentleman from here on out."

Realising she didn't have much choice, Essie sat back down and lit another cigarette thinking she might as well take advantage while she could. Negan touched his lip again but the bleeding had already stopped.

One of the men emerged from the dark.

"Boss, there's roamers heading this way, a big group"

"Looks like dinner time's over Pippi." Negan said and pulled out a pair of tactical metal cuffs. Slipping them over her wrists, he looked down into her face but she stared through him.

Neither of them spoke on the journey back. Her words echoed in his mind.

_"…I would take everything from you...I don't want your world but I'd take it anyway…because I can."_

He knew he should kill her, he'd seen how dangerous she was. He couldn't even crack her surface let alone break her…and yet…When he'd kissed her he'd just wanted to see what she'd do but, in the moment between his lips meeting hers and the pain of her bite, he'd felt her fire. Whoever the guy was whom she loved, he was one lucky son of a bitch and he ever found him Negan would be sure to introduce him to Lucille real fucking quick.

**You nearly lost tonight Cookie and not just the hand you're playing but the whole game. You need to be a lot smarter.**

Please, just for a little while, stop. I'm tired…I'm so tired.

They arrived back in the compound and Essie fully expected to be taken back to her room but Negan brought her to a door she'd never seen before. He pushed it open to reveal a sitting room, luxuriously furnished with a group of pretty women, all dressed in black, sitting around doing not very much.

"Pippi, meet my wives. Wives, meet Pippi, the biggest bad ass this side of…well…me." and he grinned at Essie who was staring around the room.

"These women are your wives? You keep a group of women in this gaudy cage? I take it you sleep with all of them?" she asked, careful to keep any emotion out of her voice.

"You fucking bet I do" he said.

Essie looked round the room again; most of the women didn't meet her eye except one whom she recognised. It was the woman who'd helped her when she'd collapsed in the corridor. She returned Essie's stare with an inscrutable look.

It might have been the exhaustion or the dregs of adrenaline or it might've been the sheer ridiculousness of what she was seeing but Essie couldn't help herself. She began to laugh and then she couldn't stop. Tears rolled down her face, she doubled over, she couldn't breath; every time she thought she'd got it under control, she'd look around the room and start all over again.

"I'm glad you find this so fucking amusing" Negan said with a dangerous smile, "cos this is where you'll end up." Essie, still laughing, wiped away the tears.

"Oh thank you, I needed a laugh. As for ending up here?" she smiled up at him, "I'd burn this place to the ground before that happened" and he lost his grin. The women froze and waited for the inevitable.

"Just for that…you go back in the cell" he whispered. Twirling Lucille round, he clocked her on the side of her head with the handle and she dropped like a stone.

Essie rolled her head from her shoulders and felt the pain knife through her skull. She had no idea how long she'd been out and that fucking song was playing again. It was pitch black and airless in the cell. She put her hand up to her temple and it came away sticky with blood; her hands were uncuffed. She rested her head against the wall. Reaching behind her back, she lifted her top and retrieved the small switchblade she'd liberated from Bud after slitting his throat. It was a simple knife with a wooden handle but the blade was sharp. She gave a slow smile.

**Wait and watch. Don't rush in where angels fear to tread, Cookie.**

You know what?…I'm right at home where angels fear to tread. I've waited long enough. Now it's time to raise a little hell.


	51. Chapter 51

**Ok so Daryl's not dead yet (phew) and I think I got over my 'thing' for Negan after he'd had a shave (definitely not as attractive). I thought Spencer's death was fantastic and I was sad about Olivia (I liked her). The whole reunion bit made my heart hurt and THANK GOD it looks like they're going to fight back. February is a very long time to wait and I'm already excited. Thank you for reading this and please let me know what you think.**

Essie waited for a few hours. She listened and watched the shadows pass under the door; they were few and far between. All the time she twirled the knife between her fingers and breathed. It felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest; she hadn't realised it but not taking action had been killing her far quicker than any torture.

"I love you Carol but I'm doing it my way" she thought. After a while the corridor outside was quiet, no more shadows. Essie slipped the knife down between the crack in the door and felt it meet the lock; she hit it with the palm of her hand and the door sprang open.

"Thank you YouTube and delayed trains" she muttered and checked the hallway. Finding it empty, she crept along keeping low against the wall. There were no voices or sounds and all the other doors were locked. She came to the stairway and walked up with the knife in her hand.

Slowly opening the door, Essie saw the corridor leading to the doctor's room and the main living area, she went the other way. A woman opened a door and Essie saw she had a gun in her belt. She opened her mouth to shout but Essie punched her in the throat and then kicked her back into the room. The woman fell to the floor unconscious and Essie closed the door behind them. Kneeling next to her, Essie found the revolver was loaded with 4 rounds, she shoved it into the back of her trousers and looked around the rest of the room. It was a jumble of clothes on a camp bed, a few empty plates were on a table and half a bottle of what looked like water. Essie sniffed it to make sure and then drank it gratefully. She put her foot next to the woman's, they were about the same size. She unlaced the boots and took the woman's socks. Essie wiggled her toes in the unfamiliar boots and once again longed for her own but they were probably long gone by now, one of these bastards was probably enjoying their sturdy comfort. She also took a shirt off the bed and went through some drawers looking for more ammunition but there was nothing else. The woman on the floor groaned and coughed; Essie punched her again and threw a pile of clothes over her, it might buy her a few more minutes.

Opening the door, Essie was pleased to see the corridor was still empty. Now she was armed with a knife and a gun, she had socks and boots and she'd punched a Saviour unconscious, it was turning out to be a good day. She slipped through and continued on her way.

Further down and the corridor came to a T junction, Essie felt that left was a good option and arrived at another stairway. It was still quiet but the groaning from the walker pen could just about be heard. Good, that meant she was heading towards the outside. She got to the top and turned left again.

The corridor was dimly lit but it was quiet. She walked slowly with the knife in her hand. She passed an open doorway and a hand shot out, dragging her in. She slashed with the knife and the figure hissed and leapt back. It was too dark to see anything specific but she could hear their breathing. The figure lashed out again and she just managed to dodge but they span around and knocked her legs from under her. She landed on her back, punching the air from her lungs. She kicked out and caught them on the knee and they too fell down. Rolling up onto her knees, she rammed an elbow into their sternum and held her knife to their throat.

"Wait! Wait! Please!" the figure hissed. It was the 'please' that stopped Essie from cutting their throat. She pulled the beanie off their head and looked down.

"Please…please…my name's Jesus" they gasped.

"You're late, shouldn't you have turned up at the beginning of this shitstorm?" Essie whispered drily and he smiled.

"Are you one of them?" he gasped.

"No…are you?" she asked, still kneeling on his chest.

"No…please get off my chest." he wheezed and Essie sat up but still had the knife to his throat.

"So Jesus…why the fuck are you sneaking around here in the dark?"

"Why are you?" he asked, his eyes huge in the dim light and Essie had to admire his balls.

"I'm escaping…don't make me ask you again."

"I'm rescuing someone"

"Who?"

"Someone from a…the group I belong to" he looked down at the knife but Essie didn't move it.

"Does this person have a name?" Jesus paused and seemed reluctant to answer.

"Ok…we've only just met…I understand you not wanting to tell me. The cells are at the bottom of a set of stairs, if you go right out of this door and just keep turning right, you'll get to them. The guards make rounds about every 15 minutes but they can be late. I'm Essie by the way."

"You could come with me?" Jesus said but Essie shook her head.

"There's a few things I want to do first." She removed the knife and stood up, holding a hand out to Jesus who hauled himself up and put his hat back on. They heard footsteps and 3 voices in the corridor and went flat against the wall. The door creaked open and let more light in. A saviour entered and took about 5 seconds to see them.

"What the hell?" he shouted, Essie slashed with the knife and cut his throat to the bone but it was too late. The other 2 burst in and fired at Essie and Jesus. They dived in different directions. Jesus rolled to his feet and kicked the gun out of one saviour's hands. Essie jumped up and came face to face with a pistol, she grabbed and twisted it up before the saviour could fire, he pulled the trigger but it fired into the ceiling. Still holding the gun, Essie quickly bent back the saviour's hand and he punched himself in the face. He dropped the gun and Essie kicked him in the chest, he bent over and Essie locked her arm around his throat and hung on for dear life. Jesus had punched the other Saviour unconscious. The saviour went limp and Essie let him drop to the floor. She picked up their guns and checked the corridor.

"Someone will've heard that, we need to go" she said.

"You're just going to leave them to turn?" Jesus asked and Essie nodded.

"There're children here" he said and she sighed. She slid the knife into the skulls of the two dead saviours and moved to the third one, unconscious on the floor.

"He's not dead" Jesus whispered quickly.

"So? They tried to kill us. One less of them is a good thing" and she stabbed the saviour's temple before Jesus could say anything else. She threw him the pistol and stuck her head out again.

"Got any matches?" she asked and Jesus threw her a half empty book with the logo of a long-gone restaurant on the front.

"Thanks. Good luck Jesus" and she disappeared into the shadows.

She got to the end of the corridor and heard shouts as the bodies were found. She hoped Jesus had got away, she had a feeling he could more than look after himself. She went left again and heard noises behind her. She slid through the first door that opened and closed it behind her. She turned to see 2 saviours, a man and a woman, presumably about to have sex. The man grabbed the gun from the shelf behind the woman and fired, the bullet grazed Essie's arm. She threw the knife before the man could fire again and, more from blind luck than skill, it thudded into the man's eye socket and he fell. The woman screamed and rushed at Essie who feinted to the right, caught the woman around the back of the neck and flung her into the breeze block wall. She landed with a thud and fell onto her back. Essie saw the blood pour from the split in her skull and the life leave her eyes. It had all happened so quickly. She heard shouting and people approaching so she quickly locked the door and turned off the light. She waited as the voices got nearer, trying to calm down her breathing and hoping like hell the bodies didn't turn. She saw the door handle twist and heard a voice shout that it was locked and then move off down the corridor.

Essie breathed out and looked around the room. It looked like a store room for clothes and blankets. Metal shelves were stacked from floor to ceiling, all neatly folded. She grabbed a pile of sheets and dumped them next to the man's body. Tearing a strip off one, she wrapped it around the graze. Jesus' words echoed in her head and she appreciated the irony of that thought. Pulling the knife from the eye socket, she stabbed it through his head and did the same with the woman, just in case. She wiped the blade clean and took out the book of matches. Unlocking the door first and checking the coast was clear, she lit one and held it to the corner of a sheet; after she was sure it had taken, she threw it onto the rest of the pile and closed the door behind her.

By the time the smoke began to fill the corridor, Essie was long gone.

She turned right and then left; this place was a rat run. She saw shadows on the wall at the end and ducked into a room. 3 saviours had another man against the wall and were using him like a punching bag. They stopped and stared as she entered. Without thinking she grabbed the revolver from her waistband and shot them one after the other with a precision she didn't know she had. The beaten man crouched on the ground with his arms over his head. She quickly locked the door and listened for people approaching.

"Don't kill me" the man begged from the floor, Essie seemed to notice him for the first time.

"Why were they beating you?" she asked with her ear against the door.

"I…I couldn't pay for food for me and my son" he stuttered.

"So you let them beat you?" Essie would never understand these people. Shouts came from outside the door and they tried to batter it down. A machine gun lay on the table, Essie grabbed it and checked the magazine was full. She looked around the room but there was no other exit. She rammed the butt of the gun on the opposite wall and it made a sizeable dent.

"What's on the other side?" she demanded.

"I…I think it leads to another room that has a fire exit…" the battering was getting louder and the hinges began to bend.

"Ok…I'm going to punch you out now so you can claim ignorance." Essie said matter-of-factly and knocked the man out. She then pointed the gun at the wall and fired repeatedly until there was a circle of bullet holes. The door was nearly broken behind her so she took a run at the wall, burst through, wrenched open the fire escape door that was miraculously unlocked and sped off through the yard.

She finally stopped in the shadow of a portakabin and tried to catch her breath. Looking back at the main building she was pleased to see smoke billowing from a first-floor window. She was sweating, thirsty, bleeding and running on adrenaline but she was free. She pushed herself up again, using the gun as a prop and walked slowly to the other side of the hut. She saw a row of motorbikes and a group of cars. The body of the fat guard who had nearly shit his pants at the sight of a bit of menstrual blood was lying on the gravel with very little head left. Rifling through his pockets, she found a packet of cigarettes and a set of car keys with an electric fob. She pressed it and saw the lights of the car at the end flash on and off.

Essie stepped on the gas and drove out of the gates. She wound the windows down and lit a cigarette with one of the matches Jesus had given her. She smiled as the black smoke plumed in her rear-view mirror.

**He'll come looking for you Cookie.**

Oh, I fucking hope he does, I really do.


	52. Chapter 52

**After a very long time I've returned to this story. I've re-watched season 7 over the past week and was inspired all over again. I've no idea if anyone's still interested but if you are...thanks for reading and please let me know what you think. Not much happens as I'm still trying to figure it all out again.**

Walk a straight line through the bend

Essie had no idea where she was or where she was heading. The car only had a quarter of a tank left. She'd floored it until she could no longer see the smoke and then kept going until she was certain no one could catch up.

Pulling up on the verge, she leant her head on the steering wheel fully aware that the adrenaline was wearing off. Essie took stock of what she had: a machine gun with less than half a clip, an empty revolver, a knife. She got out of the car, opened the back and smiled.

Everywhere you looked were saviours working desperately to put out the remnants of the fire as the clear up began. Negan stood over the body of Fat Joey, staring into the middle distance, oblivious to the managed chaos surrounding him. Numerous saviours were dead, a car and bike had been taken, a fire had nearly taken out the entire southern wing but all of that paled into insignificance next to the fact Essie had escaped and Daryl was gone. Negan wasn't used to losing, it was not sitting well with him at all. He knew Daryl would probably slink back to Alexandria, a problem easily solved. But Essie…goddamn it. He wondered if they'd escaped together but dismissed that idea, there was no link, just a coincidence.

"How'd she get out?" he asked Dwight.

"Looks like she broke the lock and made her way through to the south exit." Dwight thought it best to keep the explanation short and waited for Negan to respond.

"Call a session and bring me the guard who was meant to be on duty…stoke up the fire," and he walked away.

There were 3 guns, ammunition, bottles of water and food, at least enough for a couple of days, more if she was careful. She could disappear and think about her next move, she just needed time to plan.

The relief at seeing Daryl at Hilltop was something Rick'd never felt before. The strength they all had when they were together fanned the flames of hope Michonne had given him. They could do this.

They sat down to eat, all together for the first time since Glen and Abraham's death; it was different, sadder, quieter, but they were there and they were breathing. Rick filled them in on the most recent events in Alexandria including the death of Spencer and kidnapping of Eugene.

"Where's Essie?" asked Maggie, "did she stay in Alexandria?" Rick shook his head.

"We haven't seen her since all this began, she never came back from her scouting trip." Michonne said quietly, nobody looked at Daryl.

"Who's that?" asked Jesus suddenly.

"Another of our group…she said she'd be gone 10 days at most but no-one's seen her for a while." Tara said when none of the others seemed about to speak.

"What she look like?" Jesus asked and the others looked up from wherever their minds were.

"About my height, red hair." said Maggie.

"British? Kicks like a mule? Dangerous?" he asked and was surprised when everyone else started shouting questions at him.

"I met a woman called Essie when I was in the compound. She said she was escaping. Took out a couple of saviours without breaking a sweat." he answered.

"How long'd she been there?" asked Rick.

"I don't know, I was only with her for 5 minutes. She looked…thin…but it was dark. She had no problem taking me down." he looked at the faces round the table and couldn't understand what was happening. Daryl held his head so low it was impossible to tell what he was feeling.

"Did she make it out of there?" Michonne asked.

"I don't know. Like I said I was only with her for a few minutes."

Everyone looked startled when Daryl violently pushed his chair back and left.

"Who is she?" Jesus asked.

"Someone we need." Rosita said.

She'd been there, she'd been right there and he'd not even known. Again, he'd not been able to help her, save her. Daryl paced up and down by the portakabins. He'd thought about her when he was in that cell, when the memory of Abraham and Glen had become too much, when the guilt had threatened to overwhelm him. He'd imagined her out in the woods, free and safe; he'd thought about her sitting on her sofa, smoking a cigarette, arguing with Rick, glistening in the night. And all the time she'd been in that fucking place. Daryl knew, just like him, she wouldn't have knelt, she wouldn't have given in, but he also knew they were different. He'd retreated into himself, years of learned behaviour forced back into service but he knew Essie could never retreat; she'd have fought back with everything she had…But…but she'd made it out, Jesus said he'd seen her escaping. Where the fuck was she?

"Where the fuck is she?" raged Negan. Dwight kept his head down; they'd been out all day, driving the roads trying to find any sign of the woman who'd killed so many of their own, set fire to the compound and defied Negan at every turn. Even now Dwight wasn't sure if Negan would kill her when they got her back.

"Get the fuck back out there and bring her to me. Where the fuck is the bullet maker?" and he stalked off leaving Dwight to breathe a short-lived sigh of relief.

Essie drove as far as the car could take her and then rolled it into a small pond. Walking into the woods, she felt at home. When the sky began to darken, she made camp in a small clearing, feeling safe enough to light a fire. Her pack was heavy with the supplies from the car and her shoulder was hurting; she ached for a cigarette. The woods were quiet but not so quiet as to be a concern, it was as if she was the only one left in the whole world.

**You always said you wanted to be alone.**

I'm not sure that's true anymore. I feel…lonely.

**What are you going to do?**

I don't know. I just…don't know. I can't go home; Christ I don't even know if home's still there. I don't even know where I am or what direction to go.

**What do you want?**

I want to find some allies.

**Good choice sister.**

Thanks Lawrence.

Before first light, Essie headed west and deeper into the woods. The trees closed behind her as if she'd never been there. She had no idea how far she travelled in those first two days, carefully marking her way to ensure she wasn't going in circles. Walkers became few and far between the further in she went, animals and birds seemed even more startled than usual when she disturbed them. She felt the world was reverting back to a time before humans had arrived. She tried not to think about any of the others, she'd either see them again or she wouldn't; her only task right now was to find people to help get her what she needed. Nothing else mattered.

On the third day, she smelt wood smoke and walked a couple of miles to higher ground to see what she could see. However, the woods were too dense and so she headed downhill.

When Daryl found Carol, he couldn't bring himself to tell her about Glen or Abraham or anything else, he needed someone who didn't know, who still looked at him the same as before. There was little comfort in it but a little comfort was all he needed. He didn't know if he'd see her again and it didn't really matter; he was ready to fight and die with the others even if they were on their own. He walked through the gate and headed back to Hilltop the next morning.

Essie shaded her eyes against the sun but all she could see were the trees. She made her silent way, listening carefully for anything out of the ordinary. She'd stopped by a stream to refill her water bottle when she heard people approaching. Quickly disappearing between the trees, she watched as they approached. A woman and a younger man, both carrying weapons and wearing what looked like sports equipment as armour, stopped by the same stream, making enough noise to attract the attention of anything nearby. Essie waited for them to move on; surely, they'd heard the walkers approaching? When it was clear they hadn't, she dropped her pack and stepped in.

The man was filling a bottle in the stream, chatting with the woman about the bumper crop of pumpkins ripening. Neither heard the three walkers until it was too late; two went for the woman who fell but managed to get her arm up in time to keep them from biting; the man fell head first into the stream with another walker on his back, drowning him. Essie didn't think but quickly despatched that one and then hauled one of the two still trying to take a chunk out of the woman and stabbed up through the throat and threw it to one side, with this help the woman was able to take out the other walker. Essie held out her hand and helped the woman to her feet, the man scrabbled out of the stream choking and spluttering

"Thank you! Oh geez, thank you." the man said, grabbing her hand and shaking it.

"Are you ok?" asked Essie, pulling her hand back before she got repetitive strain injury. The woman seemed a bit more reserved and Essie was pleased to see her hand resting on the gun at her hip.

"Yeah I'm fine…thanks to you. I thought I was gonna drown. Thank you." he said, grinning.

"Who are you?" the woman eyed her suspiciously.

"Essie"

"Where'd you come from?" the woman demanded.

"I've been travelling through the woods since I got separated from my group a couple of weeks ago," lied Essie, easily. She'd decided she wanted to see what these people had to offer, if they had a big enough camp she might be able to persuade them to help, if they were useless or dangerous she could deal with them and move on, "I ran out of water and was just filling my bottle when I heard you approach. I'm running pretty low on food too."

"Is it just you?" asked the woman and Essie nodded.

"You got anything else on you?"

"Just my knife and a semi-automatic with about half a magazine left," Essie replied and hoped they didn't do a cursory search of the surrounding area and find her pack with the guns and ammunition from the car, they didn't.

"You'd better come back with us," the woman said, "thanks for the help," she added and Essie nodded.

She followed the two innocents about half a mile downhill until they came to a corrugated iron wall. Essie could hear the sound of a large settlement; people talking, laughing, even children. The man knocked on the gate and waited, turning to Essie and giving her a grin. Inwardly she shook her head at their naivety, even if the woman still had her hand on her gun they'd lead a complete stranger to the backdoor of their home, they'd not hidden the route or blindfolded her or even patted her down to see if she was telling the truth.

The gate opened and she walked through into a town with buildings, crops, men, women, children; there was an archery range where a girl with a prosthetic leg practiced with a bow, a large group of adults ran passed in a training formation, there even looked to be a school in the wooden gazebo.

"We're taking you to see the king," said the man and beckoned Essie to follow him. Essie, on high alert, registered the word 'king' but didn't ask. She'd just escaped from a group led by a man who'd named his baseball bat, calling yourself 'king' seemed almost normal. Her finely tuned senses were in overdrive, she memorised the route from the door but she wasn't getting the tingling feeling in her fingers that suggested something was off about this place…yet.

"Wait here," the woman said and went into a large building that looked for all the world like a theatre, the man stayed with her.

"Oh my, I didn't introduce myself," he said suddenly, "I'm Connor," and he gave a small bow. Essie worked hard to keep her face impassive.

"So…Connor…is there anything I should know about the king before I meet him?" she asked, carefully watching his reaction for anything guarded.

"No, but it might be good to know he's got a…" but before Connor could finish the woman returned.

"The king will receive you now," she said and ushered Essie into the darkened doorway.

She followed the woman into a theatre and was mildly gratified at her correct guess. What she saw next was something quite different.

It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the different lighting. She first saw the stage with the painted flats depicting a fairytale castle, then she saw a huge guy standing to one side with what looked like a double-headed axe and wearing a stage version of a medieval doublet. Then her eyes were drawn centre stage where, on a slightly raised platform and sitting on a large wooden throne, was a man with silver dreads holding a wooden staff in one hand and a chain in the other. At the end of the chain was a fully-grown tiger.


	53. Chapter 53

**Not much happens, just trying to get Essie caught up with everything that's happened. Thank you for sticking with this story and please let me know what you think if you can.**

Walk a straight line through the bend.

For the first time in a very, very long time Essie was lost for words. She just stared, open mouthed, as the tiger yawned and stretched and began to lick its front paw. The man in the wooden throne, the large man stage left, the woman behind her, all of them were entirely unmoved by the fact there was a tiger on stage. A tiger.

"I believe our brave warrior is a little lost for words," said the king, looking around at the others.

"You are right sire, but Shiva takes everyone that way at first, said the large man with a winning grin.

"You are a kind and wise steward Jerry, we will give her a moment to adjust."

Essie still hadn't moved from her spot, she stared at the tiger who had moved on to cleaning its whiskers. The woman gave her a gentle prod and Essie walked closer to the stage.

"Welcome Essie the Brave, welcome to the kingdom, I am King Ezekiel," he said in a rich, convivial voice.

She had to think quickly; he could be insane but there were a lot of people in this kingdom to be following a mad man. So then, he wasn't mad...Essie watched him watching her. No, he was as far from madness as she was; this man was clever, very clever. What people wanted most in this new world was someone to follow, someone to tell them what to do, someone who promised to make it all alright, someone to be a father and allow them to be children; and who could do that better than a benevolent King…with his own tiger? Oh yes, King Ezekiel was very clever indeed. More than that however, something about his persona appealed to Essie; she'd been a scholar of English Literature, a canon littered with kings defeating evil, good conquering bad, dragons being slayed and her soul was not without romance. She made a decision and gave an almost perfect curtsey.

"My liege, I am honoured to be in your presence, you are every inch a king." Essie raised her head slightly and caught Ezekiel's eye, he acknowledged the King Lear quote and she thought he knew what she meant, she'd have to wait and see.

"We are grateful to you for saving our people, Connor and Hannah. Will you sup with us tonight?"

Still bowing, Essie replied, "It would be a privilege to sit at your table," hoping she wasn't laying it on too thick.

"Then rise Essie the Brave and know that you are a welcome guest. Hannah will show you to your room," and again Essie caught Ezekiel's knowing look. Shiva's chain clinked as she raised her head and, just for a moment, looked straight into Essie's eyes.

Once inside the small but comfortable room, Essie sat on the bed and replayed what had happened. After weeks of captivity with Negan, knowing Daryl had been in the same building, learning about the deaths of Glen and Abraham, not knowing if Alexandria was still standing or who was left, the escape, the isolation of the woods and now finding a whole new group lead by a king with a tiger, she was feeling a little overwhelmed. Kicking off her boots, she lay back and stared at the ceiling; she had no idea if this group were good or bad or somewhere in between and in that quiet moment, she didn't really care.

It was dusk when Essie woke, she hadn't even realised she'd fallen asleep. Opening the blinds, she saw the town was quiet, people were getting ready to eat. She slipped through her door and went to see what she could find.

Whatever this town had to hide clearly wouldn't be in plain sight so she started at the theatre and worked her way out. A few people were going about their business, entirely unaware of Essie in the shadows. She got to the archery range and then to the buildings behind it without seeing anything suspicious. She saw a fire door padlocked shut with a warning sign, if she was going to find anything it would be in a locked room with a warning notice.

It was dark inside the corridor and there was a strange ammonia type smell. Silently, Essie padded down towards the only door. She opened it as quietly as she could and walked through.

"I hear we have a visitor." Morgan said, joining Ezekiel.

"We do and she is very interesting." he replied.

"Where did she come from?" Morgan asked.

"Hannah and Connor were outside the walls and she leant them her assistance. She is more than she seems although I believe she's hidden it very well even with her British accent."

"What?" said Morgan quickly.

"She is hiding something," Ezekiel said, surprised by Morgan's reaction. He was even more surprised when Morgan grabbed him.

"What accent did you say she has?" he demanded.

"British," Ezekiel said slowly.

"Shit," said Morgan and bolted for the door, "put extra guards on the armoury!" he added.

"Oh shit," whispered Essie as Shiva shifted inside the cage and turned to face her.

Morgan sprinted through the town, shouting to anyone if they'd seen a woman with red hair. Ezekiel had followed him with Jerry in tow. They searched the gardens, the central area, anywhere that wasn't locked up.

"There!" Ezekiel pointed to the open fire door and they ran through.

Morgan pushed open the door to Shiva's cage and stopped almost causing Ezekiel to run into the back of him. Essie, sitting on the floor with her back to the cage with the tiger lying next to her, its head between it paws, apparently sleeping, looked up and saw who it was and smiled. Shiva also raised her head, deemed the situation uninteresting and lay back down with a sigh.

"It's you," whispered Morgan.

"It is," answered Essie, "it's good to see you again Morgan."

Ezekiel decreed Essie should be put under armed guard in her room until he had spoken to Morgan, he'd been terribly chivalrous and she understood his reasons.

"Tell me about this woman," said Ezekiel, settling back into his chair and Morgan took a deep breath.

It took over an hour for Morgan, in a very measured way, to tell Ezekiel all he knew about Essie. Ezekiel asked lots of questions Morgan didn't know the answer to and lots where his answers elicited shock or awe or pathos. When they were finished, Morgan requested to speak to Essie alone and Ezekiel agreed.

She was lying on the bed when he walked in.

"So how did Ezekiel react to my story?" she asked without any other introductions.

"Oh about as well anyone would; he'll want to speak to you," and Essie nodded, "where've you been?"

"I got taken whilst out on a run. It turns out by the same bastard who killed Glenn and Abraham…" and she stared at Morgan.

"You know about that?" he asked.

"I do. I killed as many of them as I could when I got out but I missed the main man; he's next though and he'll die slowly," she said, almost to herself.

"There's a different way," Morgan said, kneeling in front of her, "Rick tried to work with him, find things to give him so he'd leave us in peace. You don't have to kill him, you don't have to kill anyone." Essie looked into his eyes and he felt the full force of her.

"There is no peace with Negan, there is no working with him, there is no stopping him. You put him down or he will not give up," she said.

Morgan didn't reply, he remained kneeling and staring up at her, she met his gaze with a steady stare, unrelenting just like her.

"Carol's here," he said eventually.

"Why?" she demanded.

"She…she wanted to leave Alexandria. She didn't want to lose anyone else and she didn't want to kill anymore," he said.

Essie sighed, "That was you, wasn't it? You got inside her head with your ridiculous bullshit, didn't you? You broke Carol. And now we're standing naked in front of a man with an army and NO self-control without a woman who knows her shit better than I do. Why? Because you still don't get it. Does she know about Glen and Abraham?"

Morgan shook his head.

"For fuck's sake," Essie ran her hands through her hair.

"I didn't wanna tell her. I didn't wanna make her go back to what she was." Morgan said.

"That's who she is!" Essie snapped, "she might not like it, she might not've wanted it but tough shit. It might be that Negan is the last challenge we face and then we can go back to who we want to be but I doubt it. We are alive because of people like Carol…others are dead because of people like you." Morgan fell back as she'd slapped him but she continued.

"I know what happened to you, I know you…went somewhere for a while and someone brought you back, convinced you not to kill indiscriminately but this isn't indiscriminate, this is survival; learn the difference."

Morgan sat back on his heels.

"Where is she?" Essie demanded.

Out a ways, beyond the wall. She chose a house…by a graveyard."

"Are you kidding me? Well…the woman does symbolic very well, I'll give her that." Essie stood up.

"King Ezekiel wants to see you." Morgan said quickly.

"What's with him? Do you trust him?" Essie asked.

"I do." Morgan replied.

"Ok," said Essie, "if you trust him, that's good enough for me," and Morgan nodded.

Morgan walked with her to a garden behind the theatre.

"You know I've only seen Shiva take to someone so quickly with Daryl," he said, breaking the silence.

"Daryl's alive?" asked Essie, grabbing his arm.

"Yeah, he was here a couple of days ago. He got away from Negan and made it back to Hilltop with Jesus. He found out about Carol, went to see her and then left to join the others back there."

"What? He was here? What the fuck is Hilltop? Was he ok? Who else have you seen? What the fuck?" Essie was virtually dancing around and Morgan couldn't help but smile; it was moments like this where he caught flashes of her other side.

"Calm down. He was fine; the others are fine the last time I saw them. Rick's gonna try and go up against Negan soon. Maggie and Sasha are at Hilltop, Rick and Daryl made contact with Jesus who introduced them to Hilltop, another one of Negan's towns like here. Daryl wanted me to convince Ezekiel to join with Alexandria…I haven't talked with him yet." Morgan ushered her through into a garden lit with candles before she could ask any more questions and she saw Ezekiel sitting on a bench.

"Ah Essie the Brave, you are very welcome," and he indicated she should sit.

"My Lord," she said and bowed. Ezekiel smiled.

"You know, I think we can stop this just for a moment," he said.

"Ok" replied Essie, "I thought I'd let you make that decision."

"Morgan said you were clever." Ezekiel watched her and saw the sun come out as she returned his smile.

"I like it though. I really like it. So, Morgan told you my story, what's yours?" and Ezekiel told Essie his story just like he'd done with Carol.

"That is quite a tale," she said when he finished and he bowed, "what made you decide to trust me with it?"

"When I saw Shiva trusted you, she's an excellent judge of character," he said.

"Dinner is served." Jerry said, coming into the garden.

"Ah, a feast for the eyes and stomach," Ezekiel said, slipping back into his character easily. He held out his arm and Essie took it.

"Hope you're hungry," Jerry said to Essie.

"Always," she replied and was rewarded with a Jerry smile.

She slept very well that night, with a full stomach and a renewed sense of hope.

Picking her way through the tall grass surrounding the gravestones, she looked at the house with peeling paint and curtained windows. The door opened and Carol stood there.

"Have you got a cigarette?" Essie asked.

"No," Carol replied, "those things'll kill you."

Essie waited, shifting from one foot to the other. After about 5 years, Carol relented.

"You better come in…but wipe your feet," and she disappeared inside. Essie took a deep breath and followed.


	54. Chapter 54

**So this is more of a prelude to the big battle, hence the fact it's shorter than normal. Please let me know what you think if you can and thank you for the kind messages since I picked up this story again.**

Essie looked around the small living room as Carol stood by the fireplace, staring at her.

"It's nice," Essie said, a little lamely.

"When did you get back?" Carol asked.

"I arrived here two days ago…after spending time with the Saviours..." Essie replied.

"Did they take you at Alexandria? Daryl didn't say."

Essie shook her head, "No, when I was out on the run…before you left." Carol looked away but didn't speak so Essie continued.

"I was there for about a month, in a cell. Negan, their leader, he's dangerous…more dangerous than Luka or Delilah or any of the others you've come across before. He's not mad or weak and he's got an army!"

"I'm not going back…I can't." said Carol.

"No, you won't go back, there's a difference. And under any other circumstances, I'd give you the time to change your mind, just like I was given…but these aren't normal circumstances," Essie paused and watched Carol, knowing she had to do what was coming next but hating herself.

"So," she continued, "I'm going to break your world…Glen and Abraham are dead. Negan killed them…to make a point. He beat their heads in with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire in front of Maggie and Sasha and Rosita and everyone else," she watched as the tears rolled down Carol's face but carried on anyway, "Alexandria is under his control until we fight back…but we need help…from Hilltop and The Kingdom…we can't do it on our own…I can't do it on my own…I don't think anyone can really do what needs to be done…expect me…and you. You need to convince Ezekiel to join us in fighting back in Alexandria."

"I don't want to kill anymore," Carol said, wiping away the tears that continued to fall.

"Nobody wants to kill. I don't want to…I want to sit on my porch and read…but people like you and me haven't got a choice. We're the strong ones, we survived…and now we have to do what others can't. We don't have the luxury of walking away…that's the price we pay. We've both been vilified for making the tough choices that no one else could but…maybe if we'd done more, others would be alive…and I can guarantee others would be dead if we hadn't. This one…with the Saviours, with Negan…it's going to be bad…I've talked with him…he…tested me…"

"Did he hurt you?" Carol asked sharply.

"Only in the usual way…nothing I couldn't deal with but…he's clever and he's powerful…" Essie ran her hands through her hair and sighed; Carol moved to the dresser and opened a drawer, then threw Essie half a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Essie caught them and nearly burst into tears but instead drew one out, put it between her lips, flicked the lighter and felt the first crackle of smoke.

"Look I know you want peace…to be left alone…but that's not going to happen whilst I'm around. Morgan is right up until the point where he's wrong and this is that point…Stand with me…please?"

Negan was angry, angrier than he'd been in a long time. Teaching the guard a terminal lesson hadn't helped, his wives hadn't helped especially now Sherry had gone as well. He was losing his grip on things.

"Goddamit Pippi, where the fuck are you?" he muttered.

Eugene approached him.

"What?" Negan snapped, he jumped and cowered.

"I wanted to report on the continued viability of the metallurgical procedure in relation to Walker preservation." Eugene muttered.

"Ok professor, ok," Negan replied and Eugene went to walk away but Negan stopped him.

"You ever had a woman get under your mullet?" Negan asked.

"No sir," he replied.

"Well it's been a long time since I allowed one to get under my skin, but damn if it didn't happen when I wasn't looking."

"You're Negan…can't you just…" Eugene was unsure how to finish.

"My stupid as horseshit guard let her get away and there's no trace of her…goddamit…I don't know what it was about her…she was a grade A bitch and I know she'd have killed me the first fucking chance she got but with the British accent, the red hair and those long legs…I might just have let her think she had a chance if it meant she'd stuck around…" Negan had forgotten Eugene was there until he spoke.

"Are you talking about Essie?" he asked and felt a shot of fear as Negan grabbed him by the shoulder and squeezed, hard.

"What the fuck do you know about Essie?" he whispered.

"She's from Alexandria…she arrived soon after we did. She's as tough as a gator's hide and twice as deadly." Eugene spoke at speed as Negan continued his death grip.

"She's from Alexandria? She lied to me. She lied to me and I fucking bought it. Did she know Daryl?" Negan asked.

"Yes sir. I don't want to speculate on the nature of their relationship but I believe it was on the side of intimate."

"Well fuck," Negan said flatly, "Daryl and Pippi…two of my newest recruits and my current favourites. Is she back in Alexandria?" He finally released Eugene

"No sir, not that I'm aware." he replied with a sigh of relief.

"You wouldn't be lying to me now, would you?" and Eugene shook his head vigorously.

"Ok," Negan watched as the mullet scurried away, "well Pippi, looks like I'll be seeing you real soon."

Essie watched as Carol talked to Ezekiel and lit another cigarette. Even with all of the thoughts of the forthcoming battle and seeing the others, Essie couldn't help but notice the look Ezekiel gave Carol which she stored for later.

"Hey Essie," Jerry said, coming and standing by her.

"Hey Jerry," she replied, "how's it going?"

"Excellent thank you. How're you?"

"I'm good."

"Are you sure, because you look sad?" Jerry searched her face.

"You know I think I am a little sad. I feel…homesick."

"For England?" he asked and she laughed.

"No, for home. It's been a long time since I was there and things have changed but I miss it…I miss my friends…I miss my family…" Essie sighed and took a long drag of her cigarette.

"Are you worried about seeing them again?"

"I am…one person in particular actually."

"Your…?" Jerry wasn't quite sure how to finish the sentence.

"Yes, my…" and she smiled, "I want to see him but at the same time I don't…fuck's sake."

"Sounds like love to me…when you don't know if you wanna puke or dance through the streets." Jerry said and Essie rewarded him with a loud and throaty laugh.

Carol walked over to them and Jerry gave Essie a bow and went.

"Ezekiel…The Kingdom…will join us," she said and Essie felt a little of the weight lift from her shoulders.

"So now all we need is Hilltop and we might be in with a fighting chance." Essie said.

"What's your plan?" Carol asked.

"We get as many weapons and people as possible and go to Alexandria. Rick will have a plan and if he doesn't then you and me'll make one."

"It seems a little…vague…" Carol looked concerned.

"Says the woman who took down an entire group with a rifle and a firework." Essie replied and a smile ghosted over Carol's lips.

"So, you and me will go to Hilltop, Ezekiel can meet us there and then we go to Alexandria."

"It's as easy as that?" Carol said and Essie nodded.

Daryl walked through the gates of Alexandria and saw Rick. Even though he knew what was coming, it felt good to be back.

The two women had walked for a day heading to Hilltop, they'd not taken a car and stuck as much as possible to the woods. They'd mostly walked in silence but it'd been a companionable one.

"What'd he do to you…Negan?" Carol asked, out of the blue.

"Mostly kept me in a cell. I tried to escape a couple of times and then I got very sick and was in their infirmary. I nearly died…again." Essie said dismissively.

"How'd you survive? I know you Cookie and you're not the type to make things easy for yourself," and Essie laughed.

"Well actually…you told me what to do," she replied and carried on when Carol looked at her, "I was all set to go out in a blaze of glory, taking as many as I could with me but…you told me to play the game, lure him into a false sense of security, learn as much as I could."

"I told you to do that?" Carol asked.

"You did and it was very good advice until I couldn't stand it anymore…he even kissed me at one point and said he was going to make me his wife…"

"What did you do when he kissed you?"

"I bit him until he bled." Essie replied.

"That's my girl," said Carol and they walked on in silence.

Maggie was on watch when she saw two people approaching from a distance. As they got closer, she realised who they were and yelled for the gates to be opened.

After the shouting, hugging and crying was over, after they'd visited the graves and after Essie had been stopped from punching Gregory in the throat it was time to get down to business. Maggie, Carol, Essie, Enid and Jesus sat down and began to make a plan.


	55. Chapter 55

**So I've finally caught up with the show...I genuinely don't know what I'll do with myself until October, it's so far away. Thank you for sticking with this story and, as usual, please let me know what you think if you can, it's always much appreciated.**

After the shouting, hugging and crying was over, after they'd visited the graves and after Essie had caught up with Jesus it was time to get down to business. Maggie, Carol, Essie, Enid and Jesus sat down and began to catch up.

It was dark by the time they'd got through their stories and Jesus had agreed to go to Alexandria.

He returned in the morning with news. Negan had Sasha, it appeared Dwight had turned against Negan, Rick wanted them to remain at Hilltop thinking it was a safe place not knowing that Gregory was gone.

"It's all about to happen," said Jesus to the assembled group in Gregory's old office that was now clearly Maggie's.

"You're thinking of leading Hilltop into the fight aren't you?" asked Enid.

"I am," said Maggie, "they're gonna need help even with the Scavengers."

"I don't like the sound of them," commented Essie and Jesus nodded.

"You're going to need to make this decision quickly." Jesus said and smiled.

"We'll do it," said Maggie quietly, looking down at Judith. Essie let go of the breath she didn't know she'd been holding.

Essie walked outside to smoke a cigarette.

"That's where Daryl was about 3 days ago," said Maggie, coming to join her.

"We were both at the Saviours' compound at the same time, I even saw him once," Essie said.

"How come you didn't escape with him?" Maggie asked.

"I've been avoiding asking myself that question," she replied, not looking at Maggie, "I don't know is the short answer."

"What's the long answer? You know he'd have got himself killed trying to get to you?" Maggie stared at Essie.

"I know. I thought I was playing the long game, waiting for my chance to take Negan out and I thought if I tried to get to Daryl and didn't make it then Negan would have leverage against me."

"You think you're that important?" Maggie said softly and Essie remembered that this woman who'd lost so much but was still compassionate could bite…hard.

"I did at the time. Now I realise I was wrong."

"He went through hell in there just like, I'm sure, you did…but his was worse. He blames himself for Glen's death," Maggie said and Essie gave her a quizzical look.

"We were trying to get to Hilltop, I thought I was losing the baby and there's an ultrasound here. We were all captured by the Saviours and then he bought Glen and Daryl out. He killed Abraham and warned that if anyone else made a move, he'd kill someone else. Daryl tried to fight him and Negan …killed Glen as a punishment." Maggie said this in a level tone.

"Fuck," Essie whispered and her heart broke.

"So, when you left him there, you left him alone with the guilt of Glen's death," Essie felt Maggie's sting again.

"I…I didn't know any of that. I thought he'd got taken in Alexandria." Essie whispered.

"It shouldn't have mattered." Maggie said.

"You're right. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would do it differently but…I did what I did and I'll have to live with that, just like the hundred other things I have to live with." Essie reached into her pocket to get another cigarette but stopped.

"Wait…what baby?" she asked.

"I'm pregnant." Maggie said.

"What?" Essie's eyes went huge with shock.

"I'm pregnant," Maggie repeated.

"Holy fucking shit! That's…that's wonderful," gasped Essie and then remembered what had happened to her and stopped grinning.

"Oh shit…oh God…oh Maggie, I'm so sorry…but I'm so happy for you…fuck, I have no idea how to react appropriately…" she finished weakly.

"It's ok," smiled Maggie, "you can be happy for me; I'm happy, Glen was happy…it's ok."

"Is…is everything ok?" Essie asked, waving her hand vaguely in the direction of Maggie's uterus.

"Yeah it is now," Maggie replied, smiling again.

"So that's why Jesus was asking if you were sure you wanted to go to Alexandria." Essie said and Maggie nodded.

"Aren't you going to try and persuade me to stay behind?" Maggie asked after a pause.

"No," Essie replied, "who am I to tell you what to do, you know yourself better than I do and anyway, women in Sparta trained with men for the first 5 months of their pregnancy."

"Make it right with Daryl…he loves you," Maggie said and saw Essie's petrified face, "and stop being such a child about things."

"You're a mean pregnant lady," said Essie and Maggie nodded again.

Ezekiel and the others from The Kingdom arrived at dawn, Morgan was with them. He nodded to Essie and Carol. Essie barely noticed anything as she was too enthralled by Shiva.

"I can't believe you brought her," she said to Ezekiel.

"Where I go, she goes," he replied, "would you like to stroke her?"

"Really?" asked Essie.

"I wouldn't normally suggest it this early on but I think, perhaps, she will allow it with you." Ezekiel replied and watched as Essie stretched out a tentative hand and rubbed the tiger's head. Shiva pushed into her hand.

"Mother of God, I'm actually stroking a tiger!" Essie marvelled as Shiva licked her hand and manoeuvred so her ears were being stroked.

"She likes you very much," Ezekiel said and smiled.

"I can die happy." Essie murmured.

"You think you'll die in this battle?" he asked, the kingly pretence dropping for a moment.

"Nothing is certain," Essie replied.

Everyone was assembled outside the big house.

"So, I'll go first and signal when it's time." Essie said and the others nodded, Maggie handed her a flare gun.

"You're going after Negan," stated Carol as they headed towards the horses from The Kingdom.

"You know I am," Essie replied.

"Just don't get anyone else killed ok?" and Essie nodded.

"Go get him tiger," Carol said and Essie saluted as she swung herself onto the horse and went through the gate.

It had been many years since Essie had ridden a horse but she found it relatively easy to get the feel of it again. She galloped through the woods just enjoying the sensation for a moment.

Approaching Alexandria, she slowed the horse and loosely tethered it to a tree, knowing the others would be along any moment to collect him. She silently picked her way through the woods she knew so well surrounding Alexandria. She didn't question herself, she didn't bother asking herself if she was strong enough or brave enough, she already knew she was. She was the fire that was going to engulf Negan and burn him off the face of the earth.

She climbed a tree to get a view of Alexandria. She saw Rick on the wall with another woman, Alexandrians and people who she presumed were the Scavengers lined up behind the barricade. Rosita was by the gate with Daryl.

Essie felt her stomach twist as she caught sight of him but squashed it down, she didn't have the luxury of that kind of feeling.

She saw a truck approaching and Eugene exited.

It was when he called himself Negan that Essie knew he'd become a turncoat. She couldn't say she was surprised but she was so disappointed.

She was as equally unsurprised when the woman on the wall turned her gun on Rick. Other trucks arrived and Negan got out. She knew he'd take this opportunity to give one of his speeches so she climbed down and made her way to the east of the town whilst all attention was diverted; she'd wait for her moment.

She didn't see Sasha come out of the coffin but she heard the gunfire start. Essie knew the Hilltop and Kingdom groups weren't in position yet and she couldn't go into Alexandria and reveal herself; those were the longest minutes of her life.

She saw Daryl, Carl and the others by the barricade vehicles and then she saw the Scavenger woman kick Rick off the wall. It looked like Alexandria was losing before it had even begun.

Carl was grabbed and taken to the grassy area where Rick joined the circle of Saviours and Scavengers. Negan arrived with Lucille resting casually on his shoulder. Essie couldn't hear what he was saying but she knew what was about to happen.

She felt the arrival of the others rather than hearing them and shot the flare just as Negan stood up and moved behind Carl. She didn't wait to see what Carol and Maggie did…she had her own plan.

She was overtaken by Shiva and heard Ezekiel's battle cry but her eyes were following Negan as he ran from the tiger. The gunfire echoed around her but she paid it no heed; she was impervious to bullets, she had her mission. Her hair had come down and fell like a rain of fire.

She saw Rick look around and realise what was happening as Maggie yelled her orders to the Hilltop people; Daryl was by Maggie's side firing at anything that moved but still Essie didn't stop.

She saw Negan take cover behind a car. All around were people, horses, gunfire, screaming and yelling…it faded like smoke. She'd seen him. Unholstering her gun, she slowed to a walk, she wanted him to see her coming.

"It's a goddamn tiger!" yelled Negan and then stopped, he'd seen Essie.

Walking through the chaos, hair flying, she almost seemed in slow motion. Anytime anyone aimed at her, she seemed to know before they fired and took them out without looking. Negan had been in a state of surprise since Sasha came out of the coffin but felt he'd gained the upper hand again; then the gunfire had started but he still knew he outmanned them…until he saw her.

Their eyes met and Essie smiled…ice trickled down Negan's spine and he felt fear for the first time in years.

He collected himself enough to start firing back but soon ran out of bullets. Seeing Maggie, he ordered them to fire at her and began to run but Essie pointed and Shiva took out the shooter before he could hit Maggie.

Still she walked through the mayhem, as untouchable and unstoppable as Judgement Day.

Rick began firing as Carol and Ezekiel held the rear. He saw Essie, like a walking target, heading straight for Negan, he'd no idea she was still alive but the sight of her sent a shock wave of hope through him. He saw Morgan take out a Saviour and knew this fight was winnable.

Daryl, firing continually, crossed the street to a grassy area. Then he saw her, blazing like a lighthouse, focussed, dangerous and alive. He continued firing, giving Essie cover. He knew what she wanted to do and he was going to make it possible for her.

Negan threw himself behind another car, looking desperately for a way out. He took a quick look up the street and what he saw froze his blood.

Essie emptied the semi-automatic's clip and took a machine gun from a fallen Scavenger without breaking her stride. She momentarily lost sight of Negan, so climbed onto the roof of a car and scanned the area, oblivious to her surroundings.

Negan saw her, looking for him, on the roof of the car. The machine gun resting easily in her hand, a knife in the other, still with the smile on her face. He'd seriously misjudged her from the very beginning and now she was coming for him but God fucking dammit if she still wasn't the most interesting thing he'd ever seen.

Essie met his eye again and winked at him. Jumping down from the roof, a Scavenger was stupid enough to try and get to her; she opened their stomach with her knife without ever breaking eye contact.

Negan scrabbled to his feet and ran. Snatching a quick glance behind him, he saw she'd also broken into a run and she was gaining on him.

"Fucking kill her!" he shouted at the Saviours who began firing at Essie, but Carl and the preacher were there to give her cover. Still she came at him.

Negan grabbed a gun from a body on the ground and fired behind him but none of them hit Essie.

"…woman's a fucking witch…" he gasped as he ran until he felt something heavy land on his back, knocking him to the ground. For a moment, he thought it was the tiger but then realised it was Essie.

She leapt and brought Negan down. Twisting his arm up his back, he dropped the gun; she kicked it and Lucille away and turned him over in one move. Straddling him with her legs, hair curtaining them both, she leant down.

"By the time I'm finished with you, no-one will even remember your name," she whispered and hauled him to his knees.

"Don't…" Negan said, "…please…"

"You're on your knees…begging…didn't I tell you this would happen?" she said and Negan's eyes went wide.

"Fuck Pippi…we could've had so much fun," he said, smiling. Essie span the knife round until it was resting on his Adam's apple.

"Ssshhhh…no-one's listening," and she pressed hard enough for a slice of blood to appear.

Essie was stupid again. Too much talking had always made her so angry, she subscribed to the 'just kill them' school of combat but she'd wasted time. She was also not paying close enough attention to what was going on around her. She missed Simon picking up Lucille and swinging.

She felt it hit her hard, knocking her into the wall. Negan leapt to his feet and grabbed Lucille.

"Finish her!" yelled Simon, aiming his gun, but Negan paused.

"Not today," he said as Essie forced herself upright.

"There's only today," she gasped and struggled to her feet, knife still in hand, blood darkening her shirt.

"Oh shit, let's go," said Negan and he and Simon hightailed it away.

Using the car as a prop, Essie began to follow them but felt her legs giving way. Nevertheless, she persisted…she'd crawl if she had to.

The battle was nearly over. The Scavengers lit smoke bombs and made their escape once they saw which way it was going. Alexandria, Hilltop and The Kingdom gave chase, killing as many as they could.

Negan made it to a truck and gunned it through the gate, giving Alexandria the finger. It turned out there would be a tomorrow after all.

Essie got to her feet by sheer will and began to move towards the gate, following. Out of the smoke, a group emerged and she faced them. Then she saw Jerry, Morgan, Carol, Aaron…and Daryl.

"There!" she yelled and pointed to the gate that was pulling shut. Daryl nodded and shouted for them to follow; he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her along with him. Scavengers began firing from the other side and they scattered. Aaron, Morgan and Jerry made it to the gate but couldn't open it. Essie staggered to the dumper truck next to it and tried to haul herself up but Daryl pushed her to the side and climbed up. The road was empty of everyone.

"No!" screamed Essie and pulled herself over to the gate but couldn't move it any more than the others could. She leant against the metal and screamed into the blue.

"Hey! Stop that, you'll hurt yourself even more," said Jerry pulling hair away from her face, "we'll get him next time," and gave her a smile. She smiled back and slid to the floor.

Daryl climbed down and ran over to her.

"You good?" he demanded, kneeling beside her. Essie looked down at her side.

"I think I ruined another shirt," she said and he gave a laugh.

"We found each other again," he rumbled.

"Every time," she replied and put her arm round his shoulder as he helped her up.

They walked through the town. Everywhere, Alexandria and Hilltop and The Kingdom were working together. Essie leant on Daryl and felt safe. Maggie and Carol ran up to them.

"Did you get him?" she asked and Essie shook her head.

"There's always tomorrow," she murmured and Maggie nodded.

"Get her to the infirmary," ordered Carol.

"Yes ma'am," Daryl replied.

He guided her through the door and saw Rick sitting next Michonne who looked even worse than Essie. Rosita was lying in the next bed, unconscious, with Tara by her side.

"You're back," Rick said, seeing Essie.

"I am. How's Michonne?" she asked.

"She'll be ok," he said, stroking Michonne's forehead. Essie couldn't help but feel triumphant that she'd been right about those two.

"We're a little short of medical help at the moment," Tara said.

"It's ok, I can sort myself out," Essie replied.

"I got her," said Daryl and lead her through to the surgery room.

"Sit there," he ordered, pointing at the table. He collected bandages, antiseptic and scissors. She tried to reach round to take of her shirt but he removed her hand and gently rolled it up himself.

"Don't look too bad, lots of blood but nothin' serious, gonna hurt though," he said.

"I can take it," she replied and he cut off her shirt.

"I know," he said and began to wipe away the blood.

It did hurt but not as much as Essie's heart. She was silent until she couldn't take it anymore.

"I was in Negan's compound when you were there…I even saw you once…I was going to come and get you but…I…I tried to play him…learn what I could…then I couldn't take it anymore…I got out…I left you behind…I'm sorry…" for the first time in a long time, tears rolled down Essie's face. He looked up and wiped them away.

"I know…Jesus told me you were there…that he saw you when you were leavin'…you did what you had to do," he rumbled and went back to patching her up.

"So did you…" she said and he stopped, not looking at her, "I would've done exactly the same thing…" she added; he kept his head down but nodded.

"We live with what we do, we don't die from it," Essie whispered with her head bent to his; he lifted his eyes to her and blue met brown and she kissed him.

"In one kiss, you'll know all I haven't said," she whispered and they walked a straight line through the bend together.


	56. Chapter 56

**This is more an off canon interlude but October is a long way off...and Elsie's had it too easy recently. As always, thank you for reading and please let me know what you think if you can (bearing in mind I realise this jumps the shark).**

Hold tight to the hopes of a restless fool

_She was losing her grip on the branch. The wind whipped up the water into huge white peaks and lightning strobed over the hillside, casting skeletal shadows. Daryl slid further down the bank, oblivious to the lashing rain._

_"Reach for my hand," he yelled, stretching as far as he could. Essie tightened her grip as much as she could on the branch and tried to grasp his hand. Her fingertips brushed his but he couldn't catch her. Water gushed into her mouth and eyes, momentarily blinding her, choking her._

_"Reach goddamit," Daryl shouted again. Thunder roared, drowning Essie's screams of effort. Their fingers touched again and he managed to get a grip. He looked up and saw Essie's smile of relief turn to abject fear as they both heard the branch crack. She was swept away, down the furious river and he couldn't stop it happening._

Earth, air, fire and water all merged into one as Essie was thrown about in the roiling river. She hit rocks, branches, all the debris that had been tossed into the river by the storm. Her head smashed into something and everything went black.

"…breathe…come on…breathe…"

Silence.

"Honey…open your eyes…"

Blackness.

"Don't you fucking die on me now…"

Grey fog.

"…wake up…"

Essie opened her eyes but everything was blurry, like looking at the world through thick gauze. Her head felt like it was splitting and she couldn't move her arm properly.

"You're awake," said a vaguely familiar voice, through the bells ringing in her head. She fought through the cobwebs of pain and disorientation, trying to sit up.

"Hey…woah, woah, woah…easy there…you took a bad crack to the head…" and she felt hands support her head and back, easing her slowly into a sitting position.

"There you go…ok…goddam if you aren't the toughest little Pippi I ever did see."

Essie raised her head and saw Negan looking down at her.

"Surprise!" he said, grinning.

She must have blacked out again because when she came round it was growing dark. She was still in woods and could hear the river a little way off, loud but not as angry as before. The sky was a delicate pink with only a few drifting wisps of cloud.

"Evening sweetheart. You've been out most of the day, missed some fun with a few dead pricks but other than that it's been as quiet as a church on free beer day. Here, drink this," and he threw her a canteen. Essie reached for it but couldn't seem to make her fingers work properly and dropped it.

"Here, let me," Negan said and knelt down beside her and held the bottle to her lips; she wanted to kill him, stamp his face into a bloody pulp, instead she gratefully drank.

"Thanks," she gasped, without looking at him.

"I'm guessing you were caught in that motherfucker of a storm last night too. It took out my whole group, washed the road away and took my fucking truck with it…nearly took me but I managed to get to the shore and wait it out. I was making my way up the bank when I saw you in the river, dragged you out thinking you were one of my men. Imagine my fucking surprise when I realised it was my little Pippi…damn near made my heart sing," Negan said through a grin.

"I should've killed you in Alexandria," Essie murmured.

"I saved you, you owe me your goddam life!" shouted Negan and Essie winced at the noise, "you should be fucking grateful, I got you breathing and you threaten me?" and he went to hit her; she jerked away and a slice of pain lanced through her. Folding over, she began to throw up as the nausea hit. In a second Negan was by her side, holding back her hair and rubbing her back. She pulled away from him and went to wipe her mouth but her arm wouldn't co-operate.

"Easy now, you've got a dislocated shoulder and some cuts," he said, gentle again for the moment.

"Put it back in," she demanded.

"It'll hurt like a bitch, you sure?" he asked.

"I know, it's not my first time," she said grimly, "do you know how to do it?" and he nodded, grinning again.

She lay back on the rock, her head pounding and arm dangling. Negan took off his scarf, rolled it up and placed it gently between her teeth

"You ready?" Negan asked and she nodded. He moved her arm to 90 degrees from her body and pulled. He heard the "clunk" as the shoulder went back into position and looked into Essie's face, her expression hadn't changed.

"Damn, you are ice cold," he said, impressed and unnerved in equal measure. She pulled the scarf out of her mouth and gratefully took the canteen, swilling her mouth with the water and spitting it out. She closed her eyes, flexing her hand to make sure she had full movement.

Before Essie could react, Negan had his hand round her throat.

"Now…we got to set some ground rules. I couldn't kill you at my compound and I couldn't kill you in Alexandria but I sure as shit know that you'll try and drop me as soon as my back is turned. By my reckoning, we're about as fucking far from home as is possible and you're in no shape to go it alone so…we call a truce," he searched her face for a sign of what she was thinking.

Essie felt the desire to kill him burn inside her but she also knew she was unlikely to make it back without help; she was pretty sure she had a concussion and her arm would be useless for at least a couple of days…and then, when the time came, she could kill him and take his head back to Alexandria. It was all good.

"I agree," she whispered and he stepped back. She spat into her palm and held it out, he gave her a grin, did the same and they shook on it.

Negan knew she was lying, knew she'd try and kill him, he also knew she really did need his help so he was safe for the moment. He'd also not been able to stop thinking about her even after the humiliation of the defeat in Alexandria; he still wanted to own her.

Night fell quickly. Essie's head was still splitting and her shoulder throbbed with a dull ache; she didn't usually indulge in self-pity but she was feeling very sorry for herself. She couldn't stop thinking about Daryl reaching for her and his horrified expression as the river swept her away. He'd think she was dead and he'd blame himself, even though it was her fault for trying to retrieve the bag of weapons they'd found from where she'd dropped it, in the middle of a storm. Fuck's sake, why'd she have to be so stupid? Now she was lost in the woods with the wolf.

They'd not lit a fire and it was getting cold, she leant her head back against the tree and closed her eyes, bringing her knees up to her chest in an effort to keep warm. She felt cold, hungry, lonely and miserable and it was all her own fault.

"You cold?" Negan asked after an interminable silence.

"I'm fine," she said flatly, trying to keep the shiver from her voice.

"How's your head?" he asked again.

"Fine," she lied.

"Goddamit Pippi! I know you're cold, I can see you shivering from here. I know your head must be hurting like a motherfucker. Just tell me the fucking truth," Negan shouted and saw her wince again.

"If you know all of that, why'd you bother asking?" she whispered through the pain.

"Because I don't want to sit here is fucking silence. I didn't save you just to have you sit there like a goddam statue…" he continued to shout. His voice cut through Essie like a knife and she couldn't help but flinch at the sound; he saw this and was surprised to find it made him feel bad. He stood up and shrugged off his leather jacket. Walking over, he sat down beside her and draped it round her hunched shoulders.

"No arguments," he said softly, "you need to stay warm," and she didn't have the energy to stop him.

He sat next to her but not touching her. He looked sideways at the only woman who'd surprised him in a long time…no, that wasn't true, Sasha had surprised the fuck out of him, coming out of that coffin; he'd liked Sasha and her no bullshit attitude, she'd reminded him of Essie…what a fucking waste. But ever since she'd exploded into his world, it was Essie who'd fascinated him. Now he had her all to himself, if only for a short while. Perhaps he could persuade her that her place was at his side, he might even give up his other wives if she agreed to join him, he had the suspicion he'd never get bored of her. Of course, Daryl might not like it but fuck him, he'd kneel too and then Negan would have both his favourites with him.

Essie's head rolled onto her shoulder as she fell asleep.

"Hey, hey…honey you gotta stay awake, you got a concussion…come on…head up…" he said, and gently raised her head.

"I'm not your honey," she murmured and he laughed, she didn't give a fucking inch.

Daryl had followed the river downstream but couldn't pick up Essie's trail. He had no idea how far she'd been carried but he wasn't about to give up…not this time.

Sighing, Essie raised her head and was grateful that the terrible pain had subsided slightly. It was just after dawn, judging by the soft light. Needing to stretch her back, she shifted and felt Negan's jacket slide off her shoulders. Christ, this was going to be difficult.

She thought of Daryl. This time, however, it wasn't with a sense of melancholy, it was with an assurance he was out there looking for her. He'd be picking his way along the bank, looking for signs, tracking her; he'd find her and, after she killed this bastard, they could go home together. She gave a secret smile.

"Mornin' sweetheart," Negan said.

Essie sighed again. "If this is going to work, you will call me by my actual name…no more honeys or sweethearts…I'm neither. You're a cold-blooded killer who murders to make a point…I heard you order your men to fire on Maggie in Alexandria…don't forget I know you," she said, staring him in the eye.

"And I know you too…you killed more of my men than all my other towns put together. I looked into your eyes when you were gonna kill me…I saw the fucking light…literally…" he said, meeting her stare.

Damn, Essie had forgotten that he could be a clever son of a bitch. Using the tree, she pulled herself up into a standing position but then felt the world tilt and swoop as her legs went from under her. Negan shot forward and caught her before she could hurt herself even more. Guiding her down gently, his hands gripping her arms, he felt her warmth.

"Goddamit Pippi, learn to back down once in a while," he said.

"Fuck you," she mumbled, her head on her chest, trying to keep from throwing up.

It wasn't until the sun was high up that Essie was well enough to move and it was slow going. Looking back at the clearing where Negan had pulled her out of the river and breathed life back into her, she was glad to be leaving. She was pleased to see the lighter she'd dropped was still at the base of the tree, the top pointing in the direction they were heading. If she was right and Daryl was tracking her, this would tell him which way to go. If he was still alive, he'd find her…he'd always find her.

The storm had lessened the heat but not enough. They'd only travelled about 4 miles and Essie was dripping with sweat and feeling worse and worse; sticking by the river, at least they had water, even if they had to wait for it to filter through the netting and pebbles in the bottle, apart from the machete Negan had, it was the only thing they had between them.

"Goddam it's hot," Negan said, wiping his damp scarf over the back of his neck. Essie knelt at the edge of the river and splashed water in her face and over her neck, red hair curled at the nape; her head was banging and she felt sick to her stomach.

"You doing ok, Pippi?" he asked.

"Mmm hmm," she answered, she'd be damned if she let him know she was struggling. Without a weapon of any kind, she felt naked, vulnerable, and she hated it. She hated everything about this situation, she was weak and her only help was coming from a man she despised. She sighed again and heaved herself to her feet.

They walked on in silence, the heat had managed to quiet even Negan. As the day wore on, the humidity became even more oppressive until it became hard to breathe. Neither of them had eaten anything in over 24 hours and it was beginning to tell on both of them. Essie was suffering more than she ever thought she could; this was worse than being shot, stabbed or any of the other injuries she'd sustained throughout her life. Trailing behind Negan, she tripped over tree roots and stones, she fell against trees, her legs felt like lead; she tried to do anything to distract from the misery, naming all the monarchs of England in order or reciting poems she knew in her head. She was so lost in her own thoughts she didn't realise how dark it was until Negan stopped suddenly so she almost went into the back of him.

"What's wrong?" she asked in a low voice.

"Something…coming from the west…we need to find shelter now…" he answered, Essie caught the tension in his voice.

"Why?"

"You feel the pressure dropping? You got a popping in your ears, like when you're in an aeroplane?" he turned to look at her and she nodded.

"There's a storm coming, probably bigger than the last one. If we're out in it, we're gonna die. We need to find shelter, preferably something underground…we gotta move…now!" as he finished speaking, the wind seemed to pick up as if to prove him right.

As they began to move quicker, the sky changed to an eerie green. Negan set a punishing pace and Essie could barely keep up; they were going uphill, away from the river. Although the wind was becoming fierce, whipping up dust and debris, it was still stifling. Essie had to stop; she shielded her eyes from the grit and saw Negan disappearing further into the forest.

"I could turn around…leave him…find my own shelter…make my back home…he might die out in the storm…" she thought.

**He might but you definitely will.**

I hate this. I hate being this close to him.

**I know but you need him… for now at least.**

Who is this?

**Estella! I can't believe you've forgotten your own mother's voice.**

Oh shit.


	57. Chapter 57

Hold on tight to the hopes of a restless fool

Essie!" yelled Negan, "goddamit, keep the fuck up."

She looked up, startled, and began to move again.

The wind was screaming; she'd never heard anything like it. She and Lawrence had experienced something similar shortly before arriving in Alexandria but they'd been in an abandoned office block in a nameless town with their group; they'd been safe and sheltered, watching it from the window. Now, outside, it was like being attacked by a wild animal. Her hair streamed out like a flare and it seemed to want to strip her skin. It took all her focus to keep from falling. Her head felt like it was in a vice and her vision was blurry.

Rain and hail battered them; she thought she knew rain, having lived in England for most of her life, but now she realised even the worst storms had been a light shower compared to this.

**Keep moving…one foot in front of the other…just dance through the rain drops.**

I'm not listening to you.

**You never did, my little fox cub. You always went your own way.**

Because I knew I didn't want to follow you.

**Yet here you are, with a man you hate because you've got no choice. Just like me, I never had a choice either.**

You had a choice, you chose to follow one bastard after another, rather than be on your own.

**You never got me Estella, I was free.**

You were more of a prisoner than I've ever been.

**Close your eyes now. Go to sleep. You'll think differently in the morning.**

Negan turned to see Essie fall. She didn't get back up. He ran back and opened her eyes but she didn't respond so he hoisted her over his shoulder and continued climbing.

The storm worsened. She opened her eyes for a moment in the midst of a dream about escaping from a sinking ship to see Negan shouldering open the door to a cabin. He made his way back to her through the fire lit darkness and pulled her up, dragging her through the door and kicking it shut. He dropped her and wedged a chair under the handle. A quick scout of the room relinquished a door to a root cellar; dragging Essie into the darkness, he closed the hatch behind him as the storm did its best to rip the skin from the world.

It lasted all night and most of the next day, Essie slept through it as Negan paced the small room in darkness. Every so often he knelt down to check she was breathing, gently moving her hair out of the way. He thought back to one of their first proper conversations back at the compound when he'd walked in expecting find her cowering in fear, instead she'd been asleep.

"Hey…hey…you need to wake up Pippi," Negan said and shook Essie's shoulder. Opening her eyes slowly, she had no idea where she was; immediately she struggled to get up, reaching for her knife that wasn't there.

"What the fuck…" she demanded, squinting groggily at Negan, ready to fight.

"I found this place after carrying you 3 goddam miles, that's what the fuck is," he said, through a grin.

"What is this place?" she asked, running her hands over her face.

Negan went up the rough stairs first, machete in hand, and opened the cellar door.

"It's clear, come on," he said, holding his hand out to her; she ignored it and hung onto the rope handrail.

The cabin was small; a living room with a stone hearth, a tiny kitchen in one corner with a wood burning stove, a bedroom through one door and an ancient bathroom through the other. The furniture was sparse and looked handmade, it lacked luxuries but it was comfortable.

"Goddam, come look at this," said Negan, looking out of the window. Essie joined him and what she saw was shocking. The storm had torn up the woods; trees were splintered in half, the river had risen half way up the hillside, any semblance of a track had been washed away. The sky still looked pregnant with rain and the wind was high.

She felt a great weight dragging her down, if Daryl had been out in that then he was surely dead…she was alone now…it was almost a relief, the responsibility of his love had been too much…how could she have ever matched up to that?

**You couldn't, it's better this way.**

You're probably right, mother.

**You were a child of Winter, you were never a child of Summer like me…you were born for sadness.**

You're probably right.

**I'm always right, little fox cub. I'm always right.**

"I need food, let's see what the Uni Bomber left us," said Negan, cutting through her thoughts and he began opening cupboards and drawers.

"Now that's more fucking like it," he exclaimed, holding up cans of tomatoes and meat, "I can definitely do something with this."

Essie sat in the rocking chair as he banged about in the kitchen. Although she hadn't eaten in 3 days, she wasn't hungry; she didn't feel much of anything. All it had taken was a storm to wash everything away; all her anger and fight and hate, none of it mattered.

"Eat," Negan said, pushing the bowl into her hands, flopping down opposite her, and began to eat with gusto. She moved the spoon around but couldn't seem to bring it up to her mouth.

"You're not eating, a man could get offended by that. You still sick?" he asked, after watching her for a few minutes.

"No, I'm not sick," she sighed.

"Then what the fuck's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," she answered tonelessly.

"Oh no, I've been round the block enough times to know when a woman says nothing's wrong, everything's wrong," he said.

"Please, spare me your gender insights," she snapped.

"There's my little fire cracker," he grinned.

"What do you want from me?" Essie asked, placing the untouched bowl on the floor, "do you think we're going to play house for a while and all will be forgotten? Are you living in hope that Stockholm syndrome will kick in and I'll come back with you and join your other birds in their cage? Then fine, that's what I'll do; I'll go back to the compound, I'll put on a black dress, I'll smile…Do you know what? I'll even kneel."

He stared at her.

"Because I don't care anymore…I just don't care. You've won, ok? You've won."

**It won't be so bad, little fox cub. If you're really lucky, you could become his favourite.**

Negan watched as Essie shook her head, trying to dislodge something he couldn't hear. Part of him rejoiced in his triumph, he knew he'd get what he wanted, he always did. But another part of him was wary; it shouldn't have been this easy with her. This wasn't winning, this was surrender to something other than him.

"What made you change your mind so quickly?" he asked.

"It's pre-programmed into my DNA," she answered grimly.

"Explain it to me," he demanded.

"Just take it as a fucking win," she said and turned away from him, staring at the dead hearth.

It began to rain again as night fell. He'd found some candles and a box of matches. The room was lit with a flickering glow; Essie hadn't moved from the chair.

"Here," he said and threw something at her, hitting her in the face. She picked it up off the floor and saw a very battered packet of cigarettes. Pulling one out, she lit it with a candle and blew out a plume of smoke, it was the first movement she'd made in 2 hours.

"When did you start?" he asked.

"When I was about 14; I stole one from my mother's boyfriend and smoked it in the alley behind their squat. I threw up and then went and got another. I gave up for years but the Apocalypse seemed to demand I start again," she said.

"You lived in a squat?" he asked, watching her in wavering light.

"Sometimes. Other times we'd stay with her friends or, if we were really lucky, a boyfriend might have a house. We also stayed in communes or travelled on the road; we went anywhere she could score without having to pay."

**You make it sound so terrible…we were free, we could go wherever the wind blew us.**

"She was an addict?" Negan asked and Essie nodded.

"Heroin was her preference but she'd take anything she could get…by any means necessary." Essie dragged hard on the cigarette.

"I thought you came from money?" Negan said, surprised she was telling him so much. He'd believed her before when she was lying but now he didn't doubt her story.

"Her family cut her off when she ran away. She went down to London, got in with the fast and loose crowd, tried desperately to fit in and lost herself."

**I found myself.**

"So, who was your father?" Negan asked, leaning forward, watching her in the curling light.

"You ever heard of the artist Joe Kirk?" and he shook his head.

"Why would you?" she said, derisively, "he was a famous painter, part of the Hyperrealism movement of the 70s…my mother was one of his muses but he…misjudged her…she became pregnant with me and it turns out she misjudged him…he abandoned her."

**He loved me. He said I was the most beautiful of them all. He didn't want leave, he was forced by his bitch wife.**

"He abandoned you as well." Negan said quietly.

"He didn't know me...didn't meet me for years…" she went quiet.

**You drove him away…he didn't want a miserable child hanging around…it would've killed his art.**

"Until your ma died," Negan prompted.

"Until she died, yes…"

"How?" he demanded.

"With a needle in her arm, in the filthy bathroom of a rundown squat in Camden…I found her when I got home from school…Social Services finally worked out who I was and contacted my father…he didn't want me and I was sent to live my maternal aunt…you know the rest," and she went back to staring at the empty hearth as if she'd never spoken.

**He likes you…he watches every move you make, he's hungry.**

"Yeah, I know the rest," he said.

"Aren't you gonna ask me any questions?" he said, breaking the silence again.

"No," Essie answered and met his questioning look, "I don't care, I'm not interested…you're not interesting."

"But you'll come back with me anyway," he stated.

"Yes, I'll come back with you…like I said, you've won." Essie lit another cigarette.

"Did Daryl win?" Negan asked and Essie laughed.

"It was never a contest," and she pulled hard on the cigarette.

"How come you didn't break him out of my compound when you left?" Negan couldn't stop himself from needling at her, trying to get a reaction…any reaction. The rain rapped on the windows and the river swelled.

"I made a mistake…just one in a very long line."

"I can't imagine you ever making a mistake Pippi," he grinned.

"Then I left him on purpose, to save myself…and what does that make me?" Essie stared hard at Negan.

_The river burst its banks just as Daryl made it to the highest point in the landscape. Squeezing himself further into the tiny cave, he watched the lightning and rain_.


End file.
